thinking of temporarily leaving my DP and our DC to it

[notsclue]

My DP is lovely, as are our DC - 20 yrs old - who have returned home from living away for a year.

I cannot bear it any longer in the house. If it was possible to be 'gaslighted' by your own DCs that's how it feels - I get blamed for everything. I have a counsellor and have been working on my own anger issues, but the long and short of it, is I find the atmosphere at home intolerable. When our DC were not living at home DP and I got on well; but he DP tries to please everyone, won't deny or challenge or say no, to anyone.

Anyway I have funds of my own - which until now I have used to fund my DC in a number of ways - and I'm thinking, would it be a disaster for me to move out for 9 months? I would pay good money to get my DC to move out but they will not - their DF makes it far far too comfortable for them. He does their laundry, taxi service all hours, cooks for them even when he is poleaxed with flu, (as am I). Basically he is their skivvy and I am the bad mother.

I am at a loss for how to restore some sense of empowerment in my life - if I ask DS to put new bathmat down on new wooden bathroom floor, I get absolutely no response at all - he ignores me 100%. If I say anything to my DD, I get berated - my DP agrees that our DD will fly off the handle at me unreasonably but does not tell her to stop it.

I don't want to break up the family - although DS has told me he will go NC with me asap and he hates my guts. I don't want to make my DP have to chose between his DC and me, but that is the way it seems - that all three of us (DS DD and me) are lobbying for DP's affiliation.

DP and I were never 'madly in love', we have a relationship based on our parenting, we are very very fond of one another and get along, but at no point did either of us commit to one another in anything like a way that would make me feel even a tiny bit reasonable in saying 'listen mate, back me up, or I walk'. He would 100% let me walk, in that circumstance. He wants me to stay but, being such a people pleaser, would also work with me taking a long break from home.

Has anyone taken a sabbatical from family life? Or perhaps I'm thinking crazy thoughts as I do have the worst flu ever

What if you tell him youmre ready to divirce and want to sell the house. Either he’ll back his udeas up or aelling the family house might be the best solution for you - no freeloading DC. I wouldn’t be contributing to them financially in any way as long as they are awful to you.

Wrt the house - have you contributed to the mortgage, upkeep, renovations?

If so, you can establish a ‘beneficial interest’ in the property legally.

My feeling from the latest information is that your DP may be mildly, subtly abusive.

First you seem to have taken all the blame for faults in parenting, where much of the problem lies with him. This strikes me as his narrative. When you, in therapy, tried to hint that he might be partially responsible he refused to go back iirc. The bad mother, bad wife narrative is common from abusive men. It keeps the woman disempowered and on the back foot.

The not eating your food is part of this. As other posters have said this is mechanism to keep you in your place, it’s a control ploy. Fairly common in abusive relationships.

You are at the bottom of the pecking order in your house: DP comes first, then the kids, you on the lowest rung.

I think your kids appalling treatment of you comes from your DP. I think they unconsciously follow his lead in disrespect and blame.

Finally, I strongly suspect the no marriage and thus no joint house ownership was his wish so that you had no claim on his money. And you were too meek to insist on it. You do actually have some claim on it as I said above.

re house, it would seem you were about to pay for some work on the house. Glad that you have revoked.
If it has always been you who pays upkeep/new kitchen/furnishings etc, then you have a claim on a proportion of it's value.
I think you will find P will just say "if you are leaving you are not coming back", You need to look into this before "the talk"

I think it would be a good idea to have legal advice ahead of any talks, so you understand your position clearly, and the implications of leaving.

I don’t think anyone will show distress at you leaving. Quite the opposite, I suspect, to ‘prove’ to you how hated you are.
20 is not adult or mature imv. I would treat the DCs as irritating teenagers ie don’t rise to the bait.
I’m surprised people think it’s a good idea to walk out on your DCs. Imagine we are 10 years down the line and you hear through the grapevine that there is a wedding or birth of first grandchild?

I think they've all cast you in a role that you have not chosen, and to change that dynamic will be incredibly difficult. But I agree that you should not just jump ship, leaving a note. That's pretty inhumane.

I think you need a step-by-step plan eg see lawyer 1st, ask them all to step up, outline consequences of not, maintain boundaries, if not working then leave.

But communicate clearly along the way, so everyone knows the score.

Yes living with some one passive us frustrating but you can’t blame your temper on some other be else. This is what make abusers do, “she makes me so angry I have to hit her”

On the contrary violent resistance is a common pattern in abuse from the victimised party. As if people should or could take abuse lying down.

Violent resistance means both parties are being violent, so it’s pretty hard to say one is the abuser and the other the victim. Always the mans fault in MN is n’t it ?

If you take it literally yes, but ‘violent’ resistance might come out in anger and defiance.

Generally it’s not hard to say who’s the abuser in an abusive relationship. I think you may be confusing violent resistance with common couple violence where violence is committed equally by both partners.

Always the mans fault in MN is n’t it ?

Only if you’re really stupid.