DH warning me about gossip at work

[winewellies]

Bit of background .. DH works away , it used to be 4 nights a week and recently it has gone up to 5 nights and an occasional 'emergency' got to go in today ...
He has in the past suspected I am having an affair ( I'm not !) Posted on here about it.
We get on okay , both tired and stressed with work , kids and elderly parents etc.
He came home last week and said he needed to warn me that he'd had an argument with a guy at work who had been gossiping about him having an affair and that this bloke had threatened to contact me
I asked him if he was , why would someone think he was, who was the OW supposed to be etc etc ~ he said this bloke was annoyed that DH had been given a project over him , that because he doesn't go out with them after work and goes for a walk or visits his Mother (she lives where he works) that it looks dodgy and that there wasn't a particular woman named .
So now I am watching his every move ! Thinking he was trying to get in first so I would dismiss any contact from this bloke or was he being honest !? and its making an atmosphere
Just needed to vent really - don't know how to handle it

One of the most reliable signs that someone is having an affair is that they accuse their partner of having an affair. Given that he has already done that and is now concocting this ridiculous story about his colleague, I'd say it's pretty much guaranteed that he has an OW. Sorry OP.

He goes for a walk...

Hmmm...

Agree with Popchyk. Have a chat to him about how he's managing this through the work grievance process and what HR have said about it

How far away does his mum live?

I would imagine he is having an affair.

Can’t you ring his mum’s landline and ask her to put him on so you can ask him something and gauge her reaction?

He's lying to you.

People do NOT encroach on somebody else's marriage to pass on rumours unless they have a very strong reason to do so. They just don't. I'm sorry, OP.

I wouldn't leave it either. I'd tell husband he has one opportunity to tell me the truth and there will be no other. Then listen.

I'd be phoning the mother.

Say he's lost something did he leave it at yours when he stayed last....

Was it this Monday he stayed at his mothers?

Could you ring and say DH says he left something when he stayed over. "Was it this Monday he stayed at yours MIL or last? He cannot remember".

Don't do ANYTHING right now. Bide your time and think this through.

Let him think you are totally on his side and indignant about Gossip Bloke.

I'd possibly leave it a full week or so, just make supportive noises - 'by the way he hasn't contacted me after all, he'd be stupid to with that ridiculous story but I'll let you know if he does darling!'

Give him time to relax about it. Right now, if you snoop he will be on high alert. He has probably cooled things right now, if it is an affair, just in case. It's the worst time to go digging.

What is the situation - how far is the work/MIL location from you? How old are your kids and how free are you - could you get over there and snoop, for example? How is he with his phone (however a second phone is possible anyway). How often do you speak to him when he's away - do you have fixed times, or might he expect you to call randomly? Does he not answer sometimes when you call?

You can check out the MIL story fairly easily. You'll have to lie low until he relaxes though. Pick a night you know he's supposed to be there, just through casual conversation. Then wait until late evening and call the land line from your land line or call box - say you've lost your phone and had MIL's number on a bit of paper but not his. Invent something you need to contact him for - leaking pipe or electrics gone off or fence blown down, does he have the number of hte usual plumber or whatever (you've lost your phone, remember?) Or even a call to let him know you've lost your phone so don't panic if it's not answered. That's all quite plausible. And if MIL answers and he's not there - 'Oh, do you know when you expect him? Should he be with you tonight - I'm not really sure what he's doing - will he be with you tomorrow if not tonight? As long as I can get hold of him by tomorrow... If the response is bafflement, no darling I'm not really expecting him to stay this week, did he say he was? - then you have him.

But don't do anything for a good week or so.

Cross post MrsPreston

If he is with someone else , she'll will be The One and he'd want to be with her so he'd either tell me or slip up so I'd find out , if you get what I mean ? But he'd also not want to be The Bad Guy in the eyes of his family etc
I don't think I can be normal when hes home , I think I will have to ask him outright and see how he reacts , insinuate I might know something ?

Doesn’t sound great at all. My Ex had affairs and this sounds very familiar.

This exact same thing happened with a work colleague.
She was indeed having an affair.
Sorry OP

Yes to ringing his mum

The fact he has previously accused you of having an affair would ring alarm bells for me. Sounds like he could be projecting his behaviour onto you. Sorry OP.

@FizzyGreen
Kids too young to leave and he works 6-6
What you say makes sense though , I might be able to 'call by' in the school holidays maybe ?
I only ever ring if it's an emergency , we normally text , he has been texting more since the announcement about the gossip and he knows me well enough to know I'm acting differently

What’s your relationship with his mum like-do you think she would try to cover up for him?

Rumours do start like this, but this one seems very far-fetched and, as others have said, another red flag is the fact that he's accused you recently.

You could ring his mum, ask if he's there as you understand he does go and visit her sometimes?

He just doesn't sound like someone with any intention of being honest with you so asking him is really pointless. Unless you want to say 'I have absolute proof now of your affair (don't discuss what) and I want to hear the truth from you now. But he sounds like an accomplished liar to me.

What kind of work does he do 6-6? Has he always worked those hours? How many shifts per week?

There are no women at his work

Yeah, that's what I was told too

If he wanted to confess he wouldn’t have concocted a story to try and cover his tracks. He’ll deny everything if you ask him.

Difficult. People could wrongly believe him to be having an affair. But what he’s done is likely what he would do if he’s been caught by colleagues having an affair. You’re going to need more evidence I think.

To be honest, regardless of what's been said your relationship with DH doesn't sound good at all. Have you considered counselling or even just calling it a day if neither of you trust the other?

There would be definite alarm bells for me, but honestly I'm agog at the number of hours he works, being called in urgently etc etc. Do you share a bank account etc - does he get paid overtime for all these alleged hours? Is he really that indispensable?