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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have decided to end my relationship - help me see this through

753 replies

Thisisanewbeginning · 13/03/2018 23:19

So I am 42, due to be married this July. I have finally made the decision to end my relationship.

‘D’P is I believe a master at coercive control and emotional manipulation. He has anger issues and has never been violent to me. But he has kicked objects etc.

He belittles me, sulks, is demanding food r attention. Does nothing at home (and it’s all my fault).

Conversely he can be funny, affectionate, life and soul of a party, and ‘normal’.

I feel like I am on a wheel and I never know who I’m coming home to. Since we had a joint account (which we both put money into) I get grilled about what I’ve spent. I get accused of being reckless with money (it’s usually food). He has asked repeatedly about having my salary transferred into this account and he controls all of the money. This is because I can’t be trusted.

He wants to live a lifestyle beyond our means and we are scrimping to afford it. I have a mental health problem (depression or possibly bipolar) and I’m due for my first consultation appointment next month. I’m also in counselling.

I am not happy but I feel incredibly guilty. I own the house, car etc. I will be leaving him with nothing. He will not understand and this will be a bolt out of the blue.

I need a handhold over the next few weeks. Sorry for the essay!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 26/03/2018 10:07

Bred to do not trained!

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 26/03/2018 10:13

Great to see police taking it seriously, might just make him realise your serious

CaptainCardamom · 26/03/2018 10:34

He doesn't want to see the dogs, that's just a ruse to get you to interact with him or feel sorry for him.

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 26/03/2018 10:44

I agree captain and it isn’t happening. His problems are no longer mine.

Must admit I was quite surprised at how proactive the police were but I feel better now they’ve had their say with him.

OP posts:
HonkyWonkWoman · 26/03/2018 10:50

I'm glad that you are going to rehome the gun dog. I hope that his breeder will have him back. It's really not good to have dogs locked in the house while someone works full time, especially a dog under 12 months.
I know that you are going through an upheaval at the moment but please prioritise the dogs rehoming.
I am fully supportive of you and cheering from the sidelines but I am also a massive dog lover and when you said that he had persuaded you to get two dogs even though you already have three cats, my heart sank. If you can bear to, could you rehome both dogs as you work full time?

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 26/03/2018 11:10

I would need to really think about rehoming both of them. I work 4 days a week so I was hoping to use a dog walking service and doggy day care. She is brilliant company and gets me out of the house.

OP posts:
HonkyWonkWoman · 26/03/2018 11:17

Oh! I agree, keep her if you can arrange Doggy Day care for her.
They are such good company and as you say, get you out of the house.
You sound lovely OP! I'm sure you will consider the best option for your dogs. I'm wishing you all the very best for your future.

sonjadog · 26/03/2018 11:59

Hope the police will have sorted it out now. I would keep one of the dogs for now. She will be good company for you and get you out and about.

RandomMess · 26/03/2018 12:00

Nothing wrong with keeping one and rehoming one. Hopefully breeder will take back or contact the breed rescue society if they can't. Make those phone calls today!

Who is the registered owner?

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 26/03/2018 12:04

Just had his family contact me regarding collection of clothes. He is staying in a pub (room cost £90 a night) they won’t take him in.

OP posts:
PositivelyPERF · 26/03/2018 12:14

Just had his family contact me regarding collection of clothes.

Have all his clothes, toiletries, bits and bobs gathered up and put in bags, by the door. Arrange a time that you can have your dad or other family member/friend there and they can hand them straight over. Tell your friend that you absolutely do not want to speak to the person collecting the stuff. They can say that you are not in. No exceptions. To big a risk of having a manipulative flying monkey.

isthismylifenow · 26/03/2018 12:21

Sounds like another ploy at woe is me tactic. Getting his family to cover for him. Why would they go to the trouble of contacting you to get his belongings if they aren't taking him in? Doesn't make sense.

OnTheRise · 26/03/2018 12:24

It says something when his own family won't risk taking him in.

Stick to your guns, OP. You're doing well.

HonkyWonkWoman · 26/03/2018 12:33

Why does his family need to tell you where he is staying and how much it's costing a night.
I reflects only on themselves that they would not help a family member.
You should have just said, oh is he not staying with you.
Throw it right back in their faces.
They're all trying to manipulate you, for him.
But you know this, of course!

FantasticButtocks · 26/03/2018 12:39

Wow! Am impressed by the police. That's great news. I understand you wondering if it will make things worse...but I don't think so, and if it does, sounds like they will be there to deal with him, taking it seriously.

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 26/03/2018 12:39

I googled the room cost as I know it a naice pub.

Just found out my great uncle (by marriage) is very very ill. All family being called in as he probably won’t make it through.

Bloody hell.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 26/03/2018 12:41

Fortunately I am registered owner of both dogs as he didn’t do life admin

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/03/2018 12:59

So sorry about your uncle Sad

No wonder he's desperate to get back with you, you clearly were his meal ticket all along!

Walkaboutwendy · 26/03/2018 13:14

Sorry about your uncle Sad

The fact they won't take him in speaks volumes and tells you all you need to know. Hmm

BlueNeighbourhood1 · 26/03/2018 13:15

Pretty sure his family have taken him in and this is them playing the sympathy card to try and get you back and for his family to put him at the front of your mind again.

I'm also sure the threat of police involvement has scared the shit out of him and why the messages have stopped for now. He seems like he's slowly getting it anyway, so hopefully he'll back off. He must surely see there is no way back now, you've spoke to the police ffs!

BlueNeighbourhood1 · 26/03/2018 13:15

Ps. So sorry about your Uncle. Go spend time with him and forget about this moron.

PeppersTheCat · 26/03/2018 13:37

So he chose to stay in a naice pub? More fool him (if he has indeed, done this).

Sorry to hear about your uncle.

Zaphodsotherhead · 26/03/2018 13:51

He can go and live in a houseshare - he's chosen to live in a £90 a night room because he still thinks it's only temporary.

You sound very definite, but I would echo other posters - DO NOT GIVE IN. He may promise you the earth, but I can guarantee in six months he'd be back to his old self and quietly chucking about that time you had 'a bit of a breakdown and he had to go and stay in a pub room for a few nights'.

Sorry about your great uncle. It never rains but it pours, eh?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 26/03/2018 14:21

His family have the measure of him! No leeching off them, oh no.

mammymammyIRL · 26/03/2018 14:30

Sorry about your great uncle.

What helps me not to waver is to remind myself every day of a bad day.