thinking of temporarily leaving my DP and our DC to it

[notsclue]

My DP is lovely, as are our DC - 20 yrs old - who have returned home from living away for a year.

I cannot bear it any longer in the house. If it was possible to be 'gaslighted' by your own DCs that's how it feels - I get blamed for everything. I have a counsellor and have been working on my own anger issues, but the long and short of it, is I find the atmosphere at home intolerable. When our DC were not living at home DP and I got on well; but he DP tries to please everyone, won't deny or challenge or say no, to anyone.

Anyway I have funds of my own - which until now I have used to fund my DC in a number of ways - and I'm thinking, would it be a disaster for me to move out for 9 months? I would pay good money to get my DC to move out but they will not - their DF makes it far far too comfortable for them. He does their laundry, taxi service all hours, cooks for them even when he is poleaxed with flu, (as am I). Basically he is their skivvy and I am the bad mother.

I am at a loss for how to restore some sense of empowerment in my life - if I ask DS to put new bathmat down on new wooden bathroom floor, I get absolutely no response at all - he ignores me 100%. If I say anything to my DD, I get berated - my DP agrees that our DD will fly off the handle at me unreasonably but does not tell her to stop it.

I don't want to break up the family - although DS has told me he will go NC with me asap and he hates my guts. I don't want to make my DP have to chose between his DC and me, but that is the way it seems - that all three of us (DS DD and me) are lobbying for DP's affiliation.

DP and I were never 'madly in love', we have a relationship based on our parenting, we are very very fond of one another and get along, but at no point did either of us commit to one another in anything like a way that would make me feel even a tiny bit reasonable in saying 'listen mate, back me up, or I walk'. He would 100% let me walk, in that circumstance. He wants me to stay but, being such a people pleaser, would also work with me taking a long break from home.

Has anyone taken a sabbatical from family life? Or perhaps I'm thinking crazy thoughts as I do have the worst flu ever

Oh dear lord that's an essay - sorry, I've probably killed the thread dead.

I think it's a great idea to take some time out doing something you'd enjoy. It sounds like you've spent a lot of time supporting others and getting very little back in return. Time to do something for yourself.

Your h is the problem. He sounds useless. I’d seriously think about leaving him.

It’s hard to say how much your anger has been caused by your relationship and your dd, and how much not. But your dc’s behaviour is unacceptable. You are the adult, they are dc. They should be paying you rent, doing chores, and being civil to you, at a minimum. Again, your h is the problem.

If you had a good relationship with your h, i’d say to ask both dc to move out. But you don’t. I can’t imagine living like that. Life’s too short. I bet if you get this sorted, your anger issues will magically disappear.

The first line of your opening post says your dp and dcs are lovely, but they and their behaviour towards you is in complete contradiction of that statement. Lovely people don't think the way they think or act the way they act towards anyone let alone someone they would be reasonably expected to love and respect.

Yes go away, move out but if I were you I would look at it as becoming a permanent option. Take some legal advice so you can tie down your finances for you only and then move out and on with your life.

Go. Go and have an adventure in Loas. Your kids sound like spoilt ingrates. You can be a better parent by living an exciting life, being brave, refusing to be abused by going.
I make damn sure my kids see me living for myself once in a while, and they are young still.
You don't even have to make it a flounce. Just book it, be happy and cheerful about it, and go, they probably won't wave you off with tears, but then, who cares! X

I think you should go, they sound like entitled primadonnas, they don't respect or like you
Your husband is an enabler.
let them get on with it.
Life is short.

You know, having read your Big Reply a few posts above, I would leave. This doesn't sound like it's all your fault, and a lot of your anger issues could be down to utter frustration at your OH not backing you up and enabling your children's attitude ad behaviour. That is interesting about how he got angry at relate when it was suggested he might be part of the problem.
Congratulations on your successful business that stops you being trapped and now I would put it all towards your happiness rather than spending it on your ungrateful children.

Walk away. Up to you whether you leave the door open to going back or not.
Out of interest what does your OH do, does he work or were you the main breadwinner in the relationship?

Hi OP, I Must admit I have just skimmed your update but I am aghast on your behalf. Your 'DC" sound like fucking horrible, entitled snowflakes and I am really angry on your behalf.

I have had my problems with my Mum i the past (including going NC for a couple of years) but I would never dream of acting like that towards her, in her own house. Your husband sounds like a doormat is making things worse by not sticking up for himself or for you.

I have offered to fund her to live in a flat share in London

Fuck that, she's an adult, she can fund herself. Buy a bikini and book a flight to Thailand.

DS has told me he will go NC with me asap and he hates my guts

Let him, ungrateful little shit. I feel so angry and so sorry for you! Yes, it sounds as though you have been angry in the past, but quite frankly, who can blame you with this lot? And you are having counselling and running your own business...

I would ask all 3 of them to move out, but sounds like you've already considered this and it would be easier for you to go somewhere. Go somewhere really nice! You deserve it.

I don't think it's at all healthy to keep apologising to them for basically being a human being. It seems they are allowed to be weak, have no boundaries, treat you like shit and speak to you in a bad manner, and they aren't apologizing are they?

You have become the family scapegoat, probably ironically as you are the stronger more together one. Dad is scared of his own children.

I'd sit down with your husband and have one long last discussion. Explain that you are thinking of leaving them all to it. If he says 'fine', then I would move out with your £50k a year and stop funding them all.

Why are you funding your dd's rent in London if she can't behave civilly to you? Why is your son even in your home one second longer if he says he'd rather not be related to you.

You are everyone's whipping boy and I would indeed leave in this situation. Actually, I'd ask my children to leave I wouldn't leave my nice house and nice job, I'm happy to share these things, but only with children who are mostly (everyone has lapses or frustration) grateful, helpful and just nice to me.

Stop apologising, stop giving them money when they are adults, stop letting your children walk on you with your husband's blessing.

Honestly, how can life be worse than living with people who are contemptuous of you? If your son is going to go nc, he will do it anyway now. Don't let his threats and your husband's spinelessness ruin the rest of your life.

And- don't leave but keep the same dynamic of funding them!

That's the worst of all possible worlds as you are paying to get treated like shit.

If you leave, then the consequences for them are less money, no mum around to cushion life and no person to take their own anger out on.

Fine- let them have that life, but don't try to keep good relations from afar through money as it won't work, they'll take it but hold you in contempt. If your son hates you that much, he should be delighted to stand on his own two feet without you.

I really feel for you, it's a terrible thing to bring children into the world and raise them only to have them and their dad effectively turn on you to the point that you feel there's no option but to leave them all.

It's really good about your financial position, so you can do whatever you want really.

Everyone is saying yes just leave but how will this work in practice. Will you stay in touch with them? Are you saying I'm off and walking out and not looking back? The people who are saying it's permanent, I think that you should not put too many hard conditions around it. Slamming the door behind you is probably not going to be a good thing.

Have you mentioned your idea to DH & the kids? I mean as dramatic as it is to just up and go, in real life, and even though they're being awful, you need to talk to them and give some warning.

And what about your DD? You talk about DH & DS problems, how is she? She's off to uni, you've offered to pay for a place for her, has she taken that up? How is your relationship with her? If it's not as bad, then you don't want to chuck it away.

Also, and this is an awful thing to have to say, I was awful in teens etc. I just did whatever I wanted - my parents both just turned a blind eye - I moved out at 22 though. I didn't become a normal sane member of society who saw my parents really fully as people and not irritants until I was about maybe 24 or something. Not to say you should put up with anything, they are young though, who's to say what they will be like at 30, 40, maybe if & when they have tehir own kids etc.

I think your partner is the root cause of your anger issues because he is so laid back that he is horizontal. You and he should no longer be together because its not working and has not done so for years.

Re your comment:-

" I have skills that are transferable to Laos tbh! Why Laos not the UK is cos I want an adventure I think, and because I am jaded with the British/Western culture generally"

With all due respect how would you be useful abroad let alone Laos?. It needs far more thought, why there too?. Do you know anything at all about the country, its culture, working there, the language?. Ever read Lonely Planet guides and the Foreign Office travel advice on Laos?. Doing voluntary work without the necessary skill sets simply harms and sets further back the people you are trying to help. And what is wrong with volunteering in this country?.

They all sound vile.

DH is a spineless enabler of your children's rude and ungrateful behaviour.

Your kids are rude, spoilt and have no boundaries.

Do not continue to fund any of them, the kids are old enough to sort themselves out now.

In your shoes I would either tell the kids to move out (but your DP probably wouldn't have that) or move out yourself.

Can you make your business work for you so that you can buy yourself a property?

Have you contributed to the mortgage over the years?

Leave.
Find yourself.
Your kids are adults.
You owe your DH nothing.

I'd leave asap ... you have the finances .. Go

It sounds like you might be a perfect candidate for VSO, given the skills you have developed while building your business. Why not start looking into it? Six months abroad doing something totally different might be just what you need.

And speak to a lawyer about whether you're entitled to some of the value of the house and any other relationship assets.

Bloody hell, they sound appalling especially your DS who, sorry, sounds a nasty little shit. You have a good income, go and build a nice new life yourself.

I’d leave. Sounds as though it’s a good thing you never married, given the success of your business. Do you have the capital to buy a flat or house of your own? Perhaps take six months out to travel before deciding about that though.

If you can prove you've contributed to the material value of the house, you may be entitled to claim a share if you separate permanently.

I would not hesitate one minute, I'd decide where to go and bid them all a firm farewell.

There were some threads on here previously about living with Nr Nice and turning into an angry hellion.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2275725-Anyone-else-end-up-as-an-angry-banshee-after-living-with-Mr-Nice-passive-irresponsible

I would bet you my house and car that your anger problems will dissipate more or less immediately you leave.

I think if you don't have a share in your partner's house (though check this with a solicitor, first) then you really need to put yourself first financially. Don't help or offer to help your children now. They don't appreciate it, they're not grateful and they would just see it as their due. I daresay by their age you weren't getting money when you insulted someone, either.

Leave the DP - the idyllic peaceful retirement in your shared home isn’t going to happen.

I understand the frustration with leaving the house you made beautiful, but leave him to it - it’s big enough to house him and the kids - buy yourself a beautiful flat, focus your energies on your future.

With space you will be a better parent and they (DC) will get a new perspective. Remain available to them emotionally but stop paying out, unless it’s for a sensible life-changing positive thing for them that is a good idea and you can afford.

I got DP to go to Relate with me - he got angry because the therapist had the audacity to suggest that the issues might be with him just as much as with me. We never went back

Interesting. He gets angry if put on the spot by a third party. He doesn't sound so much a lovely people pleaser there, more of a long term evader of responsibility who is used to quietly getting his own way.

Your DS' attitude towards you is horrible.

The relationship with DD may be salvageable. I recognise that pattern of making arguments over the blandest of conversations. It can mean there is something else worrying them but they are taking it out on you because you have taken on the role of target (for their ill temper).

It is not easy to put right, but using some judicious silence, and refusing to engage, can be a good start. I am not saying you stonewall at all, just stop trying to make conversation or be nice for a while. A little quietness or tactical withdrawal can shock them out of the pattern. You will have taken away their target.

Returning to you: it seems to me that your drive and determination have kept this whole family on the road for far too long. You cannot build a successful business like that, with so little family support, unless you have those qualities in truckloads. I would guess that your tearful apologies and visits to counsellors have been symptomatic of your determination to sort out the problems, just get the thing done and dealt with. But you absolutely cannot fix everything, not even by expending tears and sweat over it.

There really is a limit, both to what is your responsibility, and what you can do.

What you choose to do next is up to you. In your position I would want to some property in my name, so you might consider trying to buy out your partner, as you love your current home. Or, see if you can get property elsewhere even if you rent it out while you volunteer elsewhere.

However, these are only suggestions. Maybe a word with an independent advisor and/or life coach might be a way forward for you. But it's time to get out of the situation you are in, put yourself first, and let your adult family come to you if they choose - rather than being the fuel that keeps them all going.

It sounds like you have nothing to stay for so you should go and make yourself happy. Be true to yourself.