I have decided to end my relationship - help me see this through

[Thisisanewbeginning]

So I am 42, due to be married this July. I have finally made the decision to end my relationship.

‘D’P is I believe a master at coercive control and emotional manipulation. He has anger issues and has never been violent to me. But he has kicked objects etc.

He belittles me, sulks, is demanding food r attention. Does nothing at home (and it’s all my fault).

Conversely he can be funny, affectionate, life and soul of a party, and ‘normal’.

I feel like I am on a wheel and I never know who I’m coming home to. Since we had a joint account (which we both put money into) I get grilled about what I’ve spent. I get accused of being reckless with money (it’s usually food). He has asked repeatedly about having my salary transferred into this account and he controls all of the money. This is because I can’t be trusted.

He wants to live a lifestyle beyond our means and we are scrimping to afford it. I have a mental health problem (depression or possibly bipolar) and I’m due for my first consultation appointment next month. I’m also in counselling.

I am not happy but I feel incredibly guilty. I own the house, car etc. I will be leaving him with nothing. He will not understand and this will be a bolt out of the blue.

I need a handhold over the next few weeks. Sorry for the essay!

Congratulations Thus! I love what another said about it being the start of summer (officially!) and the clocks going forward. How true a metaphor for you.

You are bound to have mixed emotions now. If you ever need a bit of reassurance please just re-read your original thread to see what a truly awesome decision you as a brave woman took to avoid this horrible controlling man.

You will probably feel physically drained and tired too. All the stress and worry this week will undoubtedly have taken its toll, but rest and make time to think about what an amazing escape you had.

Just imagine if you had not had your determination and resolve. You would be worrying about a dress, menus and keeping everyone happy on your wedding day, then facing making vows with a man who wanted to control you and take ownership of all you have worked so hard for and for which he contributed so very little.

I have a dear friend who told me she knew she was making a mistake on her wedding day. I asked how when she knew it. She replied “Oh I know to the minute ...it was when I heard. “ dah dah di dah”...... She went on to have many years of unhappiness and regret.

Rejoice in your new found freedom. Never ever explain to anyone just why you did what you did. Don’t allow any dialogue to open up about it. Only you need to know why. It is simply not open to discussion.

Good luck. Please keep posting and let all your supporters know how you are getting on.

You may not exactly feel it right now - but take it from all of us - you are AWESOME.

OMG the morning bombardment has started. His family won’t take him in and he sat on a bench all night.

He needs treatment, wants to go to counselling, he can change, he loves me, I’m his best friend. Will I change my mind, he’s a broken man etc etc

I’ve responded and told him he isn’t my responsibility he needs to sort himself out. And asked where I can leave his stuff.

In the 20 odd messages I’ve had now since yesterday only one has asked if I am ok. All of the rest are about what he feels, needs and wants.

And that's why he's ex.

As for his family not taking him in - either they're shit and he needs to man up; or, they're sick of his shit and he needs to man up...

Yes that is why he is ex. He is now a failure apparently. Again not my responsibility. I’m naturally a people pleaser and finding this part hard. But I have no desire to comfort him or see him again.

This lands squarely at his door. He had everything and it wasn’t enough. He chose to be a selfish, angry, nasty man. He chose to treat my home like a doss house and criticise me. He chose to be the person he was.

I choose myself. I choose my independence, my sanity and my self worth. He doesn’t understand me as well as he thought he did.

And even so I’m physically shaky, feel sick and numb. But also I can see the sun is out today. My parents are coming later. I’m going to start cleaning soon and today is another new day without anyone fucking with my head.

The sun is indeed out lass and shining on your new life. It's you getting back to being you.

And now he wants to do all the things normal partners do. Help at home etc I’m not responding bar the message about the clothes.

Stay strong, you’re doing great.

Oh so he knew what he should have been doing all along but chose not to. What a cock.

Why not block him, you aren't benefiting from reading his lies?

Thisisanewbeginning stay strong. You have been amazing, onwards and upwards is the only way. It will be a little rollercoaster ride on the way up as you will have your emotional moments as you recover. Change your phone number when you can.

Need to get his stuff back to him and out of my house.

Also need his signature as lead passenger for the honeymoon to get the money back. He can have half and use it as a deposit for somewhere to live.

Then I’ll be nc and block him.

How amazingly strong you are being.

Can you block him and tell him to address all communication via your parents or a reliable friend?

I'd bet my house he did NOT sit on a bench all night.
Has he got a car ?
He may take a while to propose somewhere to put his things, in the mean time, if you can bag up anything portable, you stick in bags in garage if you have one. & give him a set time to collect, if its furniture, tell him he has a week or its going to the tip.

I've been following your journey OP and I'm in awe of you. I wish I had been so decisive and strong when I was in a similar situation.
Well done

I'm pretty sure he didn't sit on a bench too, or you would have been getting messages all night long.

I don’t in all honesty think that without the support of this thread, my parents and friends I would have been able to end it.

Something just changed in me. I couldn’t put my own happiness last anymore.

I've been following your thread OP and I just wanted to say how amazingly you are doing.

Is there no way you can speak to the travel company, explain the situation and get your money back without more contact with him? I'm sure there must be contingencies for situations like this.

Can your parents get to you any sooner? You are being so strong, but maybe some face to face support would help with this.

The problem is he has no incentive to collect his clothes and sign off the holiday because then he'll have no "hook" into you. I would text him to say he needs to arrange these things with your Dad then block him.

I would also kiss goodbye to half the honeymoon money he may do the paperwork on the sly or not at all to spite you

OP I am in awe of you, so much respect for how you have handled this. Even if he did sit on a bench all night that's his lookout. He seems like he is wallowing in the drama of it all and playing the victim.

What a great thread. Well done OP. I hope you got new bedding on :) enjoy the rest of your life. Please do go on the Italian craft holiday..sounds so fun!

Can you or your parents or friends drop his stuff off with his family?

Well done OP, you’re doing amazingly well.

Random is right, tell him to organise the refund/removal with you Dad.
You are not receiving his calls/massages any further.

His now messaging about stuff he can do in the house this weekend and that he is having a breakdown

I haven’t replied but thought I might tell him to go to the hospital if he feels like he may harm himself. What do you think?