thinking of temporarily leaving my DP and our DC to it

[notsclue]

My DP is lovely, as are our DC - 20 yrs old - who have returned home from living away for a year.

I cannot bear it any longer in the house. If it was possible to be 'gaslighted' by your own DCs that's how it feels - I get blamed for everything. I have a counsellor and have been working on my own anger issues, but the long and short of it, is I find the atmosphere at home intolerable. When our DC were not living at home DP and I got on well; but he DP tries to please everyone, won't deny or challenge or say no, to anyone.

Anyway I have funds of my own - which until now I have used to fund my DC in a number of ways - and I'm thinking, would it be a disaster for me to move out for 9 months? I would pay good money to get my DC to move out but they will not - their DF makes it far far too comfortable for them. He does their laundry, taxi service all hours, cooks for them even when he is poleaxed with flu, (as am I). Basically he is their skivvy and I am the bad mother.

I am at a loss for how to restore some sense of empowerment in my life - if I ask DS to put new bathmat down on new wooden bathroom floor, I get absolutely no response at all - he ignores me 100%. If I say anything to my DD, I get berated - my DP agrees that our DD will fly off the handle at me unreasonably but does not tell her to stop it.

I don't want to break up the family - although DS has told me he will go NC with me asap and he hates my guts. I don't want to make my DP have to chose between his DC and me, but that is the way it seems - that all three of us (DS DD and me) are lobbying for DP's affiliation.

DP and I were never 'madly in love', we have a relationship based on our parenting, we are very very fond of one another and get along, but at no point did either of us commit to one another in anything like a way that would make me feel even a tiny bit reasonable in saying 'listen mate, back me up, or I walk'. He would 100% let me walk, in that circumstance. He wants me to stay but, being such a people pleaser, would also work with me taking a long break from home.

Has anyone taken a sabbatical from family life? Or perhaps I'm thinking crazy thoughts as I do have the worst flu ever

Is there a backstory here as to why your ds hates your guts ?

Mmmmh, if this was the case and was no other back story, I would leave permanently and stop any financial support. They are now adults and any partner should be backing you if the situation is as you described.

it sounds like you have reached a calm and clear end of the road.. you can take no more and by the sounds of it.. I don't blame you OP ... I think leaving will give you the sanity and space you need to find yourself again.. and will also cherish the peace and the self respect returning to you... good luck

I might be missing something, but why on earth would you move out? They’re 20 years old, they’ve lived away before - I think it’s time for them to find their own flat/s and leave you in peace!

Can you take a gap year? Travel abroad, work as a volunteer, whatever. Gap years aren't just for teenagers.

Is this your DCs or your DPs? It makes more sense. They like their father being a servant. They don't like you because your ways don't suit them. They don't respect you. I would leave. If your partner wants you to be with you forever he would have to talk to his children. However, for many single parents their blood children is their main priority. As hard as it sounds I would move on.

Are they your DC, or DPs DC? Parts of your post make it out like they are yours, othee parts make them sound like stepDCs?

All the very best with this topic op.

Sadly this is the taboo subject on MN: if your adult children hate you, you deserve it /you're in denial /you're a narc /etc.

All that scapegoating you're getting at home? To the power of a million on here.

Anyway yeah, go away, have an adventure, travel, have a good time, find yourself.

The DC are ours.

I think I'll look at a spot of volunteering somewhere like Loas.

The back story is that their DF is a chronic conflict avoider and im prone to outbursts of anger. I've been working on my stuff, he hasn't.

I totally agree the DC would benefit from moving out, but why would they when they have it laid on for them at home, barring their nasty mum who suggests they might want to bring all any plates and dishes they have in their room.

So they are all adult children? Yes then. Go for it. Move out and have some me time!! Dont just threaten it, do it. Travel for a bit or at the very least go on holiday for a while by yourself. I think itd probably do your anger levels the world of good too.

Sounds like, if no one would miss you, it might be worth having some fun times for yourself elsewhere.
Or family therapy to work out the issues before you take that step?

Have you considered relationship counselling with your DP? It sounds extreme that he would consider it okay for you to move out over tolerating what sounds like extremely disrespectful behaviour by the DCs. If they were in a flat-share, there is no way their behaviour would be considered acceptable so who permits them to treat mum like shit?

Good for you tackling your anger issues. You sound as if you are acknowledging your short fuse, but any person with a long and tolerant fuse would be hard-pressed to put up with this.

I've no advice but I have just stsrted a thread elsewhere about how awful my family life is (older teen dc here). I feel and have the same thoughts as you.
I'm seriously thinking just going without any announcement or prior notice. It seems none of them seem to care at all about me so why should I bother.

I'm going to watch this thread with interest.

...their DF is a chronic conflict avoider and im prone to outbursts of anger you mean he's a doormat at the beck and call to your ungrateful kids, who you have funded and you've always been the one that was bad cop?
Fuck that shit. If all you have together are the DC I'd make the split permanent. I'd use your money on you. And when they come crying that they are skint-tough. Time for you.

Sorry about it OP. It must be really heartbreaking for you. Your DH sounds as he is a bit spineless and the kids haven't understood yet what it feels like being taken for granted. Perhaps they think this is what the parents are for when their children live with them. Do they ever show you any love?

How old is everyone in this? I gathered that your ds was 20. How old are you, dp and your dd?

Has life always been this way - I mean when they were growing up? Or is it since they returned to the nest? Did both of them go and come back together. I'm assuming that dd has always been there and ds is the one that came back. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Just trying to get a better picture of what is going on.

I agree with OhWhatTheF.

Your DP is not simply a conflict avoider: he’s happy to lump all responsibility for discipline on you, and he’s happy to have your kids be disrespectful to you. He would even be happy to see you walk out of the relationship if you offered an ultimatum.

There is something odd about that. He sounds completely indifferent, even cold, towards you. Not lovely at all. I wonder if the DC have picked this up and simply become utterly confused about appropriate behaviour and boundaries with people? If they perhaps rail at you because you are the only parent that sets boundaries.

Anyway. It would not be a disaster, but a great idea if you moved out. Test the waters. See how it feels. None of them need you, and you need to build a happy life for yourself.

Life isn’t always about other people.

Perhaps it's time to take a bit of responsibility for your outbursts of anger? No one is perfect, but acknowledge the part you've played in your own distress.

I’m not anywhere near your stage of parenting. I would like to think I wouldn’t give money to adults, who disrespect me. So I’d spend the money on you. As for moving out, you seem very pragmatic, and phlegmatic, which is possibly not how you’re used to feeling as you’ve lived a lot of anger. It would give you some space, which you sound as though you need but it is a very big step and may have serious consequences for you. Your ds is already threatening nc. This could throw it over the edge.

The issue with getting therapy and changing when no one else changes with you is that you often can no longer live the status quo. I’m not surprised that you were the shouty parent living with a doormat. Someone had to try to keep your kids on the straight and narrow. However, the good cop/bad cop dynamic is extremely destabilising for children. As a result, you and your dp have brought up adults, who still appear to be children. So somewhere a lot has gone wrong with your parenting.

You’ve worked a lot on you. Now I think it’s perhaps time to have a think about how you’ve contributed to this situation. There is a lot of entitlement in your family, including your dp, who is also saying it’s his way or the highway. If you can write to your children, admitting your mistakes before you leave - if you leave - then perhaps you can create a more productive distance from eachother.

notaclue,

re your comment:-
"I think I'll look at a spot of volunteering somewhere like Loas".

With all due respect, what skill sets do you actually have?. How would you be useful volunteering abroad?. That whole issue is yet another can of worms. Why not do UK based voluntary work to begin with and see how that goes.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?.

Do you think that this relationship was really over years ago?. What this was built on really was sand. And why move out for only 9 months as well, what happens thereafter?. If you move out then make that permanent.

Both of you have played a part in getting this relationship to the state it now is. He will never take responsibility for his part in this relationship's overall demise. I would agree with there being an awful lot of entitlement here generally as well as people pleasing behaviour from your partner. As for your relationship being mainly based on parenting, well you've been the parent here whilst he never really stepped up to that and let them get on with it without proper boundaries. No wonder your now adult children are confused by the whole set up that you both showed them when they were growing up.

When you make plans to move out, know that there may never be a place for you there to go back to. Your husband could move on and meet another woman. Plan for this being permanent. Do you work? If you're going to be supporting yourself for the next 30-40 years, perhaps get a job abroad or away and build a new (hopefully fun) life. Are you leaving any friends of family members behind? Anyone in your local area that you'll miss. If you do love your husband, you could do a Mia Farrow and get your own flat nearby.

How did you treat your kids growing up for your son to hate your guts and want to go NC?

Have you ever apologised to them for your anger?

The DCs are twins. My DP is 62, I am mid 50s.

Why I'm thinking 9 months is because DS may return to university in September. I don't think DS will as a) he has missed UCAS b) his DF says he'll help him apply direct to a new uni for entry in year two and this just makes me despair because neither of them will do fuck all to actually make that happen, I have done everything to get my DS to where he is now, c) DS has a well paid job (21K) at the moment and as he is paying no rent or anything to us I think he'll find it far to comfortable to stay where he is and have money to do what he wants with.

DD is a 'creative' and longs to return to London and I think by Sept she will have done so. I have offered to fund her to live in a flat share in London if she then sorts out working for her living costs, but she won't go yet - there are all kinds of reasonable reasons for this connected with her creative work - think dance, acting, singing, musician kind of stuff.

I have owned my own part in our family dynamic until I am blue in the face - and I have apologised sincerely, without reservation, without blame, taking full responsibility for my part in the family dynamic. I have wept as I have apologised to them and told them how ashamed I am for the mistakes I have made as a parent and a partner. I'm not saying this to show me in a good light - just yes, I have apologised!! I FEEL SORRY too.
I have sought counselling, I have been on antidepressants for 10 years, I have been on self development and anger management courses. when DC were about 3 I got DP to go to Relate with me - he got angry because the therapist had the audacity to suggest that the issues might be with him just as much as with me. We never went back

Why DS wants to go NC with me is a mystery to me, to his DSis and his DF: DS won't say what it is I have done but apparently he would pull my DNA from his body if he could. I have a short temper yes, but I have never verbally abused my DCs, never hit anyone, I have broken things in front of them in anger though. Mostly I've been a flawed, liberal, loving DM. Yes I have fucked up now and then - but it's like the DC are determined to see only the bad stuff. In addition to being irritable and short tempered some days, I am also forgiving, easy going, interesting, interested, funny, insightful, I make low demands on anyone, I'm generous etc.

But it's like they are determined to take everything I say negatively. So for example, my DD said 'its been the coldest 1 March since records began!'. 'Yes, bloody freezing' say I; 'I wonder how cold it was on 1 March the winter the Thames froze over'. 'Mum, that is irrelevant, I'm saying this is the coldest 1 March since records began'. 'Yes, it is, I agree - I'm just wondering about the 17th century weather'. 'Mum you sound like Trump - a climate change denier'. And DD stomps off! this is the kind of daily stuff - nothing in itself but relentlessly negative towards me. If I said, 'oh look there's Jesus in our garden' my DC would say 'god mum you have to make everything about you and the garden'.

As they grew, (and as I read more of MM!) I asked more of them - only to have that undermined at every turn by their DF. So we had a family meeting thing (we have never had one before or since) about 10 years ago to discuss them doing anything about the house, and we all happily agreed an allocation of some chores. At the first instance of one DC not doing their chore, eg laying the table, DP steps in and does it for them. No follow through, nothing. 'They have a lifetime to do chores...' is his justification then, and now.

I have built up a successful business to the point where I no longer need to work, my business is being run by others and I take about 50K a year from it in dividends. (All the staff are well paid, I'm not some kind of mogul, and I've been very very lucky, but there it is).

I have no interest in finding another partner, I had quite looked forward to growing old without the DCs in the house but with them happily living their lives, and those lives coming in and out of our own, with my DP. We have a lovely home which I have made lovely. I don't want to leave it forever. The house is owned by my DP (not married - what a fucking fool I was there!).

I have skills that are transferable to Laos tbh! Why Laos not the UK is cos I want an adventure I think, and because I am jaded with the British/Western culture generally.