I have decided to end my relationship - help me see this through

[Thisisanewbeginning]

So I am 42, due to be married this July. I have finally made the decision to end my relationship.

‘D’P is I believe a master at coercive control and emotional manipulation. He has anger issues and has never been violent to me. But he has kicked objects etc.

He belittles me, sulks, is demanding food r attention. Does nothing at home (and it’s all my fault).

Conversely he can be funny, affectionate, life and soul of a party, and ‘normal’.

I feel like I am on a wheel and I never know who I’m coming home to. Since we had a joint account (which we both put money into) I get grilled about what I’ve spent. I get accused of being reckless with money (it’s usually food). He has asked repeatedly about having my salary transferred into this account and he controls all of the money. This is because I can’t be trusted.

He wants to live a lifestyle beyond our means and we are scrimping to afford it. I have a mental health problem (depression or possibly bipolar) and I’m due for my first consultation appointment next month. I’m also in counselling.

I am not happy but I feel incredibly guilty. I own the house, car etc. I will be leaving him with nothing. He will not understand and this will be a bolt out of the blue.

I need a handhold over the next few weeks. Sorry for the essay!

You’re going to be fine

Good luck OP. I have been following since the beginning and want to wish you well. It sounds like you have planned well and have a very useful support network around you. Xx

All I can see over these few days left is how right I am to be making this decision. He is supposedly on best behaviour as believe me he isn’t stupid.

However tonight I have had 3 texts about by behaviour and how I shouldn’t be mean to people who care for me! This is because I’m not reacting to him. I’m being placid, calm and unemotional.

Can’t wait for Saturday.

I can’t begin to tag all of your names but I want you all to know how helpful, insightful and inspirational your posts have been.

My not by

Will be thinking of you and checking in on Saturday. I hope it all goes well.

This just came back to check on how you are doing and having read all your updates I'm still in awe! You say you don't feel strong but believe me you are. Please dont feel guilty about ending this relationship which clearly isn't working for you - yes he will try and make you feel guilty but his happiness/life is not your responsibility! Your first responsibility is to yourself.

Hopefully your friend will be supportive and not try and talk you out of it.

I hope this doesn't sound wrong but please dont drink too much - just in case the alcohol weakens your resolve at a time when you may be feeling particularly vulnerable and unsure

Will be thinking of you - take care

Wow just caught up with all of this. So happy for you that in 48h time you will be free of him.

Well done!

My friend is in an almost identical relationship and I so so wish she'd do the same as you.

Sorry I haven't read all the posts. Just wanted to say you are clearly making the right decision--I know how hard it is when you get the back and forth and he is buttering you up, or you see the "good" side of him which it can be hard to turn your back on. But it will never be a healthy relationship, it will always be a mindfuck until you escape from it, and you deserve better. Keep going!!!

You are making the right decision.

All the best, thinking of you in Italy - you really deserve the wonderful things life has on offer.

So tonight was a family birthday party meal. My parents and his DSS. My parents were wonderful and completely normal. As was I but I am struggling on a day to day basis functioning in work and pretending all is ok.

Not long to go now and I just want it to be over. I’ve now got so many plans in my head.

I want to cut my hair off (he liked it long). I want a tattoo of a butterfly (trashy tramp stamp).

I want to renovate my dining room floor and redecorate.

Top priority on Saturday after he is gone will be buying new bedding and getting as much money back from this wedding as possible.

I feel so duplicitous and horrid but there is no other way out of this. He isn’t the kind of person you can have a rational discussion with.

I don’t think tattoos are trashy tramp stamps btw!! That was his opinion

Time to bring out your inner rebel!
Good luck Saturday.

Thank you ferrier that made me chuckle

Good Luck OP. I'm nervous and excited for you!

Get your butterfly tattoo. What more does a butterfly symbolise than transformation. 🦋

I second the tattoo idea. Something small, somewhere private (or big and obvious if that's what you prefer!) but for you. The fact he'd hate it is a bonus. I've been taking great delight in doing the little things I know my ex would hate. It might be petty but it makes me feel sooooo much better!

OP totally rooting for you this w-end. There will be all sorts of tears and tantrums, I'm so glad that your parents are on hand and onside. You are likely to.see a side to him that you never knew existed & it will be grim. That said; this is totally the right decision. I've been where you are but sadly no MN & I was isolated from family & friends - fell pregnant and didn't have the strength to call the wedding off - biggest mistake of my life! Been divorced 8yrs and he still won't let go. Uses the children to indirectly abuse and try to control me. He was also a cocklodger & managed to hook up with someone within a very short time so don't worry about him. As others have said, let local police know that you will be splitting with a partner and he may resist leaving your home - don't hesitate to call 999 if he gets aggressive. police will escort him from your home. I have everything crossed for you hoping that he'll just go quietly. Onwards and upwards to a happiness that you deserve. You've got this!

I LOVE the butterfly tattoo idea!

I went through a really horrible time during my early 20s for reasons I won't go into here, but as part of my 'recovery' for want of a better word, I had a sun tattoo done. Might sound cheesy but for me it meant that 'The sun comes up every day and so will I.'

1 day to go and you will be free to be you again. Good luck! [flower]

They do say however, don't make any major decisions rapidly after emotional upheaval !
Also, He may go quietly, butyou need to be ready for "Love Bombing", or more likely, harassment, threats, facebook slanging off, lie telling, spreading gossip. money disappearing from your bank account, & damage of your property.
It will get better, but not necessarily tomorrow.
Think Grey Rock, ignore, shut down, detach.
If he is stalking or dangerous, report immediately to the police
Just thank the Lord you have no DC with this person

I’ve always wanted a tattoo and hair grows if I don’t like it!

I feel nauseous today because I know when he leaves for work tonight I will be packing stuff and hiding the bags. But from where I started I am so nearly there.

I know this won’t be the end of it. I’ll be under pressure to get back together etc etc. But I’ll be able to breathe in my own house.

He was very keen on children and I’m glad I dodged that bullet. Having dc would have kept him forever in my life. And shouldering the financial burden alone.

Wishing you well for later.
It really will be a new beginning

Huge respect for you - you're so focussed, and your new future is going to be AMAZING!

Lots of good wishes for this weekend!