He just raised his fist to me

[tobbay]

So we went for coffee and we were meant to be having one hour together afterwards in the whole weekend because we both have children and that's all we get until Tuesday night. As we were leaving the coffee for 1 hour and in his words "cuddles and TV" his sister-in-law text to say could they come over. He replied secretly saying yes come straight away. I then questioned it and asked why because this is our time and very precious time so could they not come in an hour's time or a bit later or tomorrow because they are free all weekend? He then said they were his family and he could do what he wanted and he didn't need to consult me.

So then he said that I have no family and nobody visits me which is sadly true as my real family are dead and the other family I have our ones who married into the family who aren't blood relatives and sadly they do not visit me this really hurt me and I got upset he made no effort to come for me also sorry for the hurtful words. He then raised his fist to me and said that he would like to smash my f face in..... and also said I was a fucking bitch..

This was all over me just wanting to spend one hour of quality time with him because we don't get that at all or hardly ever due to living apart and having two children each.

Was I wrong and should I have been more flexible? And let our quality time lapse so his family could come? (They live 5 mins away so not a once in a lifetime visit!)..

Was the fact that he DIDN'T actually hit me enough to excuse the fist being raised?

I agree with Susannah.

Someone called you a fucking bitch and said he wanted to smash your face in. Have some self respect and walk away. That is not a loving relationship he is abusive

It's unhelpful to tell a victim of domestic abuse they they'll never change or escape. How bastardly.

Thank you GayAllen.

I was merely pointing out the stark facts.

The op is a 43 year old educated woman who, apparently has been urged for 2 years to leave this vile man, yet she is still here!

Susannah yes you are right bit I did love him very much and when you do love someone and they do give you times of intense love and affe tion, you get blinded and hope that the man you once had is still there because you get pockets of him sometimes.
We are human and not perfect... if it were all that easy, none of us would ever be on here in the first place. Just take a look at all the posts!

And we are merely pointing out that although this is true, abused women do not need to be told they'll never escape, exhausting and upsetting as it can be when they stay for years and slowly have their confidence and soul crushed, they might actually someday leave, many do, you're supposed to give them encouragement, not call them immature and weak, they get enough of that from their abusers. SusannahL

So your sole contribution to her thread was to point out what we can all read for ourselves? Why bother?

OP - if a friend told you this had happened to her what would your advice be? He sounds vile, no man should be saying those things to you. You deserve better, so much better than that tosser who thinks its ok to threaten you. At least you dont live together so you are safe at home.

He doesn't love you. He loves having someone to have 'cuddles and tv' with. Unless he has better plans. When he wants them to not have a voice and disappear...And if they don't he will threaten them with violence. Sorry op but he doesn't love 'you', I suspect he doesn't even know who 'you' are. And he's aggressive and potentially violent. Please use this experience as the spur to get you out now.

This is going to probably sound quite nasty but understand it’s coming from a caring place,

He doesn’t love you, in fact he doesn’t even like you. You are just easy pray for him. You are just someone that will take his bad temper and abusive behaviour and if you don’t then he will just find someone else to replace you. Because that’s what he needs, someone to bully and to make himself feel powerful by belittling them and mentally (and eventually physically) abusing them.

You are just a play thing to him, the minute you grow a backbone he will loose interest in you because he can’t have power over you anymore so he will move onto the next vulnerable woman.

He is scum, he doesn’t love you in fact I would be very surprised if he had the capacity to love anyone other than himself.

You only get one shot at this life and you are wasting your precious time with a loser who will never be capable of giving you what you need or deserve.

If you walk away and spend sometime on you I can honestly tell you that your life will be so much better.

You need to ask yourself what does your partner give you everyday not just ‘when it’s good it’s great’ but what does he do to enrich your life day to day? How does he make you feel? Why are you not worth the same as other women who have loving, supportive partners? Why can’t you have a loving, equal, kind relationship?

If your answer is along the lines of ‘well I love him, when is good it’s amazing, I can change him, etc’ then honestly stop moaning and expecting anything better because it won’t happen.

If, like you should, you realise you are just as worthy as anyone else of a deep, caring relationship then you need to start to make steps in that direction. Talking therapy would be a great start. Mumsnet is great for support if you need it and will be with you every step of the way if that’s what you need to get yourself out of this toxic relationship.

OP, I do not want to sound bad, however, the first thing that you have to acknowledge is that it's not love - it's almost a need, we need people to want us and not reject us.

Have enough self-respect to leave the man - it's not easy but you have no choice but to leave that relationship. You're not living together - it dictates your time with him without talking to you first. Now, you are blaming yourself for his bad behaviour - going back to this man only confirms to him that you have accepted his behaviour.

Such men do not change, I am sure that he has beaten women in the past and will do the same if you were to marry or live together. Raise your bar higher and be brave by moving on with your life and children.

You know you need to split op.
He’s one step away from hurting you physically.
You are not alone. Yeah I have your kids and us.

*you have

We all find ourselves in situations sometimes where we don’t really recognise ourselves, or understand how we got there. But the balance has now tipped for you and it is time for you to move on and go back to being you again.

It would really help you to widen your social circle. Not to jump into another relationship, but to have people around you who like you, respect you, like spending time with you, care about your feelings etc etc. It will help build your strength, so that your next relationship will be a loving and respectful one.

@Fishface77 that made me laugh! "Yeah I have your kids" that's all I need

I read what you are all saying and inside know it's true but it's hard... when every day he normally moves on from any argument and smoothest me with lovely words...
But his actions do say different I know.

I just feel very lost and lonely... we talk all day every day so no contact been extremely hard.

It's very rare that a man will start physical violence with a punch to the face. What seems to happen is they 'test out' first whether this is something that will be tolerated. So it's the fist to the face or a little shove here and there. Not enough that many women would call the police and would then make up until the next time and the time after that.
Don't know about you but I've never put my hand into a fist towards someone, please get out now

tobbay you know you need to leave this piece of work, talk all day every day on mumsnet, occupy your mind with chit-chat. You're under his control, don't be.

You were an easy target for him, OP, sad but true, as you were lonely. At the moment you can't see the wood for the trees.

I remember helping my DSis through a very similar situation, though she was married to her abusive ex. He had brainwashed her into things that his violence wasn't too bad. He damaged property and once pinned her against the wall holding the car keys against her. She was definitely afraid of him. He also bullied her beloved Labrador Retriever.

She wouldn't let us say a word against him at the time, which was so frustrating. But the advice from her solicitor was great. He was the one who wanted out (he did her a favour as I don't think she'd have finished it easily). The solicitor I took her to see, she worked at the firm where I was a legal secretary, advised her to take back control by filling for divorce herself, which she did.

She's a completely different woman 15 years on. She has a lovely second DH, along with 1 DSS, 2 bio DCs and an adopted DS. It can change. But she became an independent single woman first.

You can do it, OP.

@KittenBeast Thank you xx

Hi OP, you are an intelligent & rational woman who has the strength to leave.

My ex H witnessed his mother in a relationship where domestic violence was rife, he saw some of it first hand & it has affected him for all of his adult life. I left him due to alcoholism & drug addiction and whilst I know his choices were all his own, I'm positive that the scenes he saw as a child/teen contributed to his later mental state & although he is a clever responsible adult with a good job, he has never been able to deal with or come to terms with the DV his mother suffered.

Of course I'm not saying that this will be true of your children, but its worth hearing if you have the decision to make.

Wishing you strength, of course you can do this! Fuck him, how dare he think he can treat you that way!

People like this man keep you alone and lonely. Because you are surrounded by a vacuum of love and care. And his behaviour stops you from being close to anyone else.

Trust me, you’re life will be less lonely when you leave this man behind you. And move on to a life without hurt and cruelty and unkindness and a life without the lack of love shoved in your face every day... which is what’s happening now.

Ignore the two posters who are in need of some education around abusive relationships, and abusers in particular (& basic empathy and human kindness). It’s not surprising that this has been going on for over two years. It’s an explanation. You don’t become this crushed and distant from the norms of relationships without a lot of time passing. How surprising this needs explaining?! It takes time and effort to break someone. It takes time and effort to isolate someone, and to make them believe that this mockery of love is all they deserve. And worse, is something they need to cling to like it’s a life raft, not the lead weight that’s drowning them. That’s what abusers do.

And getting free of them takes courage. And it takes a step of faith..: you have to believe that what your relationship training is telling you is completely untrue. You have to ignore all those self sacrificial ‘but if I really loved him ...’ wrong and irrational messages you’ve adopted (because it never goes the other way does it, if he really loved you he would curb his violence, threats, selfishness and cruelty wouldn’t he?!)...

You have to ignore those ‘heart pangs’ that are steering you so wrong, and trust that the other messages are actually the right ones, and step out... and find solid ground. It’s that first step that’s the scary one, then you start to realise how wrong that situation was and how bad it really was living like that... and how good the world can be.

Because your rational brain, and your hopes for a future beyond this hell your living in, and other experts (& us!), we can all see clearly how bad things are. And that you’re in an abusive relationship, your self esteem is on the floor and your ‘heart pangs’ are keeping you in a situation where there’s no love at all.

From the other side of that abusive relationship trap, you’ll be able to see that those intense strong feelings... they aren’t really your heart, it’s just that your wiring has got all messed up at the moment and you’re getting the wrong signals (!).

Thanks everybody... (the negative comments I will ignore)... it's really helping to keep reading all your posts.

Just dump him and move on