partners nastiness worse during pregnancy can i turn this around or is there no hope?

[wishinonastar17]

Was hoping for a bit of insight or advice really....
Been with partner a few years
No children together as yet
Lost a baby a few months back so we were both over the moon when i fell pregnant again so quickly but since then things have been awful
Im currently 20 weeks pregnant and he flips out over the tiniest things and goes mental at me saying the vilest things he can think of... this is pretty much on a daily basis now....
Constantly telling me hes going to leave me and he can see why my ex had an affair
Im forever trying not to say the wrong thing and barely say anything at all atm but then if im quiet he screams at me for being miserable and he cant stand to look at my whiny face
I have no idea why its got so bad i really thought he would be protective now im pregnant again as we lost the last baby but he doesnt seem to care at all about the stress hes putting me through and if i get upset and ask him to stop he just says im a drama queen or pathetic.....
Is there a right way to act in all this i desperatley want him to just be calm he does have other stress but i just seem to be the emotional punchbag
Has anybody been in this position when pregnant with it gradually getting worse?
How do you/ can you turn it around?
I dont want to split up but i dont know how much more i can take and im worried for this baby with the amount of stress im under not sleeping/eating etc
Any ideas would be really helpful .....

Stop trying to turn it around. Do you REALLY want to bring a baby into the house as it currently is? If you think you're vulnerable now, both you and your baby will be FAR more vulnerable later.

This is, statistically, the time when abusers start getting nasty, and it gets worse when the baby is born.

Please, please, please leave.

Sorry I don't have any ideas for improving the situation that don't involve packing your bags - before the baby arrives. Whatever is going on with him, this is seriously unacceptable behaviour. Any other stress he may be under is just no excuse at all - but you know this.

You can't turn it around - only he can do that. In the meantime, you need to keep yourself safe (emotionally and mentally if not physically).

Can you move in with family? You really don't want to bring a baby into this kind of situation.

Patterns of abuse very often escalate or start during pregnancy. Leave before things get worse. You do not deserve to be treated like this, and this is likely to be the beginnings of something much more sinister (if this isnt bad enough!).

I dont have any family no ....
Im thinking of talking to him later and saying im at the point of ending it ( ive never said this before ) he says it daily!
I know hes desperate for this baby not to come from a broken home like his other child so maybe it will shock him into calming the nastiness?
Or am i just kidding myself?

Be very careful. Based on your description, I wouldn't be surprised if he reacts with violence. Honestly, I don't think you can turn this around.

I'm afraid you're kidding yourself. This will only escalate.
The right way to act is to leave this sorry specimen.

You’re kidding yourself. Dicks always ramp it up during pregnancy and it’ll just get worse.

You would be better to get out while you’re still pregnant as you’ll feel trapped when the baby is here and you’re vulnerable.

What happened with the mother of his other child? Might you have an opportunity to speak to her about how she was treated?

Yes, I'm afraid so. In fact if you plan to leave (and you should) you should say nothing until you do so to stay safe.

i agree with previous posters the only way to turn it around is to pack a bag and get out and away from him asap if he's like this now god knows what he will be like when baby is born

If someone is going to be nasty now is the time. The power balance has shifted and he can’t help himself. If you are not married then I would vote with your feet and leave him out of all baby stuff. There was another poster on here trying to get out of a nasty situation with a small baby which is super hard. I’m sorry you are having to deal with this and it is only natural to hope he will improve but sadly I can only see him getting a lot worse.

You can’t tell someone like this you’re thinking of leaving them. He’d literally have nothing left to lose and would go to town on you.

You can’t turn this around lovely, there’s honestly no way. You need to make plans to leave in secret.
Listen to the wise advice you’ll get here.
Do you have any friends you could ask for help?

you are doing nothing wrong - it's not up to you to turn around. He needs to acknowledge behaving like a completely vile asshole and get some help to change of his own accord

If HE isn't going to do that then it's no ones fault but his own when you leave

When someone shows you who they are really are - believe them. How can you love a man that is treating you like this? It won't "get better", it will only get worse and to think of a baby being called names and yelled at is unthinkable. Sort out plans to leave but don't tell him. Can you talk to your midwife?

Please don’t say anything, it’s not safe.

Get your ducks in a row fast, then run

I have been here OP

Some men do get worse when you are more vulnerable which is obviously totally vile.

I bet he says the most ridiculous, random things that would be funny if they weren't so damn frightening. I commented on a post earlier that I will copy and paste.

No matter what you do (take it from me who's moved houses, stopped doing this that and the other, had a baby, gave up pets) to please him the box he has put you in will get ever smaller and smaller.

He will not change when the baby comes - mine did for 2 weeks then back to it - only it's unbearable when he takes or threatens the child too.

I wish I hadn't stuck around (hoping our baby would 'be enough') she isn't and that in itself appalls me beyond belief because she's bloody perfection!!

I will find my post now as a lot applies.

He sounds like the father of my DD.

Firstly, well done for leaving him, that step alone is massive and frightening.

Secondly, control yourself when it comes to arguments. Just don't argue back. I'm not 100% accurate here but it goes something like this - there are 3 (TA) states of conversation and mood -
Parent - dominant, leader, disciplinarian (often ego lead and can go into excess and be threatening)
Adult - even scale, reasoning, fair, not swayed but others' inability to stay in control
Child - accepts dictatorship, scared, blind acceptance
Please try to stay in 'adult' state no matter what he does or says. You cannot control him, only yourself.
Make a detailed case against him by writing down everything abusive he has done and what his 'justifications' were.
Record or film him when safe to do so. I use a hidden iPad to film and have the voice recording on my phone set.
When an occurrence happens, write it down somewhere safe.
Involve the police - call the non emergency number or look online for the local email and explain the situation so they know you're at risk and if you do need them in an emergency they will be aware of the issue, they will put a 'storm' on your address so they attend quicker. I have this.

Contact women's aid who will put you in touch with free help nearby, they will help you in ways you won't know are possible.

You can alter his access so he's not alone with the child. If he's on the birth certificate this would maybe need to go to court, this is why you need to build up a case. Don't give him any ammunition against you - stay smart and don't antagonise him or provoke him.

Lastly if he's like my DD's Dad he will be wholly unreasonable. So keep in mind YOU CANNOT REASON WITH HIM. He talks no sense when he's in a rage, NOTHING you do will make him be safe enough all the time. He will have good times when you think the 'Beauty and the Beast' effect (kindness will out) has finally happened. It hasn't, he's just having good times. He's still who he is. You can move, not go out, not wear this, have a baby and he will be better for a while. He has you in a box with sides that close in, the space you have gets less and less.

Like my DD dad he also has children elsewhere- you'd think they'd learn. They don't. I'm so sorry. If you're in the UK you will better off financially without him once the child comes I bet (unless he's good with sharing his money - which I doubt!!)

He probably targeted you as well because you have no family. There is no trying to turn this around and no calming his nastiness here; this is who he really is and abuse often ramps up during pregnancy and birth onwards. His actions are about power and control.

Womens Aid can and will help you here also with regards to leaving safely. 0808 2000 247 is their number

Hi OP, another one to support the pp. I have been where you are except I stayed. Big mistake. He tried to destroy everything I hold dear when I gathered the strength to leave. 8yrs on, I am still harassed, stalked & abused by him via the courts - he uses the children. Get out whilst you can. Women's Aid will give good advice on leaving safely. Don't speak to him about ending it as you may just fan the flames. Stay safe & stay well for yourself and your baby.

Thank you for your replies i guess i know deep down this will not get better im just so low atm i dont know if i have the strength to go through all the shit breaking up will cause
I mentioned telling him im thinking of leaving as i hoped it might shock him as never in years have i ever said this infact the opposite im normally the one begging him not to when he threatens it....pathetic i know!
I cant make plans to leave in secret its my house he lives in i am financially stable that i dont need him infact id save a fortune as he contributes to nothing but it doesnt make doing it any easier when im carrying his baby and very low
I cant speak to his ex she hates me im not sure why as we have never met or even spoken but she sends him messages all the time about how ugly i am as she looked me up on facebook and ill never be her....she is the catalyst for most of our arguments

He's probably told her all kinds of shit about you and may be keeping her on the back burner.

As it's your house and you don't appear to be married the plan will be different. Contact women's aid and call 101 to register that you are currently pregnant and trying to end a relationship with an abusive man.

Sorry i havent replied yet as hes been with me all the time....he was fine yesterday but really angry again since the min he woke up today im trying to get some space and said i will walk to the shop as i need a few things but theres snow on the ground and he wont let me he will take me in the car in 5 hours apparently.... why 5 hours i have no idea apart from just to get at me coz i need some stuff feel like a prisoner in my own home....
Sorry for ranting just needed to get it off my chest i guess
Thank you for all your replies

He won't let you? What happens if you simply walk out the door?

Yes what will happen if you just get ready and walk out the door?