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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have decided to end my relationship - help me see this through

753 replies

Thisisanewbeginning · 13/03/2018 23:19

So I am 42, due to be married this July. I have finally made the decision to end my relationship.

‘D’P is I believe a master at coercive control and emotional manipulation. He has anger issues and has never been violent to me. But he has kicked objects etc.

He belittles me, sulks, is demanding food r attention. Does nothing at home (and it’s all my fault).

Conversely he can be funny, affectionate, life and soul of a party, and ‘normal’.

I feel like I am on a wheel and I never know who I’m coming home to. Since we had a joint account (which we both put money into) I get grilled about what I’ve spent. I get accused of being reckless with money (it’s usually food). He has asked repeatedly about having my salary transferred into this account and he controls all of the money. This is because I can’t be trusted.

He wants to live a lifestyle beyond our means and we are scrimping to afford it. I have a mental health problem (depression or possibly bipolar) and I’m due for my first consultation appointment next month. I’m also in counselling.

I am not happy but I feel incredibly guilty. I own the house, car etc. I will be leaving him with nothing. He will not understand and this will be a bolt out of the blue.

I need a handhold over the next few weeks. Sorry for the essay!

OP posts:
rainbowruthie · 23/03/2018 14:09

Sending you all good wishes, stay strong, tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of your life Star

comingintomyown · 23/03/2018 14:48

Good luck OP you sound determined and you will need to be when the sequence of events you predicted a few pages comes to pass hope you will have someone with you for physical support

Dvg · 23/03/2018 14:53

You own the house and car and he is being controlling about money?? PFFT tell him to pack his bags and jog on.. Life is so not too short to deal with that shit

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 23/03/2018 16:22

Yes that’s exactly what I’m doing.

Will still need contact as he has furniture etc to remove. If it isn’t within a timely fashion it will be donated.

I’ve come home early so I’ve had time to buy 2 rolls of bin bags etc

Spoke to WA today they were really helpful and confirmed this isn’t ‘normal’ behaviour. I’ve got an appointment in 2 weeks and am enrolling on the freedom course.

I feel sick but I’m committed to make my my life better. For me no one else. Doing what is right for me, for once.

Thanks you all I’ll keep you posted.

OP posts:
FranksBobot · 23/03/2018 16:45

You are an incredible, strong person op.
I wish you every success in your new life ahead.
I feel so proud of you and I don't even know You!!

MrsMozart · 23/03/2018 16:52

Just seen your thread lass.

Am rooting for you for sure.

Pashazade · 23/03/2018 17:08

Been reading and rooting for you. Just think 36 hours and you'll be done with him being in your space, even if removing him from your life completely takes longer. Keep going you are doing so well. Thanks

Haffdonga · 23/03/2018 17:41

Wishing you a smooth and calm return to yourself tomorrow. Flowers

Lanaa · 23/03/2018 18:04

Good luck tomorrow OP. Hope it goes as well as possible and you get your happiness back. Good idea about the new bedding, get some nice new pillows and a duvet too if you can. It will fell like a new bed.

FantasticButtocks · 23/03/2018 18:37

I know this won’t be the end of it. I’ll be under pressure to get back together etc etc.

I think it's best to say something that cannot be argued with and just repeat as necessary.

How you feel, what you want. NOT what he has done or what he is like. Because he can argue with those things and try to get you to see things differently.

I'm sorry but I don't love you any more

But I can change I know I've been difficult

I don't love you anymore and I can't change that

You can, I'll be better, we can change things. We can get the love back.

No. I don't want to. I don't love you now and that isn't going to change

After all I've done for you, and this is what I get. You're crazy you don't know your own mind

I know I don't love you. And this is over

I'm sorry! I need you, I think I may have a serious illness, you're everything to me.

I do not love you, and I do not want you here, and I do not want a life with you. And I won't be marrying you

But but but but....

I don't want to be with you, I don't love you, I won't marry you, I don't want you living in my house, I need you to go

But where am I supposed to go? What will I do? You can't be serious...after all this time you're just going to chuck me out, you'll never find anyone better.

I. Do. Not. Love. You. Please. Go.

But the wedding! I love you! I'll do anything!

I. Don't. Want. You. You need to go. It's over.

Don't be drawn into discussion. Just decide what you want to say and keep saying it.

Very best of luck! Flowers

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 23/03/2018 20:07

Thank you fantasticbuttocks really helpful. Fantastic username too Grin

OP posts:
Zoo33 · 23/03/2018 20:19

Wow @FantasticButtocks That conversation was pretty much the one I had when I left my ex. They're so predictable!

rascallyrascal · 23/03/2018 20:25

Fantasticbuttocks - excellent advice

FantasticButtocks · 23/03/2018 20:38
Grin
FantasticButtocks · 23/03/2018 20:44

You need to not get drawn in to feeling guilty or justifying anything. Flowers

Obviously, one wouldn't normally break up with someone in this way...but for someone like him, it needs to be very definite and give no room for argument or discussing the ins and outs. Decide beforehand that you do not care what he says he thinks of you be it harsh, sneaky, unfair, stupid, cruel, dishonest or whatever he wants to throw at you. Fine, but you want out. You are out. If he thinks you're a bitch, so be it.

Mix56 · 23/03/2018 20:51

Buttocks is completely right ! not as easy as it might sound, but one line answers,
Its not working for me, NO, this is the way it is,I have nothing to say

BiologyMatters · 23/03/2018 20:58

You're amazing op. You know you're doing the right thing. After i left my controlling ex the first thing i did was have my hair cut off short. He also liked long hair on women. It felt like a brilliant way of sticking two fingers up at him. Get your tattoo and your amazing hair cut. Im glad you're enrolled on the freedom programme too. I hope you have a fab time on your Italian craft holiday! Smile

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 23/03/2018 21:04

So that was a really hard evening. Pretending to be normal while counting the minutes until he leaves to go to work. I’m now going to get very little sleep while I pack up as many bags as possible and hide them in the understairs cupboard.

I am so close and without my cheerleading squad who have had such insight and advice I would probably have minimised and be sleep walking into a marriage I don’t want.

I’ll keep you posted on the events tomorrow

OP posts:
BiologyMatters · 23/03/2018 21:05

Good luck! Every item you put in a bag is one step closer to getting your life back Smile

MrsMozart · 23/03/2018 21:21

Thinking of you lass.

newmumintown · 23/03/2018 22:41

Good luck, i will be thinking of you tomorrow. You're amazing and deserve so much more.

WellThisIsShit · 23/03/2018 23:11

It will be so much easier once you’ve done it. This waiting bit is awful with all the pent up anticipation and Adrenalin with nowhere to go ...

prettymess · 24/03/2018 04:02

Thinking of you Flowers

Zofloraqueen27 · 24/03/2018 04:13

Go girl!!! Hope it isn’t too awful today This and the knowledge you have so many supporters here helps and encourages you. The whole exciting rest of your life is about to start.

MaryPeary · 24/03/2018 07:32

As you have a joint bank account, check that he can't run up an overdraft and leave you liable for it.

The Money Advice Service has a page on protecting your finances during separation for cohabitees. You can tell your bank that you want to keep the account open, but that any expenditure beyond a certain limit needs permission from you.

Good luck today.

If he says he has nowhere to go, have you decided what you will say? Will he have enough money to get himself a Travelodge room? Transport to get himself away? It's not your problem, but I'm just thinking of excuses he might make for why he can't leave straight away.

Every woman who decides she doesn't have to put up with crap like this inspires others in the future. You're raising standards for other women too, not just yourself.