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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do? He's married.

176 replies

window · 06/05/2007 12:02

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
Original poster
window · 06/05/2007 20:21

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
Bamzooki · 06/05/2007 20:32

mls - wow, hats off to you for being up for that. Can see your point about closure tho. It s something I have been wondering about, but it may be too far down the road to be worthwhile for me now. Thanks for the reply anyway.
Sorry for hi-jack window!

Pixiefish · 06/05/2007 20:38

Just read the start of this thread. I think you should go for it then when he has left his wife for you he will do the same to you (if he leaves her of course- you would probably the latest in a long list of slappers for him.

I feel for his wife and also think you should be ashamed for even thinking about it

littlelapin · 06/05/2007 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

morningpaper · 06/05/2007 21:03

Personally if my husband was seduced by a lingerie-clad 21 year old with a whip I would not in my wildest dreams slag HER off

The fault would 100% be with HIM

He isn't some wild animal driven by his penis that ladies have some sisterly duty to tame

If it ain't for sale you can't buy it

Janos · 06/05/2007 23:23

I think some of the posts having a go at window are really vitiolic and out of order.

I can totally understand why people feel so strongly about it, but come on, she hasn't actually DONE anything. This nastiness is NOT deserved.

Londonmamma · 06/05/2007 23:58

Window - I'm so glad you've listened and reconsidered. Well done. There will be a lovely baggage-free man out there for you should you want one. You deserve a man who's all yours, not stolen moments with someone's cheatin' husband

Anniegetyourgun · 07/05/2007 08:48

I don't think people were meaning to slag off Window. They were slagging off the thing she was tempted by, and pointing out in the strongest terms why it would not be a good thing for her or, for that matter, anyone else.

The issue would appear to be low self esteem which leaves her open to flattery by a smooth operator. That's what needs addressing. Making single, emotionally vulnerable women feel good is a time-honoured technique for cheating bastards. Be smart, be warned! You won't feel good when he moves on to the next victim.

ps It may be true about being separated but living in the same house. I'm in that situation while my divorce goes through. But in his case it almost certainly isn't.

Janos · 07/05/2007 11:32

I can see that annie and of course you are going to get a strong reaction on here if you say something like 'Ooh I fancy a bit with this married man, am I really awful?', - it's just some of the comments were a bit personal!

Anyway, totally agree with your comments about the "smooth operators" - sleazy opportunists more like !

lovemybed · 07/05/2007 11:55

perhaps this should have been posted in the joke section, its not the best idea to put something like this in the relationship section when most people on this are trying hard to make there marrage work.

MrMariella · 07/05/2007 12:24

window.
It's hard to frame this without appearing too transparent. The view of this poster is that you must have sashayed for him some how for him to take this opportunity to add you to his ledger. And you can close this at anytime. That is crystal clear. This would be a lead weight to his wife. Don't be putty in his hands.

snowleopard · 07/05/2007 12:29

No woman should ever have an affair with a married/attached man. Personally I do subscribe to the "sisterly" view that it's not a nice thing to do to another woman. But more importantly, ask why you'd consider doing that to yourself. You'd be embarking on a relationship with a man who is already in a relationship, so you'd be sharing him and getting neglected. If he left her for you, you'd be getting a two-timing bastard as your prize. If he didn't, you'd end up feeling crapper than ever, lonely, guilty and miserable.

He makes you feel good because he's good at flirting, paying attention to someone he finds attractive and being charming. What he's not good at is addressing the needs of a proper relationship. He doesn't sound like much fun to me. This kind of thing is a lot more "fun" in the anticipation than in the reality.

Windows, i hope reflecting on this makes you feel a load better about yourself - it should. You really do deserve a nice single man. Think that way and it's more likely to happen. Meanwhile, take a good look at this man and think "Phew! Lucky escape!"

MrMariella · 07/05/2007 12:32

reflecting - good one. missed that.

hatrick · 07/05/2007 12:44

This reply has been deleted

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obimomkanobi · 07/05/2007 13:58

I was cheated on once, my DH picked a work colleague and fed her all the right lines.

I didn't support him
We had nothing in common
The marriage was dead
We no longer had sex

All of the above was bull, and he admitted that... he just told her what he knew she wanted to hear.

The only 'problem' we had in our marriage was a lack of time. She was at work with him for 40+ hours a week, all glamorous and exciting. I was at home running around after small children and organising his life.

He and I were still shagging, going out together etc.

I'm sure that there is an adulterers handbook that all men refer too. I wouldn't go out with a married guy, it's no basis on which to start a relationship...and it never results in 'harmless fun'.

ipanemagirl · 07/05/2007 19:27

good luck window and glad you didn't go further for everyones sake!
Do try to meet more single men, it sounds like you need that in your life.

kimi · 07/05/2007 19:52

MARRIED PEOPLE ARE OFF LIMITS.... SIMPLE AS THAT.

Have some self respect and walk away

ScottishMummy · 07/05/2007 20:00

go get your own man, simple as that

have some moral fibre and a bit of self respect before u fall for someone capable of showing he is keen despite being unavailable

be flattered when an available man is keen

a bloke stringing two ladies along - a snake who is having his cake and eating it

tiredemma · 07/05/2007 20:01

In answer to the OP.

I would run a fucking mile.

Find your own bloke.

SoupDragon · 07/05/2007 20:20

Oh FFS what a stupid question.

ELF1981 · 07/05/2007 20:20

I'm sorry to be blunt but I think you should leave the hell alone. I will say this same thing to any person who is considering having an affair from their partner or having an affair with somebody else who is married.
I have just seen the fall out of three affairs - my aunt and uncle are starting the process of a divorce after her affair, they're ripping each other to shreds and pulling their ten year old to pieces. My step sister and her husband have just separated after her affair, they will also be going through divorce proceedings and no doubt their two children will become their main argument. My friend is convinced her husband is having an affair but has no concrete proof (though it's 99.9% that he is). She's in pieces, her two young daughters dont know where they stand.
An affair leads to heart ache for yourself, for any children involved, and its a very high cost just to get your leg over.

lou33 · 07/05/2007 20:39

she has said she is not going to let it go further

granarybeck · 07/05/2007 20:42

Be flattered yes, but nothing more. Why would you want to cause another family (or wife?) so much hurt because you're 'keen'?

I have survived my husband having an affair and it nearly finished me off, literally. We are still together, but the after-effects are still there everyday for the whole family.

I met the woman my dh was tempted by, and having met me and seen the damage she had helped cause, I really think she will never be tempted again. So, please try and think about it rationally and about everyone it may affect before you get involved.

ELF1981 · 07/05/2007 20:43

as I said in my post I would say it to anybody considering it

Janos · 07/05/2007 21:13

She has already said NO and told him, NO. Leave the poor woman alone!