Literally just saw a text on DH phone from my best friend saying lumu :(

[autismmumwithafamily]

What do I do.
Standing in the kitchen waiting for the kettle and my husbands phone beeps. It's a delayed text from midnight. It's from my best friend. It says 'nite gorgeous lumu'
I am stunned and my heart is going like the clappers. We have 4 children. She has been on family holidays with us, my children call her auntie. My marriage is not great but mainly because he's been foul to me recently. I can't even cry.

I once sent a text to the mechanic that fixes my car, that was meant for my DP... it was rather embarrassing, but I did immediately follow up with an ‘oops not meant for you’

@ladybee28 I was going to say the same, hysterical speculation is not remotely helpful.

I remember posting years ago about exh and his best friend’s girlfriend and got a load of wild scenarios about what they must have been doing and when which were inaccurate and just made me feel 10 times worse.

Can we focus on being supportive and leave all the drama llama-ing please?

This is absolutely disgusting behaviour op.

He has not only betrayed you but your 2 dc aswell who will no doubt suffer the consequences of his selfish actions.

Have you gone to work today?

I wouldn't contact her at all. She is an absolute twat. They both are.

Hugs to you, I have an autistic child too and know how bloody hard it is.
He has fully taken advantage of you being exhausted and going to bed early.

Stay strong lovely

So sorry you are going through this. If you can, hide his phone then text her from your phone saying you think he is having an affair. She is likely to text him to warn him. And you will then see her message.

go ICE COLD on her OP... take no prisoners... ICE COLD... she must know that she is DEAD to you

Ok breath.. collect your thoughts. Don't rush this gain evidence. Do not be played a fool.

Hi op I discovered my h had an affair with my ’ bff’ around 6weeks ago. She came clean 8years later!!! The fallout is horrendous.
You will be feeling awful and if you bottle it all up to hide it from your dc’s it will take it’s toll. Is there anyone you can talk to IRL? I discovered I do have other people who are very good friends because of this. If not i’m Happy to talk to you! You will be in shock for a long time, shaking is normal, not eating is normal but try to take care of yourself for you and your DC’s. Can you get away for a few days? I just left for the weekend and went to my sister. Don’t worry about the kids let him deal with them for a change. You need some space to gather yourself. Use the joint account to book yourself a hotel!
Finances- if you have a separate account move some money from the joint account.
My h and ow used a game called words with friends to message each other- I hadn’t known.
If you think he might turn nasty find an excuse to get him out the house for a few hours, change the locks and pack him a bag leaving it outside. Get someone to be with you when he gets back.

My h and I are trying to work through because it was a long time ago. But I wish I’d known at the time so I could see things for myself.

I needed to know everything but some people don’t.

There is a support thread for betrayed partners on the relationship board, come join are not so merry band.

I’m so sorry for you x x you haven’t really lost a friend just the person you thought she was x

Christ this is awful, op I hope they get their comeuppance and you deserve better

I hope you got the screenshot of the message. Don’t confront him until you have more proof. Ask him in a day “when did you last hear from OW?” His answer will be enough to let you know if he is lying to you again.
Don’t let you you know password for his phone, just keep checking it.
Ask OW same thing, if she says “oh I text your DH last weekend by mistake, did he mention it” that may be good, but if she doesn’t mention this text it’s a sign to start watching her.
I’m sorry you’re going through this again with your DH

I hope you’re ok op sending you strength

I don't have much to say, as some of the advice here has been excellent, but I couldn't read and run.

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. Above everything else, please be kind to yourself. None of this is your fault. Do what feels best for you and your little one(s). Look after yourself, and confide in someone you trust.

Sorry Op what a shit situation.

If you are all mates together and see each other regularly as a three, I'd be tempted to gather your evidence and then spring it on them both in person in front of you, then you can instantly see their reactions and they wont be able to collaborate away from you (though
they can obviously agree with whatever the quickest thinking one says in the heat of the moment).

If he has form for cheating before, I don't expect she and he will have any kind of future - it's likely to be diversion/sport for him, not the great lost love of his life.

Given she's your friend it's not going to reflect well on her either - I'd place bets on her running a mile from him too.

This means he stands to lose everything to be honest so you're holding all the cards. Take your time to decide what you want to happen and remain calm. He'll probably try to imply or say you're deluded or mad or paranoid. You're not. Just more unpleasant manipulative behaviour. Good luck.

If you confront now she will say she sent it to the wrong person.

she's the person I would ring in this horrible situation

I'd be very tempted to do this just as soon as I had more information. Don't let on that you know it is her - just let her know that you are worried that you DH is having an affair. In fact I wouldn't ring - I'd be inviting myself around for a coffee - preferably when her DH was at home too!

Just realised - she is "single" - so scrap the bit where I said go around when her DH is home x

It takes more courage to question him then ignore it. My exh had a message come up on his phone from his boss on Christmas Day saying something similar. He was jittery as he read it and when I questioned it he said “she’s like that with everyone”my gut told me she wasn’t my heart believed him ... I went with my heart and was wrong, but I had a young child and didn’t know what to do. For your own peace of mind ask him. Don’t make my mistake.

She's single and as far as OP knows, isn't seeing anyone.
He's cheated in the past.
He's deleted all her other texts - and no one else's.
They both know OP goes to bed early - it was sent late.
He's been treating OP really badly recently.

It doesn't look good, does it...

OP, I'd probably sit on it and wait, but I can understand if you can't.

Sorry Op . I don't know who I could be more hurt by, my BF or DH! I agree with everyone who has said to gather evidence and bide your time. Stay strong!

Knowledge is power. They don't know you know. I'd be tempted to run rings round them. But that only works when you get mad, not while you're still hurt and in shock.

I'm so sorry OP. I discovered my DH's affair via a text message almost 2 years ago, however I can recall the way I felt in that moment as though it was yesterday.

My tuppence worth would be that once you are sure and if you have no intention of trying to save your marriage, stop digging. The stuff you will find can't be unseen and it will hurt you, haunt you, and eat away at your self esteem.

I know how terrifying it is to have the rug pulled out from under you. I remember the overwhelming sense of how unfair it was that mine and my DC's futures had now been determined by my fuckwit DH and his selfish decisions.

You gave him a second chance and he's done it again. Be brave now. You and the DC will be fine without him. You really will.

As for her, she hasn't been your friend for a long time and if she loves him, she has probably grown to resent you. I agree that exposing their shameful behaviour will make them see it for what it is as they'll be getting off on the secrecy.

Of course people text people by accident. I once text my boss asking if she needed anything from the supermarket ffs. Luckily she understood (and told me to get bread hahaha)