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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Break Out The Red Flag Bunting, It's Dating Thread 131

999 replies

VetOnCall · 15/03/2018 19:21

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread
OP posts:
Thread gallery
11
LiteraryDevil · 29/03/2018 18:44

It's depressing isn't it. The more stories I hear the less faith I have in men and relationships. The recent affair thread was horrendous to read. Makes me want to give up.

ThirdTimeUnlucky · 29/03/2018 18:47

Lost and New - sorry to hear that. It sucks.
Onwards and upwards I guess.
MrWow is bombarding me with messages. He said he's deleted his PoF profile now and does not want to lose me. Hmm. Gonna play the WMLB role for a bit. Halo Lol.

LiteraryDevil · 29/03/2018 18:50

Third that's a big red flag right there. Taking his profile down so you do the same then bombarding you with messages saying he doesn't want to lose you. That's your cue to run.

Lostlily · 29/03/2018 18:57

Flower and Newyear
Sorry to hear about our bad experienced 🙄
Mine was a 45 year old man too! Seriously I thought the dump by text thing was what teenagers did!
I am coming to the conclusion that although then men I have met over the last year have moaned about ex wives not working or using them as money making machines.... actually they are quite threatened by a woman who actually has a good career and doesn’t ‘need’ their money and can make decisions and opinions for themselves!
He commented that I was in a relationship now and going on holidays with my friends we’re not what I should be doing and I shouldn’t be so extravagant when I booked a spa weekend. I basically laughed and said I had always done things with friends and it’s my money and I do what I like!
Ffs what century are we in!!!

Costaricachica · 29/03/2018 19:30

Sounds like a fair few of us are having a rough time of it lately.

Flowers- that's disgusting behaviour after 6 months together. I hate the whole blocking thing. It's so cold and cowardly and leaves you feeling completely worthless. It's happened to me recently but I've now been unblocked and he wants to start up out FWB thing again. What's that all about? Maybe what he thought what was a better option didn't work out.

There's got to be some decent men out there though surely - I mean we're all single and obviously complete catches! Wink

pudding21 · 29/03/2018 19:33

Jesus flower 6 months and thats all he can do. They are cowards in my opinion if that is how they respect you. You had a lucky escape (keep telling yourself that) and lostlily you too.

Its so easy to text, but it really is a cop out. I guess it happens more in OLD as you don't have mutual friends, likely to bump into each other as much. Idiots.

Ginny70 · 29/03/2018 19:57

Back catching up properly after a stupidly full-on couple of weeks. Lost Flower Newyear and Third Sorry you've been through a rough time. Those twunts do NOT deserve you.

I know I haven't put up any photos on POF and, frankly, I wasn't really expecting any engagement, consequently, but just wanted to read a few profiles to learn the craft Grin, and to see who else was up there and out there. Dear god. I have not seen a single bloke I would consider messaging, let alone meeting. I've had at least a couple of messages each day. One bloke continually messages me about various aspects of my profile, though I've never responded to him, and as he can't see what I look like, he's clearly not getting a lot of traffic and is a bit desperate. Two others have asked me to be their sub to his dom. I mean FFS. Does my profile attract that type, I wonder.

Maybe if I put a photo up, I'd get more messaging and someone might crop up that I like the look of. But I haven't seen anyone so far. Is there a knack to searching? I do local, recently joined, online now etc ....

ThirdTimeUnlucky · 29/03/2018 20:23

Ginny - sorry but I assume that profile with no pics means that they are after NSA sex. Maybe that's what they think of you? No disrespect intended.
Costa - yep, we are the catches! Lol.
Seriously, wtf, stick to WMLB, as harsh as it sounds, seems to work. Confused

Bant · 29/03/2018 20:24

Sounds like lots of people are going through the OLD wringer at the moment.

I'm too busy with work to date at the moment. There are one or two I was chatting to but they're too far away. The ones who live closer to me can't hold a decent conversation. One said in their bumble profile that they were looking for their Christian Grey and I just thought.. meh..

On the plus side..

HEY LAYDEEZ! Anyone want to hear my posts about women's interesting sexual peccadilloes, after having barged into the thread and mansplained for a bit?

(I do love how the thread-massive brings people down, one ego-puncturing wound at a time :)

ThirdTimeUnlucky · 29/03/2018 20:35

Yeah Bant I'm curious, lol.

Costaricachica · 29/03/2018 20:37

What's WMLB!?

LiteraryDevil · 29/03/2018 20:41

Costa why men love bitches. Never will understand the game playing that goes on. Both sexes do it and it drives me nuts. Why can't people just be genuine and honest about what they want and how they feel without playing games to try and get their date to do what they want?

Costaricachica · 29/03/2018 20:51

LiteraryDevil - thank you! (One to Google)

I completely agree. Seems so hard now - probably people are spoilt for choice and wondering if someone better will come along. We need some positive stories to give us hope! But all the happy coupled peeps will be busy being together and not on here lol!

ValMc1 · 29/03/2018 20:57

Literary!- I'm with you - no idea why people have to play games - we're not in the playground now

Bant · 29/03/2018 21:30

You're completely right. Game playing is shit.

However - the truth is that they're based on observations of human behaviour. Men do prefer to pursue women, women generally prefer to be pursued by a man they're interested in. We go off people who we perceive as too needy. We're more interested in people with a little mystique. It's natural.

So given all these things, it makes sense to have a set of guidelines on how to navigate the world of dating, to optimise your chances of finding someone decent and keeping them. So people play games.

From my observations on here, women do it far more than men do. We're more reactive, instinctive, unplanned. We respond strongly to short term stimuli and don't really have a plan.

Men don't love bitches, we just go off women who are too needy, clingy, desperate or trying to please, because we seek a challenge worth conquering. As ridiculous as that sounds. We want to be the only one who can charm that particular woman, who can seduce that one. We want to know that we've won someone worth winning.

And people play games to make that appear to be the case. But playing games too obviously also puts people off.

A woman messaged me the other night and we got into a fairly short discussion. She asked me if I thought she'd had plastic surgery on her boobs. I demurred answering, and referenced something else we'd talked about. She said she was proud they were real and she hadn't had surgery. I thought 'Jesus, this is like talking to a teenager with no social skills whatsoever, just trying to verbally thrust her tits in my face and hope they work to make me interested'

Don't get me wrong, I'm a bloke. I have triggers, same as the next bloke. But if you treat me like a moron, I'll assume you are too.

FalconHeavy · 29/03/2018 22:33

"Smeaton Wed 28-Mar-18 21:26:38

Bant Shh... The man is talking.. confused
"
I laughed, loudly.

--
Bitch doesn't mean bitch in the book. It's an abbreviation for something I didn't care to remember.

I don't play games with people but the game of dating amuses me, probably because I am not serious about it. I hope that makes sense.

Bant · 29/03/2018 22:44

Babe in total control of herself, as I understand it falcon

The game amuses me too, because I don't particularly want to play. There are some times when I can see someone is playing the role, and then I try to work out are they actually interesting and busy and all the other stuff that the book teaches them to prefend to be - or are they just pretending to be.

Because if it's the former I'll be interested, but if they're playing badly, I'll be amused and bemused and then slightly irritated that someone is trying to play me

FalconHeavy · 29/03/2018 22:53

Have you read the book, Bant? What did you think of it?

I think I do a lot of the WMLB stuff naturally anyhow. Just before I read the book, I'd been learning to not wear my heart on my sleeve. This occurred after I was a bit hurt by a good friend's thoughtlessness (not the dating type,) I pulled back from a friend a bit and she makes more effort now. It's a funny old world.

I should say I don't even play games for fun with the daters looking for LT relationships. That'd be mean.

esk1mo · 29/03/2018 22:56

i don’t particularly agree with “game playing” but i think its a necessary evil in alot of cases. you dont know if the person you have just met is being authentic, so its best to mirror their behaviour, or even use
some of the tried-and-tested pyschology to feel confident in the dating world.

so ive managed to get another iron on tinder, Mr25. he’s cute, funny and not looking for anything serious. we shall see. MrF is saying he will bake me a cake, hopefully we will see each other soon. i dont mind if he has feelings, i have a soft spot for him. but i dont see it developing into a full relationship.

im a little bit infatuated with Mr19 from my gym. he’s soooo my type, i really hope he takes a hint and approaches me! 😂

Bant · 29/03/2018 23:15

I'm a bloke in his 40s, falcon - I don't read self help books to improve women's chances of dating. We don't generally read personal development type books as we're all convinced we know everything already..

FalconHeavy · 30/03/2018 06:29

Bant I'd realised you were male. You seemed to have some knowledge of the book so I wondered if you read WMLB to critique it / read about the game rather than learn from it.

SilverdaleGlen · 30/03/2018 07:57

Does everyone else automatically assume men with no, or a single unidentifiable pic is married?

One had 2 yesterday contact me on match, give their number and say they'll send photos/explain more then. Being curious I messaged both 😁 One sent a photo and said he was widowed but very private. (Nice photo actually, French guy). One hasn't responded. And my
MrUnavailable who I've been chatting to for months started that way too, though he said discretion for work purposes.

So always married and lying? Or do people sometimes just not want their faces on their because of family/work/friends/other?

SilverdaleGlen · 30/03/2018 07:59

there not their could not let that one slide shameface!!

That's the other thing, I REALLY need to stop mentally adding correct use of words and punctuation to profiles Blush

penny1ane · 30/03/2018 08:33

Silver, it could be either. You may just have to ask the right questions to find out.
You dont have to meet them if after chatting to them you dont feel right about it.
A married man could easily have a full profile with lots of pics but have his profile hidden and still send messages.
From reading these threads it would seem that it doesnt really matter what a profile says or looks like, its a complete roll of the dice.

Locotion · 30/03/2018 08:59

I feel infatuated! Arghhhhh.

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