I have decided to end my relationship - help me see this through

[Thisisanewbeginning]

So I am 42, due to be married this July. I have finally made the decision to end my relationship.

‘D’P is I believe a master at coercive control and emotional manipulation. He has anger issues and has never been violent to me. But he has kicked objects etc.

He belittles me, sulks, is demanding food r attention. Does nothing at home (and it’s all my fault).

Conversely he can be funny, affectionate, life and soul of a party, and ‘normal’.

I feel like I am on a wheel and I never know who I’m coming home to. Since we had a joint account (which we both put money into) I get grilled about what I’ve spent. I get accused of being reckless with money (it’s usually food). He has asked repeatedly about having my salary transferred into this account and he controls all of the money. This is because I can’t be trusted.

He wants to live a lifestyle beyond our means and we are scrimping to afford it. I have a mental health problem (depression or possibly bipolar) and I’m due for my first consultation appointment next month. I’m also in counselling.

I am not happy but I feel incredibly guilty. I own the house, car etc. I will be leaving him with nothing. He will not understand and this will be a bolt out of the blue.

I need a handhold over the next few weeks. Sorry for the essay!

Good grief. I’ve just read your whole thread, I am very impressed. I was worried you were going to cave in...but you didn’t 💐

I am also incredibly impressed with 101. Total stars.

...&, of course, your Parents.

It’s very sad about your boy, but talk to the breeder & find him a home where he can live the life he should be living. He’s only a baby with his whole life in front of him.

Your girl will be fine and lovely company.

I’m concerned about your stepford friend coming for Easter, I think you would be wise to put her off visiting for now. She will be relentless & exhausting. You need people who understand & suport you, not someone who is just going to keep banging on about how all ,en are like that and blah blah...

@Thisisanewbeginning I take it you'd recommend speaking to the police then if they were friendly about it? I'm reaching the end of my tether with my ex, but so far everyone recommending police involvement is (I assume) doing it from a hypothetical point of view - but you've actually done it recently... Sorry for asking this on your thread.

Had you told the police that he has a gun licence? Maybe that made them take it even more seriously...

Also shows you he was not at all sitting on a bench all night, he fell out of the bar straight into his warm bed.
10/10 for manipulative lies !

So sorry to read about your uncle. There are times in our lives when all the problems seem to happen at once, but you need to keep in mind that you’ve got rid of one of them, him.

His family will try to persuade you to take him back but not because they really believe it’s the right thing to do, but because they don’t want him on their doorstep. They’re trying to push the problem onto you. Typical flying monkeys.

Beware your bridesmaid! Many people have wedding jitters and she obviously thinks this is your difficulty. Clearly, she isn't aware of the whole story and the controlling part of all this.

From all that you have described you are not suffering from jitters!. You seem to have a clear view and to have reached a really sensible conclusion.

Hi zoo 101 were really helpful. I’d never rung them before and thought I’d be laughed off the phone!

They knew he had a gun license from the address. But it was mainly my concerns about the messaging they were interested in. I wasn’t expecting them to take the action they did today but I am relieved they did.

I would call them if I were you. Even if it just helps to build a picture of his behaviour

I am so impressed that the police were able to take pre-emptive action like this.

You have been amazingly cool-headed yourself.

This is not jitters it is the next chapter in my life. If she doesn’t understand that then she won’t be joining me in my new adventures!

Hopefully she does understand and doesn’t put any pressure on me.

You’re doing so well. I would have crumbled by now. I’m impressed with 101 too. I wish I had your independence and courage.

Any advice on how to control my child she is 8 and very angry all the time she screams and shouts and throws things and breaks things I’ve ask her why she said she can’t help it she is already starting to loose friends because of this and never gets invited anywhere I don’t know how to help her

Um Cathy maybe start a thread in parenting?

I didn’t though pretty I stayed in the relationship long after I should have met. I don’t know how but somehow I have done it.

If I can so can you. We get one life and it should be happy, respectful and fun!

Left not met (stupid phone)

Have you heard anything since the police contacted him?

Not good with technology how do I start a thread

Go to the top of the page, Cathy, right under where it says 'Talk - Relationships' it says 'Start a new thread in this topic'.

But you might be better off going to the Parenting page, rather than Relationships.

Ok so his cousin arranged to pick up his clothes and guess what.....

He came to. He hasn’t given up work, he has sorted a car and he is obviously able to look after himself.

The price for getting the money back from the holiday is a coffee which obviously he intends to use as an avenue to ‘prove’ himself.

He's On a different planet

Planet Me Me Me!!!! Absolutely delusional.

Best thing was he did the sad face. The barely restrained tear. Wanted to kiss my hand. that’s a vom face btw.

And I felt nothing. Like he was an annoying fly buzzing round my face in the summer. I’ve so got this.

Btw and possibly tmi - did anyone else after leaving a long term relationship feel really horny all the time???

Well there is a possible orgy going on, on another thread !!

Be careful, op, the police warned him to stay away and he's turned up on your doorstep!!

Wanted to kiss my hand wtf is he on? , and vom!
Seriously watch the coffee "payment" . He is going to get you on your own and give you an Oscar performance to try to get you back.
I think it's a bad move! You don't have to pay him anything.
If you do go, take a friend or your star of a Ddad with you but don't tell him, let him think your going on your own.
His stupid face will drop!
The horny thing could be because you are at last relaxing!

But also not good to meet him alone if you are feeling frisky!

Are you going for the coffee?

May have missed it, but you have made sure he cannot use an overdraft on your joint account? Don't want his £90 per night room to cost you.
Don't do the coffee. Tell him he either signs paperwork for refund or he doesn't and you both lose money. But either way, you will not respond to blackmail. I think he'll sign.