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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Odd behaviour from my partner

178 replies

namechange1993 · 20/03/2018 19:26

Hello,

This is my first post on here. It's a quite a long one about my partners behaviour. I don't think it's right but need some advice.

I started seeing a guy last year who is 11 years older than me. He had been single for 3 years prior to meeting me but married for ten to his ex wife who he is now divorced from.

We started taking things slowly last year and were still very much in dating stages of a relationship. I work in a shop (a chandlery) and have worked there for a few years now which is how we met. As I pretty much work on a marina/boat yard I know many of the regulars who come in and have become friends with some over the years.

One guy, who I regard as a friend who comes in invited me to a bbq last year in the boat yard itself. Not just me, there was a few people there from the marina and a good mix of ages - say mid twenties up to people in their 60s. Pretty much all of them I know from my job. I thought it was a good idea and happily went along after work. We had the bbq then were there for ages listening to music and chatting random stuff, just socialising.
I get a text from my partner (we were only just at dating stage at this point) asking how I was. I told him 'fine, just in the boat having a bbq with x, y and z plus some others'. Then I get a text back straight away saying 'are you taking the piss out of me?'. At this point I didn't have a clue what he was talking about so I called him and he kicked off because apparently the guy who asked me to go fancies me Hmm this is according to my partner anyway. I spent all of the following day apologising to my partner for going and was made to feel like shit for it! I should have left then but stupidly I stayed with him. He behaviour left me gobsmacked.

He works weekends and I was invited to a wedding. I put the offer there to him if he wanted to come but I knew he had to work. He was ok with me going by myself as was I. It was a long time friends getting married who I hadn't seen since I was about 18. I went and there were friends there I hadn't see for a long time. One of the guys in the group got drunk at the reception and he was talking to me. At one point in the night he came up behind me and put his hands around my waist as we were dancing but he only did it to tickle me, not to be a perv or anything. I laughed when he did it and another friend managed to take a picture of the precise moment. It was a really good night. I got home and spoke to my partner about it the next day, told him how it was. He seemed fine. Eventually pictures of the wedding reception ended up on FB and my partner saw them. He saw the one of my friend tickling me and me laughing and he went mad! He didn't even ask me what happened so I could explain it was all in jest. He came out with 'who the fuck is that dickhead, I'd knock him out' straight off the bat. I explained who he was and what was happening but he kept saying 'I couldn't give a fuck, he's a prick!'. He gets so angry easily, there's no inbetween.

Another thing, an old friend (different one) messaged me on fb to see if I wanted to catch up as he was working in my town. He was going out with his work mates (male and female) and invited me to tag along. He has a fiancée. Anyway I agreed and invited my partner to come too. Again he was working so couldn't come and he didn't have a problem with me going. I met up with my friend and some of his colleagues for drinks. Most of them went home after a while so in the end there was four of us: me, my friend, one male colleague, one female colleague. I was driving so drank cokes all night. We decided to get something to eat at an Italian. Afterwards we went to a bar. Just after 10pm I decided to call it a night and go home.

I got home, partner was at work still so I sent a courtesy text to let him know I was back. He said 'ok, have you just got back now?', I said 'yeah we went for a meal and then a bar'. He replied with 'are you taking the piss out of me??' (Again!!). I said 'no', he followed it up with a bombardment of texts about how I was a 'slag' and a 'fucking slut' etc and that I should have gone for a drink and come home right away. I explained friend is engaged, I spent my evening talking to his female friend but none of this mattered.

The thing that bothers me most is how angry he gets. There's almost like a 'coldness' behind his eyes when he flips. I can't explain it well. There's other things he's done too but I've probably gone on enough now. We end up rowing all the time but I always end up saying sorry and even then he doesn't accept my apologies and he gives me the silent treatment long after he's raged. He's given me the silent treatment for two days before now.

I've come to my sisters for a couple of days and have told her what's been happening. She's shocked as she never knew. She thinks I should leave him as he'll only get worse.

I haven't had many relationships before so I'd like any advice. Is this normal?

Sorry is so long and thanks

OP posts:
namechange1993 · 20/03/2018 21:27

If I sent him a letter stating I thought he had issues he would get seriously fucked off and although I don't think he would hurt me, he does scare me when he's angry. It's like his whole body/energy/focus whatever is channelled into anger and you can't get him out of it. His eyes scare me when he's angry. I really can't explain it but they change. A letter/email would only serve to rile him and I've tried to help him. I don't feel I can do anymore with him.

OP posts:
Alicatz66 · 20/03/2018 21:28

Yep ... into the bin he goes

3luckystars · 20/03/2018 21:28

Once the whole story is out now, you will get support. It’s easy to get in to a situation like this, but it’s also easy to get out of it.
Get away from him, do not be drawn back in, no matter what he says or does. He is a wolf in sheeps clothing.

Ask your family for help and get away from him for good. Best wishes to you x

Heismyopendoor · 20/03/2018 21:29

No this isn’t normal at all. It sounds like he could easily become violent if he loses his temper like that. Please leave him for good, you deserve so much better.

Cupoteap · 20/03/2018 21:34

Do not believe him about his ex, he's called you a slag and a slut and being wrong for going out with male friends - how do you think he will talk about you?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 20/03/2018 21:35

It's very important that you get away from this man, he is definitely a loose cannon. Please do not take time to consider this, just get out now, whilst you still can.

namechange1993 · 20/03/2018 21:36

I will do sugar pie. My sis said she won't let me go back to him. I don't want to anyway after the talking to she's given me.

OP posts:
namechange1993 · 20/03/2018 21:38

I would really creeped out if he lied about his ex cheating. He told me early on without really needing to so it seems a strange thing to lie about and would be very sinister indeed.

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 20/03/2018 21:41

You're very wise, heed her words., are you with her now ?
Don't go back alone, take some friends along with you, to collect your things, or send someone round to get them.
I have a very bad feeling about this guy.
Above all, stay safe, and tell everyone at work, and your friends, exactly what he is like, that way, you will be safer.

MarklahMarklah · 20/03/2018 21:43

Everyone has said it already, but this is not normal at all, and it's not acceptable. Your sister has him sussed, but not everyone sees through the 'Mr Nice Guy' image immediately. I wouldn't be surprised at all if he'd lied about his ex-wife and the reasons why their relationship broke up, but ultimately, it doesn't matter because you're getting out whilst the going's good.

I can completely see why you want to let him down gently.

Incidentally, my DH of many many years has been away with work for the past week. He's spent hours in the company of a woman he knows through work and has gone to dinner with another female acquaintance. I have no issues with this - one was work related and one was a social event. Similarly, I recently spent the day with a male friend of mine, helping him get his flat organised. Same friend is coming over tomorrow to hang out for a while.
At no point have DH or I ever insulted the other or berated them for having friends of the opposite sex.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 20/03/2018 21:43

Don't believe a word he says.

namechange1993 · 20/03/2018 21:43

Yeah I'm stopping overnight at hers. He and I don't live together thankfully so he'll be at his place probably. He can't get into my house at all. I don't think he would try anyway. I have absolutely no ties to him. Good thing too.

OP posts:
namechange1993 · 20/03/2018 21:46

That all sounds very normal to me Marklah. If I had a male friend round I would get loads of abuse without a doubt.

OP posts:
whirlygirly · 20/03/2018 21:47

Oh god, I've had the sinking stomach feeling just reading this.

I think you need to prepare for him to be difficult. I'd tell a few trusted friends and colleagues what's happening so they know to respond with help if you give a certain code.

Don't hesitate to log anything with the police if you need to.

Your sister sounds fab. I'd keep it all light, as amicable as possible but you're doing the right thing in getting the hell away from him.

namechange1993 · 20/03/2018 21:48

Anyway I'm off to enjoy some more gin and try not to think about this til tomorrow. A girly night with my sister is just what I need right now. Thanks all.

OP posts:
Goodasgoldilox · 20/03/2018 21:53

You have many very good reasons for leaving. It is good to know that your sister is such a great support.

You can tell him that you are not ready for the sort of relationship that he wants. (You aren't - and never will be!)

Don't be swayed no matter how angry/silent/abusive he becomes.

Whatever he says or gives you or however often he declares that he loves you- remember that he doesn't trust you at all. (There is a difference between desire for a person and desire to control a person!)

If he tells others that you cheated on him - you'll know what to think about his tales from his previous marriage.

Ryder63 · 20/03/2018 21:53

Very very glad you've seen the light OP. Be safe, as other pps have said - let everyone know what he's been like to you, and build a safety net of friends round you. Controlling men don't like it when their prey escapes their clutches.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 20/03/2018 22:12

Hi op - just popping in to say you sound lovely and clearly have lots of friends of both sexes who actively want to spend time with you. It's not you it's him - him 100%. He is batshit!
You will meet someone great I'm sure but keep an eye out for the red flags x

Footle · 20/03/2018 22:22

I think it's entirely normal behaviour which you'll often read about on MN. Normal for dangerous and irrational men who progress from intimidation to violence in a short space of time.

trojanpony · 20/03/2018 22:27

Delighted you are dumping this arsehole and that your sister is so supportive.

Regarding his ex-wife “cheating”
Given he seems obsessed you will cheat let’s imagine the following scenario..

He acts like an abusive insecure nutter constantly accusing her of stuff she hasn’t done.
She can’t take it anymore and leaves and files for divorce for unreasonable behaviour...
He then takes her “leaving him” as conclusive proof she was shagging about the whoooole time despite her insisting there was no one else.
And his tale is now “woe is me my cheating wife left me”... rather than “I’m an abusive arsehole and my wife couldn’t stand it any longer ”

Remember, No one thinks they are the villain in their own story...

FrancisUnderwood · 20/03/2018 22:38

Run fast and run far.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/03/2018 06:51

Did you send the text OP ?
If you did, block him everywhere.
Remember to tell everyone, don't accept calls or visits at work, don't take a lift in his car, you get the picture. I imagine he'll be around.
Do call the Police if he does hang about or hassle you, without hesitation. Stay aware of your surroundings. Don't allow yourself to minimise this situation.
Be 100% positive, that if you do go back, he will wipe the floor with you, and more.
You sound so lovely and bubbly, and loved by all, keep it that way. Hope you both enjoyed the Gin ! 😄🌸

FluffyWhiteTowels · 21/03/2018 07:17

Thank goodness you opened up to your sister and she is right there with you and you have been able to truly listen and see the danger.

You sound a very thoughtful, kind and engaging person. Enjoy life and have the fun you deserve

Fairenuff · 21/03/2018 07:42

I would really creeped out if he lied about his ex cheating. He told me early on without really needing to so it seems a strange thing to lie about and would be very sinister indeed.

The reasons he would have lied would have been because
(a) if he told you the truth you might have run a mile
(b) it makes him look like the victim if he says his wife cheated on him (c) it makes you think he has a right to question everything you do
(d) it makes you think you have to some how 'prove' to him how loyal you are
(e) he doesn't have to explain what his unreasonable behaviour was
(f) he only cares about himself and getting what he wants

This is classic abusive behaviour.

namechange1993 · 21/03/2018 09:58

Hello. I've got a bit of a hangover today haha. I've decided I'm going to stay at my sisters tonight as well as I've booked a few days off work. I have to work over the Easter period so I'm taking some leave now.

I've not text him yet but will do later today when my headache subsides Grin At leafy if he gives me an earful in texts etc I'll be with my sis.

WRT his unreasonable behaviour in the divorce, I asked him what that was for and he said his ex had nothing tangible and concrete to say so she claimed he spent too much time on his boat instead of with her. Does that sound plausible?

But he's adamant she cheated as she went to Spain to do some work (she was an extra in adverts apparently) and she met someone else whilst filming an advert.

Either way I want off this crazy train but I've still got a bit of room spin which isn't helping my thoughts at the mo

OP posts:
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