Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH warning me about gossip at work

152 replies

winewellies · 23/03/2018 09:40

Bit of background .. DH works away , it used to be 4 nights a week and recently it has gone up to 5 nights and an occasional 'emergency' got to go in today ...
He has in the past suspected I am having an affair ( I'm not !) Posted on here about it.
We get on okay , both tired and stressed with work , kids and elderly parents etc.
He came home last week and said he needed to warn me that he'd had an argument with a guy at work who had been gossiping about him having an affair and that this bloke had threatened to contact me
I asked him if he was , why would someone think he was, who was the OW supposed to be etc etc ~ he said this bloke was annoyed that DH had been given a project over him , that because he doesn't go out with them after work and goes for a walk or visits his Mother (she lives where he works) that it looks dodgy and that there wasn't a particular woman named .
So now I am watching his every move ! Thinking he was trying to get in first so I would dismiss any contact from this bloke or was he being honest !? and its making an atmosphere
Just needed to vent really - don't know how to handle it

OP posts:
Graphista · 23/03/2018 11:17

Bitoutofpractice - not always (but I know what you mean - it's used as justification)

My ex came boo-hooing to me when she told him she was pregnant - "it was never meant to be serious, I don't even love her" they're now married with 5 kids and he cheats on her regularly - several times shagging friends of hers. Think they're both miserable, karma's a bitch eh Grin

PortBlacksandGinResidence · 23/03/2018 11:17

I suppose because the OP said there's no women where he works. And that her DH said there was no specific woman mentioned.

And because of the voicemails (two men) - but i might have got that wrong as it's a bit unclear.

loveyoutothemoon · 23/03/2018 11:18

I think he's having an affair. And the accusing you is because of this. Message that man. I don't think you should hang around, faffing with proof, more evidence. What if the man changes his mind and decides not to disclose?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/03/2018 11:18

You ‘get on OK’...

Supposing you knew for sure he wasn’t having an affair, do you actually want to be in your marriage anyway?

If he is having an affair, how do you feel about it?

You sound a bit ‘whatever’. I can’t tell if that’s how you actually feel or if it’s just a defence mechanism.

FencingFightingTorture35 · 23/03/2018 11:23

Could you not ring your MIL and say your DH has realised he left something at her house and is it there? Say he realised he hasn't seen it since last Monday (or whichever day he's supposed to have been there)

Original poster
winewellies · 23/03/2018 11:25

I made up the voicemail .... might just put a bit of pressure on with similar things and see if he cracks , not going to have a row as that'll give him a reason to flounce out
Just going to watch how he is and play the long game I think (plus there's still money to pay on the family holiday he booked last week )
Just been thru his paper bank statements for his account and no unusual cash withdrawals or payments and our joint account is normal , his phone is the tricky one as its a fingerprint ID thing , that'll be where anything I need to know is
Of course there could be nothing going on ..but my gut instinct says different

OP posts:
willynillypie · 23/03/2018 11:27

I wouldn't be able to wait until the school holidays if I were you! I would immediately ring MIL and do what others have suggested where you work things in a way so she can't just cover for him. E.g the watch suggestion - you could even change the date he said he was there to see if she corrects you "Did he leave his watch there on Friday?" Unlikely she will correct you to Monday unless he was actually there.

Secondly, I would try to contact the person in the office who has this supposed vendetta and can therefore provide information. I like your idea with the voicemails - see what he says. I am very sorry to say that accusing you of an affair, coupled with blatant arse covering and longer hours sounds pretty condemning. I would not be able to keep it to myself either, but it's also very likely he will lie to you.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/03/2018 11:27

Graphista crikey it sounds like you are well shot of him! Wanker!

But yes, I should have said "often" not "always" because, as you rightly say, there's the other type of OW, the one who "meant nothing"

JessicaJonesJacket · 23/03/2018 11:28

My bf was an engineer who worked in a place with no women. But some job allocation calls came from an office that employed women. Guess who he had an affair with?
I'd be very suspicious of his story.

Original poster
winewellies · 23/03/2018 11:29

Marriage is okay at the moment , we go through shitty phases and really good ones , it's not perfect at all
He likes drama and I'm a bit more reserved , I have been cheated on before and played it wrong and never really knew the truth.
If he is having an affair it's over , if I can't trust him then its over anyway I suppose
I am shaking and haven't done any work , he's not due home til Sat eve ..
I am known to be 'hard faced' but it's to protect myself TBH

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 23/03/2018 11:32

Has he always worked away from home 4-5 nights a week? including weekends? Can I ask what does he do?!

Sarahh2014 · 23/03/2018 11:42

I wouldn't mention to The MIL about him being at hers and left something as she could pick up on it and cover for him straight away.Id kust turn up near to time of him finishing and say hi we've come to surprise him then you'll see her facial reaction

eddielizzard · 23/03/2018 11:49

you're right to play the long game. the thing with the 150 mile round trip to see his mum is if he doesn't turn up, unless you catch him in the lie it won't necessarily prove anything.

bide your time. mention to your sil that her mum's lucky he stops by so often. gauge her reaction. little things will add up.

Wdigin2this · 23/03/2018 11:50

You have to ask yourself, which scenario is most likely.
A) Some guy is so pissed off about projects, he decides to pay your husband back, by ringing you with a concocted story about an affair.
Or
B) You DH is having an affair, someone's (poss the woman's husband?) found out and is threatening to out him!
Whichever you believe, you need to be sure, so ring his DM the very next time he says he's there, and ask her outright...is he there. If she says yes, insist on speaking to him, on her phone

Graphista · 23/03/2018 11:52

"Graphista crikey it sounds like you are wellshot of him! Wanker!" If I posted on one thread everything he's done I'd be accused of lying! That's one of the least awful things he did.

I wouldn't say anything to mil either. At the end of the day she is still his mother and on "his side", at the very least she could ask "did you find your watch?" Leading to a conversation where he realises you're suspicious.

prh47bridge · 23/03/2018 12:10

People do NOT encroach on somebody else's marriage to pass on rumours unless they have a very strong reason to do so

I'm afraid that is not true. Most people wouldn't but there are, sadly, people who will maliciously attempt to undermine other people's relationships, sometimes for quite trivial reasons. Sometimes they succeed.

AthenasOwl · 23/03/2018 12:20

Sounds like damage limitation to me. He's been having an affair and someone at work has found out so he's decided to get his story out first.
His accusing you of having an affair is a classic case of projection.

Adora10 · 23/03/2018 12:27

He's covering his arse as the can of worms has now been opened. Sorry OP, stay strong, bide your time.

5hell · 23/03/2018 12:55

I'm pretty sure affairs in real life are not half as common as they are on TV - I cant really see why almost everyone here seems to assume he's guilty?!

The "arse covering" theory seems weak - if you were having an affair, would you really bring up the idea? If someone wanted to pre-empt an accusation it would seem more sensible to invent a complex work project (or similar) that could be used as an excuse!

it sounds like you're both stressed, tired, over worked and need a break; if he works nights you probably don't get much time together (nevermind time alone together!). I hope you're suspicions are wrong and you can work things out

Dancingmonkey87 · 23/03/2018 12:58

How many threads from the ow have we seen where they are threatening to tell the wife or the friend who witnessed their friends husband with someone else. I think it’s 90% likely he’s having an affair.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/03/2018 13:09

I've seen none, Dancingmonkey. I've seen women who've been betrayed threatening to tell OW's husband but none from OW who I think stay quiet.

Affairs are really more commonplace than we realise and very many are known about by other people and not disclosed. I stay out of it; it's not my job to police what other people do and I'm not interested in what they're doing either.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/03/2018 13:13

Lying really? I've seen three in the last month by OW! Often it's when the man has lied to them and they didn't realise they were the OW

PNGirl · 23/03/2018 13:15

Making up a work project doesn't cover him if/when this guy gets in touch because he found out and said "You tell her or I will", does it? How many stories are there of women who warn a new gf that their exDH is abusive and they say "He said you'd say that because you're crazy".

Dancingmonkey87 · 23/03/2018 13:28

There’s been many from ow often or not they tend to get deleted but they do come up lying. I recall one poster who has mental health problems who was seeing someone’s husband who she worked with I believe he was her boss and had left her husband and daughter and demanded her new dp tell his wife. She had family outside the U.K.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/03/2018 13:29

No I really hadn't, BitOutOfPractice. I'd question those threads though if I had because if a man lies to them, they're not an OW really because there wasn't an intent by them to deceive and be duplicitous.

Quite honestly, I skip over most of the OW threads here because they just don't ring true in my opinion. In RL, OW aren't as 'loud and proud' as they seem to be here.