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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have decided to end my relationship - help me see this through

753 replies

Thisisanewbeginning · 13/03/2018 23:19

So I am 42, due to be married this July. I have finally made the decision to end my relationship.

‘D’P is I believe a master at coercive control and emotional manipulation. He has anger issues and has never been violent to me. But he has kicked objects etc.

He belittles me, sulks, is demanding food r attention. Does nothing at home (and it’s all my fault).

Conversely he can be funny, affectionate, life and soul of a party, and ‘normal’.

I feel like I am on a wheel and I never know who I’m coming home to. Since we had a joint account (which we both put money into) I get grilled about what I’ve spent. I get accused of being reckless with money (it’s usually food). He has asked repeatedly about having my salary transferred into this account and he controls all of the money. This is because I can’t be trusted.

He wants to live a lifestyle beyond our means and we are scrimping to afford it. I have a mental health problem (depression or possibly bipolar) and I’m due for my first consultation appointment next month. I’m also in counselling.

I am not happy but I feel incredibly guilty. I own the house, car etc. I will be leaving him with nothing. He will not understand and this will be a bolt out of the blue.

I need a handhold over the next few weeks. Sorry for the essay!

OP posts:
PositivelyPERF · 27/03/2018 21:46

Because the poor woman is probably emotionally and physically exhausted, so can’t think straight. Yes, the ideal thing would be to phone them now, but maybe she can’t think straight. Good night, OP.

sonjadog · 27/03/2018 21:50

Some of you are really badgering the OP. Let her call the police when it suits her.

LEMtheoriginal · 27/03/2018 21:58

^this

BiologyMatters · 27/03/2018 22:00

She doesn't need to phone the police now. Its not urgent unless he turns up. It can wait till morning, stop badgering her.

WellThisIsShit · 27/03/2018 22:05

Sleep well ThisIs. You must be wrung out.

Walkaboutwendy · 27/03/2018 23:34

I would suggest you set up the email address and give it to your dad to sort out collection and then block him. You don't need this and he's not going to stop it by the looks of it. Then you can tell 101 the further steps you have taken.

Good night. Hope you get some rest, this will wait till tomorrow Flowers

Fontella · 27/03/2018 23:34

She doesn't need to phone the police now. Its not urgent unless he turns up. It can wait till morning, stop badgering her.

Well said!

kirkandpetal · 28/03/2018 07:18

Give the OP a break! She has had a few days of mass upheaval, displayed immense bravery and resolve and made a massive, positive change to her life. She must be shattered. I'm sure she appreciates all the support on this thread (and it has been lovely to see btw) but let the poor woman get some sleep so she can deal with stuff in the morning.

Celticrose · 28/03/2018 10:43

Just a thought op you mentioned earlier that you had his gun license. Do you still have it. Maybe it should be given to police. You need to discuss this when you ring 101

mammymammyIRL · 28/03/2018 11:29

OP hope you got a good nights rest Thanks

WellThisIsShit · 28/03/2018 13:54

Just thinking about you and hoping you’re having a better day today. It’s horribly draining all this stuff, don’t underestimate the toll it’s taking and be very nice and gentle to yourself.

You’re doing great! In just a few days you’ve completely changed your present and your future... from a boxed in ruddy awful drudgery and stress, to a wide open horizon. Quite the woman, you are Grin

Soooo, not surprising you’re feeling utterly shattered. You’d have a bit of ‘jet lag for the mind’ at the best of times, let alone with that bugger trying to cling onto your landing wheels... lucky you oiled those wheels before take off so he can just slide off as you zoom forwards, onwards and upwards into your new life... all those wonderful possibilities, all those chances, your life can happen now, and that’s an amazing thing Flowers

blitzen · 28/03/2018 15:05

Hi there, OP. This is my first ever post here but I have been following your thread. Getting rid of your now ex is definitely the best thing to do. I can't see if anyone else has suggested it but keep a log of all contact, back up texts if poss, take screen shots and save remotely. Please don't meet with him under any circumstances and tell 101 that he still hasn't got the message. Sending all my positive vibes to you.

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 28/03/2018 17:20

Hi everyone my lovely uncle passed away this morning. Very sad for us all but in a way a blessing. His quality of life would have been very poor had he survived.

Twatface ex is still being a pain in the arse. He contacted today to ask if could come and do some gardening. Also that he had had a panic attack because he was lonely Confused. I have rung 101 again and logged all the new incidents and it will be dealt with by the pc involved.

Also asked about his shotgun licence and whether I can hand it in. They will get back to me.

I met a friend for coffee today and have been pottering around. Still moving forwards. Have given a deadline of the 9th for all furniture removal to his family.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 28/03/2018 17:21

Sorry to hear about your uncle.

RandomMess · 28/03/2018 17:22

ThanksThanksThanksThanksThanks

As for the ex, we'll you can see we he got taken to court last time...

KOKO

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 28/03/2018 17:24

Think that was zoo’s ex from leaving a controlling relationship thread. Mine just pestered exW to death. My turn for now Angry

OP posts:
ProperLavs · 28/03/2018 17:29

well done op. I suspect your mental health issues will be miraculously lessened very soon .

spacecadet48 · 28/03/2018 18:02

Thisisanewbeginning sad news about your uncle. As for your ex I am sure you know it was never going to be easy. He will use whatever emotional blackmail to try and worm his way back in. Can you not block his number now and liaise via someone else or set up a new email that you use just to communicate with him about collecting his things?

juneau · 28/03/2018 18:11

I'm sorry to hear about your uncle OP. Flowers

I'm glad you've called 101. People like your ex never give up without a fight. He's not going to just go and stay gone, unfortunately, he's going to pester and wheedle and whine and keep hoping and trying to get back through your front door, if only because he's got nowhere else to go and every £90 a night he spends gives him new impetus to keep bothering you to let him back in.

RandomMess · 28/03/2018 18:19

Ah well perhaps this one needs taking to court this time Angry

Hugs Thanks

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 28/03/2018 18:23

Lundy has just arrived. Have also ordered the codependency book. Got WA in 2 weeks and freedom course lined up for May.

I’m reinforcing the walls and the drawbridge is staying firmly locked.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 28/03/2018 18:23

Apparently the naice hotel also takes DSS and homeless. Do suspect he isn’t paying 90!

OP posts:
Mix56 · 28/03/2018 18:26

Sorry to hear about your uncle Thisis.
How is he contacting you? What about creating a new email address just for him, send a message from it & say his number is now blocked on other numbers/emails You have nothing more to say, he has been told his furniture needs to be collected before the 9th, if not it will go to the tip. You need nothing from him. The relationship is irreversibly over

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 28/03/2018 19:24

WhatsApp is how he is messaging. Also had several sent ‘accidentally’ to his mates. Can’t be arsed with it all. At least I can have a countdown until the 9th

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 28/03/2018 19:30

Do you know someone with a big van who can deliver his furniture to his mum's house or dump it on the car park at his place of work.