Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU Not invited to friends wedding

114 replies

redpassport · 25/03/2018 10:05

I'm not sure what to think, but I do feel a bit put out and upset by this.
I've been friends with her for about 7 years and I thought reasonably close. We socialise together regularly etc. I've been very supportive over the past 7 years towards her through relationships, jobs, life etc.
She met a guy approx 2 years ago and I'm very happy for her. All her dreams have been answered. New home, new partner and a lovely life ahead of her.
I've been asked to be part of her hen weekend as a group of 4 "close" friends and it'll cost me more than a few quid - that's fine but.....when it comes to the wedding I'm not invited. The wedding will be a good 45/1 hour drive away in the middle of nowhere, but I'm invited to the evening - again it'll cost me an overnight in a very expensive area. I've no issue with the idea of an overnight or the cost, but I'm less enthusiastic about it when I'm clearly not considered as a close enough friend to attend the wedding itself......AIBU?
Clearly it's her choice who to or not to invite to her wedding, I get that...but it's still a little hard to swallow....

OP posts:
AsAProfessionalPenis · 25/03/2018 11:16

Why is the hen party so small?

Original poster
redpassport · 25/03/2018 11:17

I'm not a substitute in terms of the hen weekend. She's got the whole weekend planned out with meals out, trips etc. It's in the UK and I'll also have to book time off work for it. I'm so glad I posted as I thought I was being a bit nasty with my thoughts on the whole thing. I've pretty much made up my mind so thanks to all posters x

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 25/03/2018 11:17

"evening only invitations are rude...It's even ruder when there's no open bar for the guests"

Really? I've never been to a wedding with an open bar. If any of my friends who are married had chosen to have an open bar, they wouldn't have been able to afford to invite most of the guests. I also don't think it's rude to invite people to the evening do only. Surely it's ruder to just not invite people? There are limited spaces at a ceremony (unless you're loaded)- some people aren't going to be able to attend both. It's off if you invite a friend group and just exclude one or two people, but it's probably not personal, and someone has to miss out.

I wouldn't attend a hen that would cost £300 though. That's a holiday! It IS rude when you start planning parts of your wedding that are obviously prohibitive to guests. For example, I lost a friend over not attending their wedding where I was supposed to be a bridesmaid. I was expected to pay for my own dress (which I didn't get to choose!), and it was abroad. In the end I couldn't afford to go anyway, so was then excluded from everything. That was fucking rude.

In your position OP I would decline the hen invite (and save your money!), and consider the evening do (see if you can get a lift or taxi share to save money). If you can do the evening without too much cost, then have a good time, and maybe reevaluate the friendship a little- are you giving more than you receive? I don't think you can 100% read into this that you are, it may be a difficult set of circumstances...but it's worth considering.

Tartyflette · 25/03/2018 11:18

What is considered a small or small-ish wedding these days? I would have thought it was about medium-sized. i.e. under 50 = small, 50-150 medium-ish, 150 plus = large.
But if she was constrained over numbers by the venue or budget she should have explained it to you (and the other un-invited hen ) with lots of apologies.
I'd be giving it a swerve in the circs. And especially the present.

expatinscotland · 25/03/2018 11:19

'Why is the hen party so small?'

Probably because she's such a cow.

I SO hope you are not going to the hen, red. Don't let her treat you like that. You're not nasty with your thoughts, she's rude.

Bet you London to a brick there's a tout for money as presents with your evening do invitation.

MarthasGinYard · 25/03/2018 11:19

Are there seriously zillas out there who are happy to plan a hen at 300 pounds a pop and not invite that guest to their wedding.

Awful

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 25/03/2018 11:24

No ex I got her a gift voucher

expatinscotland · 25/03/2018 11:27

Grin @ Sprinkle.

CuriousMama · 25/03/2018 11:32

OP are you going to hen do?

kinorsam · 25/03/2018 11:37

If there are 60 attending the wedding during the day, then that's only 30 guests each for bride and groom. A lot of people would use up the majority of that quota on just family.
She's obviously had to severely limit the number of friends, and probably feels bad about not being able to invite everyone she would like to, but she has invited you to her hen do, so clearly wants you there.

Witchend · 25/03/2018 11:38

I've just added up our wedding numbers. We had 54 family members who were on the must invite level. So 60 could be basically family and a couple of others.

But then I don't see evening invites as an insult either.

McTufty · 25/03/2018 11:39

Because what you’re basically saying to your friends is you can only be involved for the bits you pay for

This sums up why I believe it is wrong to invite someone to a hen but not the wedding.

CuriousMama · 25/03/2018 11:40

Do you have an OH she hates?

expatinscotland · 25/03/2018 11:42

She wants the OP to spunk a month's shopping budget to fawn on her, that's why she wants her at the hen do. Bet they're paying for the bride, too.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/03/2018 11:42

What are you going to do op? This would really grate on me, especially if I thought we were good friends.

Gemini69 · 25/03/2018 11:48

I agree with the Posts saying... don't go to either Lady... it's a wee bit of a CF asking you to lay out all that money.. then not be invited to the actual event.. fine if there was very few going but thee are 60 going ffs Hmm

suggest she ask one of the dearly close 60 she's invited to the ceremony to attend her Hen Do Flowers

Original poster
redpassport · 25/03/2018 11:48

I'm going to bail out of the hen weekend. Simples.......and of course re-evaluate the friendship.
I don't have an OH so no issues there.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 25/03/2018 11:49

good for you lovely Flowers

expatinscotland · 25/03/2018 11:50

That's a staggering amount of money for a hen do. There was a thread on here last week featuring a £250 hen do weekend and the majority thought it was too expensive. She's having a giraffe. Sorry, can't get time off work, can't make the hen do. Wouldn't bother with the evening do, either, Sorry, got an imaginary work conference that weekend.

CuriousMama · 25/03/2018 11:50

Good. Spend the cash you save on a weekend away with a real friend.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/03/2018 11:51

What about the evening bit, are you going to that or not.

Quartz2208 · 25/03/2018 11:51

talk to her - they may well be politics involved with numbers and for her hen do she can invite who she wants

expatinscotland · 25/03/2018 11:51

Might give her £20 in a card as a gift and call it quits.

EarlGreyT · 25/03/2018 11:52

I'll also have to book time off work for it. fuck that for a laugh. I definitely wouldn’t be going.

She’s rude. She’s saying I want you to consider me important enough that you will use your annual leave and spend £100s on coming to my hen weekend, but I don’t consider you important enough to invite to my wedding.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/03/2018 11:53

Good on you, save your money, and do something else.