I have decided to end my relationship - help me see this through

[Thisisanewbeginning]

So I am 42, due to be married this July. I have finally made the decision to end my relationship.

‘D’P is I believe a master at coercive control and emotional manipulation. He has anger issues and has never been violent to me. But he has kicked objects etc.

He belittles me, sulks, is demanding food r attention. Does nothing at home (and it’s all my fault).

Conversely he can be funny, affectionate, life and soul of a party, and ‘normal’.

I feel like I am on a wheel and I never know who I’m coming home to. Since we had a joint account (which we both put money into) I get grilled about what I’ve spent. I get accused of being reckless with money (it’s usually food). He has asked repeatedly about having my salary transferred into this account and he controls all of the money. This is because I can’t be trusted.

He wants to live a lifestyle beyond our means and we are scrimping to afford it. I have a mental health problem (depression or possibly bipolar) and I’m due for my first consultation appointment next month. I’m also in counselling.

I am not happy but I feel incredibly guilty. I own the house, car etc. I will be leaving him with nothing. He will not understand and this will be a bolt out of the blue.

I need a handhold over the next few weeks. Sorry for the essay!

Money first. Sign the paperwork and then sorry I’m busy.

I feel nothing. Not even pity for him. He is my past. I may need a raid to Ann Summers soon but apart from that I am content. I feel like a rock is gone from my chest. My future will be whatever I want it to be and I don’t have to give a shiny shot about his opinions.

I feel so relieved

OP you're awesome. That is all.

And now you know it was worth the last week or so

Shit not shot!!!

So worth it sparkle

For all the other posters who have said I wish. Don’t wish, do it. I was scared, emotionally and psychologically beaten down. I was afraid to do this.

But the great thing is well, there’s this place called mumsnet. And it gives you wings. If you choose to embark on your own journey they will be there (and me) for you too. And to be perfectly honest I would not have found my strength without you all.

I may walk past you in street and never know who you are. But thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

I feel like a rock is gone from my chest. My future will be whatever I want it to be. Fantastic attitude Thisis. Wishing you lots of love for the new life ahead of you.

Fantastic!

'My future will be whatever I want it to be.'

No jitters there - a steady hand on the tiller.

Enjoy your adventure - and your freedom. Don't be in a hurry to replace the 'chest rock'.

Wanting to kiss your hand That is just icky. As I said earlier he is a grown man who can take care of himself. He wants you to think he spent the night on a park bench and feel sorry for him but we know that was never going to happen. Self preservation is built into his DNA I think and when the penny drops that it is well and truly over he will move onto his next victim. Well done you but I think you knew in your gut that he was a wrong un and he needed to go. Maybe ring 101 regarding the coffee and see what they advise maybe a police officer might go with you. Would love to see his face if that happened.

Great to hear you sounding so positive. It's not good that he turned up with cousin despite being spoken to by the police, such arrogance that he still does what he wants despite this warning. I mean, what was the point of the cousin coming for his stuff? Oh, yes it was so you wouldn't have to see him. But actually you still had to. Because he just turned up. He is still doing it overriding you, trampling over your boundaries.

Even if you agreed to the coffee, you can change your mind. Going for a coffee with him is letting him keep the door open. Your choice of course, but I wouldn't.

Wonderful to read the updates! It’s really amazing just how quickly your mindset and whole outlook changes once you actually decide to end a toxic relationship. My first long-term relationship was horrendously emotionally abusive, no physical violence but most of my possessions were destroyed and he caused me enormous financial difficulties. The post about a rock being removed from your chest really resonated with me. When I finally kicked out my EA ex, I could breathe properly for the first time since the relationship started. I had mild asthma since my childhood but while in this toxic relationship, I had constant severe attacks and multiple ICU admissions. After the last and particularly close call, a woman the same age as me, died next to me and I swore to myself to never be in that situation again. When I was transferred to the normal ward, the doctor treating me, told me that this was the third time, I had been in his department in a relative quick succession and whatever it was that made me so violently ill, despite being an otherwise fit young woman, I needed to address it. When I came home, my ex actually lit up a cigarette in my house. I summoned up all my strength and chucked all the crappy chipped plates just above his head and went apoplectic. It was the first time, I ever stood up to him. He was shaking with fear and I realised he was a total coward and bully. His hold over me was totally broken. He was actually scared of me then. I told him he had an hour to grab his stuff and get out of my house and never speak to me again. After that, I sat there laughing like a lunatic and like you OP felt so free and horny too. I ordered myself loads of different female sex toys. Oh, and I have not had a single hospital admission since. I am sure that your own health issues are going to improve massively!

Just fake his signature and lie about it. No need for the coffee date.

Don't fake his signature! He will have you over a barrell then. He can threaten to report you for fraud at anytime!! You don't want to give him any power over you.

Get out there and fly Thisis.

So brave. Onwards and upwards for you. Whatever you do, no sympathy romps that you'd regret or would put you back to square one. You've come along long way. Cut contact as soon as you can.

I’d take this latest development seriously, as a PP writes “the police warned him to stay away and he's turned up on your doorstep!!”

That is actually quite disturbing. He thinks he’s above the police now?

And unfortunately, he’s right in a way isn’t he?! He’s just put you in a position where you’re going to collude with him and meet him against police advice... and you’re going to accept, without thinking about the potential harm this might do to you!!!!!

I don’t think you’ve stood back and thought about this but by joining in his little (blackmail and manipulation) game, you’re also walking into the other consequence, which I suspect is the main purpose of the whole thing from his perspective... alienating you from police protection.

You do risk (risk... not at all a certainty) the police turning round and saying:

‘well when you said he was contacting you and it was all one way, we warned him off contacting you... but you went ahead anyway and met him in spite of that, so we can’t be telling him you don’t want any contact if you’re telling him you do in the next breath. And why would we warn him off again now you’ve changed you’re mind again and have decided you don’t want to speak to him all over again?!’

Now I hope the police understand a bit more about abusive relationships nowadays, and how contact can be coerced... but, I still don’t think this little coffee meeting is in your best interests.

You appear to be thinking about it as an distasteful but acceptable exchange of your time and bodily presence VS honeymoon money back.

But this isn’t the only thing you’re trading here. Please be careful.

Can you phone the police for advice on this?

Honestly, you don’t want your ex to be able to manipulate your main means of protection further down the line.

Fgs. Get all your house locks, PINS and any shared ID's changed asap.

I think you need to phone 101 and say he showed up at your house.

And tell him you'd rather lose the money than meet him for coffee.

Mrs Preston has said what I was going to. Let 101 know he turnd up with his cousin and is trying to co-erse you into meeting him for coffee to get your half of the deposit back. TBH it might be worth losing it- but you've cancelled the trip anyway
Don't meet him- or if you must take someone like your dad with you- don't be alone with him so he can't start the emotional blackmail..
Make sure you change all your passwords, especially bank, email , social media- in fact everything. Ensure you are fully separated from him financially. Definitley get the joint account closed if you haven't already. I think in your circumstances you can close it on one person's authorisation.
Claim your 25% sole occupancy discount from the Council Tax.

PS. Did you go to tea with DSS's mum? How did it go.

He doesn't need you there to sign this paperwork at all.
Tell him you're not meeting and the payment for the signature will not be a coffee. He's blackmailing you and he's "still" manipulating you.
Find some other way to get the signature. I think that he is trying to get you to go against the Police advise as well.
Be very careful OP!

Get out from under the spell, OP.

It's important to tell 101 that Ex has broken the terms of his agreement not to go near you. Have no contact with Ex at all, anything important can be done via post or a third (trusted) party. Say goodbye to the money you paid, it's a small price to pay to sever your financial connection. Place your personal safety paramount, there have been plenty of useful suggestions here.

FYO Woman's Hour on Radio 4 today gave over the whole programme to the subject of DA - please listen to it if you can find the time.
www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b09wpmvm#play

OP I'm concerned that only hours after being warned by the police to stay away from you that he totally disregarded it and showed up at the house with his cousin. He is not respecting your wishes and he is using the money from your cancelled honeymoon as a way to coerce you into meeting him against your wishes. This isn't over. You seem to think that it is, but it's not. He isn't giving up. You need to keep the police in the loop. Please call 101 and update them on the meeting last night.

Thisisaneqbeginning - I've read your whole thread for the first time in one go and at points I think I held my breathe. I don't even know you, and I feel very silly saying this, but I feel so proud of you. You did so well and I am so proud to be part of a community of strangers that pull together in such a kind way to help a fellow stranger.

When you said about him hitting your dog it reminded me of an ex who hit me twice but I didn't leave him until he kicked our cat. Another memory was an ex before him he was really pissed off that I did all my planning to leave him (after he'd hit me too) in secret. Some men are so deluded and never grow up!

I wish you a happy and healthy future.

Regarding the horny feeling, could that be because the sex with him was so rubbish - you said all his terms and I can guess what that means - that all the unsatisfied feelings are coming out? That's not the right words in the right order (have brain trouble) but I'm sure you know what I mean.

Call 101 tell them he had not taken notice of their call.
Set up meeting with him & send your Dad. I doubt he will refuse to sign. Your Dad can also give him a piece of his mind.

I really hope you're not meeting him for coffee...

As PP have said, he is coming calling a day after being told by the police to stay away. Please don't meet him or get sucked into drama with him. I imagine when this doesn't work the threats will start - right now he's being decent because he thinks theres a chance with this coffee meeting. You need to cut it all off and tell him to stop and continue with the short lines to him.