Break Out The Red Flag Bunting, It's Dating Thread 131

[VetOnCall]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread

Cover that is brilliant. I've had so many similar messages.
Why is it so difficult to a have a fun, intelligent, interesting exchange of messages?
I unhide my profile on POF and have been viewed by at least 30 men in less than 24hrs yet only 2 have messaged and they are miles away.
8 matches on Tinder and none have messaged.

Right guys, i haven't posted in a while but need your advice ASAP! (I have been lurking since my last post however.)

AM I BEING LOVED BOMBED BY MR C?

So Mr C I've been dating for a month now. Met on POF. On the first date i was taken aback when i laid eyes on him. He was literally my type 100% on paper physically (in pictures not so much). He was also hilarious and we just clicked and it wasnt awkward at all. Just such a spark.

Mr C isn't really experienced romantically as in he hasn't actually dated really, only had 2 relationships lasting less than a year. Hes in his late twenties (I'm mid twenties). He's more preoccupied with his hobby he says. Lets call it fishing as its similar.
He has a group of fishing mates who he fishes with weekly and sees a few times a week for a pint as well as working full time. So he's never had a real girlfriend.
He still lives at home and his family are pretty wealthy with a big house and lots of space so no push for him to move out.

Sooo.. Dating. His dates have been very thoughtful and his family and friends have advised him on places to go and the dates have been lovely.

First week.. We go for a drink and hit it off so end up staying until closing. Second date he plans. He takes us rock climbing as advised by his friends (were both active). It was amazing and we clicked.

Third date: a fancy meal and drinks (end up staying until closing again talking).

Fourth date: Comes to mine and i cook him a meal and we end up talking until 3am. (No sex just kissing).

Fifth date: we both have no plans on the weekend, so he takes me away for the night for a city break in a spa and do lots of physical activities we enjoy whilst there and have MB. He's not had many sexual partners either and there was no pressure to dtd from him, i wanted to.

Sixth date: we go for a meal and he stays at mine. Really nice night and talking till early hours.

7th date: i go to his and stay and meet his family who have heard lots about me and comment in later conversation he hasn't had a girlfriend and I'm the first to stay over.

This has been spread out over a month. Now i really really like him and we get on so well. I feel we click. I still see my friends all the time (i live alone), still do my usual activities and he hasnt infringed on my usual routine in anyway or wanted too. We speak everyday and have long phonecalls as we have so much in common and same sense of humour.

However i am aware that for some this may be 'moving too fast?'. It does feel right and natural. However a lot of couples don't do weekends away until dating a few months? We were both free that weekend so rather than be stuck in he asked to go away to a place i had said i wanted to go if i wanted too.

There have been no declarations of 'love' from either of us. However i do want some outside opinions as i am aware from mumsnet of this whole 'love bombing' thing and as i have developed feelings quite quickly i want to safeguard myself best i can!

Thanks for reading if you've managed it and any advice given!

5 Val go you! I am hopeless at messaging a few but that's because I am incapable of short sweet messages, I write essays so it gets time consuming as well as confusing. What's the deal with Little Willy? have I missed something?
Hey cover I think you have to be yourself (ie : bloody hilarious) from the off as if they don't get it, it will never work, have ended a fair few conversations because of a mismatch in humour. I like the prison comment, and the fact he was fine with it :)
Tech how's things? have you been lurkin, workin or furkin? x

@ignoring yeah it looks that way! I feel bad though, I haven't replied to Ms Music yet and I really need to... Or can I just not reply?

@Cover blimey what a conversation... Maybe having a short break isn't too bad an idea. Being snarky isn't bad but you might end up doing it unintentionally to someone you like

@val go you! Good luck!

@Smeaton that did make me laugh! I think I'll pass too though...

Game that sounds amazing and though I'm a Newby it would have to be fairly elaborate love bombing to get his family in on the act!

Game I dunno, if it feels good and comfortable then I say go with it. Trust your gut. There’s no rules (despite how I go on sometimes ) or specific timeframes. For every 20 stories of DTD and then being ghosted, there’s one “we were inseparable together from the first date, which was the first night”.
Or maybe it’s more like 200:1 Or 2000

Generally things that start off quick/hot/intense die out quickly, but that’s just it: it’s generalising.
This could be different. Or it might not be. No way of knowing. So my advice would be enjoy it, protect yourself as you’ve said, but always pay attention to your intuition.
I think if he’s not had a proper girlfriend and you’ve been introduced to his family that could be a positive thing. But I’d also be thinking a guy in his late 20s who hasn’t had a relationship ever might need a bit of, I dunno, schooling for want of a better word. He won’t be used to what you’re used to.

Good luck though, keep us posted?

game it doesn't sound like love bombing to me. He seems to be really thoughtful and puts a lot of effort into the dates.
When I was lovebombed there was a lot of talk very early on of all the things we could do together. However all we ended up doing was getting drunk together. And as soon as he had MB he went very cold on me. After two lots of MB he ended it.
Your situation sounds very different to me. I hope things continue to work out well for you.

Bloody I have a friend who has very strict dating criteria. I wouldn't put it past her to do exactly that!

Well, I've just had a whirlwind 10 days which stated with intense declarations of being 'the one', promises of holidays, soul mates, chemistry, living together.

Having been love bombed before I held back but it was hard not to get swept up in it.

Then he asked really in-depth questions about my five year plan and I got the feeling I was being auditioned for the role of partner. Know I got some answers 'wrong' because I could tell he was disappointed in me. Slept together that night, really intimate and loving.

Then the inevitable withdrawing; I called him on it and he said I wasn't the one so it was goodbye from him.

I'm not distraught, just a little winded.

Why do this? He's the second to behave like this - promise the earth and then when they realise I'm not the person they've built me up to be they just withdraw.

The men I meet seem to have a picture of a perfect woman in their head. And they're not all that themselves tbh. But it knocks my confidence a little; I wanted to ask what I did wrong but I know it's not me.

This is just so damn hard isn't it. With each knock back I come back a little sadder and wiser but I don't want to be sad and wise, I want to be happy!

Tom yes, you put that way more succinctly thN me and that’s exactly what I was trying to say

@Game doesn't sound love bombing to me, just sounds like a really nice start to a relationship. I don't think not being in a long relationship before is a bad thing. I didn't have a long relationship of more than a year til I was 27. Relax and enjoy :)

@popcorn it's absolutely not you, it's the guys' problem. They have this idea in their head, as you said, and they pick someone to go in there. But that doesn't work. It doesn't stop it being hurtful for you though. Treat yourself kindly, do something that makes you happy for now, then go back in when you're ready.

ignoring all of those 😂😂

gamechanger - as others have said, that sound really quite nice. A relationship developing at a slow, reasonable pace, with lots of thought about what you'd like, no pressure, and just.. niceness. Sometimes overthinking is your worst enemy.

popcorn - sorry - I've posted before about how people try to slot new potential partners into predefined ideals. Men do it more than women, I think, and then when the differences show we call things off, which is usually after sex has already happened. This is why dating generally doesn't turn into relationships. It's not you, it's humanity..but it's difficult to go through.

I simply cannot be arsed with it all at the moment. Ridiculously Hot Eastern European jack-of-all-trades is binned, as she's only asked two questions about me - which were how old were my children and how long have I been single. And I know what her hobbies are, her favourite foods, her job history, her daughters issues at college, her holiday experiences as a child, her favourite cocktail...

Some people just don't put the effort in. I dislike entitlement. If she can't be arsed to ask me anything, I can't be arsed to ask her out.

Bant that sounds rubbish and a bit dull!

Can I ask what MB is? Been mentioned a couple of times now.

Popcorn sorry to hear that. But to be honest if someone was asking me about my “5 year plan” (get laid, avoid diabetes, get back to lifting so I don’t break a hip) within the first 10 days that’d be a proper red flag. I want to enjoy the present moment and get to know someone over time: I don’t want to skip to the denouement, I want to read the whole book. And I want to get them to know me too.

By all accounts it’s pretty common though, and bearing in mind the odds of finding someone you click with on OLD I can see why it’s such an easy trap to fall into. If (or when, please God it’s a when) I meet the next Mr Cover, I know I’ll be fighting hard against going there in my head too.

Have an un MN hug and hope you feel less winded soon x

Thank you,kitten and cover, it's funny how a few kind words from people who know the ropes makes you feel better.

people try to slot new potential partners into predefined ideals...when the differences show we call things off, which is usually after sex has already happened

^^ so true bant. He was after someone who was 'inquisitive'. Apparently because I have yet to book a summer holiday I'm not inquisitive enough. Because I've not contemplated emigrating I'm too stuck in my ways. Because I referred to paddle boarding as being out of my comfort zone - I'm not a good swimmer - then I'm not adventurous enough. And - sorry if TMI - but because I like to cum then I'm 'too climax focused'.

I wanted to say so just supposing you find this inquisitive, adventurous, emigrating, tantric woman - would you care if she cheated on you? Or if she didn't make you laugh? Or if she wasn't solvent? If she didn't have a good job, or lacked ambition? If she didn't live 5 miles away?

Because I can offer those things in spades, but you're backing off because I've not booked a holiday?

Twat.

Popcorn if you had been an inquisitive, adventurous, emigrating, tantric temptress he'd have backed off because he wanted someone less nosy, less reckless, less flighty and less focussed on 20 hours of chafing... It was definitely him not you.

I agree with Cover though take it slow in the beginning in terms believing any voodoo soulmate shit.

Well there's an offer I can easily refuse.

Popcorn it's definitely him and not you. He doesn't want a real person, he wants a ticklist. A 5 year plan... jesus, that sounds like a job interview and we all know how much fun those are

Game it always pays to keep your wits about you but I don't think that sounds like lovebombing either, it sounds pretty good so far!

Popcorn “TOO CLIMAX FOCUSED”????? He actually SAID that??? Jesus I see an orgasm as my God(dess) given right and if that makes me entitled then sofuckingbeit. I thought EVERY guy liked to make their partner cum, Jesus I’ve not yet slept with a guy that hasn’t totally got off on it. And whilst I’ve not had a ton of sexual partners (more than Mother Teresa, less than Madonna is my standard answer) I’m 49 and I’ve been at it for 32 years in October so I’ve had a fair few. And the long term ones to a man made sure I did and most times before they did.

So either I’m bucking the odds here or you dodged a massive bullet. You’re right he’s a massive twat. Who will probably die alone.

Been I can’t hear tantric sex without thinking about Sting and that totally kills my hard on, let me tell you.

Vet dare you to reply “what, simultaneously? Surely it’d spill?”

climax focused best line EVER for a man to get out of just being a bit shit at it 😂

too climax focused holy shit, I've heard it all now!!!!

popcorn what a twat. Lucky escape I'd say. Onwards and upwards.

bant so a tonne of degrees did not male her the most interesting of conversationalists? Just goes to show that you can be a good student but good social skills are so important.

game nothing in what you detailed made me think red flag. In fact it sounds all very lovely. You are both young, free, enjoy it. I met me exh online back in the day, would have been married 12 years this year, and we started out exactly like this. Weekends away, exciting dates, meeting friends and family early on. It was great.

Hi to everyone else. I'm waving from the Smitten Booths. Very much enjoying things as they are at the moment. Best sex ever. Loads of laughs. I'm happy.

oh popcorn he is a complete, utter twat! No matter what you said it wouldnt have been 'right' in his world.

After my boring date yesterday I got a couple of messages from 2 of the other irons. I messaged one back and just laid it on the line. Im not into going 2 hours for a date, I dont want players, etc etc. Got a lovely reply back saying he would travel to me, he was genuine and could we date soon.

The other guy who is funny and makes me laugh messaged and we chatted briefly as I got a phone call from Mr snog .
so he came over to me, we chatted lots, kissed lots and then lots of decent sex - not brilliant but getting there. He was err very focused on me . Im not used to sharing my bed now and found it hard to get to sleep, especially knowing the alarm was going off at 6 for him for work. Anyway, he had a shower, coffee and kissed me until he had to leave.

Lovely end to a Sunday. I like Mr Snog - not sure it will go anywhere but it is easy, comfortable and there is a spark. He makes me laugh lots and is a superb kisser. Im off to bed for a couple hours before I hit the gym! grinning from ear to ear What a difference a couple of weeks make eh?

MB????

jax what a great way to end your weekend!

popcorn I'm really sorry to hear what happened to you, but it does sound like you've had a lucky escape. He sounds like a complete twat. I can't imagine for one minute he'll ever find anyone who fits his criteria and who actually wants to be with him.