I have decided to end my relationship - help me see this through

[Thisisanewbeginning]

So I am 42, due to be married this July. I have finally made the decision to end my relationship.

‘D’P is I believe a master at coercive control and emotional manipulation. He has anger issues and has never been violent to me. But he has kicked objects etc.

He belittles me, sulks, is demanding food r attention. Does nothing at home (and it’s all my fault).

Conversely he can be funny, affectionate, life and soul of a party, and ‘normal’.

I feel like I am on a wheel and I never know who I’m coming home to. Since we had a joint account (which we both put money into) I get grilled about what I’ve spent. I get accused of being reckless with money (it’s usually food). He has asked repeatedly about having my salary transferred into this account and he controls all of the money. This is because I can’t be trusted.

He wants to live a lifestyle beyond our means and we are scrimping to afford it. I have a mental health problem (depression or possibly bipolar) and I’m due for my first consultation appointment next month. I’m also in counselling.

I am not happy but I feel incredibly guilty. I own the house, car etc. I will be leaving him with nothing. He will not understand and this will be a bolt out of the blue.

I need a handhold over the next few weeks. Sorry for the essay!

I really hope my friend hasn’t given anything away.

I’ve been looking at single holidays for the summer. Possibly a craft holiday in Italy when the wedding should have been. It’s been quite fun looking and should be affordable with the money back from the honeymoon. It’s also something he would have never been remotely interested in but that I would really enjoy 😊

Make sure when you have asked him to leave, make sure you have both your car keys and change the locks on your front and back doors, just in case he has made extra copies!

I advise quiet removal of keys prior to having 'the conversation'. He will get them duplicated if he's able to.

I just wanted to say that I've been following the thread since the beginning and come back to read updates.

The bath thing made me my blood go cold and he can definitely tell you are losing interest. I can pretty much guarantee you ending it won't be the end of things, the crying, the pleading, the suicide threats will all start until he finds someone new.

Please stay strong OP you're totally doing the right thing.

Reading the posts is really helping me see clearly as at the moment he is being really caring, affectionate and calm.

It’s just one side of the coin though.

It’s this Saturday that is the day he is going. Dad is coming over and ‘DP’ will be leaving, I’ve had enough I’m tired and too old for mind games. My blinkers are off, I may be single but at least I wil be me. Im too old for this shit.

Wish me luck.

And thank you for all your support I’m going to need it over the next week

Please stay strong This. I have actually shuddered when I read some of your posts and I am truly pleased that you have seen this man for what he really is.

Please do not let him railroad you into feeling sorry for him. He is absolutely vile and not worth your love or attention at all.

His turn of behaviour from being so controlling to being caring and calm is truly scary. You know he will make a scene, act shocked and upset but it is just an act to keep you under his control. What a frightening prospect.

Could your dad possibly stay over with you this weekend? I have a horrible feeling he might try to get back into your house to try and talk you around once he thinks you are all alone. (Scary) Please be very careful about security. It would be a good idea to change the locks as I wouldn't be surprised if he had a spare set made against such an time when you asked him to leave - I am sure he is already suspicious.

You sound a lovely caring person who deserves someone to really care for them, and not in his threatening dangerous way.

Your dad will be with you but your supporters here will all be cheering for you. Keep safe and please let us know how you are. Good luck. Ps I agree with the previous poster who mentioned the getting in the bath with you shock. Omg that scene would be worthy of a Psycho type horror movie!

Mum and dad have already said they will stay. I’ve got a friend staying from Wednesday until Friday.

After the locks are changed any further contact will be about furniture. Anything beyond that will be a 101 call.

I’m sad but I look at the future and I’m excited, scared but excited.

I want to be me again

Sending you all good wishes

Oh OP I really feel for you, these last few days will be hard, he'll have felt the shift in power and notch up the charm offensive. Keep your list of his bad behaviour in your mind and keep reminding yourself that this is HIS fault, he has had every chance to behave like a proper human being. Do you have a full plan in place?
You are so brave.

Good luck for this weekend!

Absolutely newmum he has come home today and is asking if my recent behaviour (grey rock) is payback.

He also is asking for hugs. What is wrong with me. And have I been going to the pub on the way home! Or drinking in the car!!!

On the GP front he came back with no prescription but is being sent for blood tests.

I’m glad to hear you’ve set a date for the deed.

Was really worried to hear about this friend apparently coming to stay with the pair of you over Easter who doesn’t seem to be in your confident organs your best interests at heart. That situation would have gone south very quickly and turned into a pressure cooker turned onto you with both your ‘friend’ and this man forcing you into toeing the line extremely quickly.

Sounded like you were sleep walking into thinking just because this person is supposed to be your friend that she would behave appropriately when in your home. I’ve seen it before, someone blunders in, ignorant of reality, and decides she knows what’s best for everyone going half on her own motives and half being easily manipulated by the abuser, and turns into a force of bullying and manipulation all of her own, thinking she’s ‘doing what’s right’ and ‘you’ll thank her for it later’.

Don’t go sleep walking into this situation. It will be awful and will do you harm.

Accusing you of drinking in the car is actually hilarious, (sorry.) ...that is such a cliché. accusing you of anything so ridiculous,
But he is on to something, make sure you change the passwords on your phone & computer, there is no joint iCloud or whatsapp, you don't want him getting wind of this "ending" before you are ready & safe.
Hide anything precious, esp documents, make sure he has no access to you bank info.
Onwards & upwards

He looks in the mirror, sees his face looks dirty, tries to clean the mirror. Any explanation except that his behaviour has driven you to this.

Quick update I’ve told my boss at work what is going on. I expect I’m not going to be on top form over the next few weeks.

I’ve got a counselling session on Thursday so I’ll talk there about how to make this as least distressing (for me) as possible.

Not long to go now and I feel really weird. It’s a bit like I’m having an out of body experience!

Hang on in there! You're doing so well. You've got everything lined up, you have support from your family, you have counselling lined up, you have told work what's going on.

You rock!

Thanks it’s really helped knowing you guys are cheering me on and keeping me on track.

yes, we are cheering you on! stay strong. grey rock. yes he does know something's up because you're not engaging so be careful. i wouldn't speak to anyone other than your parents about your plans. you don't want them scuppered.

good luck

Hope it all goes well. It will so good to get him out of your house.

Good idea to give work a heads up. You’re probably running on adrenaline at the moment but it may well hit you a few weeks down the line and may need a bit of time to deal with things. I hope your boss is supportive.

Just dropping in to say I've been reading this OP and am really rooting for you. Stay strong, you'll be fine. Think how serene you'll feel when all this is done.

I’ve met with my parents this morning to finalise plans for the weekend. All getting close now and I feel quite nauseous. I am anxious about the actual getting him to leave part and I’m also hating the waiting. But not long now.

Did you speak to women's aid? They may jave some last minute advice, e.g. they may give your local police station a heads up just in case of any trouble