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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have decided to end my relationship - help me see this through

753 replies

Thisisanewbeginning · 13/03/2018 23:19

So I am 42, due to be married this July. I have finally made the decision to end my relationship.

‘D’P is I believe a master at coercive control and emotional manipulation. He has anger issues and has never been violent to me. But he has kicked objects etc.

He belittles me, sulks, is demanding food r attention. Does nothing at home (and it’s all my fault).

Conversely he can be funny, affectionate, life and soul of a party, and ‘normal’.

I feel like I am on a wheel and I never know who I’m coming home to. Since we had a joint account (which we both put money into) I get grilled about what I’ve spent. I get accused of being reckless with money (it’s usually food). He has asked repeatedly about having my salary transferred into this account and he controls all of the money. This is because I can’t be trusted.

He wants to live a lifestyle beyond our means and we are scrimping to afford it. I have a mental health problem (depression or possibly bipolar) and I’m due for my first consultation appointment next month. I’m also in counselling.

I am not happy but I feel incredibly guilty. I own the house, car etc. I will be leaving him with nothing. He will not understand and this will be a bolt out of the blue.

I need a handhold over the next few weeks. Sorry for the essay!

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 27/03/2018 13:16

Ditto what everyone else has said.

LEMtheoriginal · 27/03/2018 13:28

Do be prepared for the thread to turn against you if you so much as talk to him

NewStartNow · 27/03/2018 13:39

Ha ha. I too had the horny feeling after leaving an abusive relationship. Not sure whether it was just seeking a genuine connection again or just as a result of very poor sex for a while. I'm any case it was damn good when it happened.
Think you're doing very well and being strong. X

CaptainCardamom · 27/03/2018 13:47

Yes I had it too! Before ending it, I was 100% sure I'd never want sex again - just felt so repulsed and put off the whole idea. As soon as I was free, I realised I was totally up for it. (Still not keen on the idea of a relationship, though... but maybe that will change)

Zoo33 · 27/03/2018 13:57

I've had the reverse! It's been 3 months and I can't imagine wanting it anytime soon either. Sex with my ex was great though, when he wasn't making me feel bad about something or other anyway.

WellThisIsShit · 27/03/2018 14:00

@LEM not sure what you mean by that? Do you mean you’re concerned that will happen? Or ...?

I was one of the first this morning to go ‘woah there, stop with the passive falling in line with meeting him’, but not because the OP is breaking some sort of thread code! And not because I thought others would all jump on top of that meeting either.

It’s purely because by meeting her ex so blindly she is putting her relationship and future protection from the police under pressure and I don’t think she’s realised this.

If she ignores me and blithely skips off to coffee with this man, I’ll still support her though.

Because she’s a human and humans are complex imperfect and above all, in charge of their own actions.

This isn’t a ‘Choose your own adventure’ Book with the op as the central character for us to direct through a series of choices, although I know sometimes threads do end up feeling exactly like that.

I hope your prediction is wrong on this, and the thread doesn’t ‘turn’ whatever the OP decides to do.

OP, do whatever you want to do, just do it with your eyes open. Flowers

Cupoteap · 27/03/2018 14:06

Op only just seen this thread and wow, you should feel proud of yourself. I know joe it feels did the same thing, counting down the last Monday, the last Tuesday and so on.

HonkyWonkWoman · 27/03/2018 14:07

What I can't understand is that only about 24 hours ago the OP was so traumatized by the ExP texting her that she had to call the Police to stop it and in a just a day, she is considering going for a coffee with him.
So he can sign to get the holiday money back but that could be done by someone else or in some other way. Confused

LEMtheoriginal · 27/03/2018 14:27

Willthisisshit - yes. I hope so too. I have seen it happen all too often though.

The OP has shown incredible resolve thus far and actually so what if she does meet him for coffee. Of COURSE he will try and wheedle his way back in to her affections but I think We need to give her credit that she won't fall for it.

Maybe there are things she feels might be better discussed face to face rather than through a third party. After all isn't the aim to make a quick clean break.

Maybe she feels it would be better not to meet. She knows him after all.
Whatever her choice we should support her

RandomMess · 27/03/2018 14:35

The problem with meeting him is that he will see that as a green light to harass you further because his previous harassing has worked. As the police have warned him and he has ignored the best course of action is to update the police and do not meet for coffee. The least damaging would be to send someone in your place who will successfully grey rock
Him. Although he may still consider anyone turning up a win...

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 27/03/2018 18:35

Sorry guys I’ve been in work all day! No coffee meetings.

He has messaged once today to say it is ‘confirmed’ that he has anxiety, depression and stress. Bloody hell the NHS must be on fire as he only had a GP appointment yesterday!

You are all right and I don’t want to meet him for coffee. I just want him to sign the form.

I’ve had depression for 5 years on and off and it hasn’t turned me into a nasty selfish person. I don’t want to fix or save him. I just want him to sod off and stay sodded off.

I am off tomorrow so can sort out council tax etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 27/03/2018 18:36

I’ve come so far I’m not going backwards now.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/03/2018 18:53

You should really call the police and let them know he turned up on your doorstep shortly after their warning.

RandomMess · 27/03/2018 18:57

He turned up and has messaged you again...

You need to call the police and inform them that he is continuing to harass you. Just like his ex?

FantasticButtocks · 27/03/2018 19:00

He is totally ignoring the police! They need to be informed. The confirmation of his 'medical' symptoms is no reason to be ignoring what a police officer has told him.

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 27/03/2018 19:00

Yes I will be calling them.

I put a note in the bag requesting all furniture be removed by April 9th. He hasn’t acknowledged that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 27/03/2018 19:05

Also I couldn’t care less if his leg was dropping off. I DONT LOVE YOU is apparently not clear enough Angry

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 27/03/2018 19:16

Ah xpost glad you'll be calling them. He needs to be stopped.

And your boundaries need to be very firm if you want him to sod off and stay sodded off!

HonkyWonkWoman · 27/03/2018 19:17

Arrogant pillock! He's is so full of himself that he can now ignore the Police and has visited your house and now texting you again.
He really hasn't got the message OP
He's treating this like a game.
Yes! A game of cat and mouse. And he thinks you're the mouse.
Tell the Police!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/03/2018 19:42

Am still worried for you as he seems to be playing games and NOT GETTING THE MESSAGE.

Very glad you will contact 101 again - he needs to leave you alone. And also so glad to hear you are not wavering.

You are a wonder woman and a fucking inspiration for all women reading this who are still trapped in abusive relationships (or who think they are trapped).

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 27/03/2018 19:47

The police actually turning up face to face and issuing him an official warning is called for. He is taking the piss. Do hope you are not replying to any messages. Let your hero of a dad deal with him instead.

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 27/03/2018 21:05

And another one wishing me goodnight. I’m in bed I’m exhausted. 101 in the morning.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/03/2018 21:13

I'd phone them now. It's not going to stop anytime soon is it Sad

Mix56 · 27/03/2018 21:28

Just do it now

BIWI · 27/03/2018 21:31

Why are you waiting? Call 101 now. You're gradually letting him back in and letting him erode your confidence and self belief.

Look, the police believed you enough to go and warn him. Why aren't you respecting the respect that they have given you?