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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He just raised his fist to me

165 replies

tobbay · 24/03/2018 19:09

So we went for coffee and we were meant to be having one hour together afterwards in the whole weekend because we both have children and that's all we get until Tuesday night. As we were leaving the coffee for 1 hour and in his words "cuddles and TV" his sister-in-law text to say could they come over. He replied secretly saying yes come straight away. I then questioned it and asked why because this is our time and very precious time so could they not come in an hour's time or a bit later or tomorrow because they are free all weekend? He then said they were his family and he could do what he wanted and he didn't need to consult me.

So then he said that I have no family and nobody visits me which is sadly true as my real family are dead and the other family I have our ones who married into the family who aren't blood relatives and sadly they do not visit me this really hurt me and I got upset he made no effort to come for me also sorry for the hurtful words. He then raised his fist to me and said that he would like to smash my f face in..... and also said I was a fucking bitch..

This was all over me just wanting to spend one hour of quality time with him because we don't get that at all or hardly ever due to living apart and having two children each.

Was I wrong and should I have been more flexible? And let our quality time lapse so his family could come? (They live 5 mins away so not a once in a lifetime visit!)..

Was the fact that he DIDN'T actually hit me enough to excuse the fist being raised?

OP posts:
Unforgiven2018 · 25/03/2018 00:47

and much more, not amend

gdaymatey · 25/03/2018 02:05

If you can't do it for yourself then do it for your children. It's appalling to have someone like this in your life when you have children. They have no choice. I have zero sympathy for anyone who chooses a partner like this and forces them on their kids.

losingmymindiam · 25/03/2018 02:22

"He's been very good at being loving and charming"

See it's an act. He doesn't mean it. He doesn't love you and you don't love 'him'. Because what you think you love isn't real.

Surely being lonely is preferable to having your face smashed in...

PrincessBananaHammok · 25/03/2018 05:05

Please please tell me you've left him, trust me those good times wont be worth it when he physically hurts you next time, get out now, if not for you but for your children.

KittyintheCity · 25/03/2018 08:10

It’s a toxic relationship, it is pulling you down rather than building you up. Toxic relationships never end well, but you sound vulnerable and emotionally dependent on this man, which is a concern.

And if he prefers to spend the little time you have together with someone else at the drop of a hat, he’s either not that into you or there’s something bigger going on.

You need to reassess your life. You don’t have family for emotional support. If your kids are small, it can be physically draining and you may feel lonely and cut-off. Have you been to your GP as counselling may be an idea for you to build up your self-esteem and understand what a healthy relationship is. Also, try to meet more people by joining some groups - exercise groups, walking groups, activity groups - both with and without your kids. Just get out more.

Your kids deserve a happy environment and a mother who puts them first.

Original poster
tobbay · 25/03/2018 08:59

My children are 15 and 11 so not little.

I've woken up this morning thinking I still could have done things better.
When I got out his car yesterday I was so upset that i gavethe inside of his car a kick as i left the car (very immature and certainly not in character.. I am a 43yr old teacher!) And now I'm thinking he's not contacted me because I did that stupid thing...

OP posts:
Original poster
tobbay · 25/03/2018 09:00

BUT I know it's toxic and it has driven me to being on anti depressants. Sonething I've never had to do, even after the death of my mum. So I need to find my old inner strength from somewhere ..

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 25/03/2018 09:01

Find that strength lass. Get back to being you.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/03/2018 09:02

You are taking on lots of responsibility for his behaviour. Is he your puppet? No, then it is him not you.

Anyway, he hasn't contacted you because he wants you to crawl to him so he can feel like a big man instead of the loser worm he actually is.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/03/2018 09:03

I bet you've handled a lot of difficult situations before. You have the strength in you to deal with this knobhead.

Original poster
tobbay · 25/03/2018 09:04

You honestly all help... outsiders points of view and support really appreciayed

OP posts:
GnotherGnu · 25/03/2018 09:05

No-one who loves you "very very much" could threaten to smash your face in. The real person is the person who made that threat and does his best to bring you down. The person who claims to love you is a sham.

ColourfulOrangex · 25/03/2018 09:06

You definitely need to leave OP

Think about what you would tell your 15 year old to do if someone they were in a relationship raised their fist to your child

C0untDucku1a · 25/03/2018 09:06

Nobody said it is easy to block. But you have to do it. With each day of no contact it hets easier. This is such a terrible example of a relationship to be setting to a teen and pre-teen who will be beginning their own relationships.

TeachesOfPeaches · 25/03/2018 09:08

OP you are being abused. Do you have a history of abusive relationships?

yawning801 · 25/03/2018 09:15

Think to the future, and what will happen if you stay with this thing.

Your kids will watch you be ground down into powder, and they'll want to help you. But that thing will not let them.

Your students will give each other worried looks when they notice you looking upset at work. They'll ask each other "Do you think Mrs Tobbay is OK?"

Your partner (aka the "thing") will gleefully watch as he gets his own way time and time again. He'll know that he has full control over you - and if that happens, anything might happen.

And what about you? You'll be stuck in this situation forever, thinking "I wish I'd left him while I was younger." You'll reread this thread and regret not taking their advice.

I understand how hard it is for you, OP, but this is not a situation that you should be in. If he's threatened it, he will do it. You need to start laying the foundations for your split.

Foodylicious · 25/03/2018 09:15

He's not contacted you because he wants you to feel like this. Unsure, confused, powerless and vulnerable.
Hanging on for just a hint of contact or attention to show he is thinking of you.
And making you feel like you need yo contact him to ask what you have done wrong...

You are NOT powerless, you can be in control of you.
Be strong. Take charge. End it now.
You can get through this.

KittenBeast · 25/03/2018 09:26

Please dump him OP. If you've not already, he's awful and he will not change. He's a controlling abuser and he will tell you what you want to hear, do NOT believe it.

dirtybadger · 25/03/2018 09:30

Im not sure if you are quoting him word for word, but the "devastated to the core" comment sounds really weird to me. Literally like its scripted- that isnt how anyone I know speaks. I think he is very aware of how to perform "romantic" and "love", but insincere. I went through the comments reading people suggesting that he didnt love you, etc. I normally disagree with the idea that the abuser cannot love the abused (although this point is entirely irrelevant because they should still LTB!)...but in your case I tend to agree with what others have said, especially in the context of previous posts. He is viscious and manipulative.

Stay strong. You can do it. Save all this emotional outlay (unavoidable now, but it will settle with time) for the areas of your life that matter most. You must be exhausted.

Walkaboutwendy · 25/03/2018 09:36

He's playing you like a fiddle. You've been given the cold shoulder so you start feeling bad and snap back into line. He knows you are insecure and isolated. He knows ignoring you will break you down. A loving relationship should not drive you to anti depressants. It's not healthy.

Threatening to smash your face in isn't love. You say your behaviour was bad almost as a way to excuse him. If that is the case then it's not right that you stay with him anyway if you loose control. This is a toxic situation, please put a stop to it.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 25/03/2018 09:49

Walk away and spend some time single rebuilding your self esteem and being comfortable in just your own company.

Having no family can be hard but the likelihood is that most future partners will still have theirs so you need to find a way of being ok that they don't want to ditch them.

SusannahL · 25/03/2018 09:53

Ye gods, the op is a 43 year old teacher!

The posts sounded as if they were coming from some immature youngster.

Someone mentioned this has been going on for 2 years already!

Unfortunately I think everyone is wasting their time here.

KittenBeast · 25/03/2018 09:58

Off you fuck, Susannah

GayAllen · 25/03/2018 09:58

Meh. He’s full of shit. Think how devastated to their core your kids will be when they see your black eye or broken nose for the first time 🙄

Cambionome · 25/03/2018 09:58

How is that a helpful post SusannahL? Confused

People come on here for support, not to be sneered at.

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