I have decided to end my relationship - help me see this through

[Thisisanewbeginning]

So I am 42, due to be married this July. I have finally made the decision to end my relationship.

‘D’P is I believe a master at coercive control and emotional manipulation. He has anger issues and has never been violent to me. But he has kicked objects etc.

He belittles me, sulks, is demanding food r attention. Does nothing at home (and it’s all my fault).

Conversely he can be funny, affectionate, life and soul of a party, and ‘normal’.

I feel like I am on a wheel and I never know who I’m coming home to. Since we had a joint account (which we both put money into) I get grilled about what I’ve spent. I get accused of being reckless with money (it’s usually food). He has asked repeatedly about having my salary transferred into this account and he controls all of the money. This is because I can’t be trusted.

He wants to live a lifestyle beyond our means and we are scrimping to afford it. I have a mental health problem (depression or possibly bipolar) and I’m due for my first consultation appointment next month. I’m also in counselling.

I am not happy but I feel incredibly guilty. I own the house, car etc. I will be leaving him with nothing. He will not understand and this will be a bolt out of the blue.

I need a handhold over the next few weeks. Sorry for the essay!

I know the feeling of freedom and you have been so brave.

We are all still here and we are all your cheerleaders. Keep going and keep in touch.

What did the police say? Any useful advice?

No useful advice they just said I’d have a number logged so quicker if they need to take action.

Told them WA involved, he has a shotgun license but fortunately no gun. I have the license here so he can’t buy or rent one. Had visions of armed response coming otherwise!

Gosh. Well if nothing else his behaviour and actions now only emphasise that you have made absolutely the right decision.

No tears? I'm not at all surprised. Thank goodness you aren't going to marry him, he really sounds awful.

He's showing his true colours even more now, isn't he?

Hope you can continue to not engage with him

Oh and no, I wouldn't reply suggesting he take himself to hospital if he harms himself. That's up to him. He's an adult and he knows what a hospital is for.

He is saying these things to get a response from you and to squeeze out a smidgeon of love or care from you... He is actually continuing with his abusive ways and trying to make you think that his life, his welfare, his safety is YOUR responsibility. As you've rightly stated, it isn't.

My god that is one big bullet you have dodged.

You've had a lucky escape OP!
Thank goodness your sense of self-preservation kicked in, in time.
Don't stand for any messing off him, it will all be about him any way.
As you know!

Be vigilant! I don't want to scare you but an ex of mine was hiding in the garden when he knew I was coming home from work and pushed in behind me when I unlocked the door. Luckily he was only crying and pleading but it could have been worse. Change times a bit if you can and look around well before you open the door. Just to be safe!
I didn't relax till he found a new girlfriend victim.

You have absolutely done the right thing.
You need to speak to the bank re the joint account so that he cannot go overdrawn iwith it. Take your half of any monies out first. Tell them you want to close it down but transfer your DDs to your account. Put it in writing. If they refuse, tell them you have lost both cards - that will stop him withdrawing chunks of cash.
Tell him you want the flights cancelled right away and you want your half of the money back.
After the rush, you may feel quite shaky and sad. Write down all the nasty things he had said & done and read them back. It is very sobering.
And relax......

Just RTFT well done OP he's out and staying out, the rest is just tidying up really.

Bloody hell OP - I'm so impressed with you! So decisive and organised and I can't believe he just left so easily. Have you changed the locks? If not, I hope the locksmith is booked for 9am tomorrow. I hope you get the money back from your cancelled honeymoon. I suspect your ex will be eager to have his share back too, once he realises how serious you are. Maybe he'll hang onto hope for a bit though. Is there is a time limit on cancelling and getting a decent refund?

It took a few 'cycles' for me to cop on to what was happening. The nice quiet phase, the gradual increase in his abuses that, at first, were so subtle I was doubting myself, the overt abuse, me reacting, his frank enjoyment of my reaction, me reacting in a really serious manner or his pushing it too far and then the nice phase again. It drove me utterly potty and over the four years my personality disintegrated.

This is my life at the moment :(

Why do they get such pleasure from this cycle? DP digs and digs for a reaction and then cannot hide the smirk as he watches me meltdown.

OP, I recommend researching "mate value". From your description of your situation, you have much higher mate value than him, and in men this situation often leads to them being violent/abusive as a "mate retention" strategy. He knows you're better than him, that he is batting above his weight, so he is trying to diminish your self worth so you won't leave him.

Just wanted to say you are one strong lady you've done brilliantly.

I would suggest you turn your phone off or put it to silent tonight as it's likely he will start bombarding you with messages in the early hours.

I think the anger will start sooner now the flowers haven't worked. In his mind his gravy train is slipping away so he needs to up the ante.

Completely agree about the money for the holiday. Either kiss it goodbye as the price for getting rid of him or go through your dad.

Keep on keeping on you are doing great

Wow peppers I’ve just been reading about mate values. Fascinating stuff.

Also just ordered Lundy should be here Wednesday.

Haven’t heard a peep since 12.30. Not sure if that’s a good or a bad sign.

Probably thinking what to do next.

How much stuff has he got at your place?

Clothes and furniture. I’ve told him to let me know where to take it, my dad and my neighbour will do the delivering.

I am waiting to hear back from the travel agent as I’ve known them for years. They may be able to get me some money back.

Is there anyway your dad could store it in his garage until he confirms with your dad where to deliver it? Cutting the last tie would be a great step.

Haven’t got a garage and parents live 20 odd miles away.

Don't be surprised if he comes up with a sudden and potentially life threatening illness. They'll say anything.

Then his family can look after him. I’m done. Just been reading your thread zoo have a great holiday!

He wanted me to come and let him decorate my house earlier, I mean really?

OP YOU ARE AMAZING! So well done. An inspiration.

Hahahaha mine offered to help with the dent someone out in my car door. As if! If you redecorate you'll do it without his help.

Thanks! I just hope he doesn't decide to turn up. 😕

Just read this thread. Well done OP. You are an amazing woman.

Redecorate your house?!? He really doesn't credit you with much intelligence does he

I'm still shocked at the toddler tantrum he had when you told him it was over