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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

partners nastiness worse during pregnancy can i turn this around or is there no hope?

108 replies

wishinonastar17 · 16/03/2018 16:49

Was hoping for a bit of insight or advice really....
Been with partner a few years
No children together as yet
Lost a baby a few months back so we were both over the moon when i fell pregnant again so quickly but since then things have been awful
Im currently 20 weeks pregnant and he flips out over the tiniest things and goes mental at me saying the vilest things he can think of... this is pretty much on a daily basis now....
Constantly telling me hes going to leave me and he can see why my ex had an affair
Im forever trying not to say the wrong thing and barely say anything at all atm but then if im quiet he screams at me for being miserable and he cant stand to look at my whiny face
I have no idea why its got so bad i really thought he would be protective now im pregnant again as we lost the last baby but he doesnt seem to care at all about the stress hes putting me through and if i get upset and ask him to stop he just says im a drama queen or pathetic.....
Is there a right way to act in all this i desperatley want him to just be calm he does have other stress but i just seem to be the emotional punchbag
Has anybody been in this position when pregnant with it gradually getting worse?
How do you/ can you turn it around?
I dont want to split up but i dont know how much more i can take and im worried for this baby with the amount of stress im under not sleeping/eating etc
Any ideas would be really helpful .....

OP posts:
AaronPurrSir · 20/03/2018 15:51

Please tell your midwife everything you have told us on here. The abuse, kicking him out and how you are feeling. she will support you.

Original poster
wishinonastar17 · 20/03/2018 16:23

Ok ill try .... just got home in tears its going to be a very long night ill keep coming on here if thats ok as have no one to talk to in real life

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 20/03/2018 16:26

Of course... keep coming on here to talk Flowers

ohamIreally · 20/03/2018 16:48

Sending you support - you're doing great and your baby will be proud of you.

Ariesgirl1988 · 20/03/2018 17:01

Of course keep coming on here if you need to talk/vent. Well done on telling midwife now all you need to do is pack his stuff and throw it out the door.

ClangerTwanger · 20/03/2018 17:19

Just wanted to wish you well and hope you find the strength for yourself and you baby to keep him out of your home and life for good. My ex partner was abusing me like this throughout pregnancy and it only got worse and turned physical. These sort of men don’t care about how they make a pregnant woman feel and they don’t deserve a shred of sympathy. Keep him away! We are all here for you 24/7. Well done for taking back some control. You have ALL the control. Your home. Your money. Your life. Your baby in your womb. Fuck that waste of air. You need peace and calm at this time. Xxx

makingmiracles · 20/03/2018 17:35

Just echoing what others have said, it’s hard but stay strong, it will get easier. Can you change your phone number or get a new mobile so he and the ex can’t contact you? Block on social media too?
Don’t put him on the birth certificate when the baby is born, he will then have automatic parental rights and access rights, leave father as unknown.

Original poster
wishinonastar17 · 20/03/2018 17:39

Thank you you dont know how much being able to come on here and talk is getting me through this
I feel so weak wish i had someone to talk to in real life other than the midwife! X

OP posts:
Notamorningperson84 · 20/03/2018 17:50

I know you've said he doesn't have a key, but are 100% sure he hasn't taken yours to make a copy at any point? It might be worth getting the locks changed just in case.

Qvar · 20/03/2018 17:50

There is never any hope with an abuser, and this is what he is

wellhonestly · 20/03/2018 18:08

Hi OP just came on to tell you how much I admire you, stay strong for your baby and of course for yourself. Flowers xxx

Original poster
wishinonastar17 · 20/03/2018 18:16

Thank you i dont admire me at all i feel an absolute mess tonight and so weak all i want is things to be ok but they never will be and that atm is too much to handle :(

OP posts:
Qvar · 20/03/2018 18:22

Things will be ok, I promise. Not with him, he'll probably be a piece of shit til the day he dies, but YOU will be ok

FizzyGreenWater · 20/03/2018 18:23

Hey wishin

You poor thing. I'm sorry it's turned out like this.

But, better a thousand times that you split now, before you get any further through the pregnancy and especially before you give birth. Well done for taking this step - you've basically given yourself about a 1000x times better chance of actually enjoying and cherishing those early days and months with your lovely baby - instead of living in fear, sad and depressed, afraid of (by then) possibly even physical violence.

You're 20 weeks - you've got a while to go to sort everything out before the newborn days and before you get further into the pregnancy, which is great.

Keep him away. When he realises it's you making the decision to get rid he will change his tune - he'll beg, he'll promise the world, then he'll threaten. IT IS TEXTBOOK.

Don't believe the apologies - they are designed to win you around. Then it would be back to nasty nusiness as usual.

Don't believe the promises to change - as above.

Don't listen to the threats. Get someone to be with you if he threatens to turn up?

He is an abuser, as others have said. He won't change. And yes, while it's good for your baby to have a father in its life, no father, or a father at arm's length, is better than a violent abusive father.

You will be fine. Thank goodness you are financially secure. How is your support network - family, friends? Close? Good?

Mix56 · 20/03/2018 18:23

wish, I'm afraid it is like ripping off the plaster, you get used to it being on. However, it will get better, it really will.
Once you have dropped the guilt. The thing is, you cannot reason someone unreasonable, there is only so much asking, explaining & trying you can do.
You want him to be the person you first met, the person you decided to have a baby with.
But, the very brilliant thing, is you have seen through him now, you have seen this IS wrong, you are doing exactly the right thing to protect your child. This is not wrong (as he will endeavour to convince you)
Believe in yourself, there is one phrase you often see here:
What would you say to your daughter if she was living this situation ?
It hursts, but every day, it will hurt a little less. KOKO

isitfridayyet1 · 20/03/2018 18:25

Hi op just sending positivity your way as you're in such a difficult situation at the moment. If you don't have any friends you can talk to, could your midwife put you in touch with some local groups where you could meet other expectant mums face to face?

wellhonestly · 20/03/2018 18:26

But things WILL be OK!!! You are taking steps to make sure that they will.

They are not going to be OK with your partner but you are taking brave steps to make them OK without him. You are looking after you and your baby and that is the right thing to do.

I totally appreciate that this isn't where you intended to be, but you have reacted to your partner turning out to be not what you want or deserve.

Maybe you don't feel strong, but you are doing a very strong thing.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/03/2018 18:26

Oh and yes, it will be difficult. Tiring and hard and amazing all at the same time. Call in those favours and get as much support in place as you can now - for example, if your family are supportive, have you thought of giving birth nearer to them?

Whatever happens, and no matter how hard it feels just remember one thing. It is NEVER gonig to be as hard, as soul-destroying and as simply bloody MISERABLE as having that arsehole in your home, spoiling the early days when you just want to cuddle and feed your baby in peace - shouting, bawling, slagging you off, not helping you one bit and just making you more stressed and tired just by being a horrible presence in the house. Nothing is as hard as that.

You have 100% done the right thing.

Original poster
wishinonastar17 · 20/03/2018 18:28

My support network is zero most of my family live abroad apart from my mum who i dont speak to as she is very abusive always has been ever since i was a child
I do have a few friends but we have become very distant and no one close enough i could talk about this kind of stuff to
Thats why this site really helps

OP posts:
Qvar · 20/03/2018 18:29

Contact your friends. Pound to a penny they've been waiting for you to get rid of the shithead

wellhonestly · 20/03/2018 18:34

I do love Mumsnet, but the other thing to mention is that I made some very good RL friends through the pre-birthing classes I attended at my local midwives', then at breastfeeding support group and then at a fantastic parent-and-baby group run by a local church (you didn't have to be "churchy" to join). It became a fantastic support network.

ohamIreally · 20/03/2018 18:37

Agree contact your friends - any one of us here will tell you if an old friend got back in touch they would be proud to help you.

Original poster
wishinonastar17 · 20/03/2018 18:43

Proud? Im nothing to be proud of sat here pregnant on my own wishing i meant something to my babys dad
Wondering how i got into this situation
Feeling absolutley gutted that he cares so little about the baby inside me he would put me through this after we just lost a baby about 6 months ago
Doesnt that mean anything to him? Isnt he scared he/we could loose this one too? As i certainly am

OP posts:
Daisymay2 · 20/03/2018 19:13

Oh Star
Please learn the lessons from others on here. He is abusive. Keep him out, change the locks in case he has copied your key. Pack anything of his up and send to his work or home in a taxi.
Don't put his name on the birth certificate.
Keep talking on here.

Gemini69 · 20/03/2018 19:27

just remember how he speaks to you... treats you... makes you feel... this is not a good man Flowers

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