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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Odd behaviour from my partner

178 replies

namechange1993 · 20/03/2018 19:26

Hello,

This is my first post on here. It's a quite a long one about my partners behaviour. I don't think it's right but need some advice.

I started seeing a guy last year who is 11 years older than me. He had been single for 3 years prior to meeting me but married for ten to his ex wife who he is now divorced from.

We started taking things slowly last year and were still very much in dating stages of a relationship. I work in a shop (a chandlery) and have worked there for a few years now which is how we met. As I pretty much work on a marina/boat yard I know many of the regulars who come in and have become friends with some over the years.

One guy, who I regard as a friend who comes in invited me to a bbq last year in the boat yard itself. Not just me, there was a few people there from the marina and a good mix of ages - say mid twenties up to people in their 60s. Pretty much all of them I know from my job. I thought it was a good idea and happily went along after work. We had the bbq then were there for ages listening to music and chatting random stuff, just socialising.
I get a text from my partner (we were only just at dating stage at this point) asking how I was. I told him 'fine, just in the boat having a bbq with x, y and z plus some others'. Then I get a text back straight away saying 'are you taking the piss out of me?'. At this point I didn't have a clue what he was talking about so I called him and he kicked off because apparently the guy who asked me to go fancies me Hmm this is according to my partner anyway. I spent all of the following day apologising to my partner for going and was made to feel like shit for it! I should have left then but stupidly I stayed with him. He behaviour left me gobsmacked.

He works weekends and I was invited to a wedding. I put the offer there to him if he wanted to come but I knew he had to work. He was ok with me going by myself as was I. It was a long time friends getting married who I hadn't seen since I was about 18. I went and there were friends there I hadn't see for a long time. One of the guys in the group got drunk at the reception and he was talking to me. At one point in the night he came up behind me and put his hands around my waist as we were dancing but he only did it to tickle me, not to be a perv or anything. I laughed when he did it and another friend managed to take a picture of the precise moment. It was a really good night. I got home and spoke to my partner about it the next day, told him how it was. He seemed fine. Eventually pictures of the wedding reception ended up on FB and my partner saw them. He saw the one of my friend tickling me and me laughing and he went mad! He didn't even ask me what happened so I could explain it was all in jest. He came out with 'who the fuck is that dickhead, I'd knock him out' straight off the bat. I explained who he was and what was happening but he kept saying 'I couldn't give a fuck, he's a prick!'. He gets so angry easily, there's no inbetween.

Another thing, an old friend (different one) messaged me on fb to see if I wanted to catch up as he was working in my town. He was going out with his work mates (male and female) and invited me to tag along. He has a fiancée. Anyway I agreed and invited my partner to come too. Again he was working so couldn't come and he didn't have a problem with me going. I met up with my friend and some of his colleagues for drinks. Most of them went home after a while so in the end there was four of us: me, my friend, one male colleague, one female colleague. I was driving so drank cokes all night. We decided to get something to eat at an Italian. Afterwards we went to a bar. Just after 10pm I decided to call it a night and go home.

I got home, partner was at work still so I sent a courtesy text to let him know I was back. He said 'ok, have you just got back now?', I said 'yeah we went for a meal and then a bar'. He replied with 'are you taking the piss out of me??' (Again!!). I said 'no', he followed it up with a bombardment of texts about how I was a 'slag' and a 'fucking slut' etc and that I should have gone for a drink and come home right away. I explained friend is engaged, I spent my evening talking to his female friend but none of this mattered.

The thing that bothers me most is how angry he gets. There's almost like a 'coldness' behind his eyes when he flips. I can't explain it well. There's other things he's done too but I've probably gone on enough now. We end up rowing all the time but I always end up saying sorry and even then he doesn't accept my apologies and he gives me the silent treatment long after he's raged. He's given me the silent treatment for two days before now.

I've come to my sisters for a couple of days and have told her what's been happening. She's shocked as she never knew. She thinks I should leave him as he'll only get worse.

I haven't had many relationships before so I'd like any advice. Is this normal?

Sorry is so long and thanks

OP posts:
namechange1993 · 20/03/2018 20:06

Thanks for all the responses. I'm on my sisters mumsnet so had to change the username. I've spent the evening trying to maybe 'explain' or rationalise his behaviour to her but she's telling me to dump him and suggested I do a post on here as she clearly thinks he's not normal. Unhinged was her words lol.

To answer someone above his ex wife cheated on him and left him for someone else which explains his behaviour to some degree. But he doesn't come across being insecure and needing reassurance - that I could give to him. It's how quick to anger he is that bothers me and how he make an argument last for days and I end up saying sorry. I'm on eggshells.

OP posts:
shallichangemyname · 20/03/2018 20:06

Things will eventually escalate into violence. My ex is now on bail while all his violence and abuse against me is under investigation.

somepplmakemewant · 20/03/2018 20:09

Run like the wind! Things will only get worse and you'll be constantly second guessing yourself!

namechange1993 · 20/03/2018 20:11

I'll be 25 this year if that's relevant. Don't live together, no ties. When he's loving he's very loving but I can't handle his mood swings at the slightest thing. He once spent a day bombarding me with texts saying how selfish I am and how I'm takin the piss. I can't understand because I did seemingly normal things. I have never cheated on anyone ever and no intention of doing so.

He'll probably question me of my whereabouts now even though I'm at my sisters drinking gin. I told him I'm going to visit her and he was cool with it but I do think there'll be repercussions when I get back tomorrow

OP posts:
Ryder63 · 20/03/2018 20:14

Please, please OP - bin him. There is no rationalising the irrational. This will escalate as we've said. It's no life to live. No excuses for his behaviour except the desire to bully, beat you down, isolate and own you. This isn't done out of love, is it?

Toomanyweeds · 20/03/2018 20:14

I'm sure you know this but just to be sure - nothing his ex wife has done justifies his behaviour.

Trust your sister.

GrandTheftWalrus · 20/03/2018 20:14

Run and don't look back.

Ryder63 · 20/03/2018 20:16

WTF? Repercussions? You see - NOT NORMAL.

Fairenuff · 20/03/2018 20:17

his ex wife cheated on him and left him for someone else which explains his behaviour to some degree

Do you know that for a fact? Or is that just what he's told you?

In any case, his behaviour is abusive. Leave him.

Ryder63 · 20/03/2018 20:19

30 odd messages, saying the same thing - as well as your sister.....

halfwitpicker · 20/03/2018 20:19

As everyone else says

namechange1993 · 20/03/2018 20:20

I believe him that she cheated because there were some weird circumstances in which it happened that you wouldn't just make up.

Weirdly when he was explaining his divorce she divorced him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. He showed me the paperwork

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 20/03/2018 20:23

I believe him that she cheated because there were some weird circumstances in which it happened that you wouldn't just make up.

Again, do you know this for a fact or is this just something that he has told you?

Weirdly when he was explaining his divorce she divorced him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. He showed me the paperwork

That's not weird. She divorced him because his behaviour was unreasonable.

That's a fact.

SavageBeauty73 · 20/03/2018 20:23

Dump him. It'll only get worse

username7979 · 20/03/2018 20:24

controlling & possessive. LTB

namechange1993 · 20/03/2018 20:25

Well I only have his word for it that she cheated but I believe it to be true. He told me about it early on so I had no reason to think it a lie Confused

OP posts:
fizzthecat1 · 20/03/2018 20:26

OP no offence but you seem very naive to be putting up with this at 25 Confused I can't believe people are having to persuade you from not going out with him, he's awful! How can you be attracted to someone like this?!

AthenasOwl · 20/03/2018 20:26

Omg end it now. He's controlling, possessive and abusive and things like that don't get better, they escalate.
The name calling is utterly disgraceful btw.
My ex used to do the same and I really hate any kind of name calling in a relationship..that's what would completely end it for me.
You don't call someone you love 'a fucking slut'.

jeepsinbeepsfoxonbox · 20/03/2018 20:27

Get out. Right now.

He's being controlling and possessive. Tbh I'd also be questioning whether his ex wife cheated on him, especially given the divorce papers - did he explain what the unreasonable behaviour of his was btw? (I can hazard a guess) - however, even if she did cheat that is still no excuse for him to treat you the way he has.

Honestly the longer you are together the worse it will get. Trust me on this please. Thank your lucky stars he has shown you his true colours now and run like the wind.

Fairenuff · 20/03/2018 20:27

You need to get smart really quickly OP.

When you have ended this relationship, he will be telling the next person that you cheated on him.

He has lied to you. He is trying to control you.

homtardy · 20/03/2018 20:28

Just to add to the many posts telling you to RUN, OP! Run like the fecking wind!!

AthenasOwl · 20/03/2018 20:29

Oh and the unreasonable behaviour mentioned in his divorce was no doubt him accusing her of cheating and 'taking the piss'.

Devilishpyjamas · 20/03/2018 20:29

Bin - if he’s this controlling now he will get a lot worse

MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/03/2018 20:29

Dump this man now, while you are with your sister. You'll have support while he goes crazy.

Devilishpyjamas · 20/03/2018 20:29

You’re heading into an abusive relationship. Get out while you can.

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