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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Odd behaviour from my partner

178 replies

namechange1993 · 20/03/2018 19:26

Hello,

This is my first post on here. It's a quite a long one about my partners behaviour. I don't think it's right but need some advice.

I started seeing a guy last year who is 11 years older than me. He had been single for 3 years prior to meeting me but married for ten to his ex wife who he is now divorced from.

We started taking things slowly last year and were still very much in dating stages of a relationship. I work in a shop (a chandlery) and have worked there for a few years now which is how we met. As I pretty much work on a marina/boat yard I know many of the regulars who come in and have become friends with some over the years.

One guy, who I regard as a friend who comes in invited me to a bbq last year in the boat yard itself. Not just me, there was a few people there from the marina and a good mix of ages - say mid twenties up to people in their 60s. Pretty much all of them I know from my job. I thought it was a good idea and happily went along after work. We had the bbq then were there for ages listening to music and chatting random stuff, just socialising.
I get a text from my partner (we were only just at dating stage at this point) asking how I was. I told him 'fine, just in the boat having a bbq with x, y and z plus some others'. Then I get a text back straight away saying 'are you taking the piss out of me?'. At this point I didn't have a clue what he was talking about so I called him and he kicked off because apparently the guy who asked me to go fancies me Hmm this is according to my partner anyway. I spent all of the following day apologising to my partner for going and was made to feel like shit for it! I should have left then but stupidly I stayed with him. He behaviour left me gobsmacked.

He works weekends and I was invited to a wedding. I put the offer there to him if he wanted to come but I knew he had to work. He was ok with me going by myself as was I. It was a long time friends getting married who I hadn't seen since I was about 18. I went and there were friends there I hadn't see for a long time. One of the guys in the group got drunk at the reception and he was talking to me. At one point in the night he came up behind me and put his hands around my waist as we were dancing but he only did it to tickle me, not to be a perv or anything. I laughed when he did it and another friend managed to take a picture of the precise moment. It was a really good night. I got home and spoke to my partner about it the next day, told him how it was. He seemed fine. Eventually pictures of the wedding reception ended up on FB and my partner saw them. He saw the one of my friend tickling me and me laughing and he went mad! He didn't even ask me what happened so I could explain it was all in jest. He came out with 'who the fuck is that dickhead, I'd knock him out' straight off the bat. I explained who he was and what was happening but he kept saying 'I couldn't give a fuck, he's a prick!'. He gets so angry easily, there's no inbetween.

Another thing, an old friend (different one) messaged me on fb to see if I wanted to catch up as he was working in my town. He was going out with his work mates (male and female) and invited me to tag along. He has a fiancée. Anyway I agreed and invited my partner to come too. Again he was working so couldn't come and he didn't have a problem with me going. I met up with my friend and some of his colleagues for drinks. Most of them went home after a while so in the end there was four of us: me, my friend, one male colleague, one female colleague. I was driving so drank cokes all night. We decided to get something to eat at an Italian. Afterwards we went to a bar. Just after 10pm I decided to call it a night and go home.

I got home, partner was at work still so I sent a courtesy text to let him know I was back. He said 'ok, have you just got back now?', I said 'yeah we went for a meal and then a bar'. He replied with 'are you taking the piss out of me??' (Again!!). I said 'no', he followed it up with a bombardment of texts about how I was a 'slag' and a 'fucking slut' etc and that I should have gone for a drink and come home right away. I explained friend is engaged, I spent my evening talking to his female friend but none of this mattered.

The thing that bothers me most is how angry he gets. There's almost like a 'coldness' behind his eyes when he flips. I can't explain it well. There's other things he's done too but I've probably gone on enough now. We end up rowing all the time but I always end up saying sorry and even then he doesn't accept my apologies and he gives me the silent treatment long after he's raged. He's given me the silent treatment for two days before now.

I've come to my sisters for a couple of days and have told her what's been happening. She's shocked as she never knew. She thinks I should leave him as he'll only get worse.

I haven't had many relationships before so I'd like any advice. Is this normal?

Sorry is so long and thanks

OP posts:
Luckyme2 · 20/03/2018 20:48

Incidentally after we broke up (like you only together a few months) I would see him round uni. He would just blank me. But that was fine! I did use to feel immense sympathy for any new gfs he had though. So dont worry about having to see him while you're in work. Just be thankful you can get out before it gets much worse

namechange1993 · 20/03/2018 20:50

I'm gonna have to tell him and soon. My sister said she will be there with me when I do but I kind of feel like that's weird.

I feel gutted cos I did really like him bar the batshit stuff. I don't even know how to dump him.

Ha, my sis just said I should ghost him!!

OP posts:
Luckyme2 · 20/03/2018 20:54

I can't help you there. In my case I went back to my home town for summer hols and rang him to end it! Not sure you can ghost him if you have to see him in work. Just tell him straight I think

ManoloChooBoutin · 20/03/2018 20:55

Sorry you're in this situation OP. But totally agree with the advice you're getting here - this is NOT normal behaviour. Please be safe if / when you leave.

username7979 · 20/03/2018 20:55

just tell him something irrelevant like the age difference.

senioritabonita · 20/03/2018 20:58

Be very passive and vague. Grey rock after that - don't give him anything to speak to you about.

namechange1993 · 20/03/2018 20:58

Yeah I could just tell him he's a fucking weirdo and no one in their right mind would stay with him Grin but I think I'll just wimp out and say something like I'm not ready for a full blown relationship with anyone.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 20/03/2018 20:59

On the outside he seems like a really nice helpful guy, even my parents like him.

That is classic in an abusive relationship OP.

I don't think you should ghost him. You need to tell him that the relationship isn't working for you and you are ending it. You can do this in person, by phone or by text. Whichever seems safest to you.

But I would advise not to be alone with him when you tell him.

You then need to block him on your phone and social media.

OnTheRise · 20/03/2018 21:00

There are so many red flags in your post, OP, that it's like you're festooned with bunting.

His behaviour is way beyond acceptable.

Get rid of him, and soon. Accept your sister's offer to be with you when you do it. Or better still, dump him by text and then block him immediately, and don't go anywhere you might run into him for a good few weeks.

namechange1993 · 20/03/2018 21:04

I won't even text him to let him know when I'm back tomorrow. If he texts me in the meantime I'm just going to ignore and say my phone died or something.

My sister just reminded me of one night when we're in the pub watching a band. My cousin was with us. She was drunk and being a little bit flirty with him. My cousin getting drunk and being flirty with people isn't unusual. He got really uptight and started ranting to me and my sister outside the pub that my cousin was a 'slapper'. I completely forgot about that. My sister said she thought there was something wrong then but like me she put it to the back of her mind as we'd all been drinking.

Looking back it was probably a big clue that he's got issues.

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 20/03/2018 21:05

If you have a planned time to end it with it, maybe just have your sister come around at a certain time...so that you have an easy "out", and he hopefully feels uncomfortable enough to leave. If he is gone by the time she arrives, all the better.

TBH I think simply calling women "sluts" or "slags" would be enough for me. I would be pretty Hmm about DP even referring to some really horrible women we know like that (various other sweary words would be fine). Its just such misogynist language. Tells you a lot about his attitude towards women...

namechange1993 · 20/03/2018 21:06

I think I'll send him a text when I'm ready. It's cowardly but he is unhinged.

OP posts:
fizzthecat1 · 20/03/2018 21:09

Yeah I think text or phone is best, if it's face to face he'll just try totalk you round.

Prestonsflowers · 20/03/2018 21:09

he could make my life shit

He’s making your life shit now.
Tell him whatever you want to
Just get out soon

namechange1993 · 20/03/2018 21:12

If I told him face to face I think he'd get angry. Who knows what he'd do.

I'm definitely going to text and say I'm not ready for a full blown relationship and then try to move on. Seeing him will be hard but whilst I'm at work he can't berate me or anything else as there's always other people around

OP posts:
greenlynx · 20/03/2018 21:12

He sounds unstable, nasty and possibly quite dangerous. Get away from him now. He’s given you good warning of the sort of man he is.
This^^

Doobedoobedoobedoobedoobe · 20/03/2018 21:12

Not at all normal. He is an abusive fuckwit. If he genuinely was happy with you doing perfectly normal things he wouldn't be screaming at you later and calling you a slut. Get out now and don't go back. He will only get worse.

Fairenuff · 20/03/2018 21:13

Be prepared for tears and tantrums OP. Let us know how it goes.

Doobedoobedoobedoobedoobe · 20/03/2018 21:14

Do you know the circumstances of his divorce? - if his ex cheated on him, it might in some part explain his behaviour (worried you'll cheat too

Or more likely she left because he's a controlling abusive asshole...

user1474652148 · 20/03/2018 21:15

Run for the hills, don’t look back

Thebluedog · 20/03/2018 21:18

Glad to hear you’re going to get rid. He’s unhinged, abusive and controlling. If you stay it’ll just get worse. He’ll start stopping you from going out and eventually alienate you from friends and family.

Bin him now

idonteatvegemite · 20/03/2018 21:20

He's abusive and will only get worse. Your sister is right, he is unhinged. I bet his ex left him for the same reasons.

Text him it's over and then block him. Have someone stay with you or at their house. Let someone at work know too incase he tries anything.

Any sign of aggression or anything that scares you and you should report it.

Joysmum · 20/03/2018 21:20

I'm going to ask my sister to help me with what to say to him because I don't want to make him angry

If you’re scared of making him angry thennthats the best reason yet to make sure you end it properly.

Thank god you’ve realised this soon what he’s like. You owe your sister one!

namechange1993 · 20/03/2018 21:23

Sister is an angel, she has my back all the way. She's even offered to explain to my parents what's been happening in case I can't face it. she totally shocked though, she never knew this was going on.

It's her who's given me strength to walk away and all your responses are helping. I would have just brushed it under the carpet as usual. I don't know what made me open up to her today but I now see how damaged he is. I thought I was going mad, looking for ways in which I could do things different so he wouldn't get angry.

Thanks all for your responses. I know what I need to do. Dump via text and don't reply to him anymore. I expect him to spread lies about me like I'm a slut and a slag but I really don't care. He's not normal and I've been trying to justify him the whole time.

OP posts:
stellarfox · 20/03/2018 21:23

Glad you are leaving him as he definitely has some issues that you do not want to be dealing with. Send him the link to this thread :D On a serious note, it might be helpful for you to email/write a letter so he understands the issues so he can work on them

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