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Original poster

AIBU Not invited to friends wedding

114 replies

redpassport · 25/03/2018 10:05

I'm not sure what to think, but I do feel a bit put out and upset by this.
I've been friends with her for about 7 years and I thought reasonably close. We socialise together regularly etc. I've been very supportive over the past 7 years towards her through relationships, jobs, life etc.
She met a guy approx 2 years ago and I'm very happy for her. All her dreams have been answered. New home, new partner and a lovely life ahead of her.
I've been asked to be part of her hen weekend as a group of 4 "close" friends and it'll cost me more than a few quid - that's fine but.....when it comes to the wedding I'm not invited. The wedding will be a good 45/1 hour drive away in the middle of nowhere, but I'm invited to the evening - again it'll cost me an overnight in a very expensive area. I've no issue with the idea of an overnight or the cost, but I'm less enthusiastic about it when I'm clearly not considered as a close enough friend to attend the wedding itself......AIBU?
Clearly it's her choice who to or not to invite to her wedding, I get that...but it's still a little hard to swallow....

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 25/03/2018 11:54

'talk to her - they may well be politics involved with numbers and for her hen do she can invite who she wants'

And tell her what? Why do you expect me to stump up £300 for your hen do and then only invite me to the evening? She can invite who she wants, but the OP doesn't have to go.

PositivelyPERF · 25/03/2018 11:58

What’s the betting you’re actually paying for her part of the hen party? Or your keeping costs down for the others by going? I find it hard to believe that she has sixty young to a wedding but only 4 fir a hen party. I suspect the one you’re invited to is a second hen party and she has a separate one for those going to the wedding. Don’t get me wrong I know some btb have one with friends, workmates or family, but this just sounds like an add on hen party.

snewsname · 25/03/2018 11:59

If she'd said something along the lines of "i'm really sorry, I'd have loved to invite you but numbers are really tight etc" and she was genuinely contrite I might have thought about it a bit more but tbh I don't blame you for pulling out of the hen.
Who is the other hen also not invited to the day do? Is there an obvious reason why the other two are?

KittenBeast · 25/03/2018 12:01

Being invited to a hen do I'd find it a bit fucking odd if I wasn't invited to the wedding.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 25/03/2018 12:02

Surely it's ruder to just not invite people?
how on earth is that rude? You invite who you can afford to host, it's all well and good to think you deserve a grand wedding, but if you can't afford it, then save, lower your expections. You can also organise a different wedding: afternoon tea only, small wedding where you can your close ones to bring something

If I invite people for diner, I don't expect them to pay for their drinks. If I am broke, I .. don't invite them?

It's impossible for most people to invite everyone, even if you invite 200 guests, that's only 50 couples each (or 40 couples + kids), and looking at it that way it's not such a high number once you have parents, siblings, friends, cousins.

Not inviting your hens to the actual wedding is mean

Original poster
redpassport · 25/03/2018 12:02

I'll wait re the night do. If there are car shares maybe, but otherwise not...

OP posts:
snewsname · 25/03/2018 12:08

You can always be ill on the night if it's awkward. It's not like you would be wasting any money she's spent on you as an evening guest and you're not important enough to be missed...

ThePinkOcelot · 25/03/2018 12:14

I wouldn’t bother with any of it! To me, evening invites are for acquaintances or not close friends. Stuff her!

FrancisCrawford · 25/03/2018 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandAndSea · 25/03/2018 12:28

I think if this is a friendship breaker, talk to her about it. It could be that she just doesn't realise how it's coming across. You've got nothing to lose.

(Years ago, I had a similar experience and didn't tell my friend how upset I was. It ruined our friendship in the end and I wish I had said something.)

ALittleBitConfused1 · 25/03/2018 12:31

This whole hen weekend thing really pisses me off.
Unless it's a general night out I don't go on hens.
I'm not paying 100's to spend a weekend doing ridiculous hen like events that usually involve strippers, and cocktail making or something as equally cheesey, but then again I never had a hen night I hate things like that.
I went out for a meal with the girls and I paid for myself.
I also had a free bar at my wedding as I felt uncomfortable asking people to pay to celebrate with us. I'm not wealthy by no means but it was important to me.
So in this instance no i don't think YABU to not go.
However with regards to the evening/day invite i dont agree. Unfortunately you have to be ruthless with invites. Numbers for the day are limited because of space. I had a strict family and family friends only policy during the day then invited other friends/cousins etc (and no children) in the evening. Anyone who had a problem with that was more than welcome not to come. Arranging a wedding is stressful and expensive and as I was paying for it (my day my way) I didn't have the time or patience for friends who wanted to throw tantrums about not being invited to the whole thing.
Thankfully all my friends understood, came to whatever part they were invited to and enjoyed celebrating with us.

Original poster
redpassport · 25/03/2018 12:49

No plus one, and in fact no actual formal bit of paper inviting me to the night....maybe its been lost in the post too? Or, maybe shes waiting to see who cant go to the big event and then squeeze me in lol

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 25/03/2018 13:28

I’ve only read the first page so this might be too late but this once happened to a friend of mine - got invited to the hen night but no wedding invite and I’d had mine for weeks. It turned out that the bride was supposed to ask me for the friend’s address but forgot! She eventually asked me why the friend hadn’t RSVP’d and that’s when it all came out! Are you sure you aren’t getting an invite? Could it have gone astray in the post? Or have you received and evening invite only?

elQuintoConyo · 25/03/2018 13:33

I'm 42yo and at the point in my life where i feel i can say no to such things politely but definitely.

I would much prefer to watch the ceremony of friends getting married and then go home, then to be on the evening only list. I'd even get up early to drive to a ceremony, have lunch somewhere on my tod, then drive home. Perhaps make a day of it (visit a NT property or some such). The ceremony is the best bit, i always cry Blush

SandyY2K · 25/03/2018 13:34

I'd back out of the hen night...wouldn't go to the wedding and be done with her as a friend.

bonnyshide · 25/03/2018 13:44

It's not really appropriate to invite someone to a hen do that isn't actually invited to the wedding. Sounds like she's using you to boost numbers for hen do but doesn't see you as important enough for wedding. Well done for pulling out of hen do, good decision I think.

I'd probably ask her first in a casual way, just to check that you aren't invited to the wedding, and clarify you are in-fact invited to evening do. (Not to make her squirm, but just to make sure you haven't misunderstood) and then definitely re-evaluate friendship.

You sound very sensible and I think you're handling it all well, sometimes something comes along that shows us or highlights where we stand with a person and it's a good thing even if a bit hurtful at times.

loveyoutothemoon · 25/03/2018 14:03

There's no point checking if you're invited to the wedding, you know the score. You don't want to be invited as an after thought/guilty conscience, that's even worse-been there done that!

I've been invited to a hen do and evening do before, which was fine as I wasn't as close as the others but in your situation OP I think you're right to be upset.

If you were me, I wouldn't go to either.

Bouledeneige · 25/03/2018 14:12

Its pretty weird really. How do you qualify as one of her best 5 friends to go on the hen night and then not for the wedding? Its not a small wedding.

This did happen to me with a very, very good friend, though the hen night was not expensive - just a meal out, and the wedding was only family. I didn't mind that at all - she was really honest about the pressures with their extended famillies, religious issues and finances for the whole thing. And I didnt give it another thought. She is still one of my oldest and dearest friends.

But thats not the case here. I'd take a fresh cool look at the 'friendship'.

AsAProfessionalPenis · 25/03/2018 15:36

How did you get invited at all
Did she ask you?
It's strange not to get a proper invitation

Thinkingofausername1 · 25/03/2018 15:40

Yes I would feel the same. I wasn't invited to either of my bridesmaids weddings, so I understand your hurt.

LoveProsecco · 25/03/2018 15:53

What did she say exactly that made you realise you're not invited? I find it odd that you regularly spend time together and she hasn't mentioned details of the guest list before

SnorkFavour · 25/03/2018 16:11

Or, maybe shes waiting to see who cant go to the big event and then squeeze me in lol

No, it can't be that because she announced that the invitations had been sent in front of you didn't she?

I really do wonder if she's invited you but it just hasn't arrived? Is this possible?

SnorkFavour · 25/03/2018 16:15

In fact, re-reading the thread I reckon she has sent you an invitation and you haven't received it.

SnorkFavour · 25/03/2018 16:18

Oh wait, no, sorry, you've been invited to the evening?

Gosh this is SO odd!! I really feel for you OP, I'm sorry :(

YellowMakesMeSmile · 25/03/2018 16:21

I think it's awful manners to invite somebody to a hen night and not the wedding itself.

Likewise, evening only invites exist to make up numbers for a party and to maximise on gifts or cash requests.