thinking of temporarily leaving my DP and our DC to it

[notsclue]

My DP is lovely, as are our DC - 20 yrs old - who have returned home from living away for a year.

I cannot bear it any longer in the house. If it was possible to be 'gaslighted' by your own DCs that's how it feels - I get blamed for everything. I have a counsellor and have been working on my own anger issues, but the long and short of it, is I find the atmosphere at home intolerable. When our DC were not living at home DP and I got on well; but he DP tries to please everyone, won't deny or challenge or say no, to anyone.

Anyway I have funds of my own - which until now I have used to fund my DC in a number of ways - and I'm thinking, would it be a disaster for me to move out for 9 months? I would pay good money to get my DC to move out but they will not - their DF makes it far far too comfortable for them. He does their laundry, taxi service all hours, cooks for them even when he is poleaxed with flu, (as am I). Basically he is their skivvy and I am the bad mother.

I am at a loss for how to restore some sense of empowerment in my life - if I ask DS to put new bathmat down on new wooden bathroom floor, I get absolutely no response at all - he ignores me 100%. If I say anything to my DD, I get berated - my DP agrees that our DD will fly off the handle at me unreasonably but does not tell her to stop it.

I don't want to break up the family - although DS has told me he will go NC with me asap and he hates my guts. I don't want to make my DP have to chose between his DC and me, but that is the way it seems - that all three of us (DS DD and me) are lobbying for DP's affiliation.

DP and I were never 'madly in love', we have a relationship based on our parenting, we are very very fond of one another and get along, but at no point did either of us commit to one another in anything like a way that would make me feel even a tiny bit reasonable in saying 'listen mate, back me up, or I walk'. He would 100% let me walk, in that circumstance. He wants me to stay but, being such a people pleaser, would also work with me taking a long break from home.

Has anyone taken a sabbatical from family life? Or perhaps I'm thinking crazy thoughts as I do have the worst flu ever

My god. Fuck.

Your DP is, IMO, 90% to blame for ALL these issues over the years.

I would get the house in joint names, take half, leave him. Buy your own place. Do your own thing.

Bless you @notsclue

id go, flip them the bird as you shut the door, go and have an adventure and maybe take a lover or two. Fuck it. You only get one life and theyre treating you with contempt.

I don't think I can put it any better than Lifeisabeach09 did.

You only live once..time to start living

Op:

I can totally see how this situation has happened and I agree the root of the issue is your DP. Hasn’t he done a brilliant job of ensuring he is the favoured parent doing all sorts for them while simultaneously painting you as the villain for trying to install boundaries and responsibilities for your D.C.

In terms of your DC this situation has gone on so long (well forever as far as they are concerned) all they will know of you is as the villain your DP had created.

I don’t know really how you go about rescuing the relationship with your DC but I think you should definitely rescue yourself.

I think you do need to fully think through the ramifications and consequences of leaving. Your going to be the villain no matter what you do. If you leave you’ll be terrible mum who left them all behind (this is regardless of whether you support them financially or not and in your shoes I don’t think I would continue to fund them). If you stay, well you already know what that is like and it’s not like you are suddenly going to be appreciated any time soon.

I really would start getting very angry with your DP and I fear perhaps the only way you will effect any change is through him. By that I mean your children are they way they are with you because of him, this cannot continue. I wish I could give you some advice or thoughts on how to attempt this but sadly I can’t.

This must be so hard, I really do wish you all the best.

I’d be very tempted to rent a little Airbnb place in a nice nearby city and spend a week on my own thinking things through, as a start.

I would definitely leave with a plan to go permanently.
Prepare in terms of finances, getting your ducks in row, house etc.
It would be better for your DC in the long term that life was not handed to them on a plate.
If your DH has to live in a smaller place, without you as a whipping boy and i suspect subsidising his lifestyle i think he will be a bit less tolerable of your DC's shit.

Everyone needs a wakeup call and you have earned the right to your own life.

There has to be a calm announcement.
They will all throw their hands in the air & cry, "what about me", you are abandoning them, you are a bitch, insults & ultimatums will fly.
You need to look them all in the eye, & reassure them their lives will continue happily without you. They don't respect or like you.
& you have given everything for years with little return.
You would have liked to be loved & appreciated. time to fulfil your life in another way

20is still very young and immature for most young adults these days. They have simply never had to take much responsibility or care for anything or anyone. There is still time and hope for that to change.

Your dp sounds beyond annoying. He undermines you at every turn. The dc are protected from life but they aren’t learning any life lessons from him.

I think the idea of leaving for a short period is good to reflect on what you want and maybe investigate your options and legal/ financial affairs. The meet and discuss your decisions as adults. The dc will behave like young kids and weep and wail. You will be accused of all sorts but keep on. Write to them explaining how you love them but your life as a family unit isn’t working for you and is making you (and them) unhappy. Then stick to your plan.

Soon your dc do need to start gaining proper independence and learning to live as adults. Dh may be infantilising them to avoid being left alone. Maybe they will all carry on as they are and you will grow your wings and learn to fly. At some point, after a lot of anger I would bet they will come back to you. Perhaps with understanding and acceptance.

I think I would just pack a suitcase and go and sit on a beach for a couple of weeks and decide if you are happier without them or not.

I suspect you will be.

Fuck. The. Lot. Of. Them. I too would bet a huge amount that your anger issues will pretty much vanish once you're shot of your OP. He is bribing your kids and many years ago stabbed you in the back by landing you with the bad cop routine. The fact that he acted outraged when relationship counselling placed similar responsibility on him screams volumes. He’s sold you out a long time ago. You can’t compete in a rigged set-up. Just go and stay away for a while and then figure out what you want to do. At 20, your kids are adults and are acting like immature, spoilt and ungrateful wanknoodles. Especially, your son needs a serious dose of reality check. Do not spend a penny on them. They are more than old enough to work for anything they want. With the dividends your business pays out, put down a decent deposit and get yourself a great, indulgent bachelorette pad and invest in your own emotional and physical wellbeing. And please, do not feel guilty! It is actually the best thing you can do for your kids, to undo the dreadful parenting of your OH. He’s turned them into self-centred over indulged arseholes.

I think right now I'd focus on how to get a share of that house.

It might even be by leaving, and when he begs in shock for you to come back when your nasty little shits of DC turn on him, you say you don't until he puts the house in both names.

Then leave him anyway!!!

Do you need any in put to your business? If not I would get myself on a round the world cruise/ travel. Stop funding them and use your hard earned money on you.

I can get extremely angry and have spent time managing that anger but i realised I was becoming too passive and not saying what I felt about a situation. You are allowed to feel what you feel and are entitled to call them out on their behaviour.

Make a will before you go off on a crazy exciting adventure, leave your business and any other assets to your favourite good causes.

Enjoy your life from now on, you've earned it

There are sites like helpx and workaway where you could go and give things a try.

When I was in Cambodia I let a couple with adult (youngest was18) children. They sold the family home bought a boat and were sailing the world.

If say go now. Buy a one way ticket to somewhere and work out what you want to do from there on in.

I think your DP is stunting their development TBH and I think you probably keep on being just enough of an adult and a parent to provide a focus for their negative feelings about being stunted that they are stuck. Since they have all formed a club against you it could be really good for everyone if you disappeared to give yourself some soul food for a good chunk of time.

If you go the twins won’t have you to be mad at and your PA controlling DP won’t be able to coast anymore.

Maybe the twins will be able to grow up.

I say go.

And I doubt DS really does want to go NC with you. He’s just been trained to bully you.

If he did want to go NC I seriously doubt he’d be still in your house at 20.

What DS said strikes me more as stunted emotional development and akin to my 12 year old who ‘hates’ me, ‘might as well kill myself’ and wants to ‘drink bleach’ when I switched off the Internet after lots of warnings cos he was getting angry and shouty at his friend over a game.

He doesn’t hate me and doesn’t want to drink bleach, he is just annoyed because I’ve switched the internet off. Hazard a guess it’s similar with your DS - immaturity but with your DS it’s combined with years of his father reinforcing that actually you are worthy of contempt and to blame for everything ever.

I would be either making arrangements to take what you can legally get or to prevent your 'D'P from claiming a share in your business and leaving permanently. I don't get why one or two posters are hung up on your skill set and whether or not that will be useful in a voluntary capacity. Presumably the organisations you are considering volunteering for can decide that. Anyway, if you fancy Laos, go to Laos and send the fuckers a series of postcards detailing your newfound freedom and self respect.

I think you are right, I think you should take a leave of absence from your family.

Your DP is playing good cop and you are bad cop. He’s enabling them to treat you like shit, he’s undermining you at all angles. I wonder how he’ll fair when you leave?

Who will be the emotional punch bag without you in the mix?

You’re now damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. If you stay you’ll always be undermined, unhappy and the bad guy. If you leave you’ll be the one who abandoned your dp and dc, but youll also have the chance to build your life and be happy

O.M.G. this is the most valuable thread for me!

Thank you thank you thank you MN for sane, humane posting.

If my kids were selfish little shits I’d be bloody angry too. I don’t think you have anything to apologise for. And stop funding them.
Dump the lot of them and have a wonderful adventure.

Definitely go. But I think I would say it is you ‘finding yourself’ or ‘doing something you’ve always wanted to do’ and not imply it’s to get away from the home situation. DS will possibly a completely different person once he grows up and has to fend for himself. I would stop giving the DCs money. It makes life too easy for them and they’re more likely to be unappreciative.

Just read the bit about your DP owning the house. Have you been paying into the mortgage all these years? You really need to take some advice as to what your rights are. I suspect that your dp will suddenly find a bit of back bone when it comes to fighting you over the house....

Running away to Loas or anywhere else isn't going to solve any of your issues.

You need to start here.

Leave permentantly not temporarily.

If you own the house with your partner then he either buys you out or the house is sold.

Stop funding/looking after your adult children who seem to hate you. They want nothing to do with you then fine, then that means the bank of mum is shut, cooking, cleaning etc stops.

In other words sort your life here and now and then decide how your life will be going forward. You need to do this now as your partner can retire in the next few years and you will be banking rollng another useless adult.

But it's like they are determined to take everything I say negatively. So for example, my DD said 'its been the coldest 1 March since records began!'. 'Yes, bloody freezing' say I; 'I wonder how cold it was on 1 March the winter the Thames froze over'. 'Mum, that is irrelevant, I'm saying this is the coldest 1 March since records began'. 'Yes, it is, I agree - I'm just wondering about the 17th century weather'. 'Mum you sound like Trump - a climate change denier'. And DD stomps off! this is the kind of daily stuff - nothing in itself but relentlessly negative towards me. If I said, 'oh look there's Jesus in our garden' my DC would say 'god mum you have to make everything about you and the garden'.

Whereas I do agree with the role your DP plays this was an interesting response and are you always like this.

It comes across as if you are saying they are wrong because 17th Century winters are colder but they actually said since records began so were right.

Do you always respond like this - I imagine that kind of negative response can be warying particularly for children who want positive response and reward