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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH warning me about gossip at work

152 replies

winewellies · 23/03/2018 09:40

Bit of background .. DH works away , it used to be 4 nights a week and recently it has gone up to 5 nights and an occasional 'emergency' got to go in today ...
He has in the past suspected I am having an affair ( I'm not !) Posted on here about it.
We get on okay , both tired and stressed with work , kids and elderly parents etc.
He came home last week and said he needed to warn me that he'd had an argument with a guy at work who had been gossiping about him having an affair and that this bloke had threatened to contact me
I asked him if he was , why would someone think he was, who was the OW supposed to be etc etc ~ he said this bloke was annoyed that DH had been given a project over him , that because he doesn't go out with them after work and goes for a walk or visits his Mother (she lives where he works) that it looks dodgy and that there wasn't a particular woman named .
So now I am watching his every move ! Thinking he was trying to get in first so I would dismiss any contact from this bloke or was he being honest !? and its making an atmosphere
Just needed to vent really - don't know how to handle it

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 23/03/2018 22:51

Start phoning the people he is staying with for nightly chats.

Thinkingofausername1 · 23/03/2018 22:56

I'd be thinking the same. He's been caught out by another colleague.

SmileyBird · 23/03/2018 23:27

Definitely ask him if he’s reported this to HR. If it’s true (doubt it) then this is definitely what he needs to do.

UnRavellingFast · 24/03/2018 00:19

How about dropping over to his mum's on the day he's meant to be staying there with a present from you which is a romantic surprise. If he's there great! He'll be pleased and touched. If he's not... you'll know what to think. Don't prewarn or speak to anyone. Then you'll know where you are.

serialcheat · 24/03/2018 03:22

Wow..... Good job your not a ' hanging judge '

He adores you, he confides in you and he works his nuts off at 12 hour shifts to provide for his family.

Doesn't go out on the razz with his mates, regularly visits his Mum......

Guilty, hang the bastard.

🤔

WillowWept · 24/03/2018 08:53

Loads of people work long hours combined with a long commute and don't feel need to stay away from home.

He's choosing to stay away because he likes being away. Ask yourself why? Either it's another woman or he's a lazy fucker who'd rather you do the childcare alone

prh47bridge · 24/03/2018 09:01

He's choosing to stay away because he likes being away

He works a 12 hour day with a 3 hour commute (90 minutes each way). That's 15 hours. So if he goes home he will have 9 hours maximum. Even if he only sleeps for 6 hours, that gives him 3 hours to have his evening meal, have breakfast and see his family, plus which he would be exhausted all the time. If it were me I would be worried that my wife would feel I was treating home as an hotel if I went home every night. I hate being away but if it were me I would do the same as him.

Chippyway · 24/03/2018 09:33

I’m sorry OP but you’re being incredibly naive here

Your posts about how if he was having an affair he’d tell you, or that he couldn’t handle the stress etc.

I’m surprised anybody even thinks that nowadays! OF COURSE he wouldn’t tell you and of course he could handle ‘the stress’ !

Nobody on here knows whether he’s cheating or not but I’d bet my left arm he is. I don’t believe for one moment this man at work is prepared to lie simply because he never got the project Hmm

I don’t see why you won’t just call your MIL? So what if you usually text, all you’ve gotta do is phone and just say your texts aren’t working for some odd reason

YolandasFridge · 24/03/2018 10:00

I know you think you know him (he'd do this, he'd not do that, this weird "the one" thing which I'm totally confused by)

But we all thought that too

My advice to you is open your eyes and keep your mouth firmly shut

He will reveal himself if you watch long enough and KEEP QUIET

All this "ask him outright" makes me so frustrated but I can only think that it's people who have never been cheated on. I am envious of their naivety in a way.
HE WILL LIE IF YOU ASK

Try and watch him putting in his passcode when he's not using fingerprint ID, everyone does it sometimes

StarlightSparkle · 24/03/2018 10:06

Agree with chippy. Why be on tenterhooks for another couple of weeks and subject you and your dc to a 140 mile round trip when you might be able to find out today?

yetmorecrap · 24/03/2018 10:22

All I can say is eyes open, mouth closed and wait. The people that seem like an open book can be just as untrustworthy as any ‘player’ in situations like this. I learnt that one the hard way

Graphista · 24/03/2018 12:22

Gotta say I agree with the "he'd never do that" being a naive attitude.

Not only was I shocked my ex's own friends and family were genuinely surprised. He wasn't the most socially confident, wasn't a flirt one of his friends even said to me it had totally thrown THEM finding out. They had been friends over 20 years it was completely out of character.

Waitedtoolong · 24/03/2018 13:28

The waiting game is horrendous - I’m going through it at the moment, again - but I am prepared to put up with the gut churning, sleepless nights, anxiety and more just to see his face when I present him with the undeniable truth.
Because a cheater will lie, lie, lie.
So sorry you’re going through this uncertainty OP.

Lucked · 24/03/2018 13:36

Does he have find my phone/find my friends on his phone so you could see were he actually is?

HarmlessChap · 24/03/2018 15:05

Lots of good advice but to add some balance stop to think about the motivation of the bloke at his work.

Would he be contracting you as he feels you have a right to know or because it would cause shit for your husband? If it's the latter he's a far less reliable witness. More likely that they would be hollow threats to worry you're DH than to go through with it though.

gillybeanz · 24/03/2018 16:25

I'd say he'd been having the affair since before he suspected that you were, isn't that what cheats do?

I don't believe that his hours at work have changed at all and unless you know for certain he's visiting his mother/ going for a walk then he's using this time as well as the extra day, emergencies and when his colleagues meet up.

TempusFugitive · 24/03/2018 16:32

Do men do that though?
Tell their work foe's wife he's having an affair?
Men are generally less bothered by their own sex cheating on wives. I dont think it is a typical guy thing to be so outraged on begalf of a woman they havent met that they wade in and 'snitch'

SandyY2K · 24/03/2018 16:49

I must say that people do that commute without living away from home.

A colleague commuted ftom Birmingham to London...I have several colleagues with a 90 minute commute. I guess the difference is your DH has somewhere free to stay, otherwise it wouldn't be cost effective to rent another place.

What I find strange is that an innocent employee wouldn't report the threat of an untrue accusation like this to HR or management. Such a threat over a project at work seems truly bizarre.

I also wonder why someone would make such a threat, if they had no way of proving it. It doesnt make sense.

prh47bridge · 24/03/2018 18:22

I would be happy to do that commute for most jobs. But a 90 minute commute each way plus a 12 hour shift would be too much for me.

seabase · 24/03/2018 18:35

Is he always on the phone? Does he keep his phone with him all the time?!

Does his pay reflect the amount of time he says he is working?!

moomoocar · 24/03/2018 18:45

I'd be tempted to message the guy privately on Facebook who was supposed to be "gossiping". Either you'll get a message back confirming the worst or he'll be very confused, DH will likely find out at that point and it will force the discussion because either way you probably don't trust him as much as you previously did right now.

You can't carry on being in limbo all the time, for your sake.

Personally it would drive me mad and I'd have to know for sure either way. But I'd be terrible at playing the long game.

Good luck op and I really do hope it's just a very weird bitter work colleague who is shit stirring. Thanks

Original poster
winewellies · 24/03/2018 21:02

Calling his Mum on the he lost his watch/ I lost my phone excuse won't work ...partly because he doesn't wear a watch and because I know his number off by heart and our two teenage DCs have phones with his number in . ...so me calling would just be odd.
This isn't an office job he does, it's a physical job ...its not a 90 min motorway commute in a company car ...he'd get home at 7.30pm and be up again at 3.30am, it's a job he has always done .
When he IS home he does school runs, teenage taxi-ing, cooks dinner etc etc
I agree it's odd the workmate threatening to tell me , hence why I am suspicious.. as it doesn't ring true ...if someone was that concerned surely they'd just tell me ?
It's that ...with the extra work that has me thinking
He is one of two on his shift that work away from home (the other stays in his caravan on a campsite)
The project he's on combined with a course he's doing will hopefully put him in line for promotion at Head Office ...which is near home , that's the aim.
I need to play the long game ~ whilst not appearing suspicious , it's great for the diet at the moment !

OP posts:
PutUpWithRain · 24/03/2018 21:29

Just to go against the grain slightly, I'm very aware that there is a lot of gossip about me and one of my male friends, which seems to all come from one source - a colleague/rival of said male friend (they're both self-employed, so are either competing for contracts, or working for the same organisation most of the time).

It is utter bollocks - male friend is happily married with children, I am very happily single. But it suits the colleague/rival to hint that male friend is not to be trusted 'I mean, you know about him and PutUp, right?' Stirring, basically, because male friend is more successful. Male friend & I just laugh about it now, although it did used to upset me quite a lot.

I know it's horrible once the thought is there, and you won't feel at ease until you feel you've confirmed it one way or another. Hopefully your DH was just telling you as a way of saying 'Can you imagine anything more ridiculous??' rather than covering his arse.

Original poster
winewellies · 24/03/2018 21:36

Thanks PutUp ~ I am swaying between thinking just that ...and the complete opposite !
Part of me thinks , he told me about this bloke (I would probably do the same if it were me ) and he tells me all the other stuff and dramas that go on at work and I do the same with him ....then there's that niggle that's putting all the other bits together and coming up with another scenario ...siiiiigggh.

OP posts:
PutUpWithRain · 24/03/2018 21:55

From everything you've said, your DH would be too knackered to have an affair! And I think it's important that you've acknowledged that if the roles were reversed, you'd have told your DH too, because it's just part of the dramas and crap that go on in the workplace, that you just naturally share with each other.

I think you're right to play the long game, see if anything comes up that strikes you as odd, and then see how you feel. But also remember that people do gossip - sometimes because they're bored, sometimes maliciously. And once you have that seed of doubt planted, it's hard to dislodge it, even if everything is telling you that there's nothing going on. You can be 99% sure, but the 1% always shouts loudest, the bastard Smile