Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He just raised his fist to me

165 replies

tobbay · 24/03/2018 19:09

So we went for coffee and we were meant to be having one hour together afterwards in the whole weekend because we both have children and that's all we get until Tuesday night. As we were leaving the coffee for 1 hour and in his words "cuddles and TV" his sister-in-law text to say could they come over. He replied secretly saying yes come straight away. I then questioned it and asked why because this is our time and very precious time so could they not come in an hour's time or a bit later or tomorrow because they are free all weekend? He then said they were his family and he could do what he wanted and he didn't need to consult me.

So then he said that I have no family and nobody visits me which is sadly true as my real family are dead and the other family I have our ones who married into the family who aren't blood relatives and sadly they do not visit me this really hurt me and I got upset he made no effort to come for me also sorry for the hurtful words. He then raised his fist to me and said that he would like to smash my f face in..... and also said I was a fucking bitch..

This was all over me just wanting to spend one hour of quality time with him because we don't get that at all or hardly ever due to living apart and having two children each.

Was I wrong and should I have been more flexible? And let our quality time lapse so his family could come? (They live 5 mins away so not a once in a lifetime visit!)..

Was the fact that he DIDN'T actually hit me enough to excuse the fist being raised?

OP posts:
Fosterdog123 · 24/03/2018 22:16

I have literally no idea why you're checking your phone hoping to hear from him. Where exactly is your line? WHAT does he have to do to make you leave? He has called you a horrendous name and threatened to PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE. This overshadows all the good times in the world. Please PLEASE value yourself just enough to get away from this awful violent bullying thug.

Nightshiftmad · 24/03/2018 22:17

Yes I agree with the other posts. It's over such a small thing and the at least threatened physical violence. You should plan to leave as soon as possible whatever he says he can't take away the real threat he made. Get somewhere safe.

WellThisIsShit · 24/03/2018 22:19

Sounds like he’s been very good at slowly slowly breaking you down until you’ve got to this point.

It’s very easy to look at this snapshot of now and say ‘how can you ‘let him’ treat you like this?!’ But of course that’s without seeing the two years that has brought you to this moment 🌸

But knowing that, and realising all those small steps that have brought you to this terrible evening, where your loving partner shows such unloving and cruel behaviour to you... and you are so trained that you honestly worry it’s you that have done something wrong... well, you are worth SO MUCH MORE.

You don’t deserve this and you can make it stop. How do you feel about splitting up with him? I have a rather strong feeling that you won’t feel half as lonely when you’re without him... even if now, that’s one of the things you are most scared of x

Cornishclio · 24/03/2018 22:22

This man threatened you with violence, was unkind to you re having no family and does not want to spend time with you. Seriously walk away as he obviously doesn't care.

C0untDucku1a · 24/03/2018 22:23

He doesnt respect or even like you.
He will abuse you.
You have your children to protect.
Block him.

spacecadet48 · 24/03/2018 22:24

You are in an abusive relationship. It's hard to leave once someone has broken you over the years by suggesting your needy and have issues. You mention having children, perhaps as a reality check have a think of how you would feel if they came home and relayed the same story. Would you be questioning whether they were at fault or had been unreasonable. I think you know the answer. It's tough and the fact your checking your phone for messages from a man who threatens you with violence in itself is a warning your relationship is not healthy. You need to be strong for you and your children and if you can go and spend sometime with friends or family and reflect on your future.

SunshineAfterRain · 24/03/2018 22:27

I understand you love him and it would hurt to finish with him.
But as a mother myself, I know you love you dcs a million times more.
Imagine if he behaved to you children the way he behaved to you. They would be terrified.
Please think of the safety of yourself and your children.
You are all worth so much more Flowers

Unforgiven2018 · 24/03/2018 22:29

Reading your post brought back some horrible memories for me, please, please listen to my advice. I have recently split with my husband after 24 years of hoping he'd change, he didn't.

Like you I also had no family as all deceased and he would say "who cares about you? No one, you have no one, they are all dead, they died to get away from you" I would ask him "Why are you so evil? I don't need to put up with this. I could meet someone else who cares for me" Then he would laugh, tell me " Have you looked in the mirror lately, no one would want you"

Oh and by the way, he brought me beautiful gifts and could be wonderful. I still have one of the beautiful earrings, he stamped on the other one in temper one night.

I promise you these men don't change, and yes, it will escalate. You have two children who are not his. Do you love the thought of a relationship with this man (animal) more than you love your children?

I can tell from your tone you will not end it, you're not ready. Maybe wait until he has kicked you downstairs. I hope when it happens your children are not there to see.

Good luck

niknac1 · 24/03/2018 22:36

I don’t think you should stay, I would be grateful you have found this out.

Wolfiefan · 24/03/2018 22:40

The "good times" are just a ploy to get you to stay with his nasty abusive arse.
You can't love someone who so clearly has no love or respect or even empathy for you.
Find your self respect and get the fuck away from this man or God forbid you could become another sad statistic.
You deserve to be happy.
He won't make you so.

losingmymindiam · 24/03/2018 22:42

The trouble is the 'good' times are false. They aren't real, he is faking it. If he loved and respected you for real, there is no way he would tell you he wanted to smash your face in. Sorry OP, you need to leave him.

Schlimbesserung · 24/03/2018 22:42

I have a very poor sense of danger. Very, very poor. For this reason, I have a list of things that I know (but don't feel) that I need to end a relationship for. This sort of behaviour is right at the top of the list.

My list came about through bitter experience. Don't be like me. If you don't feel the danger then think of it like a change in a mole, or a breast lump. It might not feel threatening to you, but there is a clearly defined thing that you must do in these situations. It might not be threatening now, but it can get dangerous very quickly so you need to protect yourself and your kids.

TittyGolightly · 24/03/2018 22:46

People here have been telling you for 2 years that this guy is a grade A shit.

When are you going to listen to sense?

Original poster
tobbay · 24/03/2018 23:35

Thank you for all the replies...

You're right in that it seems like I'm not ready to leave him as I wasn't..

You're also right that my children are worth a billion more than he is and I love them more than anything else.

I have no idea why I still want him and am thinking "oh but when do ..... it's so great and we have a great time" when hes been so horrendous. Not just today either but many times.

I haven't contacted him and am trying to stay strong but I already feel lonely and scared

OP posts:
Original poster
tobbay · 24/03/2018 23:38

And I know to you all it's simple and easy but like was mentioned.... over the two years he's been very good at being loving and charming. His words to me last night were "I love you very very much. If I were to lose you I would devasted to my core"

And I did actually love him too so however easy it seems to just block him.. it's not quite that easy when you love someone and have little routines or things you do together..

OP posts:
ManchesterGin · 24/03/2018 23:40

He sounds like scum. You need to leave this man before he hurts you physically, although he seems to have caused you lots of emotional pain.

You can still have your good memories as they happened. But make a happy future with your children.

ManchesterGin · 24/03/2018 23:41

Imagine having to see your children if he does “smash your face in”.

Shoxfordian · 24/03/2018 23:44

Nope.
One raised fist and comment like your original post should be the end of it.

MrsBertBibby · 24/03/2018 23:44

You don't love him though. You love who you thought he was, who he pretended to be.

The real him is the prick with his fist in your face. No one could love that.

Bumshkawahwah · 24/03/2018 23:45

I know it’s hard, but you need to be more scared if what will happen to you if you stay with him.

If you stay with him, it needs to be on the understanding that this is what you will have to live with - threats and abuse. Also that, one day, your children will come to you and ask what the hell you were thinking.

He’s not going to just stop this behaviour. He’s just not.

ilovepixie · 24/03/2018 23:49

Are you for real! Why are your even asking this question. Walk away now, if not for your sake then for your children.

Bluebelle38 · 25/03/2018 00:02

Your self esteem is in bits. You need to get out of this relationship pronto. He's despicable.

Hermonie2016 · 25/03/2018 00:14

If he is so aggressive 2 years in and you don't live together it will only get worse.

The feelings of loneiness won't last long, it's just a stage you need to go through.

Be strong, don't tolerate this as your dc deserve much better...can you imagine how they would feel if they knew it had happened.They would be terrified but unable to do anything to protect you and them.
Don't expose your dc to this risk, no man is worth it.Keep strong, sad feelings will pass.

Lizzie48 · 25/03/2018 00:27

This man is vile, OP, his language towards you is bad enough, and then that threat to smash your face in and raising his fist. You need to protect yourself and your DC.

Unforgiven2018 · 25/03/2018 00:45

"I love you very very much. If I were to lose you I would be devastated to my core"

Lovely words but they are just that....words!!! If they were true he would not want to smash your face in. Of course he will tell you these things because he wants you to be so in love with him that you will tolerate his outbursts amend much more.

What happened to his first wife? Why did that end? You can be absolutely certain this behaviour is not something he has reserved for you.

How old are your children? Are they at an age when they can be annoying, enough to warrant him threatening to smash their faces in? How would that make you feel?

Swipe left for the next trending thread