Break Out The Red Flag Bunting, It's Dating Thread 131

[VetOnCall]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread

Love yeah he was very strong willed and confident and I think I challenged him on a few things and he didn't like it.
He also gave me some scenarios that evening and I obviously didn't give the right answers
I am just out of a shitty marriage and I may not exactly know what I want, but I do know what DON'T want! I actually think considering his baggage and things he threw at me at the start, I stuck with him when a lot of women wouldn't have.
He was nice and I had a lovely couple of months with him. I am not sure I am going to go back on OLD just now.
It has been lovely having someone to spend time with to escape all the other crap going on.... but when it goes wrong it just ADDS to it and I don't need more upset right now

I completely agree that you shouldn't lie about your age and should use recent photos. However, I do understand why some people want to knock a couple of years of their age.

I've just done a search on Match for men between 5 years younger and 7 years older than me. Out of the first 30 this is what I get:

• only 10 are my age or older, of them 5 I would consider dating.
• of the remaining 20, I'd consider 16 of them.

However out of those 16, some of whom are only a year or two younger than me, 12 of them state they are looking for women younger than them. So they won't even consider someone slightly older.

Morning all! On second thoughts I really don't think I'm thick skinned enough yet for OLD!! (Wimp!)

I figured it would be easier than it sounds - which is like a lot of hard work. I think I'll just hang back, observe and pick up some tips from you braver people!
X

Runs I'm sorry your date didn't work out last night, hopefully he will get in touch.
I am quite gutted about my relationship ending, and so suddenly. I won't contact him but it will be really hard as you said.
He would normally message me every morning and throughout the day, I was supposed to be seeing him tonight so that will be horrible later.

I keep checking my phone like a teenager, but at the same time, he has pissed me off just ending it like that, and by message!
I am just trying not to be too self critical because some of the things he said hurt me

Lost I got dumped last year without warning or explanation. And he did it by text but agreed to meet me to talk it through. He still didn't have a reason to give me.
I did what you're doing. I checked my phone constantly, watched his facebook, turned into a bit of a stalker! And I went over and over it in my head - all the things that I did wrong or weren't right about me.

In a way I think you have to go through that phase as painful as it might be. But in the end I knew there was nothing I could have done differently or better. He didn't want to be with me and I couldn't change his mind.

Now I look at the positive things that came out of the relationship - I discovered new places to go, things I enjoy and had great sex for a year .
And my stalking paid off because I found out recently he'd starting seeing someone else before he dumped me.

You're hurting now but you've learnt from it. Like you say, you put up with things other women wouldn't. Would you do that again?
Do something for yourself this evening so you don't have to think about what you would've been doing with him.

Silver, i wouldnt think too much into it.
It could be one of two things. He is either chatting to others or looking at your profile. I used to check profiles to look again at the pics.
Either way you don't know and its know worth worrying about.
You just have to be yourself and be his best option :-) Cancel out the competition ;-)

Thank you Runs good advice x

silverdale I would agree with pennylane

first of all it's just a first date and why would you necessarily put all your eggs in one basket for the sake of someone you've never met - so totally understandable that they might still be looking at messages or still looking at other profiles. You're going to go through loads of frogs before you catch the prince :).

secondly, I also go back and look at pictures before I meet someone

thirdly, I think it's worth clarifying what you do or don't do. When I first started, I used to say to people, I only chat/see/message one person at a time (just so they knew) but actually I realised pretty quickly that very few people do this. Now I say nothing. But I do also think by saying nothing, there probably needs to be a point at which you both agree it's serious and come off there. I am not sure what that point is but I do know with the one serious bloke I met on there, we did agree together where that point was and both came off it at the same time.

re first dates, I've done busy pubs, coffee shops, agreed to go on a walk near me (where I knew loads of people could see me, i.e. a public walk through a park etc.)

I think for women, it really does need to be a safe public space with a lot of people around

Thank you both, I guess if I could see him in there then he could see me, so..!

I sent a couple of options on bars/pubs this morning and he's read it but not replied. Trying not to convince myself that he's done a runner.

On the plus side MrUnavailable has been chatty today and did want to try and meet for a flying visit when ours travel paths crossed but the times didn't work.

And MrTechy who I have a horrible feeling I could really like is checking some dates the week after next!

My dilemma is I normally see my FWB in that place and he gets back from Lisbon the same week so feel a bit at just not saying I am in town 🤦🏼‍♀️ Plus I want to see him but ultimately he's been clear he doesn't want anything serious so I need to keep looking right?!

yes silver dont confuse FWB as a relationship. If you want a relationship keep looking!

lost I dated someone for 9 months last year and he ended it by text. I knew it was coming, but I was still upset.

As runs so rightly says, focus on the good bits. I did exactly that. We did so much together and I enjoyed it. But I also think of the bad bits and what I've learnt from that. He was very complex and I did say to him not long before we separated that no-one else would have put up with him as long as I did. Time is a great healer although I have drunk texted him once recently after a date went wrong telling I miss what we had I don't recommend that!

But you will learn from this, about what you want from a relationship and what you won't tolerate. And this is someone out there for you.

Right, thoughts please....been chatting to a few people on POF. One iron, Mr Bear is very nice. We talk a lot, similar interests, etc. He asks to meet up and we swap numbers.

Here's the thing, my life is hectic. I work full time in central London, single mum (ex doesn't help much) to 2 teenagers one of whom is in a competitive sport and trains 8 times a week. So weekdays are pretty much out, and my next few weekends are genuinely busy. Explain this to Mr Bear, who is fine with that. He later texts and says he'll happily travel closer to me so we can meet up sooner. I explain my situation in more detail and say thanks but not possible. He texts me today and apologies for appearing to be needy, he isn't like that. I then explain that my life is busy and if I do date someone I wouldn't want to or be able to see them any more than once a week. He says he is fine with that, if we do actually get on when we meet.

So, I fear he's needy and a bit desperate. Am I over-reacting and he's just genuinely nice and wants to meet me?

What is an 'iron'? (Sorry proper newbie question!😂)

Thanks smeaton, it's just a tricky few weeks. Ex-h is away. He helps if I ask him, but he's not around to ask for the next two weeks as he's away with work.

Maybe I am just being over cautious thinking this man is needy.

And it doesn't help he's on the edge of south London and I'm on the edge of north London!

Can I join in?

I've been reading this thread with great interest as I suspect I'll possibly be back onto OLD soon. I thought I could try and put a male perspective across, I'm one of three good males friends (aged 43 - 50) who strangely find ourselves single at the same time, navigating this ever changing world (sometimes with hilarity) and we compare notes....

First thing - although I've been truthful in my description about age and height and tried to be respectful, boy have I made some mistakes..... 1) selling myself short 2) not being divorced enough before OLD 3) dating too many people at once, sometimes 3 or 4 a week, spinning plates 4) getting drunk on a first date and having sex 5) getting drunk on a second date and having sex with someone unsuitable 6) having a reserve in the wings for a relationship, like its a job interview process 'sweetie shop syndrome'.....

Hello everyone. Checking in after a week or two away from the thread. Gosh, things move quickly here. Positive thoughts to all those who have been stood up, cancelled on, ghosted, dicked around etc. OLD is a minefield frankly and it's so nice to have the support of others in the same boat. Keep on at it people and we will find decent irons!

My Mr French and I are going well. He's quite eccentric but we seem very well suited and I'm heading for the smitten bench..... However, I'm having problems trusting purely because we met on Tinder! I guess I don't really know him and aghh...he could be seeing lots of other people. I just don't know how to have the can we exclusive conversation. How do others handle this?

Don't worry Sand I've been idiotic too, sleeping with people first time, talking to too many, not really knowing what I want and not believing I'm pretty enough (selling short), starting to get the hang of it with the help of these lot now!

IronNeonClasp - as in "irons in the fire" I would say.

tom I don't think he is needy, I think he is keen. Does he have kids? Maybe he doesn't understand as a single mum what you have to do. I have found that with childless people. If he decides he doesn't want to wait so long and stops talking to you, then fair enough. If he carries on doesn't pressure you and you like talking to him, I guess he will wait.

I think sometimes we are too over analytical and concerned about red flags (quite rightly, a lot of us have probably had some experience of not great relationships), that we forget we can't really know what is going on in someones head and we h ave to trust that. If it goes further, great, if it doesn't it was never meant to be. I have talked to a few that have been asking for closer dates etc, but I think its they just don't appreciate what is going on in your life and vice versa, because why would we, we are strangers after all.

Keep chatting I say (no red flag yet ;)

Silver - thanks

Second thing from me is the common gripes with lady profiles that turn me and my buddies off: One photo or no photo, no profile description, superimposed puppy ears or tweetie birds, photo taken in the dark from a laptop and excessive use of text speak and poor grammar (I know these aren't just lady things)......

In meeting, I can say on every date I went on, the lady was well turned out and behaved very well (apart from one or two boozy exceptions), pre date calls helped and whilst some had nerves the only real issue was use of old photos, on a couple of occasions the person who turned up looked a little older and a little, erm, fuller-figured than photos would indicate. Again, men do this too.....

As dates turned into relationships (some short) what really surprised me was how sexually adventurous some ladies in their 40s are, really, I actually had to look some things up, and I'm no prude....