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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have decided to end my relationship - help me see this through

753 replies

Thisisanewbeginning · 13/03/2018 23:19

So I am 42, due to be married this July. I have finally made the decision to end my relationship.

‘D’P is I believe a master at coercive control and emotional manipulation. He has anger issues and has never been violent to me. But he has kicked objects etc.

He belittles me, sulks, is demanding food r attention. Does nothing at home (and it’s all my fault).

Conversely he can be funny, affectionate, life and soul of a party, and ‘normal’.

I feel like I am on a wheel and I never know who I’m coming home to. Since we had a joint account (which we both put money into) I get grilled about what I’ve spent. I get accused of being reckless with money (it’s usually food). He has asked repeatedly about having my salary transferred into this account and he controls all of the money. This is because I can’t be trusted.

He wants to live a lifestyle beyond our means and we are scrimping to afford it. I have a mental health problem (depression or possibly bipolar) and I’m due for my first consultation appointment next month. I’m also in counselling.

I am not happy but I feel incredibly guilty. I own the house, car etc. I will be leaving him with nothing. He will not understand and this will be a bolt out of the blue.

I need a handhold over the next few weeks. Sorry for the essay!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 02/04/2018 16:04

Camouflage? Confused
No longer that was supposed to be Grin

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/04/2018 16:15

Fantastic!

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 02/04/2018 17:26

And now I am being bombarded with messages about how horrible I am being. How can I be so emotionless, look through him, not want to help him.

He actually got on his knees (twice) and begged. And fake cried (no tears).

I am soooo well rid of him. Spoke to DSS mum today and dropped off some of his clothes. Ex has basically dumped DSS said he has no money or home so can’t see him. Well he has bought a car, what’s wrong with the park? He is a twunt of the first order.

OP posts:
rascallyrascal · 02/04/2018 17:28

OP you are amazing. What a sad individual your ex is! Kneeling? Really!!

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 02/04/2018 17:30

Really, because every sane woman wants a man who begs and hollers like a toddler about how only she can save him.

Ffs I must have been insane to be with him for so long!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 02/04/2018 17:32

And I am raging mad that he has said he cannot see his son because of me chucking him out.

Emotional blackmail of the first order. And I am not owning it. His choice and DSS won’t forget what a crap dad he is.

OP posts:
Zoo33 · 02/04/2018 17:51

Anyone who would use his own son for emotional blackmail isn't worth the time of day. That's disgusting and you're well rid (although you already know that)! What's worse is that he clearly thinks it might work on you.

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 02/04/2018 17:54

Agreed zoo how are you doing?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 02/04/2018 17:56

And hell will freeze over before I get manipulated by my emotions for a child to suit his needs.

It might sound harsh but DSS has a mum. I will not sacrifice my life to fix him, his relationship with his son, his pride, or his free ride

OP posts:
MachineBee · 02/04/2018 18:02

What is it with these type of men? Are they so deluded that they think a good women won’t see through their antics? Stay strong OP.

spacecadet48 · 02/04/2018 19:54

Thisisanewbeginning you are brilliant!

Zoo33 · 02/04/2018 19:59

You're totally right - it's not your problem. The poor boy has a mother who will look out for him whatever his bastardly father does or says.

I'm doing okay, riding it out and wishing I could switch off the emotions. He seems convinced I'll contact him - I so don't want to give him the satisfaction!!

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 02/04/2018 20:09

Please don’t contact him. That feeling of relief will be quickly followed by a whole lot of remorse. He isn’t worth it.

OP posts:
Zoo33 · 02/04/2018 20:39

No he's not worth it at all. It just drives me nuts that he thinks I'll see reason and go running back to him (because he's so awesome and amazing). If I was that weak I'd never have left him in first place... It's hard but I'm not quite that pathetic! As my dad said, I need to audition new boyfriends before they're approved.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/04/2018 20:47

Wow Thisis, good on yiu, strong brave woman. Don't fall for his crap. If he threatens suicide, call the Police. Onwards and upwards.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/04/2018 20:58

If he can't figure out how to see his own kid, he is even worse than I imagined.

He is scrabbling around because he is a useless shitbag. It really isn't that difficult to sort out somewhere to live etc. Good on you for speaking to DSS mum.

And Zoo, you stay strong too.

Zoo33 · 02/04/2018 21:26

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Useless shitbag is such a perfect description. He's scrabbling and getting desperate.

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 04/04/2018 07:37

So he has finally cancelled the honeymoon (confirmed it with the travel agent). I was then subjected to a barrage of messages pleading for another chance. Claiming that all of his behaviours are related to stress and depression.
I have been accused of being cruel, heartless and just like his ex wife (which he would have never believed I could be).

And why, why won’t I just help him???

I’ve been up since 4am scouting the house for any last shred of him.

I’ve got an assessment booked for my springer boy to see if he could become a detection dog today. Sad I hope he passes and has a lovely life.

God I can’t stand the man. I’ll never be able to smell Jean Paul Galtier again without a shudder.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 04/04/2018 08:05

Well that's good he's cancelled the honeymoon. 👍

The barrage I suppose was to be expected - but God the man has no self respect or dignity does he? He's still going on. You've told him you don't love him! How much more final could it be? Why on earth does he still want to be with someone who doesn't love him for goodness sake?

Actually, it's more about control than love. He has lost that and he can't believe it! He has been desperate to regain control and every tactic has failed. bloody well done OP! Grin

I guess now honeymoon issue and furniture issue are resolved, you can block him on every avenue. And you need never hear from him again! 🎉

You are free!

RandomMess · 04/04/2018 08:09

Time to block block block - don't suppose he offered you your money back?

Fingers crossed for your springer as hard as it is for they usually are much happier being a working dog.

ThanksThanksThanksThanksThanksThanks

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 04/04/2018 08:14

He is offering some money back. But it won’t be without some attempt to ‘win’ something. A coffee, another attempt to persuade me.

It is completely about control. He cannot understand or fathom why I no longer want to be his servant. Or why after repeatedly saying sorry I won’t forgive him.

I agree about the working dog aspect. I have to do what is best for him. I would be selfish and cruel to death otherwise. Ex was planning on training him (note the word planning) so basically he did sod all with him. I love him to bits he is a great dog.

They are coming at 11 and I’m anxious!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 04/04/2018 08:15

To do no death!!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/04/2018 08:25

What are you going to do about the money then?

Arrange to meet up in a public place and send your Dad, have your Dad go with you or....

Try and reference it that you provided a puppy walking service GrinThanks

LadyLancelot · 04/04/2018 08:37

If you're such a cruel and heartless person then why is he so desperate for you to give him another chance?

squiglet111 · 04/04/2018 08:40

I would be tempted to tell him exactly why he has no chance of getting you back! Maybe then he'll leave you be when he realises your life is so much better without him in it!

Have you told him that he brought nothing positive to your life and only made you feel like a servant in your own home?

Of course he wants you back, he has lost his free home, his personal chef and house keeper!