Husband & porn - please only comment if you can be helpful or supportive as I genuinely can’t cope

[Ifeeldreadful]

I’ve name changed for this, as I feel truly dreadful, and don’t want this situation associated with the ‘regular’ me.

This is very long, and please, if you can’t say anything helpful or supportive, then please don’t comment - I just can’t take it.

My child seemed quite unwell. I wanted to check the symptoms online, but realised I’d left my phone in the bathroom from when my DD had a bath earlier & I’d caught up on emails. I couldn’t find the laptop, and in my panic I just went and opened the bathroom door and caught my Husband sat on the toilet ‘enjoying’ porn on the laptop.

He very quickly tried to close the window down, but I’d seen about 1 second of it. It looked like ‘regular’ porn, but I’m just utterly disgraced, incensed in fact that he was ‘enjoying’ any porn. I looked at him with disgust, and just said ‘seriously,’ before walking out with my phone and slamming the door.

I didn’t know what to do, but ever since then, I’ve wished I’d taken the laptop off of him and watched what he was watching - I just can’t cope with the betrayal of him using porn full stop, but then also not being able to see what he was watching is absolutely destroying me.

I also hate the fact that I don’t know if he continued to use the video after I’d fled the room in a clearly angered state.

I was physically shaking and thought I was going to be sick. I went and cuddled my child and tried to continue normally, in the hope that I could speak with him whenever he next showed his face, but I couldn’t cope. I went to our child’s bedroom and cried uncontrollably and hyperventilated, and couldn’t stop shaking. I wanted to stop crying and quickly get my child and I ready to get out of the house, but I failed miserably. I didn’t want her to see me like that, nor the neighbours, so I only managed to put my coat on and wipe my mascara from my cheeks before he came into the room.

He told me how sorry he was, and put his arm around me. I shuddered and told him not to touch me. I couldn’t look at him, or even in his general direction. My shaking was terrible by that point, and I burst into uncontrollable tears again. Our child came running in and hugged me and asked what was wrong & went and got tissues for me. I tried my best to stop crying and get my shit together, as I don’t want her seeing her Mummy like that, and for the sake of my unborn child. Obviously I couldn’t discuss/address anything with our child there, and all I ended up saying to him is ‘how does he think I feel for watching it in the first place, but when I’m 39 weeks pregnant too, and when I’ve hardly had a spare moment to myself like usual and he has done as he pleases all morning.’

He kept apologising and saying he’d been stupid. He said he’d gone on YouTube to watch something and clicked on another video, and then he saw that one and started watching it. He started blaming the internet saying how easy it is to access porn.

I don’t believe him however, and I’m convinced that he uses it regularly. A few years ago before we had our child, I came home early and caught him then. I went ballistic and was distraught. He promised he’d never watch it again. I have never got over catching him that time, and now it’s happened again.

It may sound strange, but a huge problem for me is that I don’t know exactly what he was watching. From the seconds I saw, it all looked ‘normal,’ and with female adults, and I don’t doubt the content for a second. I just simply feel I have to see properly what these women look like, and what exactly they were doing. It’s the unknown that I can’t deal with. I’ve dwelled on it over and over since the first incident, and always wished I’d demanded that he show me the video.

I went and searched the laptop history earlier, and tried to access his YouTube account, but funnily enough the bastard doesn’t use a password for that that I know. We know each other’s passwords for everything else. I tried a few different passwords and gave up in severe frustration and a sea of tears. I wanted to cut all of his clothes up!

I was ‘forced’ into trying to act normally as our child was there, so I think he thinks I’m handling this better than I am, but I can’t get over it. I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in the same bed as him, and I’ve been crying for hours.

I can’t handle not seeing what he watched, and the feeling of being lied to, and the betrayal of it all (including using an unknown password). I was really hoping I could just sit and watch it without him knowing, but now I feel that the only chance of trying to move on is if I demand that he sends me a link to the video and I can watch it in private (no way could I watch it with him there). I just don’t feel I can continue with the relationship until I can watch the content and try to come to terms with it all. The thought of him being present at our child’s birth and seeing me so vulnerable is repulsing me.

Do you think I should demand that he sends me the video link?

I’m honestly thinking of taking our child and staying with my parents as I can’t cope. Obviously I don’t want to do this and uproot her, but also because I want to give birth st our local hospital and my parents live ages away.

Please advise and comfort me. Thank you in advance.

Know your place, woman

Give her a break. She's a victim of internalised misogyny. We can only hope she sees sense soon.

OK, having a wank while watching porn, then. What on earth is the big deal?

Try reading the thread. Some people have posted their reasons already.

Here is a quote from someone up thread

Women in porn are often abused and trafficked. They are not exhibitionists who love sex and make loads of money, (although I'm sure your porn sick husbands live to tell you this) most get paid a pittance while the male directors and producers get rich. Most have experienced abuse and rape and have a messed up relationship with sex and with their own bodies.
Studies show that 90% want to quit the (male dominated and highly exploitative) industry

Is that a good enough reason?

Perhaps you should speak to your DH without the theatrics... like adults in a relationship

She did that, the first time. He promised not to watch it again but did.

So fat lot of good talking to him like an adult did, when he can't be adult enough to admit he was never going to give it up.

I understand that's it's not a big deal for you and thats wonderful. It happens to be a big deal for the op, it's really not anyone else's place to questions another persons boundaries in their relationship. We all have our own lines for whatever reason.
I probably wouldn't have reacted in the same way as the op, but she did, she's 39 weeks pregnant and has said to her husband previously she doesn't like porn use.
I think she's perfectly within her rights to react whatever the fuck way she wants.
No one is saying their husbands can't have privacy or have a wank I just think there are ways to do it that don't disrespect your partner.

Is that a good enough reason?

Meh, not really. Depends what porn you watch. We tend to watch amateur and home videos and actually, some people do enjoy making porn, as I know some professional and amateur women who like their job.

Also, porn-sick husbands? Haha, does that make me a porn-sick wife? The attitudes on here are insane

U2 I wouldn’t expect my husband to ever ask what I masturbate to, it’s a private matter. Why on earth would someone even question whether their partner wanks to porn or any other stimulus or fantasy unless they are trying to exert some kind of control over them? It not acceptable for women or men to dictate what might turn someone on in private. That’s why men will often lie when questioned, just as I would lie if my dh asked me if I ever fantasize about his very handsome cousin (I don’t btw, just an example of a reasonable sexual fantasy that a woman could easily have that would upset him if he knew). Some things are better left unsaid in relationships.

Maybe she doesn't like porn in her relationship, but stopping someone from doing something? How controlling. If it was the other way around, I can imagine what good old Mumsnet would say.

Plus, if you forbid someone from doing something as harmless as watching porn, I'd say they're more likely to keep it a secret and hide it, or even go off and cheat. Ridiculous really.

You can’t promise another person to stop having a private sexual life. Most people enjoy it and porn forms part of that for a lot of people ( most men and many women).You don’t have jurisdiction over someone else’s body and desires because you’re in a relationship with them.

your 39 weeks pregnant and probably not up to DTD, I know I wasn't when I was that far along and my DP had to 'deal with himself' as I'm guessing your DH is doing as he's entitled to having sexual feelings even if your not so he's trying to deal with it in the best way he knows but I can understand being pissed off with him as your running around after your ill child whilst heavily pregnant while he's in the bathroom wanking as there's a time a place for that and it definitely wasn't then but your reaction is extreme. Take a deep breath he's watching people have sex not seeking that experience for himself, If he's a good husband otherwise I'd let it go.

That's a horrible situation. I'm pregnant right now and think if that happened to me I would take it personally because I'm at a stage where I don't feel sexy and I'd feel hurt it was done when I was in the house.

I personally watch porn from time to time. Which makes me a hypocrite but the way I see it is most people have or watch porn now and then which I think can be healthy. But I don't want to know when or what my partner would look at and that's how we've kept it.

I have low self-esteem and think if I saw what he looked at I would compare it to me but the truth is even what I watch isn't what I'd 'prefer' or even really want in really life it's just a way to get off easily and shouldn't be read into. It's just a tool and if your partner wasn't watching porn he'd be wanking to fantasies in his head just like most of us do when we sleep with our partners sometimes.

I wouldn't ask for the link it will make you feel worthless when it's nothing to do with how you look or make him feel. He's with you. He wants you more than anyone.

I have never seen anything that suggests that most men regularly use porn. I've seen studies saying that most men have seen porn at some point in their lives, but that's not in any way the same thing. Some people's reality is apparently that every man they know uses porn (how they know this, I do not know), but my reality is that I do not have a single male acquaintance, friend or relative who has ever admitted to me that they do. Obviously that doesn't mean that they don't, but I doubt they all do. Perhaps it's my age, but I hope not.

Porn can be very damaging. I put up with the 'occasional wank' for a long time until I realised it had ended up becoming a nightly thing - ruining our sex life and caused a rift in our relationship.
The only advice I can offer is to sit down and explain how it makes you feel (I specified how I found it demeaning to women and disrespectful to me, concerns with it happening regularly in the house with DC who could walk in etc.)
He understood, he stopped.

Rights cut both ways. If men have the right to use porn, women who find that problematic surely also have the right to decline relationships with those men.
It is not about telling people what to do. It’s about saying these are my standards, this is the sort of person I want to be with, and if you are not that sort of person, I’d rather not be involved with you.
We are all allowed to say this, and draw our lines where we want to.

It not acceptable for women or men to dictate what might turn someone on in private. That’s why men will often lie when questioned

I disagree. It is perfectly acceptable to ask someone you are committing to their views on porn, to see if you are compatible. I would not want to be married to a man who didn't care about the exploitation of women.

If I liked porn and my husband didn't then I would be upfront about it. I am not going to lie because I have too much self-worth to pretend not to like something to please anyone else, even my husband.

Maybe she doesn't like porn in her relationship, but stopping someone from doing something? How controlling

It is not controlling to have boundaries. No one can stop anyone from doing anything. If someone doesn't want to stop watching porn then they should be upfront about that, so their partner can then decide if they want to keep with them.

Meh, not really. Depends what porn you watch

If you can honestly say that you know with 100% accuracy that every porn video you have watched only contains women who love their job and have fully consented without being coerced at all then great. The reality is, most people who watch porn can only guess, and they take the risk that the women they are getting their sexual kicks over might happen to be one of those women who are exploited.

I very much doubt the majority of porn users are watching 'ethical' porn.

It is not about telling people what to do. It’s about saying these are my standards, this is the sort of person I want to be with, and if you are not that sort of person, I’d rather not be involved with you.
We are all allowed to say this, and draw our lines where we want to.

Yep. I am shocked that some people can't get their heads around that.

Plus, if you forbid someone from doing something as harmless as watching porn, I'd say they're more likely to keep it a secret and hide it, or even go off and cheat. Ridiculous really.
Have to think you're missing the point somewhat if you believe porn as a whole is harmless. The issue is not just about him looking at freely posted, mutually consensual amateur sex. Maybe that's why op wants to know what it is he was watching.

Some people's reality is apparently that every man they know uses porn (how they know this, I do not know), but my reality is that I do not have a single male acquaintance, friend or relative who has ever admitted to me that they do
I know a lot of men who do watch it, because dh has told me they have discussed it. However, I was previously under the impression dh had seen some in the past but didn't make a habit of it. Until I came across a disgusting bookmarked video clip on the family laptop. DC could have easily seen it (but hadn't, as they would have mentioned it to me, without a doubt). Like elefunk I soon realised it was much more frequent than I initially realised, and it intruded negatively into our sex life. How ppl can think this is acceptable in a supposedly honest relationship is beyond me. If op had found out he was gambling again (for example) after promising to stop, the advice would just about all be the same, none of this 'it's so controlling, he has a right to' bullshit. Some ppl think gambling is OK, that's fine. But to have it cause an issue in the relationship, promise not to do it, then continue in secret - that's a different matter.

Also, forgot to say how ridiculous it is to be of the opinion that asking someone not to watch porn means you are practically forcing them to cheat. Such high standards some ppl have!
Anyhow, getting the feeling that after op dropped the porn bomb and retreated, it's turned into the usual bunfight, so nothing constructive to come out of it. Sorry op, you'd do better reading old threads. It's a common story.

It might help to break it down a bit. Is it the actual porn, or the act of self pleasure? If he read an erotic story and masturbated, would that be ok? If not, then it isn't porn per se but his exclusion of you and solo gratification. Trying to be helpful to give better context

Some thoughts on exploitation:

• if the women in films are being exploited and objectified arent the men in the same films being exploited and objectified also? Yest I have never read anyone say this.

• there is exploitation in a lot of industries. For example many cheap garments are produced in unsafe unregulated and exploitative conditions. There are campaigns to change this but they seldom reach the same levels as against the porn industry as we all enjoy the access to the cheap clothes and dont want to ask too many questions about how they are produced. A double standard.

Where something is legal is lying about it so wrong? Is it truly lying or maintaining a privacy about something which the person should be allowed to keep private?

In my view the OP shouldnt have barged into the bathroom and the OP's DH should have kept the door locked.

You are risking your relationship over this over reaction.

No, he did that. If you choose you betray your partner's trust then you are the one risking the relationship. Plus, for many of us, there are worse things than losing a relationship.

Where something is legal is lying about it so wrong? Is it truly lying or maintaining a privacy about something which the person should be allowed to keep private?

It is lying. He should have told her the first time round, when he promised never to do it again, that he was going to contunue and given her the choice to end it then if she'd wanted to.

He denied her the right to do that.

I'm sorry OP that sounds awful for you as you were genuinely upset. Honestly though all this thread tells me is that the porn industry (that openly degardes women) has been successful in their mission to desensitize us to this crap! It's truly horrible to see it so clearly. Here we are as women moaning about how the world is changing and how trans women (men) are changing what is to be women (often found on MN) and yet we think it's totally acceptable to see naked women performing their junk for our men/partners. And sadly those same naked women often have broken backgrounds, are mentally unstable, and generally desperate people. How sad is that, when we are now cheering on their degradation, and it being recorded and posted online - all for a bit of "fun" for our men. What a joke.

Totally agree, Showman.

Gnome that’s what I never get. Given that most porn in heterosexual it involves both men and women in ‘action’. Yet no one ever experesses comcerns for the men’s welfare. It’s always just assumed they’re some sort of perverts forcing women to have sex with them on camera, rather than just doing a job and getting paid like their female counterparts. I’m not saying the porn industry is a model one but I don’t get the claim that’s it’s always misogynistic and exploits women. Surely it exploits everyone, or they are exploiting it, depending.

if the women in films are being exploited and objectified arent the men in the same films being exploited and objectified also? Yest I have never read anyone say this.
Are the men having uncomfortable sex /sex in orifaces not naturally intended for sex? With orgasm not the intent? /pushed or pulled around roughly etc... Are many men trafficked for sex? I don't have to go into gross detail, but men and women are not treated the same in most porn, and I'm amazed you don't understand the difference.

I couldn’t agree more, Showman.

Rumpledfaceskin - it is overwhelmingly women who are abused during the making of porn. Have a read of some Gail Dines and you will see or read testimonials by ex porn ‘stars’. For example, it is women who are penetrated in hetero porn leading to all kinds of problems, not men. I’d better not go into too much detail on here or it might be filtered out.