Break Out The Red Flag Bunting, It's Dating Thread 131

[VetOnCall]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread

True. I didn't want to pay and sign up to one to discover the same people

I've been on pof quite a while now and I see the same people just getting more and more bitter and damaged by it

Well mr old friend was supposed to be coming over for a film and pizza but has just text to say he had a heavy night out with mates so can we rain check it til next week 😩 he’s been single for 5 yrs and perfectly entitled to go out when he wants but it’s a major red flag for me being let down so decision made to keep him in the friend zone.

Been chatting to a few on bumble but nothing outstanding ☹️

Right everyone - I need a good talking to. I'm 60, have a good, responsible job where I have to use my brain. I've got a date arranged tomorrow with Mr very local but he doesn't drive, is off work sick coz he has a bad back - I'm really not feeling it but why do I feel obliged to turn up just because I said I would - a total stranger! I just hate letting people down - think I need some big girl pants- what to do - surely you should lol forward to a first date? Not dread it!!!

I really struggle to keep up here, but Val, don’t feel bad for doing what’s right for you, life’s too short to waste on people where you know there’s nothing there.

So, Mr Local is a lovely guy but no spark, Mr Normal the same. Another iron, Mr Charmer, who I’m meeting on Wednesday, seems pretty down to Earth so far so we will see how that pans out.

And a few new irons today, nothing particularly leaping out so far but you never know. There’s also Mr Hideously Inappropriate, no relationship prospect but some similar bedroom interests so could be fun for a bit!

Child free next weekend so hoping to sort a date or two!

Val consider this your good talking to: I had a date last night. I was not feeling it. I phoned a friend, she said just go, what have you got to lose? Well, I'll tell you: two hours of my life, £25 in minicabs and a boring conversation......oh, and he was definitely older than the photo and his supposed age......

You don't know him, you never ever have to meet him and the bad back is surely a great reason to suggest that you should cancel........ do it, do it, do it! He is a stranger and you can let strangers down - you owe him nothing whatsoever. Trust your gut... wish I had!

Val - mr very local was the unemployed racist, right?

There is a minuscule chance you'll actually fancy him and like him enough to want to see him again, assuming that the foreigners comment was just a misunderstanding of some sort. Minuscule. Tiny. Infintesimal.

If I were you I'd say that you've thought about it a bit more and you think your world views are just a bit too different, wish him all the best, and move on. It's not letting him down if it's really not going to lead to anything, is it?

Val I am similar to you, I have met up with several men that obviously haven’t got much going for them and the date has usually conformed my fears. If I was you I would cancel, make up an excuse or say “actually I don’t think we are suited” ,I have started doing this, I feel a little bit guilty but I don’t want to end up with another cocklodger.

So today I was reading a local newspaper that has a ‘lonely hearts’ type thing in it, many years ago this used to have many adds on it from people of all ages, I actually found it funny reading, “Richard, 60 something, looking for a naughty lady, can be discrete....” ,almost all of them were the same (possibly the same person?) there’s no one under 50 and none of them seem to be looking for a relationship.

It gets worse - I asked to meet in the car park coz I didn't want to walk into a pub to meet someone I didn't know and he asked me why - I don't swear much but FFS

skyrabbit I am the same age and get exactly the same thing. I'm starting to think mid/late 40s is almost the worst time for a woman to be online dating. You either get men who want a MILF or much older men. Men the same age as us who don't want kids are few and far between!

dodo I personally think Match and Guardian Soulmates are the best for serious daters but I do think it depends on your age (I'm mid/late 40s). I think if you are younger there are better sites. Don't do eharmony whatever you do!

runs that is so exciting! Hope he gets in touch.

val I would definitely cancel. I'm really choosy about who I meet now. I had one awful days, on Boxing Day. I was unsure about going but did. I stayed an hour. Unless you get a really good feeling about it, I'd say it's just not worth it. But that's just me. I don't have much free time, so for me it has to be someone I feel I really want to meet.

apologies if this has been posted before, but i found it interesting

markmanson.net/fuck-yes

Really called him out about not meeting in me in car park - have to be honest - he gave me a really nice reply - so I'll meet up up and take it from there - the racism chat should be interesting- I'm not afraid of voicing my opinions lol

Well! I was feeling absolutely low yesterday after the no-show but the bloke today was sooo nice. I may have asked for a kiss. I need to not get over excited. Terrified. I really struggle to not get emotionally attached. Agh! He is so perfect for me. Similar humour; has a kid; seems kind. Oh god. I will just concentrate on having fun but my god I want this to work. What a twit I am. Come on Locotion, stay grounded.

runs How bloody exciting! Fingers crossed!

locotion

Rules 2, 3 and 4. You've met the guy once. It's great to be excited and to have that thrill of a good date, but - if you get so emotionally involved so quickly, then you run the risk of crashing to the ground hard when you find out he's married or shit in bed or a member of BNP or just looking for a quick shag.

You don't know him well enough yet to know, absolutely 100% that none of the above is true. You've only met him once. Don't get too carried away after one date. Next time - if there is a next time - check if he's rude to the waitress, how often he sees his family. Whether he sees that kid very often or is his ex a psycho?

Stay grounded and check for red flags

Peeps I know, I know but after a few shaky messages, will meet up - he just sounds so desperate

Are you really looking for someone desperate, val?

Hey folks here's a question....how do you tell what a normal level of interest/communication is? After a long spell in dating minefields.
Met a guy - not old friend of a friend the cut out the boring bits. Took ages to meet up. He cancelled the first date - I was a bit annoyed but couldn't be helped. I fully expected him to cancel the second attempt. Sent me evidence that the time didn't work - I replied with oh that's funny my meeting has just been cancelled - he bit my arm off to meet me that day - bang on time and it was lovely. Just coffee in a bar in the day. We discussed another date and worked out some days. He text later to say he liked me and wanted to go out again.
Over the weekend not much texting - he told me he would be very busy.
I sound fucking unhinged now don't I.....last serious partner was full on narc so I'm used to constant smothering contact!!

My RL iron messaged me. We're meeting next weekend. I didn't get much a of chance to talk to him last night as my friends were being very distracting behind him. But we've exchanged a few messages and he sounds lovely.

It is strange meeting someone like that. I have no preconceived ideas about him based on a few photos and words from a OLD profile. All I know is what he looks like and what he's told me today. I don't even know how old he is yet.

Oh Runs that's cool! I do hope it goes well.

VAL consider this a virtual slap round the face with a wet fish. This man is a lazy, workshy, racist, needy, non conforming to the one thing you've asked of him grade A non-starter. There is a REASON he is desperate and that is ^^ all of the above ^^^ You aren't going to feel less sorry for him when you have to say no to a 2nd date with the loser. Are you going to end up married because you didn't like to say no

^ahem^ anyway I have questions!

1 - at what point does someone count as an iron?

2 - at what point are they no longer an iron but also not a partner? After a single date? 2? Mooseburgers??

3 - on Match what's the protocol for dealing with nice messages from men you would have zero attraction for?? I feel rude not answering but don't want to get sucked into conversation if there is zero chance?!

1. when they've asked you for a date
2. when you're assuming you'll see each other again but haven't discussed exclusivity. (Mooseburgers, incidentally, is the term used for sex which leads to being dumped. It's used incorrectly in here)
3. do not reply at all. It's slightly harsh, but leads to less complications. Think of it like just not replying to someone unattractive who politely asked for your number as you walked down the street.

val - I agree with silverdale. Don't date out of pity. And don't date out of desperation.

Thank you bant, it is good advice but oh so hard for emotional types like me. I will try awfully hard.

There were one or two areas which I need to delve into (had problems with drink a while ago but not anymore...) but he seems to have an amicable relationship with his ex & was polite & respectful.

I will try to keep grounded & be cool. I am awfully terrified of being used or dumped but I canny help that.