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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

partners nastiness worse during pregnancy can i turn this around or is there no hope?

108 replies

wishinonastar17 · 16/03/2018 16:49

Was hoping for a bit of insight or advice really....
Been with partner a few years
No children together as yet
Lost a baby a few months back so we were both over the moon when i fell pregnant again so quickly but since then things have been awful
Im currently 20 weeks pregnant and he flips out over the tiniest things and goes mental at me saying the vilest things he can think of... this is pretty much on a daily basis now....
Constantly telling me hes going to leave me and he can see why my ex had an affair
Im forever trying not to say the wrong thing and barely say anything at all atm but then if im quiet he screams at me for being miserable and he cant stand to look at my whiny face
I have no idea why its got so bad i really thought he would be protective now im pregnant again as we lost the last baby but he doesnt seem to care at all about the stress hes putting me through and if i get upset and ask him to stop he just says im a drama queen or pathetic.....
Is there a right way to act in all this i desperatley want him to just be calm he does have other stress but i just seem to be the emotional punchbag
Has anybody been in this position when pregnant with it gradually getting worse?
How do you/ can you turn it around?
I dont want to split up but i dont know how much more i can take and im worried for this baby with the amount of stress im under not sleeping/eating etc
Any ideas would be really helpful .....

OP posts:
FaithEverPresent · 18/03/2018 11:50

Just wondering..can you talk to your midwife about this? I remember mine used to ask me at every appointment if I was at risk of abuse, I got the impression she could help me if I needed it.

I think if it’s your house you need to look into how you can kick him out. You’ll need support when you do it though and to change the locks as soon as you do.

looondonn · 18/03/2018 11:53

been through this

it only gets worse

can you put a plan in place to leave him? can you talk on here about what you can do next?
sorry to hear this
we are so much easier to be bullied while pregnant - that is what I have learned sadly

AaronPurrSir · 18/03/2018 11:55

You are in a fortunate position in that you are financially secure and the house is yours. He needs to leave, not you. Pack his bags and ask for a friend to be there as back up when you ask him to leave. If he gets aggressive, phone police immediately.

MyBoysAndI · 18/03/2018 11:58

Oh OP Flowers this is a dreadful situation and one that you know isn't going to improve. You hold all the "cards" here in that you're not married (thankgod!!) and it's your home. Please end this relationship now. It's not just about you anymore - you have a child to protect now

smartiecake · 18/03/2018 11:59

Do you have any friends that can help? Does he work?
What he is doing is coercive control and you can log it with the police. I second calling womens aid and going to the police station and getting his behaviour logged. Can you take a friend?
Ultimately if its your house i would say you wait for a day he is at work? Get a friend round. Shove his stuff in bags and get the locks changed while he is out. You dont need to tell him before. And then block him and ignore him. He can see a solicitor about access to his child

Gemini69 · 18/03/2018 13:29

I know hes desperate for this baby not to come from a broken home like his other child

so what.. you take the verbal abuse for the rest of your life and your childs life because HE doesn't want another relationship to fall apart due to HIS behaviour.. Hmm pack you bags and soon Flowers

Gemini69 · 18/03/2018 13:34

correction

pack HIS bags... today Flowers

SandyY2K · 18/03/2018 13:48

You need him out of your life. Women's Aid and your midwife can help. Just tell them everything.

You don't want your baby coming into this environment and if he utters once more he's leaving...agree with him. Tell him he's right...it's the best thing for both of you and the baby. Believe me he'll do a complete 180.

Don't give the baby his surname either. He's not worthy.

Has he been violent before?

Mix56 · 18/03/2018 14:15

You don't need his permission to go to the shop.
I would just go, say you want the exercise & a change of air,
if this creates an argument, this may be the perfect moment to tell him
Actually, I don't need your permission to go for a walk...
If you aren't happy I suggest you leave;
Hopefully he will leave, he will think its on his terms, but ponce he's gone, you can make it permanent.
Perfect.
This relationship is wrong, you do not accept him shouting & criticising, if you take it now, it will only get worse.
Sorry, please take care he doesn't get violent

he is a nasty

Original poster
wishinonastar17 · 19/03/2018 09:22

Hi all am free to message now as hes gone to work .....
I have sent him a message to say to stay at his own house i need some space from the nastiness and some time to think
Not sure how that will go down but im that exhausted this morning i couldnt really care less
Off to work now but will be back on here later its really kind of you all to reply to me it gives me strength to know its not actually me making him behave so badly

OP posts:
Figgygal · 19/03/2018 09:26

Was he like this before you got pregnant? He's already got another child does he have any sort of relationship with them?

Don't tell him you're thinking of ending it in the hope it will change him just tell him you're ending it and mean it.

Original poster
wishinonastar17 · 19/03/2018 09:37

He wasnt great before i got pregnant no and he does have a good relationship with his other child
I havent told him im thinking of ending it it just to stay at his own house as i need a break ive never said this before either

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 19/03/2018 09:43

It is your house. Change the locks and contact Womens Aid.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/03/2018 09:50

Well done OP.
That's the first step taken.
Hard as it may be - do not let him in when he turns up later.
Lock the doors and ignore him if he tries to get in.
If he gets aggressive then call the police.
You know what you need to do.
You feel vulnerable right now and it's hard.
But the sooner you do it the better.
If you need someone to talk to about all this then please contact Womens Aid.

elisenbrunnen · 19/03/2018 09:56

Change the locks - today.

Get legal advie if you can.

Tell police you are trying to leave an abusive relationship. Ask what you should need - alarm, Non-Mol etc.

Call WA and ask advice

Tell your MW/HV

Block him on phone/fb/social media. Tell him he is dumped, and can email if he wants to contact you.

Bag up his stuff and dump at his family/friends.

HairyBallTheorem · 19/03/2018 09:59

OP, I'm not clear about your exact financial situation. Do you work? Do you have access to your own money? If so, given that it's your house, I'd think about (1) police to report domestic abuse - what he is doing to you (not letting you go out alone, insisting on accompanying you everywhere - is coercive control and is illegal) and (2) a solicitor to talk about getting him legally removed from your house and getting a court order to bar him from approaching you.

As soon as you can, give women's aid a ring to get their advice.

Original poster
wishinonastar17 · 19/03/2018 10:01

Id be very suprised if he turns up he will think hes punishing me by not coming ( even though i told him not to ) and expecting me to start begging to see him once ive calmed down but i wont
Ive told him this isnt a relationship its a dictatorship and for once im deciding something
Hes tried to call i havent answered will chat to you nice people instead of him

OP posts:
Original poster
wishinonastar17 · 19/03/2018 10:02

Yes i work and yes its my house completley he has no say over it he doesnt even have a key

OP posts:
Trailedanderror · 19/03/2018 10:07

Good plan OP, talk to us.
When someone abuses you, there’s someone wrong with them not you.
Flowers

ohfortuna · 19/03/2018 10:14

Attacking you when you're vulnerable (ie pregnant)this is the mark of a Predator

merville · 19/03/2018 11:05

Totally aside from the fact that he seems to be abusive (!!!) ... even if he wasn't, I can tell you as someone with a 6 month old baby that my relationship with my partner has been pushed to the absolute limit due to the stresses of a new baby; it tests your relationship and your ability to be tolerant and kind and constructive toward each other to the absolute max.; I dread to think of what it would be like if he's like this during early pregnancy.

(As other posters have said - it's now a well recognised thing that abusers start or ramp up during pregnancy.

You sound like you're in a much better position, with a job and your own accommodation than many women who've posted on here thankfully).

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/03/2018 11:09

Make sure you've got him out before that baby arrives, otherwise he will use it to control you. 'You can't kick me out, I'll take XXXX' and 'you are unstable, the courts will give me custody of XXXX and I'll make sure you never see them again.'

He's a shit. The worst kind of controlling shit, so the only thing you can do is Take. No. More.

TempusFugitive · 19/03/2018 11:09

It does get worse.

Please leave now. The first opportunity you have to escape and it would be escaping, just leave.

I remember reading WA messages on the back of the toilet doors when I was at the hospital and wishing I had the courage to call.

TempusFugitive · 19/03/2018 11:11

Absolutely agree that if you have the baby under his roof the SCRIPT is

You're unhinged, you're mental, you won't get custody.

And if you show the strength to meet him in court

''I'll destroy you''.

Do not put his name on the BC

TempusFugitive · 19/03/2018 11:14

ah, it's your house. Brew

Yes you are going to need to draft in reinforcements to get rid of him.

Do it in stages, get a friend to move in just to be there when you break the news to him. Then get the police/wa to support you through getting him to go.