I have decided to end my relationship - help me see this through

[Thisisanewbeginning]

So I am 42, due to be married this July. I have finally made the decision to end my relationship.

‘D’P is I believe a master at coercive control and emotional manipulation. He has anger issues and has never been violent to me. But he has kicked objects etc.

He belittles me, sulks, is demanding food r attention. Does nothing at home (and it’s all my fault).

Conversely he can be funny, affectionate, life and soul of a party, and ‘normal’.

I feel like I am on a wheel and I never know who I’m coming home to. Since we had a joint account (which we both put money into) I get grilled about what I’ve spent. I get accused of being reckless with money (it’s usually food). He has asked repeatedly about having my salary transferred into this account and he controls all of the money. This is because I can’t be trusted.

He wants to live a lifestyle beyond our means and we are scrimping to afford it. I have a mental health problem (depression or possibly bipolar) and I’m due for my first consultation appointment next month. I’m also in counselling.

I am not happy but I feel incredibly guilty. I own the house, car etc. I will be leaving him with nothing. He will not understand and this will be a bolt out of the blue.

I need a handhold over the next few weeks. Sorry for the essay!

block him

I wish there was a like button on mumsnet posts
You will have received hundreds by now for your strength
Wishing you well deserved happiness

I'm intrigued (and far too invested in this). What are the messages saying that were accidentally for his friends? Remind him he can delete them before you've read them!

I'd love to see the blood drain from his face if you blocked him on WhatsApp and the two ticks didn't appear any more. But thats just cruel!

No don't say anything respond to nothing ignore everything!!!

I'm sorry to hear about your uncle

Messages to friends are about how mentally unwell he is. How he hasn’t been that bad until recently and that I’m wonderful!

Tonight the tone has changed to ‘now look xxx you need to speak to me. I miss, I want etc’. Starting to get pissed off that I’m not replying

Now is the time to be careful, OP. His tone has changed - he could get nasty now he is realising you are in earnest about the break up. Don't allow him to fuck with your head. Keep all messages (for the police) but DO NOT respond, however much he goads you.

Telling you what you need. Which is actually what he wants. He really can't tell the difference can he?

He so little clue that he didn't even moderate language.

Thisisanewbeginning this is the time to be extra careful. He may start getting angry and appear at your door.

I agree. That’s why I’m worried. He is starting to get annoyed that I’m not allowing him an opportunity to change my mind. Suspect the anger is going to kick in soon if it hasn’t started already.

You have changed the locks/bolted the door from inside? Be careful OP - this is the point at which men can get nasty, now that he knows the charm offensive hasn't worked.

Re upthread no parents left so only aunties and they don’t want to get involved. So it’ll be a charity who benefits from the furniture. He isn’t going to shift it. It’s his last bargaining chip.

And yes doors are secure and double locked.

Then a good thing comes to charities. Don’t waste any sympathy on him. Or his ‘lost’ furniture.

Sorry OP. Must have missed that. Is it possible to put it in storage and pay for one week? After that if he doesn't shift his stuff, it will get disposed of but it stops being your problem.

Ring the police again in the morning & tell them he’s getting more arsey with you.

Have you changed the locks? (Sorry, I have read all of the thread, but I’m not feeling too great & I can’t remember).

I hope you sleep ok tonight.

You're doing well lass.

I’m not paying for storage. Charity collects for free. He has 2 weeks to secure a unit and a van. If he chooses not to then IT ISNt my fault. This is my home and I want it to be how I want it.

mrsmozart I love your posts makes me wish I had a Scottish nan

Just read the whole thread. Well done, OP. Stay strong and do not let him wheedle his way back into your life in any way. I'm so inspired by you - I'm in a similar relationship but I stupidly married the bastard and had children before I realised exactly what I was dealing with. One day I'll get to where you are. Xx

If he turns up at your house call 999.

Ahh bugger grammarist kids mean contact until they are old enough to make their own decisions. But you don’t have to give up those years still with him.

I never thought I would be strong enough. I never thought I could do this. Until I looked into the cold pit in my soul and realised how deeply unhappy I was. Somehow I did this: and it’s a final decision. And I feel like I’m alive again. I’m scared, I’m living I’m in foreign landscape.

But I’m living, I’m deciding, I’m free of the manacles. When you are ready you will be too

I just meant to pay for storage for a week, to get all his stuff out of your house and to give him no further reason to contact you. Once the stuff is gone you can block him from ringing you etc. Otherwise he has 2 more weeks of trying to get you to chsnge your mind.

I think you are right to be worried- you can see his tone is changing and he obviously hasn't taken any notice of the police warnings.

Please keep all of the messages and also don't engage with him. Call 101 if his messages persist.

Block him and go to email. He knows the deadline there is nothing more to discuss. Keeping the channel of communication open via WhatsApp is in his twisted mind a sign of hope.

You are so right in that the anger will now start. You've got to start shutting him out so he doesn't effect your confidence with abuse.

You are doing so great