Husband & porn - please only comment if you can be helpful or supportive as I genuinely can’t cope

[Ifeeldreadful]

I’ve name changed for this, as I feel truly dreadful, and don’t want this situation associated with the ‘regular’ me.

This is very long, and please, if you can’t say anything helpful or supportive, then please don’t comment - I just can’t take it.

My child seemed quite unwell. I wanted to check the symptoms online, but realised I’d left my phone in the bathroom from when my DD had a bath earlier & I’d caught up on emails. I couldn’t find the laptop, and in my panic I just went and opened the bathroom door and caught my Husband sat on the toilet ‘enjoying’ porn on the laptop.

He very quickly tried to close the window down, but I’d seen about 1 second of it. It looked like ‘regular’ porn, but I’m just utterly disgraced, incensed in fact that he was ‘enjoying’ any porn. I looked at him with disgust, and just said ‘seriously,’ before walking out with my phone and slamming the door.

I didn’t know what to do, but ever since then, I’ve wished I’d taken the laptop off of him and watched what he was watching - I just can’t cope with the betrayal of him using porn full stop, but then also not being able to see what he was watching is absolutely destroying me.

I also hate the fact that I don’t know if he continued to use the video after I’d fled the room in a clearly angered state.

I was physically shaking and thought I was going to be sick. I went and cuddled my child and tried to continue normally, in the hope that I could speak with him whenever he next showed his face, but I couldn’t cope. I went to our child’s bedroom and cried uncontrollably and hyperventilated, and couldn’t stop shaking. I wanted to stop crying and quickly get my child and I ready to get out of the house, but I failed miserably. I didn’t want her to see me like that, nor the neighbours, so I only managed to put my coat on and wipe my mascara from my cheeks before he came into the room.

He told me how sorry he was, and put his arm around me. I shuddered and told him not to touch me. I couldn’t look at him, or even in his general direction. My shaking was terrible by that point, and I burst into uncontrollable tears again. Our child came running in and hugged me and asked what was wrong & went and got tissues for me. I tried my best to stop crying and get my shit together, as I don’t want her seeing her Mummy like that, and for the sake of my unborn child. Obviously I couldn’t discuss/address anything with our child there, and all I ended up saying to him is ‘how does he think I feel for watching it in the first place, but when I’m 39 weeks pregnant too, and when I’ve hardly had a spare moment to myself like usual and he has done as he pleases all morning.’

He kept apologising and saying he’d been stupid. He said he’d gone on YouTube to watch something and clicked on another video, and then he saw that one and started watching it. He started blaming the internet saying how easy it is to access porn.

I don’t believe him however, and I’m convinced that he uses it regularly. A few years ago before we had our child, I came home early and caught him then. I went ballistic and was distraught. He promised he’d never watch it again. I have never got over catching him that time, and now it’s happened again.

It may sound strange, but a huge problem for me is that I don’t know exactly what he was watching. From the seconds I saw, it all looked ‘normal,’ and with female adults, and I don’t doubt the content for a second. I just simply feel I have to see properly what these women look like, and what exactly they were doing. It’s the unknown that I can’t deal with. I’ve dwelled on it over and over since the first incident, and always wished I’d demanded that he show me the video.

I went and searched the laptop history earlier, and tried to access his YouTube account, but funnily enough the bastard doesn’t use a password for that that I know. We know each other’s passwords for everything else. I tried a few different passwords and gave up in severe frustration and a sea of tears. I wanted to cut all of his clothes up!

I was ‘forced’ into trying to act normally as our child was there, so I think he thinks I’m handling this better than I am, but I can’t get over it. I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in the same bed as him, and I’ve been crying for hours.

I can’t handle not seeing what he watched, and the feeling of being lied to, and the betrayal of it all (including using an unknown password). I was really hoping I could just sit and watch it without him knowing, but now I feel that the only chance of trying to move on is if I demand that he sends me a link to the video and I can watch it in private (no way could I watch it with him there). I just don’t feel I can continue with the relationship until I can watch the content and try to come to terms with it all. The thought of him being present at our child’s birth and seeing me so vulnerable is repulsing me.

Do you think I should demand that he sends me the video link?

I’m honestly thinking of taking our child and staying with my parents as I can’t cope. Obviously I don’t want to do this and uproot her, but also because I want to give birth st our local hospital and my parents live ages away.

Please advise and comfort me. Thank you in advance.

PS When I found out that my ex had been to a strip club, I was very upset and everyone else was telling me that it was normal and fine and it’s just what men do. I thought I had a big problem with it and went for counselling. Then I realised the problem was with him and his friends and with those in society who normalise this kind of sexist behaviour. It’s really disappointing to skim through and see six pages of comments telling the OP that this is what men do. Women don’t have to put up with men doing this. If we tell ourselves “it’s just what men do”, it excuses their sh*tty behaviour.

You may have been more upset than normal, OP, because you are feeling vulnerable and emotional but it’s perfectly fine and normal to be upset by your partner watching pornography. Please don’t be persuaded that there is anything wrong with you for being upset by it. You don’t have to put up with it. We accept this cr@p behaviour from men but, if it was the other way around, it would never be accepted by them.

You are normal and you are entitled to be upset by this.

There's nothing wrong with the OP being 'upset', and not wanting porn in her marriage is totally fine and entirely up to them, but the hysterical response of physically shaking, hyperventilating and crying uncontrollably in front of your child, and being repulsed by the thought of him at the birth is way out of proportion. And pointing that out is not being unsupportive.

I dont have a massive issue with my OH watching porn. I wouldn’t want him to ever do it when I’m in the house though. I’d find that massively disrespectful.
Anyway - the OP DOES have a problem with porn and if her OH knew how she felt about it from the last time she caught him then it’s not ok. If wanking to porn is something he doesn’t want to stop doing then he should have ended the relationship the first time, or at the very least only done it discreetly when she wasn’t at home, and certainly not when she’s 39 weeks pregnant and probably feel exhausted and crap.

Of course he uses porn regularly.
Your problem however, is you running round after the DC whilst pregnant whilst he 'does as he pleases all morning.'

It's totally fine to be strongly anti-porn, and for it to be a deal-breaker in your relationship. But however anti-porn you are, your extremely physical emotional response was not normal

Well, because it is a deal breaker for me I would probably react the same way as OP, because my marriage would be ending.

I would also act similar to the OP because it would also make my husband a hypocrite and a liar.

I think crying, and shaking would be understandable.

again with the 'cool wives' comments.
Some people are allowed to have a difference of aopinion that's actually their own

If you don't want porn in your relationship op, that's fine, there's nothing wrong with that.
Some men don't use it.
I think when you've calmed down you need to look why you reacted this majorly though. ( wantimg to cut his clothes up.)
If you don't want porn, you need to talk about this, rationally.
If he promises not to use it, then it's something he should stick to.
If he isn't/doesn't want to ( which he has a right to) then he needs to be honest with you.
Telling you that he won't use it and then still doing it ( to shut you up) is not fair on you and will lose any trust between you.
He can't promise this and then try to hide it, it's not fair on you.
He needs to be honest.

Anyway - the OP DOES have a problem with porn and if her OH knew how she felt about it from the last time she caught him then it’s not ok.
Agree with this.
Your husband should not have told told you he wasn't going to use it if he was just going to lie.
Please don’t feel pressured by other posters to accept that all men watch porn and that it’s ok
Agree. A lot may, but that does not mean all.
I may not have a problem with it, but it does not mean the op is wrong for not liking it.
We all have certain boundaries in our relationships!
This is yours op.

Dreadful I would react in exactly the same way you did.

I have a boyfriend and I know that he doesn't use porn.

I would end a relationship over it and in your position much of the anger would come from the fear of feeling trapped.

If my current relationship ended permanently, I wouldn't enter into another. The likelihood of meeting another man who never uses porn is next to none.

It's not an extreme reaction if this is a dealbreaker for you.

I almost can't believe I'm responding to this, as I'm half convinced it's been planted as a pure gf comment. Anyhow:
You believe porn is disgusting. Yet society has encouraged men from a young age to use it
What a load of crap. Perhaps other males encourage it from an early age (which is still pathetic and damaging behavior), but not society as a whole.
Maybe pathetic permissive opinions such as this and others found on this thread are why my 10 year old daughter was asked by a 12 year old to suck his dick, while in his home on a visit to family friends, which turned into a potentially dangerous situation. What a great introduction to the sexual behavior of males that was. That wasn't the end of it, but I doubt all you porn apologists would see any links whatsoever with the prevalence and ease of access to porn ppl have nowadays. Bloody disgusting.

Yeah when I was a kid porn was soft core stuff on dodgy german channels, some, again soft ish, mags, and soft core movies you spotted in the video shop. Now it's incest, double penetration, she male, gang bang, facial, anal, anal & more anal - all hard core. Anal was something I associated with gay men when I was a kid/teenager. Im sure some ppl did it eg last tango but it wasn't a mainstream hetero sex act. Apparently youth counsellor are having a vastly increasing no of young women tell them they're being pressured to do anal by boyfriends and hook up partners.

You can't help but think that it's the availability and tolerance that has led to more and more extreme stuff.

Whether young men growing up/with no sexual experience can distinguish the difference between porn sex and real sex .

• You would hope so but...

Back with the op - are you mentioning significantly it being 'normal' porn because you have caught him or a previous partner viewing extreme/child porn or ..? Because obviously that puts a different angle on things.

I agree merville, and can't see it getting any better while the vast majority of porn consumers treat it all as one homogeneous mass of titillating material, without looking into the ethics and access issues.

Historically inaccurate - how fking depressing. We think the worlds getting better re how women/our daughters get treated and what they have to deal with, then you experience something like that. What did his parents have to say?

Sorry cross posted, was referring to the 12 year old's sexual 'demand'

Actually I think the OP not wanting her husband at the birth because of this is deeply rational. Birth is as exposed and vulnerable as the female genitals get (sorry OP!) and if you believe that porn is an expression of loathing for women’s bodies and sexual humanity, why would you want a man who consumes it so enthusiastically to witness your vulnerable body in extremis? That’s entirely logical and reasonable (if that’s how you feel about porn - and it is how the OP feels about it). He’s got no inalienable right to be there (nobody has, whatever the circumstances). When it comes to birth, the only thing that matters is what the woman wants and what will help her do what she needs to do.

He has not betrayed you. Porn is something many people enjoy as part of fantasy or masturbation and others watch it as a couple!
You are risking your relationship over this over reaction.

It’s really sad the number of women who think this is normal and acceptable behaviour in a relationship.
I think part of what would piss me off about it - and it may be part of your reaction op - is the way it shoves the position women are in in your face. We are expected to accept and tolerate - even welcome - our male partners purchasing commercial sex in various forms from this massive industry. But they are not being asked to accept the same treatment from women. Yes, some women do watch porn. But there is no separate industry dedicated to laying men out commercially, often in very humiliating and disempowered ways, for our pleasure.
You don’t have to accept this status quo if you don’t want to.there are worse things than being alone and one of them is being treated like a schmuck.

“You are risking your relationship”. Yes, in the minds of many women, loss of relationship with a man is a frightening prospect.
Sad.

Do not shame him for using a very normalised medium to express himself.

Is jacking off in the bathroom 'expressing yourself' now?!

Surely jacking off in the bathroom should have been private..where is he supposed to do it, the garden?

The OP has vanished. Cat among the pigeons eh?

Surely jacking off in the bathroom should have been private..where is he supposed to do it, the garden?

Maybe he should have locked the door if privacy was so important.

Wheresmy - very true.

Thing is, while I've certainly had relationships with men who don't use porn (or rarely use it) I would say they're probably in the minority. I suppose people are thinking that the op or any woman who feels that way will be throwing away a partner with low likelihood of replacing him (most ppl want a partner in life) with a man who's any different.

So now you have to lock a bathroom door to be given privacy..a closed door isn't enough... really?!

I open all the doors in my own house whenever I want. If I don't want my door to be opened by someone I lock it ..I thought that was common sense.