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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend's female friends of facebook... would you contact them?

135 replies

catbasilio · 20/03/2018 16:28

Would you contact a boyfriend's female 'friend' on facebook if the number of increased likes between them would start to bother you?
I do have some worries that my boyfriend might be a bit of a player, but have no hard evidence. It is not really a friend - it is an ex of his male friend, he said she befriended him (I somehow think it might be opposite) few months ago, to my knowledge they have never met, but she started instantly liking his posts and he likes hers (see that from few public posts).

I just want to ask, if there is something, as his girlfriend, I need to know, as I might be worrying over nothing.

There is a lot of dignity to swallow.
I had contacted one of his FB "friends" in the past and he appeared to be seeking slightly inappropriate flirt although it was early days in our relationship. Some other female friends, including one of his ex, seem ok and nothing to worry about it.

OP posts:
LucreziaBoredYa · 20/03/2018 18:44

No.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 20/03/2018 18:45

It's not about insecurity it's about the partner having respect for you.

Also if you have children , married then there's a lot to be said for knowing about a situation before the spouse/ partner tells you!

BerylStreep · 20/03/2018 18:47

I don't necessarily think the OP is wrong to have trust issues in this case given the previous history. But OP, you can't force someone to be trustworthy. The saying goes that you can't change other people, only how you respond to them. Are you going to put up with this, with all the attendant insecurity & suspicion?

On looking at previous threads (and apologies - it's only to demonstrate to you what this relationship looks like from the outside) this man seems to be very hard work for a relatively short period of time.

  1. He has cheated on you previously
  2. He messages random women on FB
  3. He lied to you about the nature of how that previous FB contact came about
  4. There may be some evidence now that he is trying to cultivate an emotional affair - it's not entirely clear, but in the context of other behaviour it might be.
  5. You don't trust him not to have an emotional affair / full blown affair
  6. You think that if you speak to him about it, he will lie to you and twist your words
  7. He moved a woman into his house without discussing it with you beforehand (although discussed it with his Mum / friends)
  8. Appears to have psychotic episodes where he believes his ex is part of a dark cult
  9. Spends a lot of time on overseas psychic chat lines

I really think you are going to drive yourself nuts trying to discern what his intentions are on FB, when the real issue is that you don't trust him, possibly justifiably so.

Pseudousername · 20/03/2018 18:47

I thank Christ the Lord that Facebook et al didn't exist when I was a teenager.

This is so much drama OP; you obviously don't trust him so it's not going to work out sorry.

Cut your losses.

MaggieTheCat1 · 20/03/2018 18:55

You shouldn't have to trawl social media to know if your partner respects you or might be cheating/about to cheat on you.

It really, really isn't the job of women to Police mens behaviour. It's not our job to keep an eye on them or watch out for signs they might be straying. If they cross boundaries, they know they are. From the first 'flirty' text to the next boundary they cross and the next.

They're grown ups and should take responsibility for their behaviour rather than women wasting time, energy and worry looking for 'signs' their DP might be gearing up to fuck around.

ontheshelf · 20/03/2018 19:09

I’m a serial liker on instagram - I’d hate to think everyone who’s pictures I like think I want a bit!

Original poster
catbasilio · 20/03/2018 19:18

Beryl.. 1,4,5 incorrect. He hasn’t cheated or been with another woman that I know of. But I think he flirts with women to feed his ego - not in front of me, so I don’t know the extent and how far he would go.

OP posts:
Greenyogagirl · 20/03/2018 19:20

Surely it’s better to get out rather than live being so paranoid?

pigeondujour · 20/03/2018 19:21

The problem was she was porn-star look alike and posted very ambiguous stuff

Another one whose man isn't at fault for being a cheating rat, but the other woman is for being too good looking.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 20/03/2018 19:27

You have one of two problems, here. Either

  1. You don't trust your boyfriend; or
  2. Your boyfriend is untrustworthy

A random woman on Facebook does not hold the answer to either of those. Messaging her isn't the solution. After all; if it's not her, it could be someone else. She might not tell the truth, etc.

The answer to 1) is, sadly, to work on yourself and with him to rebuild trust, depending on why it's damaged. It's also to be very careful not to do anything crazy; though, because reading his messages or "guarding" him against other women will feed the problem.

The answer to 2) is to break up with him or to accept that he's a player but you don't mind enough to leave. Either way is your decision; but either way you have to be able to accept it.

At the moment, you seem convinced he's a player but unwilling to either accept that or leave him. That way unhappiness and frustration lies.

Original poster
catbasilio · 20/03/2018 19:50

Anchor if I am convinced he is 1) , for example after contacting the girl and her saying there is nothing to worry about (I won’t contact her but just saying) I would be willing fake it until I make it in terms of trusting him.
As it’s just a feeling now I do feel paranoid and unwilling to break up thinking perhaps it’s all in my head.
We all make mistakes and if it is not a pattern I would be willing to overlook.

OP posts:
category12 · 20/03/2018 20:06

Living like this is turning you into a crazy person. You'd be better cutting your losses.

Josuk · 20/03/2018 20:12

OP - do you really think that if this one confirms that there is nothing to worry about that you’ll be able to trust him?

You sound like a very insecure 19yo. So - once this suspicion gets put to bed, you will eventually (and soon) start looking for other reasons to suspect him AND again will seek reassurance.

Really - you are jealous of FB likes???
What about when a hot and barely dressed 20yo walks by him on a street - do you check if he is looking?
How about colleagues - any of them attractive??? Does he smile and say hello (flirt) with them?

You can not live in a state of constant alertness and need constant reassurances. You’ll make yourself unhappy when lose any sense of self worth.

These days technology is such that anything and everything can be hideen. So - you’ll never be able to keep tabs on him, unless you lock him up in the house.

Or, maybe, a better way is to figure out what makes you this insecure in a relationship. And if this is an issue specific to him, or what happens with all.

LucreziaBoredYa · 20/03/2018 20:32

Same ontheshelf (!)

ontheshelf · 20/03/2018 20:37

Lucrezia oops!

LucreziaBoredYa · 20/03/2018 20:39

Eh? Just meant I feel the same Grin.

PrizeOik · 20/03/2018 20:45

Sounds like you're dedicated to making yourself miserable then OP. Good luck to you.

Just to reiterate, you do have the choice to not continue with a man who, by your own admission:

  1. He messages random women on FB
  2. He lied to you about the nature of how that previous FB contact came about
  3. You think that if you speak to him about it, he will lie to you and twist your words
  4. He moved a woman into his house without discussing it with you beforehand (although discussed it with his Mum / friends)
  5. Appears to have psychotic episodes where he believes his ex is part of a dark cult
  6. Spends a lot of time on overseas psychic chat lines

Such a catch!

ontheshelf · 20/03/2018 20:51

Yeah I meant oops as in maybe people get the wrong impression from the serial liking! 😆

somuchsnow · 20/03/2018 20:53

How long have you been together?

LucreziaBoredYa · 20/03/2018 20:56

Aha sorry I see - sleep deprived here.

Chippyway · 21/03/2018 00:39

Good lord you cannot be serious?! Shock

MistressDeeCee · 21/03/2018 03:37

He moved a woman into his house without discussing it with you beforehand (although discussed it with his Mum / friends)

This is so familiar, I remember this on another thread. If you are the same poster OP - that thread stuck in my mind as so many were saying you should butt out, you were jealous of him helping out a friend, he was being kind to her etc

You shouldn't have listened - you should have left him back then. As you see now you'd have been better off having the courage of your own convictions. Its not about anyone else labelling you as jealous and insecure, so what. Im pretty sure even those berating you wouldnt be laid back about their man living with a woman - but it's not happening to them so it's easy for them to sat. & even if they'd be cool with it - you don't have to be

He needs female praise and admiration like he needs food. He'll play Mr Nice, knight in shining armour etc as he's absorbed in the need for female adulation. & now you've reached the point where you're considering warning women off.

You are allowing 1 man in your 1 life to drive you crazy. He won't change and you're storing up a miserable life for yourself. Often men like this dont leave, as the partner as a miserable bitpart player having to watch him garnering interest from other women, is part of the game.

But the time will come when due to him actively courting female attention - and having access to loads of women via FB - he will become drawn to one properly. & then he'll slowly extricate himself from you.

Instead of sitting there consumed with thoughts about a man who isn't even worth consideration as a life partner, you'd be better off going to (solo) counselling and explore issues around your self-esteem, and what you want from a relationship. When you love a man, especially a man such as this, more than you love yourself - then it's time to get help

Original poster
catbasilio · 21/03/2018 06:30

Thank you. Oh about the woman who moved in.. there is a quite a story to that. I met her in the end. She was nuts (not sure why they are ‘friends’) but there was nothing sinister going on as far as I could tell. She had been planning to stay at his for quite a while but then unexpectedly moved out. Later on pestered my bf for money to set up somewhere else. At that point I became terrified that if he doesn’t give her the money (he didn’t have any) she will be back, so I lent her the money. She hasn’t repayed back but he did later when he could and she still ows him. She also asked to be my fb friend Hmm I don’t see her as a threat anymore but the way he went about moving her in , a bit sneakily, I didn’t like.

We been together for 1.5 years. Yes he seems to feed on attention. I thought ‘you can look and admire but don’t touch’ situation would be acceptable to me. But I am not sure about anything anymore. Whether it’s me, or him, I don’t know.

OP posts:
Snog · 21/03/2018 06:40

Move on from this relationship already as there is no trust

Trailedanderror · 21/03/2018 06:42

@fizzygreenwater
He is the holey boot. Buy new boots.
🙌🏻😂

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