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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

partners nastiness worse during pregnancy can i turn this around or is there no hope?

108 replies

wishinonastar17 · 16/03/2018 16:49

Was hoping for a bit of insight or advice really....
Been with partner a few years
No children together as yet
Lost a baby a few months back so we were both over the moon when i fell pregnant again so quickly but since then things have been awful
Im currently 20 weeks pregnant and he flips out over the tiniest things and goes mental at me saying the vilest things he can think of... this is pretty much on a daily basis now....
Constantly telling me hes going to leave me and he can see why my ex had an affair
Im forever trying not to say the wrong thing and barely say anything at all atm but then if im quiet he screams at me for being miserable and he cant stand to look at my whiny face
I have no idea why its got so bad i really thought he would be protective now im pregnant again as we lost the last baby but he doesnt seem to care at all about the stress hes putting me through and if i get upset and ask him to stop he just says im a drama queen or pathetic.....
Is there a right way to act in all this i desperatley want him to just be calm he does have other stress but i just seem to be the emotional punchbag
Has anybody been in this position when pregnant with it gradually getting worse?
How do you/ can you turn it around?
I dont want to split up but i dont know how much more i can take and im worried for this baby with the amount of stress im under not sleeping/eating etc
Any ideas would be really helpful .....

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 19/03/2018 11:17

She doesn't need to leave - it's her place and he has his own place.

OP please call the police if he calls round and kicks off. It's the only way to deal with him. And don't let him into your house again - package all his stuff up - get a taxi to deliver it to his house tonight. (I'd be tempted to send it to his ex's house - the sooner he gets back with her the better, I think.)

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 19/03/2018 11:23

Please speak to Women’s Aid and the police, they will advise you how to stay safe.

Khaleesi0 · 19/03/2018 12:22

I'm so pleased you have the means to support yourself and he's not living with you. Just lock the bastard out and don't let him in!

If he has anything he needs to collect, tell him you'll send it round to him. As a PP has suggested, just book a taxi and send it straight to him.

This is the hardest step - you can do this!

Original poster
wishinonastar17 · 19/03/2018 14:53

Thank you all for your replies ... he has messaged to say he will be over tonight IF i calm down ( like hes doing me some kind of favour! And totally ignoring the fact that for once it was ME who said dont come ) i think hes so used to threatening it himself that hes forgot i said i was making the decision this time
Weve been arguing about the ex again so ive told him to just go and keep her sweet and leave us alone she causes so many problems in our relationship and he will never put his foot down and stop it incase she stops him seeing his child....strangely he doesnt have the same kind of worries about upsetting me!
The nasty msgs will start soon telling me its over how he can see why my ex husband had an affair blah blah heard it all 1000x but i dont think he will take it on the chin me saying for once i want some space in his head he makes all the decisions
I am standing firm though i want some space but looks like its going to be a long night!

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 19/03/2018 14:56

Please please get reinforcements in tonight, can someone stay with you?

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/03/2018 14:57

Good for you wishin. Stay firm and don't let him in when he (almost inevitably) turns up on your doorstep telling you that he's forgiven you for being shitty and you need to 'talk'.

Your life will be so much nicer without this negative, controlling person in it.

gamerchick · 19/03/2018 14:57

Stick to your guns OP. Be very clear in that you don’t want him over tonight.

I think he’ll be so confident that you’ll back down that he’ll be over the night like nothing as happened and you’ll be tempted to let him because your head is tired and it’s easier.

But this time will come around again and you’ll have to do it eventually it may as well be now.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/03/2018 15:08

he will be over tonight IF i calm down
You just respond saying you have told him NOT to come round and you do NOT want to see him.
And if he thinks you aren't calm now, if he turns up just wait and see how UNcalm you can be.
Then block him for tonight.

Adora10 · 19/03/2018 15:32

Get your back up in place; he sounds beyond normal; daily abuse, for what reason, oh yeah because he's a nasty bully that likes to use you as a verbal punch bag, and you are pregnant, could he be any worse!

Stop suffering it, you don't need to, it's your home, he has no key, i have to laugh at him not wanting a child from a broken home, yeah put your poor innocent baby through the abuse too then OP, that's far better than actually telling him to GTF which you should have done a long time ago.

You want some space, why are you not telling him to go for good, what else does he have to do.

JaneEyre70 · 19/03/2018 15:33

I'd try and get someone to stay with you tonight if you can. He's not going to take this well when he clicks that you mean it. Or keep your phone next to you to phone 999 if you need to. Well done for being so strong.

Original poster
wishinonastar17 · 19/03/2018 16:15

I will stick to my guns he wont be over tonight im sure as he will think hes punishing me by not ....
In reply to what else does he have to do? I do realise im being weak and should forget the space thing and just tell him to fuck off....easier said than done though and atm i am just exhausted and want some head space from the arguments im sorry if people think im being stupid or weak

OP posts:
Adora10 · 19/03/2018 16:20

I don't think you are stupid or weak and I am sorry if I have come across blunt but I think you need to hear it straight, you have an opportunity now to rid yourself of this nasty man and spend the rest of your pregnancy in peace and quiet as well as bringing in your child to the world without the worry of having to pacify him or walk on egg shells, you can now just concentrate on you and the baby.

You will be less exhausted especially mentally if you have FA to do with him from now on.

Thebluedog · 19/03/2018 16:44

Well done OP Flowers

Do not let him back in, pack up whatever stuff he has at your house and tell him his stuff is ready and waiting for him somewhere, or send it in a taxi to his work tomorrow.

Abuse normally. Starts, or in your case, escalated during pregnancy, he will not get any better I’m afraid, only worse

Mix56 · 19/03/2018 17:22

If you can't get someone round, is there any chance you could go & stay with a friend? turn off your phone, let him bang on the door..... whatever, you are out & will not be bullied into opening & have to listen to his rant all evening, "You push me to it, if you just only.... ,You're nuts, I never said that, your mental cos ur pregnant, you are stupid. really a hard to hear, you are so freshly out of the FOG & want to believe this can be OK.
Or, alternatively he will play the "I'm sorry, whining, crying sob story"
its bollox, It's the cycle of abuse,
Once you give in he will revert to type.

Elllicam · 19/03/2018 17:34

Well done OP it sounds like you are handling it really well.

Original poster
wishinonastar17 · 19/03/2018 17:35

I cant go and stay at a friends i really dont think he will be round tonight i think he will go radio silence as he knows from past experience this hurts me and stresses me out

OP posts:
NutCase82 · 19/03/2018 17:42

You are NOT weak or stupid!!! Those who judge like that have never been in this situation. Once upon a time I'd of said things like 'just leave him' etc but not so easy as that. The reason he probably doesn't want to upset the ex is he will of gained some respect for her when she had the balls to leave him, plus she sounds just as mean as he is tbh so she's likely better at this hatred game than you are.

I had the chief of police tell me that the best thing I could do for my baby is leave my partner, he said he spoke from experience and when he looked at my ex it was like looking at his dad. They don't get better for long, they are bad people who are capable of doing good things - like a Venus fly trap, they can look so alluring and beautiful, it's a trap to get from you what they need or want. It's not real.

If you're like me then it will become so much more clear that your child does not deserve this, I was willing to take the abuse to some extent. But my baby absolutely was not going to suffer him.

Dragongirl10 · 19/03/2018 20:50

Op please break away from him for good, have your lovely baby, be happy without this nasty vile man.

ChickenMom · 20/03/2018 01:13

Lock all the doors. Don’t respond to messages. Don’t let him back in. His behaviour isn’t normal and isn’t right. You are at a huge risk if you let this carry on. When the baby gets here it will be impossible to get rid of him. Your life will be hell. Get rid now.

Ariesgirl1988 · 20/03/2018 02:04

@wishinonastar17 As previous posters have said, lock the doors and don't respond to him. And you are not stupid or weak! I've worked with many dv victims and its always the mental stuff that makes it harder to break away from the relationship. I don't mean to scare you but right now you are at a very high risk! When you start taking back control they become threatened and start becoming more abusive as they're desperate to get you back under their control and being pregnant even more so because you have access to doctors and midwives who see you regular they cannot control that which means more of a chance of you disclosing the abuse. Please please please call the police or even women's aid if you can't face ringing the police. Also you may want to look into getting an injunction against him as that means he can't come near you, contact you or even come to your house and if he breaks it the police have to act. Also if you report it to the police they can fit panic alarms and have you put down as high risk which means any time you call its flagged as high risk and guarantees an immediate response. If you really can't face ringing the police could you get a friend to do it on your behalf perhaps? the police can come to your house if you can't face going into the station to report him but it's important you start disclosing to friends as they may well be able to support you.

MrsDilber · 20/03/2018 08:52

When he says it's over, say that's fine, can you come and collect your things please.

Do not beg him. EVER.

When he comes you can even have some of his essential stuff ready for him to take. If h gets abusive, call the police.

Good luck. You need him gone. Don't engage in the drama, it's getting you know where but miserable.

Original poster
wishinonastar17 · 20/03/2018 15:02

Thanks for all the replies ... he didnt turn up last night and wont tonight either , as expected he thinks hes being clever and punishing me
Feel very down today still loads of problems with his ex which i dont want to say too much about incase she is on here and i out myself
Barely slept last night and not looking forward to tonight at all
Please someone tell me it gets better.... im worried about my baby as i feel so stressed all the time and not eating or sleeping
I even had a couple of fags last night which i feel so guilty about now :(
Dont know how to feel ok about all of this

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 20/03/2018 15:13

You’re doing great OP Flowers

His ex is no longer your issue so try to remove yourself from that stress.

Be kind to yourself and look forward. Just think how lovely and calm and peaceful it will be with just you and your dc.

Don’t worry too much about the fags as long as you don’t start up smoking again. These things happen..... as for him. Start to take all his stuff from around the house, bag them up and put them out if site. Can you rearrange your bedroom so it’s lovely and nice for you

Original poster
wishinonastar17 · 20/03/2018 15:22

Thank you for your reply im panicking about the baby .... have just booked an appt with the midwife for tomorrow as i just want to hear its heartbeat to know its ok

OP posts:
Twinkletoes2018 · 20/03/2018 15:37

Tell your midwife everything. I'm glad you have some control it's your house he has no key. Get some space from him and try and relax for the baby out yourself first. I'm 14 weeks pregnant and have also had a lot of stress this pregnancy. There are some good hypnobirthing relaxations you can get on line to help relax for the baby.