Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Odd behaviour from my partner

178 replies

namechange1993 · 20/03/2018 19:26

Hello,

This is my first post on here. It's a quite a long one about my partners behaviour. I don't think it's right but need some advice.

I started seeing a guy last year who is 11 years older than me. He had been single for 3 years prior to meeting me but married for ten to his ex wife who he is now divorced from.

We started taking things slowly last year and were still very much in dating stages of a relationship. I work in a shop (a chandlery) and have worked there for a few years now which is how we met. As I pretty much work on a marina/boat yard I know many of the regulars who come in and have become friends with some over the years.

One guy, who I regard as a friend who comes in invited me to a bbq last year in the boat yard itself. Not just me, there was a few people there from the marina and a good mix of ages - say mid twenties up to people in their 60s. Pretty much all of them I know from my job. I thought it was a good idea and happily went along after work. We had the bbq then were there for ages listening to music and chatting random stuff, just socialising.
I get a text from my partner (we were only just at dating stage at this point) asking how I was. I told him 'fine, just in the boat having a bbq with x, y and z plus some others'. Then I get a text back straight away saying 'are you taking the piss out of me?'. At this point I didn't have a clue what he was talking about so I called him and he kicked off because apparently the guy who asked me to go fancies me Hmm this is according to my partner anyway. I spent all of the following day apologising to my partner for going and was made to feel like shit for it! I should have left then but stupidly I stayed with him. He behaviour left me gobsmacked.

He works weekends and I was invited to a wedding. I put the offer there to him if he wanted to come but I knew he had to work. He was ok with me going by myself as was I. It was a long time friends getting married who I hadn't seen since I was about 18. I went and there were friends there I hadn't see for a long time. One of the guys in the group got drunk at the reception and he was talking to me. At one point in the night he came up behind me and put his hands around my waist as we were dancing but he only did it to tickle me, not to be a perv or anything. I laughed when he did it and another friend managed to take a picture of the precise moment. It was a really good night. I got home and spoke to my partner about it the next day, told him how it was. He seemed fine. Eventually pictures of the wedding reception ended up on FB and my partner saw them. He saw the one of my friend tickling me and me laughing and he went mad! He didn't even ask me what happened so I could explain it was all in jest. He came out with 'who the fuck is that dickhead, I'd knock him out' straight off the bat. I explained who he was and what was happening but he kept saying 'I couldn't give a fuck, he's a prick!'. He gets so angry easily, there's no inbetween.

Another thing, an old friend (different one) messaged me on fb to see if I wanted to catch up as he was working in my town. He was going out with his work mates (male and female) and invited me to tag along. He has a fiancée. Anyway I agreed and invited my partner to come too. Again he was working so couldn't come and he didn't have a problem with me going. I met up with my friend and some of his colleagues for drinks. Most of them went home after a while so in the end there was four of us: me, my friend, one male colleague, one female colleague. I was driving so drank cokes all night. We decided to get something to eat at an Italian. Afterwards we went to a bar. Just after 10pm I decided to call it a night and go home.

I got home, partner was at work still so I sent a courtesy text to let him know I was back. He said 'ok, have you just got back now?', I said 'yeah we went for a meal and then a bar'. He replied with 'are you taking the piss out of me??' (Again!!). I said 'no', he followed it up with a bombardment of texts about how I was a 'slag' and a 'fucking slut' etc and that I should have gone for a drink and come home right away. I explained friend is engaged, I spent my evening talking to his female friend but none of this mattered.

The thing that bothers me most is how angry he gets. There's almost like a 'coldness' behind his eyes when he flips. I can't explain it well. There's other things he's done too but I've probably gone on enough now. We end up rowing all the time but I always end up saying sorry and even then he doesn't accept my apologies and he gives me the silent treatment long after he's raged. He's given me the silent treatment for two days before now.

I've come to my sisters for a couple of days and have told her what's been happening. She's shocked as she never knew. She thinks I should leave him as he'll only get worse.

I haven't had many relationships before so I'd like any advice. Is this normal?

Sorry is so long and thanks

OP posts:
DameFanny · 20/03/2018 20:31

OP she probably cheated on him because she was so sick of being accused of cheating and wanted to get away...

Run. Run away. He's not going to get better, why would you want to live like that?

Next time he tells you you're a slut for having friends that aren't him, tell him ok, you'll take your slutty self away then. And ignore the pleading and him telling you it's only because he loves you because that'll only last 5 minutes.

Run now.

Ryder63 · 20/03/2018 20:31

You've seen the divorce papers. SHE divorced HIM for unreasonable behaviour. His behaviour to YOU is unreasonable - to put it mildly. You still seem to be defending him OP. This is worrying. He has already begun conditioning you to accept this behaviour as the new normal. No socialising, no visiting your sister without repercussions....

PrettyLittIeThing · 20/03/2018 20:31

I also agree you sound really naive. At 25 you should know this isn't normal. And also know that he could lie to "be the victim" that's a reason why he would lie. I thought you was much younger.

kinorsam · 20/03/2018 20:31

I bet if you spoke to his ex-wife, she would tell you that she never, ever, cheated on him, but he constantly accused of her it and wouldn't trust her, and that's why she divorced him.

AlexisColbysFANCYfrock · 20/03/2018 20:33

He sounds unstable, nasty and possibly quite dangerous. Get away from him now. He’s given you good warning of the sort of man he is.

Ryder63 · 20/03/2018 20:35

Might be worth requesting a Clare's Law disclosure, OP.

username7979 · 20/03/2018 20:36

this You’re heading into an abusive relationship. Get out while you can

username7979 · 20/03/2018 20:37

and he is already being abusive by making you doubt about yourself and walk on eggshells

namechange1993 · 20/03/2018 20:37

I've not had much experience with relationships and I thought it was just one of his quirks so i made excuses for it in my head. It's only today when I've opened up to my sister that she's telling me how it's not normal and he's unhinged. She's tempted to have words with him herself but I've told her not to.

On the outside he seems like a really nice helpful guy, even my parents like him. But no one knows what he does because I've just never mentioned it. It's brought me to tears a few times especially the texts. As soon as he turns into one of his bad moods I get the most horrendous sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. There's other things he's flipped out about even mid conversation. I think I need to leave.

I'm going to ask my sister to help me with what to say to him because I don't want to make him angry but I need to do what's best. I understand if he still has issues if his ex cheated but that was three years ago now. He shouldn't be taking it out on me. I feel so miserable.

OP posts:
AthenasOwl · 20/03/2018 20:38

My ex accused me of cheating constantly during our relationship. He put cameras up round the house and would follow me, despite never catching me because I was innocent he still to this day believes I cheated and tells anyone who will listen what a cheating slut I am because that's his reality.
I would take bets on his wife being entirely innocent and he's feeding you the line that enables him to abuse you and then say 'oh it's because she cheated on me'.

strawberrygelato · 20/03/2018 20:38

Sounds bashit fuckimg crazy

shallichangemyname · 20/03/2018 20:39

Great idea Clare's law.
Those texts you describe -again I had those. I would have to work out what I'd done "wrong". This sort of behaviour escalated into an extremely nasty, abusive snd controlling/coercive relationship.
Phone 101 and say you are in a relationship with someone and want to ask for Clare's Law. You'll need details like address and dob. If he has any relevant history they will then visit you to tell you. He will not know you've asked for, or been given, the information.

AnoiaUnstickMyDrawers · 20/03/2018 20:40

trigger warning - details of domestic violence

OP an acquaintance of mine was in a relationship like yours, it got progressively worse, with him being accusatory and raging at her for perfectly normal behaviour. It escalated to physical violence, always followed by declarations of love and the contents of the local florist.
It came to an end the day he smashed her head through the door of the washing machine. She collapsed later in the day (that's right, after coming to and mopping up the blood she was too scared to get medical attention in case it made him angry.) and an ambulance was called. She woke up in hospital to be told he had been arrested and charged with attempted murder.

Don't be a statistic. Leave him now. You don't live together, there's no need to ever see him again. If he has a key, change the locks, then dump him over the phone.

He sounds dangerous.

TheBrilliantMistake · 20/03/2018 20:40

To answer someone above his ex wife cheated on him and left him for someone else which explains his behaviour to some degree. But he doesn't come across being insecure and needing reassurance

It comes across precisely as that.
He is seeing you in the company of other men, and immediately interpreting them as a threat. You're going to spend the rest of your life in the company of other men, and yes, some of them may even flirt with you intentionally, whilst others will just enjoy your friendship etc. If he can't cope with that, it will only get worse for him and thus for you too.

It won't be long before you're accused of encouraging these men, or being 'up for it'. Next it will be that you actually did something, or slept with one of them etc.

I'm male, we all get insecure something, but this sort of behaviour is already a form of paranoia. He needs help, and you most likely need to start looking at life beyond him.
Personally, I'm not one for saying 'run' right away - but if talking it through and spelling things out for him doesn't work, it won't do any harm to invest in a good pair of running shoes!

WatchingFromTheWings · 20/03/2018 20:41

unhinged was her words lol.

Listen to your sister. She's right!

Paperthin · 20/03/2018 20:41

Trust your sister OP, she loves you. He does not. You don’t hurt, insult or threaten people you love.

shallichangemyname · 20/03/2018 20:43

That sinking feeling you describe. If you stay, get used to it. You will feel it, often every day, for the rest of your relationship. I'm shaking all over having to remember it.

headintheproverbial · 20/03/2018 20:43

He sounds horrible. LTB.

namechange1993 · 20/03/2018 20:43

I think it's best I just extract myself from the situation as amicably as I can. I still have my job which means I'll have to see him fairly regularly I guess. But if I leave him and don't give him reason to hate me it should hopefully blow over in time. We've only been together a few months.

Then again if he takes it badly he could make life shit for me.

OP posts:
shallichangemyname · 20/03/2018 20:44

Do you work with him?

Gemini69 · 20/03/2018 20:45

Stop trying to justify his behaviour.. this is NOT normal behaviour it's controlling coercive bullying manipulating behaviour.... it's not him being insecure.. it's him Controlling your every interaction with men...

tell him to Get to FOOK and fast Flowers

Luckyme2 · 20/03/2018 20:45

Get out now OP while it's still early days with no ties. I had a boyfriend like this in uni. Even accused me of eyeing up male swimmers in the public swimming pool! Hr was so angry about it! And then i had 2 days of silent treatment! He hadn't been married but used to say his ex gf had cheated on him. Tried to distance me from friends but when he grabbed me one evening to try to stop me going out that was when the veil lifted. Thank god. This is not normal OP and you will never feel relaxed. That's not how a happy relationship should be. You deserve so much better

Ryder63 · 20/03/2018 20:47

Then again if he takes it badly he could make life shit for me.

If he even ATTEMPTS this - phone the police immediately.

namechange1993 · 20/03/2018 20:47

No I don't work with him but he owns a boat so I see him often where I work. He knows the people I know. He could make shit for me but I'll just have to grow a thick skin. I should have sacked him off at the first time it happened with the bbq. We were only 'dating' then, not an item. My sister said I always look for the best in people which I probably why I didn't tell him to F off! She's right.

OP posts:
AngelsSins · 20/03/2018 20:48

I'll bet my life he'll tell his next girlfriend that you cheated on him too...

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.