I have decided to end my relationship - help me see this through

[Thisisanewbeginning]

So I am 42, due to be married this July. I have finally made the decision to end my relationship.

‘D’P is I believe a master at coercive control and emotional manipulation. He has anger issues and has never been violent to me. But he has kicked objects etc.

He belittles me, sulks, is demanding food r attention. Does nothing at home (and it’s all my fault).

Conversely he can be funny, affectionate, life and soul of a party, and ‘normal’.

I feel like I am on a wheel and I never know who I’m coming home to. Since we had a joint account (which we both put money into) I get grilled about what I’ve spent. I get accused of being reckless with money (it’s usually food). He has asked repeatedly about having my salary transferred into this account and he controls all of the money. This is because I can’t be trusted.

He wants to live a lifestyle beyond our means and we are scrimping to afford it. I have a mental health problem (depression or possibly bipolar) and I’m due for my first consultation appointment next month. I’m also in counselling.

I am not happy but I feel incredibly guilty. I own the house, car etc. I will be leaving him with nothing. He will not understand and this will be a bolt out of the blue.

I need a handhold over the next few weeks. Sorry for the essay!

Wow, just wow, you are amazing op. What an utter arsehole, what a relief you are rid of him!

Just read your whole thread and I actually smiled like a Cheshire Cat when you put that he’d gone!! You should be so so proud of yourself!! What an amazing woman you are!

Well it was all quiet after lunchtime but I’ve just had my first message

Oh dear. What’s He starting with today?

Are you at work today? Hope they’re nice and supportive.

I've just caught up on all of this.
You're doing amazingly well. My friend went through similar, but married him and had kids. She's now divorced but he makes her life hell daily.

Oh and for tattoos. Have a look at a unalome. I'm getting one soon hopefully, it sounds like it would suit you.

You are awesome - I wish I was as brave as you xx

My god why doesn't he just get the message!

He wants to see the dogs. I said no. Still no family taking him on and promises of being everything I could ever want.

I’ve only said I don’t love him and he can’t change that.

Yes I’m in work today just getting ready to go

I think you are going to have to go into broken record mode with the 'I don't love you' mode. Can you set up an email address for your dad to arrange furniture delivery with him and then block him on everything?

I'm cross on your behalf that he seems to completely disregard your feelings and think he can just bulldozer you into doing what he wants. More validation you have done the right thing.

promises of being everything I could ever want. but what you actually want is for him to just leave it now, to leave you alone, to stop trying to persuade you back into a relationship you don't want to be in!

Grey rock all the way now, just be as dull as possible if you communicate, give him no satisfaction from his persistence, make sure his persistence doesn't 'pay off.'

Nothing more to say, please stop sending me messages

Sorry only read your thread now This.

You are amazingly strong. Actually you are quite an inspiration to others. You probably don't realise it right now, but you are.

Fantastic is right, He will "give you everything you want",
"What I want is for you to be gone". But this gives him dialogue. whereas
"No" (as we know) is a whole sentence.
Don't be surprised if he is there when you get home from work.
Just show him the bags, & say "Great you can take these as you leave". No discussion. No emotion. Grey Rock

Just had a phone call from 101. They asked if he had stopped messaging so I said no.

They are calling him to explain it is over and not to keep contacting me. They will also be present at collection of items.

I feel sick. I really hope this doesn’t make things worse. However they were very clear that they felt this was the best course of action.

The police were you are, sound brilliant. I’m glad they’re taking his harassment seriously. You’re doing so well. Can I just ask who looks after your dogs while you’re in work. I’m not trying to scare you, but do you think there’s any chance he would try to get his hands on them?

*where

They are in the house. I’m going to have to seriously think about giving one of them up (working dog) as he isn’t getting the exercise and training he needs. His decision to get them btw.

My other dog was bred to be a pet and is happy with the usual (1.5 hr!) walks. She is more of a cuddly dog. I can probably afford dog walking and day care for one but not 2 dogs.

It’s very sad for me but I have to think about what is best for them.

101 have rung back. He has apologised apparently and has been given a friendly warning. I’m to contact 101 if this doesn’t deal with it.

Its good that you have the back up of the Police now!I
This should persuade him that you are deadly serious and to stop harassing you.
Make sure they're there when he collects his stuff.
Soon be over for you!

I'm impressed by how seriously the police have taken your call and that they called him to warn him off. I've never heard of that happening before. The new financial abuse legislation is really good too. Let's hope the legal tide is finally turning on these abusers!

You have a lot on your plate, Thisisanewbeginning, but I think you’re right in rehoming the working dog, if he’s a lot of work. So long as you don’t let that arse know until the dog is away. He would demand that you give him the poor dog, just to use as a means of manipulation, then the dog would end up neglected.

Wow, OP. You've done brilliantly. I'm so impressed.

I hope that's it now that the police have warned him off. But if he does escalate, don't give in. You're so much better off without him.

You need some ammunition in terms of support. Gather everyone that cares for you and tell them you need every ounce of help in the next few weeks.

You can do this.

Your life will be worthless if you don't.

Was he good with the dogs though, or was it all your work ? To to be honest the dog would probably be happier with him than rehoused,
also it could run in the park as he sits on the bench !

He was dreadful with the dog. Did nothing with him, doesn’t understand how to train with positive reinforcement and shouts a lot at him.

Doggie is a placid, happy boy and a five generation working pedigree. He is also intact and under 12 months old. Built like a tank though! His breeder had a clause that she has first refusal for any rehoming. He is a gun dog and I just feel he will be far happy doing the job he was trained to do rather than being with that idiot.