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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Odd behaviour from my partner

178 replies

namechange1993 · 20/03/2018 19:26

Hello,

This is my first post on here. It's a quite a long one about my partners behaviour. I don't think it's right but need some advice.

I started seeing a guy last year who is 11 years older than me. He had been single for 3 years prior to meeting me but married for ten to his ex wife who he is now divorced from.

We started taking things slowly last year and were still very much in dating stages of a relationship. I work in a shop (a chandlery) and have worked there for a few years now which is how we met. As I pretty much work on a marina/boat yard I know many of the regulars who come in and have become friends with some over the years.

One guy, who I regard as a friend who comes in invited me to a bbq last year in the boat yard itself. Not just me, there was a few people there from the marina and a good mix of ages - say mid twenties up to people in their 60s. Pretty much all of them I know from my job. I thought it was a good idea and happily went along after work. We had the bbq then were there for ages listening to music and chatting random stuff, just socialising.
I get a text from my partner (we were only just at dating stage at this point) asking how I was. I told him 'fine, just in the boat having a bbq with x, y and z plus some others'. Then I get a text back straight away saying 'are you taking the piss out of me?'. At this point I didn't have a clue what he was talking about so I called him and he kicked off because apparently the guy who asked me to go fancies me Hmm this is according to my partner anyway. I spent all of the following day apologising to my partner for going and was made to feel like shit for it! I should have left then but stupidly I stayed with him. He behaviour left me gobsmacked.

He works weekends and I was invited to a wedding. I put the offer there to him if he wanted to come but I knew he had to work. He was ok with me going by myself as was I. It was a long time friends getting married who I hadn't seen since I was about 18. I went and there were friends there I hadn't see for a long time. One of the guys in the group got drunk at the reception and he was talking to me. At one point in the night he came up behind me and put his hands around my waist as we were dancing but he only did it to tickle me, not to be a perv or anything. I laughed when he did it and another friend managed to take a picture of the precise moment. It was a really good night. I got home and spoke to my partner about it the next day, told him how it was. He seemed fine. Eventually pictures of the wedding reception ended up on FB and my partner saw them. He saw the one of my friend tickling me and me laughing and he went mad! He didn't even ask me what happened so I could explain it was all in jest. He came out with 'who the fuck is that dickhead, I'd knock him out' straight off the bat. I explained who he was and what was happening but he kept saying 'I couldn't give a fuck, he's a prick!'. He gets so angry easily, there's no inbetween.

Another thing, an old friend (different one) messaged me on fb to see if I wanted to catch up as he was working in my town. He was going out with his work mates (male and female) and invited me to tag along. He has a fiancée. Anyway I agreed and invited my partner to come too. Again he was working so couldn't come and he didn't have a problem with me going. I met up with my friend and some of his colleagues for drinks. Most of them went home after a while so in the end there was four of us: me, my friend, one male colleague, one female colleague. I was driving so drank cokes all night. We decided to get something to eat at an Italian. Afterwards we went to a bar. Just after 10pm I decided to call it a night and go home.

I got home, partner was at work still so I sent a courtesy text to let him know I was back. He said 'ok, have you just got back now?', I said 'yeah we went for a meal and then a bar'. He replied with 'are you taking the piss out of me??' (Again!!). I said 'no', he followed it up with a bombardment of texts about how I was a 'slag' and a 'fucking slut' etc and that I should have gone for a drink and come home right away. I explained friend is engaged, I spent my evening talking to his female friend but none of this mattered.

The thing that bothers me most is how angry he gets. There's almost like a 'coldness' behind his eyes when he flips. I can't explain it well. There's other things he's done too but I've probably gone on enough now. We end up rowing all the time but I always end up saying sorry and even then he doesn't accept my apologies and he gives me the silent treatment long after he's raged. He's given me the silent treatment for two days before now.

I've come to my sisters for a couple of days and have told her what's been happening. She's shocked as she never knew. She thinks I should leave him as he'll only get worse.

I haven't had many relationships before so I'd like any advice. Is this normal?

Sorry is so long and thanks

OP posts:
jeepsinbeepsfoxonbox · 21/03/2018 10:02

The text sounds like a good idea to me. Doesn't give anything way, no excuse for him to get angry at it. I'm glad your sister is so supportive and on your side. That's really a great help.

If he does take the route of spreading rumours about you at work, try and keep your head held high. I had a man do that to me at work once (my manager), when I was 21. We hadn't been romantically involved but he was interested in me and some of his behaviour was starting to worry me. He was doing things like turning up at my house. I began to distance myself from him as much as I could and that's when he started spreading rumours about me being a slag etc.

I won't lie and say it didn't bother me. It was not a nice feeling at all. But the work colleagues who knew me best didn't believe him. Some did believe him but that's life I suppose. His true colours got shown in the end when he told a blatant lie about me to management and my old boss (lovely woman) put him straight in front of them all. He soon, very dramatically, quit the job and I think by then most people realised he had been making stuff up about me.

Sorry... Started rambling there. Back to my point, if he does do stuff like that, which he may well do, keep your head held high and conduct yourself with dignity. Flowers

Joysmum · 21/03/2018 10:09

Personally I’d confide in your boss that you’ve been in a relationship and that he’s shown some disturbingly behavior that that’s led you to end it but that you fear his reaction.

Then ask for advice on how this might affect your work and how you might manage things to limit any possible impact that he could potentially have should he choose to become difficult.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/03/2018 10:21

I've not text him yet but will do later today when my headache subsides

Hurray! He sounds like my ex. Totally controlling and it would have escalated with him gradually isolating you from your friends and family, emotional abuse etc.

I bet his 'unreasonable behaviour' was exactly this, I very much doubt his ex-wife cheated, I bet she just ran for hills!

I also bet he blames your sister's influence for your decision.

Good luck! Stay strong. Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 21/03/2018 10:27

So glad you are ending this.
Please consider doing the Freedom Programme.
You can do it on-line.
It will help you spot red flags and end things far sooner than this.
And NO! To divorce for unreasonable behaviour would need more than that.
If he did cheat, after 10 years with this kind of crap it''s hardly surprising.
She was looking for her way out.
An exit affair.
End this today so you don't have anymore walking on egg-shells.
When you end it - block, ignore, delete anything after that.
I hope the hangover goes away soon.
Fizzy water!!!

cafune7 · 21/03/2018 10:32

OP, you are 25. You need to go out! See friends, go to movies, go to parties, dinners, brunches. You don't have children, yet, I understand, so you also have plenty of time and no commitments. You can't be with a man like this (also, the age gap is quite noticeable but that's a whole different story!)...

jeepsinbeepsfoxonbox · 21/03/2018 10:36

Please consider doing the Freedom Programme.
You can do it on-line.

I second this. I did it online and it has really helped me see the warning signs and see what kind of behaviour is acceptable and what isn't within a relationship.

appleblossomtree · 21/03/2018 10:38

Run and never look back. This is not normal. He sounds so awful

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/03/2018 10:46

When you send the text, make sure you don't use the word 'sorry' anywhere, he'll see it as a weakness.
You've got a great sister !

hellsbellsmelons · 21/03/2018 10:48

Agree with PP.
Not 'sorry' - no weak wording.
No 'I thinks'
Just straight to the point.
This is not working for me. I do not want to be in a relationship. This is over.

14StoneInADay · 21/03/2018 10:52
Confused
StormTreader · 21/03/2018 10:53

"But he's adamant she cheated as she went to Spain to do some work (she was an extra in adverts apparently) and she met someone else whilst filming an advert. "

I wouldnt be surprised at all if being away from him in Spain and being able to talk to who she wanted without being accused of cheating opened her eyes to how unreasonable his behaviour is. Maybe she met someone and maybe she didnt, but I bet that wasnt what made her decide to get a divorce.

Pinklady301 · 21/03/2018 10:53

Good luck OP. Agree with everyone else. Be blunt and firm, no need to be callous, but no beating around the bush. He might try and manipulate you and beg you to reconsider but if you are strong enough, it won't matter. x

celticmissey · 21/03/2018 11:05

NO DEFINATELY NOT NORMAL! GET OUT OF IT NOW! He will only get worse - if he has that type of jealousy and temper now get out.....just tell him you do not want a relationship right now and are considering moving to another area in the near future -- just say anything to get out of it. If you spoke to his ex you would probably find he was controlling of her and she probably had a terrible time with him.

Blaablaablaa · 21/03/2018 11:22

This is not normal and very, very worrying. I can't really add anything to what PP have said other than don't use his wife cheating on him ( if that's even true but I doubt it is) to excuse his behaviour.
My ex husband cheated on me but I don't use it as an excuse to treat my new husband badly. I trust him and it would be very unfair to treat him badly for my ex's behaviour

Zaphodsotherhead · 21/03/2018 11:25

The 'wife cheating' could well be a self-fulfilling prophecy -

in that he accused her of cheating every single time she looked at a man, talked to a man, was alone with a man, had a telephone conversation with a man, etc etc etc. And then, when she met a nice, ordinary man who didn't treat her like a 'slag/slapper/slut', it was such a refreshing change that she fell for him.

So he could be factually correct. But he's not saying 'why' she cheated, is he?

gdaymatey · 21/03/2018 12:25

Agree with @Zaphodsotherhead .

Or, he accused her constantly and when she filed for divorce he just decided that had to be the reason. She probably did nothing of the sort and got sick of accusations and other bullshit.

BouncingIntoGraceland · 21/03/2018 12:52

Agree with pp about having a quiet word with your boss/supervisor.

He could well accuse you of all sorts.

LimonViola · 21/03/2018 13:13

I would just send a text and be as dull and drama free about it as possible. 'Our time together has come to an end, being in the relationship isn't right for me and I think you'll agree we're better off apart. I wish you the best for the future and would ask you not to contact me for a while as I need some space. Take care'

Don't block as you'll want to know what he's saying in case he's escalating.

Don't get sucked into back and forth discussions and reasoning, no need to tell him about the abuse being a reason as I think there's a chance that he'll get defensive and even angrier and it might put you at more risk. I would just stick to the 'It's not working for me' line. Repeated if necessary.

And I can't believe I have to say this but... in future, when a man calls you a slag, you walk. You don't stay with him. You don't continue to sleep with him and kiss him and spend time together. You end it.

He's a boyfriend of a few months, not a partner or a long term relationship. Dating is all about discovering whether you're compatible or not. You have no ties. It's perfectly normal to realise a few months in that you don't feel what you ought to for somebody. Just in case he tried to guilt you into staying. The more you tell him specific reasons for breaking up the more he'll promise to change them and improve which will be meaningless, he can't really come back to 'it's just not working for me' if you stay with that.

namechange1993 · 21/03/2018 17:52

Sorry for the late reply. I text him this afternoon and said "Hi, I just want you to know that I'm starting to feel differently about things and I don't think I can continue in a relationship. I need time to be on my own and figure out what I want. I wish you the best. Take care."

He replied almost straight away asking what I meant so I reiterated. He tried to call me 4 times but I've not bothered answering. My sister will be back from work at 8ish tonight.

I feel a bit rubbish now. When he was loving he was so nice but you're right he wasn't normal. My sister would tear me apart if I got back with him so what's done is done. I expect he'll be in touch again but for now it's quiet so I'll take that.

Thanks all for the responses

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 21/03/2018 17:56

I think you do need to block his number. There is nothing more to be said between you.

celticmissey · 21/03/2018 18:08

Well done you have definitely made the right decision - don't reply to any calls or texts from him- you have seen a dark side of him but it could get much worse if you remained in that relationship- stay strong and trust your gut instincts

Spudina · 21/03/2018 18:08

You need to leave this man. He sounds controlling and dangerous. Of course its normal to have platonic friendships with people of the opposite sex. A man who can't accept that is not a man to stay with. But please contact women's aid, as pp have said. The most dangerous time for any woman in an abusive relationship is when she tries to leave. (I don't mean to scare you, that's just a fact.) You need your families support, so keep them close.

RosieCockle · 21/03/2018 18:56

Glad you posted on here and took the great advice off other posters and your sister. It shocks me sometimes the way people can treat other people. Hope you are finally rid of the arsehole x

Ryder63 · 21/03/2018 20:43

Well done! I don't think you should block him yet. See if he escalates and becomes abusive/threatening via text, then you can plan what to do if you feel afraid, plus you'll have proof of his abuse if you need to tell work, friends or the police.

Hissy · 21/03/2018 21:23

Oh sweetheart! I just want to bundle you up and keep you safe!

You’ve done the right thing. This man is dangerous and would ruin your life, damage it and possibly even end it.

Please just block him, don’t go back, don’t give him an inch

I know you might feel guilty, because you’re a lovely person, but it’s what you know you have to do.

We’re all here for you

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