I have decided to end my relationship - help me see this through

[Thisisanewbeginning]

So I am 42, due to be married this July. I have finally made the decision to end my relationship.

‘D’P is I believe a master at coercive control and emotional manipulation. He has anger issues and has never been violent to me. But he has kicked objects etc.

He belittles me, sulks, is demanding food r attention. Does nothing at home (and it’s all my fault).

Conversely he can be funny, affectionate, life and soul of a party, and ‘normal’.

I feel like I am on a wheel and I never know who I’m coming home to. Since we had a joint account (which we both put money into) I get grilled about what I’ve spent. I get accused of being reckless with money (it’s usually food). He has asked repeatedly about having my salary transferred into this account and he controls all of the money. This is because I can’t be trusted.

He wants to live a lifestyle beyond our means and we are scrimping to afford it. I have a mental health problem (depression or possibly bipolar) and I’m due for my first consultation appointment next month. I’m also in counselling.

I am not happy but I feel incredibly guilty. I own the house, car etc. I will be leaving him with nothing. He will not understand and this will be a bolt out of the blue.

I need a handhold over the next few weeks. Sorry for the essay!

Well done! You are doing brilliantly

I’ve had my first flying monkey. Mutual friend. Is there any chance, he is gutted etc

So the script is being followed to a T

Congratulations you wonderful woman! I am impressed with your strength and courage.

Tomorrow is the start of British Summer Time, may today be the last day of your cold, dark, winter and every day therafter be filled with sunshine ☀️

Yes, I'm afraid you will have to be grey rock with mutual friend too.
Just "It wasn't working for me",
There will be people who take sides. It goes with the terrain.

I’ve started coming down from the adrenaline rush now. Feel sad and tired. I’m going to have a sleep and then a bath

Congratulations New . You are sounding incredibly aware of all the tricks he's going to pull out of his self pitying little bag. You are one strong and self aware woman.

Have a hug lass. You've done grand. There will be a flat period but you'll come up out of it.

Wise MrsMozart!

That's it though. The hardest bit is done. Youve said the words now all you have to do is stick to it. Think of how great its going to feel in a couple of weeks when the initial detangling is done

Well done op!! You are amazing. x

All the tactics following the script are all about the abuser's needs, not yours. You have to marry him despite not loving him because he is sad and he wants you. Shows how much he thinks of you: he doesn't, you are a domestic appliance, your needs are irrelevant, he gives no fucks about your happiness.

Just RTFT and you are an inspiration OP.

Best wishes to you for a great future.

I can nearly guarantee that you and his ex will compare notes and they will mirror each other. Hopefully you will have found a new good friend. 🌺

I’ve had my first flying monkey. Mutual friend. Is there any chance, he is gutted

Don't know if you've replied to friend yet, but if not a simple message back, again about your feelings not his.

Trust me friend, I have done the right thing for me, and I trust you'll respect that. No there is no chance, it's definitely over, please don't attempt to persuade me otherwise. I don't love him, so no, no chance I will change my mind.

Because whatever you say to mutual friend will be passed on to him, don't forget. So if you go into 'he did this, he did that', he will have something to try to hook you back in with "Tell her I can change!" Etc

It will hurt for a while, but you have done the right thing and in the long run, you will be very glad that you ended it.

Mutual friend.

Not a friend of yours if he/she is not respectful of your decision and emotional space.

Congrats, well done you. Relax, de-stress, enjoy!

I’ve had my first flying monkey. Mutual friend. Is there any chance, he is gutted etc

When I split from my ex ... I shut this down immediately by telling everyone I knew that under no circumstances did I want to talk about him. I was completely firm about it - if someone tried to start a conversation I made it clear that if they wanted to talk/spend time with me - fine, but if they wanted to talk about him/dissect our relationship/pass on messages etc. then I wasn't interested.

I even threw a niece out of my house who didn't seem to be able to understand - that I don't want to talk about it. It's not up for discussion. I'm not interested in what he has to say ... and so on. She'd been quite friendly with him so she was one of the first ones he contacted when I shut all the doors to communication direct with me. She seemed completely incapable of understanding that I didn't want to know or hear anything about him and I really, really meant it .. so I had no choice but to chuck her out!

"Is there any chance?" His chance was having the privilege of you choosing him as a partner and allowing him to move in with you. He didn't cherish you and instead took advantage and treated you appallingly... he had his chance and blew it spectacularly - remember that. And ignore the emotional threats re suicide. IF he is serious, it would be on him not you.

Well done to you. Best of luck going forward!

Well done.

Be careful with DSS and his ex.

This could backfire. You might being used.

It also gives him "an in".

I would be fading out of the DSS life.

Sorry....but he has a Mum.

There were a million chances on the road to this. You have no reason to give yet a dozen more. He has no right to ask. And nor does anyone else.

People get suckered in because they love a drama, and they love the permission to get involved. They don’t stop to think how or why this moment had been reached. For them it’s the first time, so they behave as if it’s the first time for everybody... which is incredibly stupid and egotistical if you think about it.

Ugh.

first night on my own. Watching tv and drinking tea. I haven’t cried. Is that normal?

totally normal! After i dumped my stupid ex i felt nothing but relief.

You are doing really well. My ex tried the suicide card. I called the police who took him to hospital for assessment. He didn’t pull that card again as it didn’t result in contact from me but did result in hassle for him. I had no way of knowing if he was serious so treated the threat as if it was.

In my experience, you will be up and down for a little while. You will grieve the relationship you wished you’d had rather than the one you actually had. It helped me to break time up into little chunks with things to look forward to. Like a night out, catch up with a friend, holiday. Lots of little things happening to keep me busy but with some time to myself. I made a note of why I had made my decision while it was all new and read it back whenever I started to think ‘well, maybe it wasn’t all that bad...’ It was that bad and I’d made the right choice. The first few days I went from being sad I didn’t get the fairytale relationship to giddy with relief that I no longer had to deal with the ex. As time went on it levelled out to feeling happy and complete by myself. I hope you can get to that point quickly x