Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have decided to end my relationship - help me see this through

753 replies

Thisisanewbeginning · 13/03/2018 23:19

So I am 42, due to be married this July. I have finally made the decision to end my relationship.

‘D’P is I believe a master at coercive control and emotional manipulation. He has anger issues and has never been violent to me. But he has kicked objects etc.

He belittles me, sulks, is demanding food r attention. Does nothing at home (and it’s all my fault).

Conversely he can be funny, affectionate, life and soul of a party, and ‘normal’.

I feel like I am on a wheel and I never know who I’m coming home to. Since we had a joint account (which we both put money into) I get grilled about what I’ve spent. I get accused of being reckless with money (it’s usually food). He has asked repeatedly about having my salary transferred into this account and he controls all of the money. This is because I can’t be trusted.

He wants to live a lifestyle beyond our means and we are scrimping to afford it. I have a mental health problem (depression or possibly bipolar) and I’m due for my first consultation appointment next month. I’m also in counselling.

I am not happy but I feel incredibly guilty. I own the house, car etc. I will be leaving him with nothing. He will not understand and this will be a bolt out of the blue.

I need a handhold over the next few weeks. Sorry for the essay!

OP posts:
Zoo33 · 25/03/2018 11:24

If he's anything like my ex, any form of communication is an encouragement. I'd be tempted to ignore him completely.

RandomMess · 25/03/2018 11:26

Do not engage at all!!! It's all a ploy to reel you back in.

Daisymay2 · 25/03/2018 11:27

That's a good suggestion. Make him responsible for his wellbeing. However you need to make it clear that he is not to come to your house this weekend or any other time apart from collecting his furniture by arrangement. He need to arrange that visit with your dad as you won't be there. Also if your dad is ok with It, he needs to sort out any refunds with your dad. Then you can block him.
You may need to get an order to keep him away from you and your home.
Koko.

Mix56 · 25/03/2018 11:31

Do not reply Send my above message & block his number.
He is not having a breakdown any more than he sat on a bench all night.
Its just a tactic. too little, too late.
Ignore, block number, turn off phone.

CrazyDuchess · 25/03/2018 11:32

Don't contact him- if you think he will harm himself then call the police and they can conduct a welfare check.

You are doing so well!

sparklepops123 · 25/03/2018 11:38

Block him !

seventh · 25/03/2018 11:50

This might have been covered already - apologies if it has been - but you have changed the locks, right?

And get the signature in a public place with your dad alongside you.

Haffdonga · 25/03/2018 11:59

Every time you respond (whether to tell him to get his stuff or to call an ambulance) you are giving him a little bit more hope that he can open channels of communication with you and then lay on all the stuff you've always wanted to hear (he'll change, he sees how wrong he was, he wants to help etc etc).

Don't respond at all. If you are seriously worried that he may be actively suicidal then call the police or if you have any details of a friend or family member you could advise them to call them police.

I'm afraid you should forget about sorting the honeymoon deposit and his belongings for quite a considerable time. At the moment that is yet more fuel for him to get you to engage with him.

Stay strong.

Whisky2014 · 25/03/2018 12:01

Tell him to stop with the emotional abuse and it's one of the reasons you left him in the first place.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/03/2018 12:03

Take his stuff round to that flying monkey's house then message him and tell him where it is.

eddielizzard · 25/03/2018 12:09

i 2nd the idea of dropping his stuff off at flying monkey friend.

give him the samaritan's number. he's just trying emotional blackmail. you're doing great, keep going!

CaptainCardamom · 25/03/2018 12:13

Well done OP! Flowers

When I left my EA ex I felt sheer happiness and freedom, I literally felt as if I could finally breathe. Two years down the line I haven't shed a tear over him. I just don't love him, there's nothing to be sad about and every day I'm happy to quite simply not have to spend time with him. It's OK if you don't cry (and OK if you do).

As PPs have said, please be careful. He sounds like a nasty piece of work. Locks changed, be vigilant when you go out. Communicate with him as little as possible, don't try to explain anything, just "your stuff will be at x place" and things like that. Arrange it so that you never have to lay eyes on him. The aim is for him to get bored and find a new victim.

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 25/03/2018 12:21

I’ve not replied and he has gone quiet for now. Didn’t think this part would be easy, and I was right. He is still looking for the right thing to say to get back through the door.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/03/2018 12:23

Read back through this thread, you predicted all this!!!

If you bump into him at any point or more flying monkeys are sent "I don't live him anymore and I don't care about what he's up to" it gives him the ammo to make you out to be a bad person but who cares if it means he stops pestering you!

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 25/03/2018 12:36

Did I say it was quiet? He’s just left a bunch of flowers on my front door step.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/03/2018 12:37

You predicted this too the nastiness will start in how many days???

CaptainCardamom · 25/03/2018 12:41

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Don't let him know you're in. Calmly bin or give away flowers (once you are sure he's not in the area).

In fact if there is any way you actually could be away for a bit, that might be a good idea.

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 25/03/2018 12:48

2-3 days I reckon. He will be in a temper by then, really hope I don’t have to go down a legal route.

OP posts:
MuffinMad · 25/03/2018 13:00

My ex was very much like how you describe yours. After I summoned up the courage to call it a day, he left without argument.

I wasn't upset. Didn't cry. Didn't feel anything really, I just knew I couldn't spend another day of my life in his presence. I had no idea what the future had in store, but I trusted that it couldn't possibly be worse than what I had been going through with him.

Then the calls started. He was very sad (for himself),had no where to go,loved me,said he would change. Then, he would get angry and threaten to smash my windows.

I wasn't frightened of him anymore.

After a while, I became totally indifferent. I really didn't care if he was alive or dead, as long as he left me in peace. (Which he did,after a while).

Eventually, after some time, he did die. I felt nothing. It was as if I was remembering someone who I used to know who lived down the street.

🙂

Zaphodsotherhead · 25/03/2018 14:08

I echo a PP - if he knew that this was all stuff that you wanted him to do, (as he's trying to do it or say he will do it now) THEN WHY DIDN'T HE DO IT THEN!
It's almost worse when you realise that they knew all along what they had to change to make your life better, but they just didn't want to.

You are doing splendidly. Oh god, I sound like a 1950's housemistress now.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/03/2018 14:56

Leave the damn flowers exactly where they are. Do not engage with his texts, do not reply.

I actually think you should log this with 101. Just tell them you have recently ended the relationship and he won't leave you alone. You don't have to do anything else, but it will be on record, should you need it. I really hope you don't.

You are frickin' awesome and you have done the right thing. He know's he's thrown it all away. Be warned he may get angry when he realises the love bombing won't work. Can you have a friend over to stay?

MachineBee · 25/03/2018 14:58

Well done OP. Stay strong and keep your wits around you. Think about installing CCTV in a front room window.

When I ended an EA 22year marriage I felt only relief. He has since died and whilst I know this was difficult for my DCs I am completely neutral about this. My bad memories occasionally resurface and I have a supportive DH who understands and helps me get past it.

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 25/03/2018 15:42

I’ve rung 101 just to log a concern in case anything escalates.

OP posts:
BlueNeighbourhood1 · 25/03/2018 16:10

You're doing completely the right thing logging it with 101. If as you said the threats start coming by Tuesday or so you have initial contact to fall back on with them.

I'm sat here amazed you've gone through with it all and are such a strong, amazing woman to have done what you have. This thread should be pinned for everyone who wants to leave an EA relationship to show it can be done.

I really hope the next few days are peaceful and that the next stage doesn't arrive OP.

Original poster
Thisisanewbeginning · 25/03/2018 16:15

Thank you blue not out of the woods yet he hasn’t finished his campaign but I am never ever livng like that again.

I feel like I’m awake for the first time in years. I’ve done a supermarket shop and I’ve been bagging clothes.

I am so relieved I did this.

OP posts: