I’m wondering whether there’s anyone there who can relate to my situation, and if so whether they can tell me how they dealt with it. I know many will have a lot of negative things to say, but constructive feedback would be very welcome. Basically, I feel like my life is a mess. I don’t recognise myself or understand my behaviour. I feel like another person has come in and taken over. I feel like I’ve lost control and I’m spiralling. I have everything. A beautiful wife who I have loved since I met her, and who loves me back. She is affectionate, attentive and kind. But we have been spending less time together since we got married due to demands with her job, and we have drifted. We have also moved to a different city where we have very few friends and as a result I’ve found myself alone a lot and feeling bored, restless and isolated. In response to this, I made contact with another woman online around 9 months ago, and we began having a fairly intense ‘online’ relationship which involved almost constant online contact, mostly of a very sexual nature. We went months without ever meeting face to face, and even some months where we didn’t talk at all. I knew what I was doing was wrong and the guilt got the better of me. I told my wife what I’d done. She was obviously hurt but appreciated my honesty and seemed to get over it within a few days. I promised I had ended the contact with the other woman, and I had. Then after a couple of months I stupidly re-established contact. I was feeling lonely and unhappy and it led me to become incredibly self-involved and selfish. I was angry about situations with my wife involving her frequent absence due to work demands and felt taken for granted and emotionally abandoned. I was also struggling with the contempt shown by her homophobic parents about our relationship, which put strain on our relationship and I blamed my wife, even though it wasn’t her fault. I felt resentful and found myself again tempted to look elsewhere for validation. I hate myself for saying it but I craved attention. I love my wife so much. She is the perfect match for me, despite the (fairly minor) problems we’ve been having. But ever since we first met I’ve craved time to explore my sexuality and experience sex with other partners outside the constraints of a relationship. This is something I have never experienced having been in a string of committed monogamous relationships since the age of 14 ( I am now almost 30). I have been open about these feelings with my wife, but it’s understandably difficult for her as she doesn’t share the same desires and has had multiple partners in the past and grown bored of it. This feeling was compounded when we got married. Our wedding was wonderful in so many ways and the feeling of bonding and union that followed was profound. But I couldn’t help feeling that I had committed to something that I didn’t fully understand or necessarily agree with. Are humans ever truly monogamous? Do we truly stop seeing or seeking fulfilment from other people, even when we are deeply in love with one person in particular, even after we marry them? Does desire for others disappear simply because we have promised loyalty to one person only? This hasn’t been my experience. I have always considered myself to be monogamous and staying faithful has always come easily to me. But as I get older, the urge for self-exploration has grown and I’ve begun to think differently about it. These feelings and urges started to overwhelm me, to the point where I found it virtually impossible, despite countless failed attempts, to cut off all contact with the other woman. Eventually the messaging led to meeting in person, which then led to sex. I know, how depressingly predictable. We have now had sex several times and the guilt of it is consuming me. Where the comparatively innocent text messaging phase offered me a certain amount of enjoyment and I must selfishly admit, a much needed ego boost, the development of the relationship has turned into something altogether darker and far more shameful. I can’t understand how it got to this point, and I’m terrified because I am becoming emotionally involved with the other woman and I know she has very strong feelings for me. I feel responsible for her happiness and don’t want to hurt her. Although she has given me a great deal of sexual gratification, I will never love her and can’t imagine ever leaving my wife, who is the love of my life. I feel so utterly stupid and can’t believe I have got myself into this situation. My relationship is deemed by others to be the ideal relationship, and I have always been overcome by so much pride and gratitude for having such a wonderful and strong relationship with someone so amazing. How can I ever thought I needed more? How could I ever have jeopardised that? What in me is missing? Why did I do this? I can’t stop asking myself why. I have made a decision to seek counselling to help me work through my issues and understand better why I have done this. There is obviously part of me that is unfulfilled and I have been using sex as means by which to entertain and reassure myself. It gave me a sense of self-worth, and I have always relied on the attention and love of women to give me this. But now I have no self-worth, only disgust and self-hatred. I have decided that I can’t tell my wife what I have done. I have confided in a friend who has agreed that the most constructive way forward would be to end the affair immediately and focus on my marriage. Do everything I can to reconnect with my wife and make sure nothing like this ever happens again. In the meantime, I need to learn to deal with the horrible, all consuming guilt and self-disgust I have brought upon myself. I cannot cause my wife the pain it would cause if I told her what I’d done. I won’t serve any good purpose. All I want to do is put this behind me. Accept it as a terrible mistake and one of life’s big lessons, and learn from it. The thought of cheating on her again sickens me. But if a time arrives where I find myself tempted to stray again, I will have to accept that it is an ongoing pattern of behaviour and will be forced to discuss it with my wife and be totally honest and transparent with her. If that happens I won’t be unable to put it down to just being a one-off ‘terrible mistake.’ Everyone is capable of making mistakes. Even good people make mistakes. But to make the same mistakes again and again is reprehensible, especially when they result in someone else’s pain, and I want to do everything in my power to make sure this doesn’t happen again. I feel so utterly powerless now. I feel like my self-control has been tested to the limit and I’ve felt powerless to resist the temptation of this other woman, even though I know that, as humans, we are capable of mastering our temptation and regulating our behaviour. I can’t deny that I have found the other woman extremely exciting and have been utterly seduced by her. But I know it’s lust and not love and will never compare to what I have with my wife. I am not trying to assuage my guilt by not telling her. I will feel sick to the stomach with guilt whether I tell her or not and will punish myself for a long time to come I’m sure. But I have the opportunity to shield her from pain and suffering. And if I can, I will, whilst allowing myself to feel all the misery of remorse that I so deserve, and deal with it alone, with the help of a counsellor and close friends. I realise that life is testing me in a way I have never experienced before. And all I want to do is recognise the magnitude of my wrongdoing and work to better myself for the future. My friend tells me that punishing myself forever with serve no one, and that instead I have to find a way to move on from this, and learn from it. I am not a perfect person. I am selfish and flawed. But I am a good person too and I know I can be better. I’m hoping there’s someone out there who can relate?