Break Out The Red Flag Bunting, It's Dating Thread 131

[VetOnCall]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread

lovesmusic you have just reminded me it is kinder to say goodbye politely. I don't think people deliberately don't reply- I think people find it awkward and don't want to start a debate about why they aren't suitable

cakes honestly that is hysterical. Eharmony, which is hideous, appeared seems to be liking people on my behalf. There's a bloke in Surrey it says I liked (I didn't) and he has now liked me back and his ENTIRE profile is littered with 'lol'. So it says 'I like football lol' 'I like cars lol' - what do people say about you 'I'm nice lol'. I despair I really do! And I'm mid/late 40s and so is he!

Sorry posting on my phone and it's virtually impossible to read what I'm writing!

Sums it up really...

48 hours of no POF or Tinder and in two minds about it. As I didn't find anyone decent in 2.5 years I don't feel I'm missing much but on the other hand I'm feeling pretty low about being alone forever. Found a bristley hair in my chin yesterday, my friend said it was a sign of the menopause and my hormones changing so feeling even worse. Can't seem to shift this feeling of gloom.

Good luck with the date kitten, I bet she's as nervous as you.

And I don't know tom, I've been ghosted as I just don't know why people can't be decent and honest. You don't expect everyone to like you or to want to further things, but how hard is it to be nice and send a polite text?

Pop I get hairs on my chin, I’m only 36 and have been getting the odd hair for a few years, not necessarily the menopause (or I hope not). I’m trying to come to terms with being on my own forever, I’m not too bothered right now, I miss being close to someone but I don’t miss having to answer to someone, tell someone where I’m going and having to put the toilet seat down, being on my own isn’t too bad.

Another one who has to occasionally pluck my chin. The best way to check is in the car rear view mirror. Mother fuckers come overnight and I am 39.

That reminds me to check before Sunday. Mr 25 is planning to come over late afternoon and stay the night! He might bottle it but I don't think so. Age is only a number, right??

Went out last night for dinner with Mr old friend and it was really nice, easy conversation, he seemed really nervous which was sweet. I go between thinking dating him would be nice comfy and easy to worrying that I’m only considering dating him as he’s safe and that it could ruin a good friendship 🤷‍♀️ I’ve asked him if he wants to come to mine on Sunday and I’ll cook - poor sod!!

A whisker on your chin? You lot don't know you're born 😀

Smeaton, Kin and I have to scrape ours off with a sharpened bit of metal, every morning, or we'll look like cavemen.

(Although in my case I have a beard so I just have to trim round the edges)

I have a potential date, but she lives in London. Too far away really but she's attractive and interesting and amusing. I think she's read WMLB though as she's happily agreed to a date but is being coy about reading messages now I've actually set a time. And whilst this would annoy me, I've got that irritating little bit in the back of my head actually getting more interested in her now she's not responding.

It's a very primitive thing. Men want to pursue, women want to be pursued. The intellectual part of me wants to get annoyed that we were messaging back and forth and now I've set a date she's possibly playing games. The primitive bit sees it as a challenge and enjoys the chase.

God, we're a ridiculous species.

pop I get hairs on my chin sometimes and found a long one on my cheek a while ago
I know what you mean about not wanting to be alone. I'm the same, but I fear I'm trying too hard. My sensible side says I should take a break from OLD, but it is quite addictive.

Saw this on FB and it's great advice:-
The MAJOR RED FLAG you should NEVER ignore in a man!

Basically, it goes on about the 'One day wager' - hoping that one day your 'fella/girl' will change just because you want them to.

Tom I read WMMarryB and I read the advice on too much affection on the first date as making it too easy for your date. The challenge is supposed to be the chase and then the reward? There was some mention in WMMB about delaying affection means men feel more special.

Thanks falcon that does make sense. Unfortunately I was a bit drunk so any common sense went out of the window. He did try to touch me elsewhere and I put an immediate stop to that. However I will learn from this. I won't get too drunk and I won't snog! It's all such a game isn't it?

I think I'm trying too hard too tom - there's a space in my heart now the DC have flown the nest and I'm trying too hard to fill it.

When I meet someone I try so hard to keep the chat going and it's the same online - I realise I always ask the questions to keep the conversations going but for what? If they were that interested they'd be messaging me equally wouldn't they?

Tempted go out on my own tomorrow night just to see what's out there IRL but not sure if that's a good idea or not. Part of me wants to stay in drinking wine and wearing pjs; the other part wants to make an effort.

And thanks for the reassure about The Hair guys 🙂

Ah, but then she comes back with a rejection of the first date, and then I make a counteroffer, and she says that's difficult too.

Which could be her rejecting me, which seems weird as she'd been suggesting we meet in the first place. Or it could be her playing too hard to get. At which point I go from suitably entertained to 'ok, nevermind' and losing all interest.

There is a lack of women who seem interesting and funny and attractive, and - crucially- not playing some game. Racking up the number of invitations to dates, or wanting to be taken out to break up the monotony. As soon as game-playing enters the realms of possibility, then I'll start wondering whether they're being manipulative, in which case I've lost all interest. Because the next one I speak to won't be so manipulative.

So. Binned.

Next

Tom Yes it is a game. Sometimes I think despite all this, if you meet the right person, it won't matter what you do/don't do on the first date. At least you had a good date!

I've also begun to give less away on the first date about me as a person. There's a quote something along the lines of 'not everyone has the right to know about you.' That's more important for me than whether I have snogged them or not. And if they then don't call, I won't overinvested as they know less about me.

And yet I've not asked someone out on a second date because they're too guarded on a first date. I'll tell people anything they ask, because I think it's important to get to know someone, and that means honesty and upfrontedness, and if I feel they're closed and guarded on date one, I'll assume that's just how they are generally.

And I'm almost always right, in my experience. I broke up with someone last year because they were so guarded and closed off. I'd thought so on the first date but then went out with them more, and always felt they were too closed. And so eventually I called things off, having wished I'd gone with my initial instincts.

That's really good advice falcon, it's easy to be very open and give a lot away. I guess we learn from every date. And when we meet the right person it will all be worth it.

popcorn I am sure you will meet someone. I'm the same as you, I try to keep conversations going. Eventually I do just give up, as I can get bored easily. And you're right, we will know if they are interested in us. It can all be so soul destroying though. I am tempted to take a bit of a break, so I can start to enjoy it again when I come back to it.

bant I don't know how old you are but I wouldn't tolerate that amount of ridiculous game playing that she was doing.

I think thought that some people are guarded - I've just asked someone on a second date but warned them I am a bit backwards about coming forwards if that makes sense. But I think if you have got to 6/9 months and still v guarded then that is a problem.

How old are you popcorn - I have chin hairs that literally spring up over night. My daughter helps pluck them (I remember doing the same for my aunt!). Dreading her going off to uni this year - who will help pluck it then!

I agree that some people are guarded. Men, and women.

But I'm not. I talk openly about stuff, and my take on that quote 'not everyone has the right to know about me' is that it's completely true, which is why I don't give my bank details out on the phone. But if I want to meet someone good, then I'll tell them about who I am, and let them decide whether I'm right for them, while I'm deciding whether they're right for me. And if they choose to not tell me who they are then they're automatically wrong for me.

I can tell people about my background and my hopes and fears and thoughts on life without giving them power over me. I just won't give them my bank card

I'm 48 daffo - it's not so much the hair itself, more the fact it coincided with a particularly low period for me in OLD and it all feels a bit final and over for me somehow.

It's ridiculous isn't it - I'm sure we're all interesting and attractive and funny and non-game playing bant - we do exist out there in the wasteland of OLD but we all keep on encountering the man-child, the CBAs and the emotionally retarded fuckwits that bring us to our knees. And not in a good way 😉

What I quite like about Guardian Soulmates is it has a bit in the profile where you say whether you've been an open book. Like you bant I am an open book - I think it's why the man, who is lovely and emotionally v good at communicating but lied about his age, is doing my head in a bit as I just can't do lying

popcorn I know what you mean but take heart as those bloody chin hairs appear whether you are the happiest in the world or the saddest! I am just amazed how quickly they grow and how painful they are when you pluck them. It's like they are attached to your brain. Hope you have some luck soon. It is a v frustrating process OLD.

Oh I know, popcorn. Many women arent game players. Just as many men aren't.

The problem is that the ones who get all the attention are the ones who play games. And OLD exacerbates that. So if I'm talking to a woman who is attractive and interesting, she's being talked to by a bunch of other blokes. Some will ignore me, some will get into a conversation with me and be chatted at by other men, while I'm oblivious. And of course other women are messaging me, some are attractive

I can't do multiple conversations but others can.

At Smeaton's nightclub, every person on the dance floor is chatting to and dancing with dozens of people simultaneously, and none of them can see each other. Some are playing games, some aren't.

And everyone can go and google a funny response to seem wittier than they actually are.

OLD is shit. And yet still it's the only place open

OLD is shit. And yet still it's the only place open

^so sad and yet so true.

I can't do multiple conversations either, I have tried but there's always one that edges ahead and the others tail off.