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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have decided to end my relationship - help me see this through

753 replies

Thisisanewbeginning · 13/03/2018 23:19

So I am 42, due to be married this July. I have finally made the decision to end my relationship.

‘D’P is I believe a master at coercive control and emotional manipulation. He has anger issues and has never been violent to me. But he has kicked objects etc.

He belittles me, sulks, is demanding food r attention. Does nothing at home (and it’s all my fault).

Conversely he can be funny, affectionate, life and soul of a party, and ‘normal’.

I feel like I am on a wheel and I never know who I’m coming home to. Since we had a joint account (which we both put money into) I get grilled about what I’ve spent. I get accused of being reckless with money (it’s usually food). He has asked repeatedly about having my salary transferred into this account and he controls all of the money. This is because I can’t be trusted.

He wants to live a lifestyle beyond our means and we are scrimping to afford it. I have a mental health problem (depression or possibly bipolar) and I’m due for my first consultation appointment next month. I’m also in counselling.

I am not happy but I feel incredibly guilty. I own the house, car etc. I will be leaving him with nothing. He will not understand and this will be a bolt out of the blue.

I need a handhold over the next few weeks. Sorry for the essay!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 04/04/2018 08:56

All we need to do is go to counselling together. Then if I help him to get better he will contribute financially and ‘help’ around the house....

I mean who could resist Grin

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 04/04/2018 08:58

Take your dad, or a trusted friend with yiu, when you get your money back. Then delete and block him. I am glad you are seeing how much life is better for yiu, without him in it. Yes it certainly sounds like you were his meal ticket. Don't reply other to arrange a time and date for money collection, keep messages totally neutral. There is a saying about acting like a grey rock to abusers, emotionless, curt and to the point.

RandomMess · 04/04/2018 08:58

GrinGrinGrinGrinGrinGrinthat is hilarious!

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 04/04/2018 08:59

It’s too painful to meet me in person so I’ve asked for it to be transferred into my account. If he takes the piss I’ll contact his family and they’ll give him an earful.

I suspect the only reason he has cancelled the holiday is because I contacted his cousin. It was his last bargaining chip. If he keeps all the money well it just proves what a twunt he is. To me and to them. If any back then it’s a small compensation for the last 3 years.

I’m not holding my breath but at least now my name won’t be associated with an unpaid debt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 04/04/2018 09:01

It’s not painful for me btw. Its too painful for the 42yr old snowflake I have evicted into the cold hard world.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/04/2018 09:03
Grin
Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 04/04/2018 09:07

Oh and he asked me how to sort out car insurance!!! I told him it was time he grew up and figured it out for himself.

Seriously I could not make this shit up! I am so much happier I feel like I’ve got my life back GrinGrin

OP posts:
shushpenfold · 04/04/2018 09:10

Have just read this thread...well done OP!! I’ve luckily never had to do this but can totally picture you. Stay strong and keep ignoring/dealing/managing. Xxx

Aeroflotgirl · 04/04/2018 09:17

Wow, yiu are well shot of him. Just delete and block him. Tell his family to tell him to stop harassing you or you will go to the Police.

HonkyWonkWoman · 04/04/2018 09:17

What a drip!
A "grown man" doesn't know how to insure a car.
What a total waste of space.
He's making me disgusted, never mind you!
Well done for getting rid of this leech.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/04/2018 09:19

He has lost far more, than yiu have, he knows that. Tough. Of course, there is always a psycho ex. I would be very wary of a man who talked about his ex in that way. With dh ex, he just said it dident work out, nothing more was said, they had no kids.

MrsPreston11 · 04/04/2018 09:53

So glad everything is getting rounded up. How did it go with your dog?

My only concern......

Sounds like you're having a lot of contact with him.

You need to stop all the messaging. Block and move on.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/04/2018 09:56

Now delete and block him.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/04/2018 09:57

Don't keep allowing him to contact out you

WellThisIsShit · 04/04/2018 10:05

Well he sounds utterly draining!!!

It’s like he just cannot believe that you won’t be called to heel. He didn’t do a very good job at training any person or animal in his power did he?! HmmAngry That’s the trouble with arrogant little shits though, they take no care because they think the world already revolves around them.

Maybe it’s good he didn’t try that hard, as you’d have had trouble disguising the urge to kick him in the balls in response!

You’re doing so well. Keep going. Peel off those revolting clinging little hands. Ugh...

MrsMozart · 04/04/2018 10:11

An interesting chap. Maybe (just maybe!), if he'd taken it as the wake up call he so obviously needed and actually looked at himself and started to address his issues, then (just maybe), you'd have remembered what you fell in love with. As it is, you've doged a life wrecking bullet.

Daisymay2 · 04/04/2018 10:41

Agree it is time to cut contact. Has he sent you a message or email confirming he does not want the furniture and you can dispose of it. If not ask the cousin or whoever to get him to do so. Same with the money.
Then one last email to say not to contact you again by any means- letters flowers, gifts, messages either home, work or via your family. And block on everything you can think of!

Zaphodsotherhead · 04/04/2018 11:17

I just think it's amazing the way these men float through their lives wasting money, being controlling about stuff, being angry and sulky and yet as soon as they are kicked out they 'realise what they did wrong' and want counselling to help you to put them right!

Yet they never bother to seek help, or even acknowledge that there is a problem, until they are out on their arses.

Funny, that.

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 04/04/2018 11:47

I am sad and I’ve just cried for the first time. My lovely boy passed his assessment and is now going to be trained as a detection dog.
I’m so proud of him and glad he is going to have a life I cannot give him.
Still fucking hurts though.

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 04/04/2018 11:47

I'm hoping your springy boy has passed his assessment with flying colours. Being a working boy sounds like it would be an ideal happy new beginning for him. Ironic that you are having to sort out the rehoming of his dog.

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 04/04/2018 11:48

Saying goodbye to my ted was so much harder than kicking that idiot out.

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 04/04/2018 11:48

Oh crossed post Shock

Well done your boy and big hugs to you. It will be an enormous wrench but the right thing for him.

Pashazade · 04/04/2018 12:13

So tough giving up your pup but what a brilliant thing to have him doing. He will be such a happy dog. Big hugs. You made the right decision for him.

dizzy174 · 04/04/2018 12:21

you are sounding so upbeat thisis. totally different from the first time you posted. you are amazing!!!

MrsMozart · 04/04/2018 12:35

You've done the right thing for the boy. Completely get that it still fucking hurts though.