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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH warning me about gossip at work

152 replies

winewellies · 23/03/2018 09:40

Bit of background .. DH works away , it used to be 4 nights a week and recently it has gone up to 5 nights and an occasional 'emergency' got to go in today ...
He has in the past suspected I am having an affair ( I'm not !) Posted on here about it.
We get on okay , both tired and stressed with work , kids and elderly parents etc.
He came home last week and said he needed to warn me that he'd had an argument with a guy at work who had been gossiping about him having an affair and that this bloke had threatened to contact me
I asked him if he was , why would someone think he was, who was the OW supposed to be etc etc ~ he said this bloke was annoyed that DH had been given a project over him , that because he doesn't go out with them after work and goes for a walk or visits his Mother (she lives where he works) that it looks dodgy and that there wasn't a particular woman named .
So now I am watching his every move ! Thinking he was trying to get in first so I would dismiss any contact from this bloke or was he being honest !? and its making an atmosphere
Just needed to vent really - don't know how to handle it

OP posts:
StarlightSparkle · 23/03/2018 13:32

5hell you obviously don’t spend much time on the Relationships forum if you’ve don’t think affairs are common place! A lot of the time it is hushed up even if discovered so no-one finds out about it.

You might bring up the idea if lots of people had found out and there was a very real chance of it getting back to your dw.

Wellies, lots of us have been in your position and it’s so horrible when you have suspicions but don’t know the truth. Is there anyone in RL you could confide in?

Graphista · 23/03/2018 13:59

5hell - I'd be curious to know your age, in my experience affairs are very common, I know very few relationships that have broken up NOT due to infidelity and it's usually (but not always) the guy cheating. I also know of a fair few relationships where they're still together and people are tolerating infidelity.

Dancingmonkey I agree I've seen a fair few threads like that too.

Yes bitoutofpractice or they've just been dumped and motivated by revenge disguised as "she has a right to know"

YolandasFridge · 23/03/2018 14:03

OP you are in danger of blowing your cover with the voicemail thing

You say you've been cheated on before but didn't get concrete evidence, you don't want that to happen again.

You need to follow previous good advice of acting very normal until he relaxes, and watch and listen to everything. Try and get into his phone, emails etc.

If I hadn't done all that I'd still be driving myself mad why he was being so awful to me and he'd still be shagging her and taking her out for expensive dinners.

As it stands we are attempting to pick up the pieces , I had to know 100% what I was dealing with and that meant being a bit clever rather than blurting out " I think you're having an affair" to someone already embroiled in a huge web of lies.

Do you really think if you confront him he will tell you the truth?

Also why do you think she's The One? She will be just now of course temporarily but once the affair mist clears she may very well get dropped from a great height like in my situation ( well as far as I know...Hmm)

Blaablaablaa · 23/03/2018 14:14

I'm really sorry to say this but a very similar thing happened to me and he was having an affair.

My ex worked away during the week and during a (rare) phone call home he made a huge deal out of how his work colleagues were jokingly accusing him of having an affair with a female colleague. Made it out to be some huge joke and absolutely ridiculous. Fast forward a few weeks and I get a text from him that was clearly meant for someone else - turned out he was having an affair and had tried to deflect my attention by making it out to be a joke just in case it was ever mentioned to me.

I think you need to have a serious talk with him and get to the bottom of it.

IrianOfW · 23/03/2018 14:18

That's how I began to investigate 6 years ago. I had had my suspicions that 'something' was wrong but couldn't believe he'd do that Hmm. When he warned me about rumours at work I started to think and found I was picking at a very long thread indeed.

IME most men would rather die than bring up such a subject with their other half - only going to happen if he's really worried.

Sorry.

snowy1982 · 23/03/2018 14:23

Not saying the husband is or isn’t cheating, but just wanted to add to the people who have said that actually yes people do make up shit about other people’s relationships just for the hell of it.

Me and now DH heard lots of wonderful stories about us, back when we were still BF & GF that were blatantly made up. One Sunday evening we were sitting watching tv and I got a message from a good friend asking if I was ok, I said yes, why you asking? She replied, I heard you and BF broke up last night, you were in local bar and had a massive screaming match and are over. Then BF and I had actually been at the cinema the night before and had a lovely evening and were nowhere near the local bar.

I’m not saying one way or another what is happening in this case, but I can honestly believe some very angry guy may threaten to do something like this to piss off OP’s DH

Original poster
winewellies · 23/03/2018 14:29

He replied to my text Re the domestic stuff but not the voicemail bit ....I am going to 'do normal' for a while (if I can) and just be alert to any changes in him/dodgy stuff
I am suspicious , keep going over things in my head , like he said a while back that 'the lads' all took the piss out of him for having a shower at work before he went to see his sister ...didn't think anything of it at the time but now wish I'd noted the date .
In RL I have mentioned it to a friend who doesn't believe he would do anything like that as he adores me etc etc

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 23/03/2018 14:32

Maybe you need to 'come down with something' to buy yourself some time to calm down and some thinking space. Diarrhoea is always a good one Wink

Blaablaablaa · 23/03/2018 14:35

I'm not sure you can put much emphasis on other people's perception of your relationship. None of our close friends and family would have believed he would cheat on me as he 'worshiped the ground i walked upon' . In fact, when we split everyone assumed it was me that had cheated because i was the more outgoing person and went out and socialised more ( i'm still pretty offended by that tbh)Some of his friends and family still refuse to believe it as apparently I was the love of his life.
You need to trust your instincts and get the truth from him

BitOutOfPractice · 23/03/2018 14:37

Nobody ever believes theor OH would do it

I'm not sure what the point was about the voicemail with two men talking was tbh. Am I being dim?

GayAllen · 23/03/2018 14:50

Hmm. If I were him and having an affair I’d probably just have stuck with the disgruntled colleague story.

But it does sound dodgy.

willynillypie · 23/03/2018 15:08

His comment re showering at work and bringing it up as people make fun of him is definitely also a red flag.

prh47bridge · 23/03/2018 15:35

His comment re showering at work and bringing it up as people make fun of him is definitely also a red flag

Really? I used to do some voluntary work. There was a shower which was hardly ever used. One day I used it. People made fun of me for doing so. I told my wife. I wasn't having an affair. I was simply telling her what had happened. Should she have taken that as a red flag?

I am not saying he isn't having an affair but there is very little evidence here.

Original poster
winewellies · 23/03/2018 16:00

His workplace is the sort of place where they wind each other up and play practical jokes etc ..I can imagine getting ribbed for taking a shower , he mentioned that in general what happened at work conversation , the bloke accusing him of an affair episode was more a 'Thought I'd better tell you ....' thing

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 23/03/2018 16:47

I see, OP, in that case keep an open mind about it. The colleague might be winding him up, hence why he suspected you. Don't let these idiots create a wedge between you for no reason, it might turn out to be entirely unfounded.

It would be worth calling your MIL or going over there, to put your mind at rest, though.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 23/03/2018 17:05

Is there any man in the world who'd have a shower at work before going to see their sister? Why would anyone do that?

OP, if he's just 70 miles away, why can't he come home?

BoobleMcB · 23/03/2018 17:12

Well personally I feel pretty sorry for your DH. There is literally ZERO evidence of any wrong doing at present yet the MN jury have already crucified, hung, drawn and quartered the guy.

OP has been checking accounts etc and found nothing, FB stalking and found nothing. Her RL friend who actually knows her DH believes nothing is going on. What makes everyone here know better?

How about giving the benefit of the doubt for now and of anything else comes up, then consider that?!

Obviously if it turns out he is messing about then of course I'll join you in the vilifying but at the moment, he's innocent

bastardkitty · 23/03/2018 17:29

Righto!

C0untDucku1a · 23/03/2018 17:42

Does he often visit his sister after work? After havingn a shower?

willynillypie · 23/03/2018 17:43

Is there any man in the world who'd have a shower at work before going to see their sister? Why would anyone do that?

EXACTLY!

Zucker · 23/03/2018 17:45

OP, if he's just 70 miles away, why can't he come home?

^This

Original poster
winewellies · 23/03/2018 17:51

He does a physical, dirty job fixing and installing industrial machinery so does shower after work most days , but not as often actually at work but his sister lives near to work so that would make sense in a way, he goes over for dinner most weeks
He doesn't come home because he works a twelve hour shift which finishes at 6pm ...it'd take him 90 mins to get home every night , then he'd have to leave in the morning in order to get back ready to clock in at 5.50am (plus fuel costs etc would make it most cost effective)
I have spoken to the friend this afternoon and she has pointed out that you could look at a lot of situations and twist it to look dodgy
I am not ready to LTB ...just on high alert atm

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 23/03/2018 18:49

Maybe he's fucking your friend?

stardust18 · 23/03/2018 19:22

Do you have any idea who it is OP? It does sound a bit fishy. I hope you get it sorted one way or another

user7680 · 23/03/2018 21:04

There’s no smoke without fire......