thinking of temporarily leaving my DP and our DC to it

[notsclue]

My DP is lovely, as are our DC - 20 yrs old - who have returned home from living away for a year.

I cannot bear it any longer in the house. If it was possible to be 'gaslighted' by your own DCs that's how it feels - I get blamed for everything. I have a counsellor and have been working on my own anger issues, but the long and short of it, is I find the atmosphere at home intolerable. When our DC were not living at home DP and I got on well; but he DP tries to please everyone, won't deny or challenge or say no, to anyone.

Anyway I have funds of my own - which until now I have used to fund my DC in a number of ways - and I'm thinking, would it be a disaster for me to move out for 9 months? I would pay good money to get my DC to move out but they will not - their DF makes it far far too comfortable for them. He does their laundry, taxi service all hours, cooks for them even when he is poleaxed with flu, (as am I). Basically he is their skivvy and I am the bad mother.

I am at a loss for how to restore some sense of empowerment in my life - if I ask DS to put new bathmat down on new wooden bathroom floor, I get absolutely no response at all - he ignores me 100%. If I say anything to my DD, I get berated - my DP agrees that our DD will fly off the handle at me unreasonably but does not tell her to stop it.

I don't want to break up the family - although DS has told me he will go NC with me asap and he hates my guts. I don't want to make my DP have to chose between his DC and me, but that is the way it seems - that all three of us (DS DD and me) are lobbying for DP's affiliation.

DP and I were never 'madly in love', we have a relationship based on our parenting, we are very very fond of one another and get along, but at no point did either of us commit to one another in anything like a way that would make me feel even a tiny bit reasonable in saying 'listen mate, back me up, or I walk'. He would 100% let me walk, in that circumstance. He wants me to stay but, being such a people pleaser, would also work with me taking a long break from home.

Has anyone taken a sabbatical from family life? Or perhaps I'm thinking crazy thoughts as I do have the worst flu ever

springydaff Yes, I see where you are coming from!

I actually think your idea is genius and you should definitely do it.

@notsclue

Plenty of men just piss off and leave without even taking a backwards glance. So why shouldn't you? Why should a woman not be allowed to move out and start over? Men think nothing of doing it, and rarely feel guilty. I would not take 9 months away though, I would just find my own place and leave altogether.

What are YOU getting from being with your partner and 20 year old son?

Is your DP the father of your son?

Any reason you never got married?

Just noticed you have 2 DCs . Sorry.

Everything else still stands.

Go go go.
Life is too short to live like this.
Get out and away and enjoy your life.
From bitter very recent experience, make the most of every day.

Ah OP, I fantasise about this most days but alas, my youngest is about 11 years too young to leave at the moment.

Do it fgs! Tell your DCs that they are old enough to cope without you so you are doing something for you. Ask your DH if he thinks there is anything worth coming back for in terms of your relationship and you can both take time to think about it.

I would let them have my contact details and wait for them to contact me initially.

You DS sounds extremely angry with you and it must run much deeper than being pissed off at having to pick up after himself. Have you ever asked him why?

Thinking about your conversation with DD - I think adult DCs can be very dismissive of their parents views, or any older persons views. I think they come round once they mature and particularly if they have children. But people don’t want advice or to be corrected unless they ask for it. my Dh constantly advises whether it’s on phoning the bank or what fish to buy for tea, very irritating but I let it go to humour him.

I don't think OPs response to the "coldest 1st March" was negative. I read it that she was joining in a conversation about cold weather and wondering what the temperature was at that point. It could have been an interesting discussion if it wasn't stomped on. She wasn't telling her DD she was wrong but that seems to be how it was perceived. I am guessing that's a pattern that repeats quite frequently. It must be very wearing for you OP.

Sorry....I'm probably giving a bit of the response Springy predicted....

The being angry really stands out to me. You've been angry enough to break things in front on them. And it doesn't sound like that was a one off. That level of anger can be terrifying for a child. It can be terrifying from a husband, never mind a parent.

Then on top of that it sounds like their dad has made himself an ally of sorts - instead of being the safe secure adult they needed.

I get that you are sorry and have worked hard to change. I'm not suggesting that you should be a martyr forever because you made mistakes. I mean what parent is perfect? None of us can claim that. But acting out anger in that way is a particularly difficult bit of parenting for your DC to have lived with. You have moved on - and I imagine that you have worked hard. But in some ways I wonder if that is frustrating for them? That it's all ok now because you are a changed person.

You don't have to keep saying sorry. But maybe they need to get to where you are in their own time.

They sound like there is some very young childlike behaviour going on. I wonder if what they need is what a young child needs - consistent boundaries (but appropriate to their age) alongside your patience. Because they are your children.... I can't imagine you would easily walk away long term.

That transition to being an adult when family life hasn't set you up securely isn't easy. (And there's clearly been a shit relationship model).

By all means, do the adventure, sounds like you desperately need a break. I don't think you have to live in a feeling of guilt. Everyone deserves to be allowed to move on from mistakes. And as a woman I bet you've been sacrifing a lot for everyone else for years. But with regards to the DC I'd put it to them in a positive way. They're growing up, you're ready for an adventure. I'd dig around for some extra patience.

What about going somewhere they could join you for a couple of weeks as a holiday? Imagine a bit of time away from their Dad, somewhere adventurous with you?

I have no idea what is or isn't salvageable in your relationship with your partner. Sounds very difficult.

Could you see a solicitor about your rights to the house? Have you been contributing to tye mortgage, bills?

Oh god if I were you i would be away.

Do a blog or a vlog or whatever its called about your travels and the reasons why and how fabulous it all is now you are free.

Tell dp he can come join you in 9 minths if he wants. Alone. Tell the dc you will skype them once every 3 months if they want.

Go!!

Of course you don’t leave your own house OP! Your children leave your house. They’re adults!

Why on earth are you not taking rent and keep from your son? Why on earth is your DH doing his laundry and making his meals? Of course he doesn’t have any respect for you, you’re both acting like doormats. And why are you offering to fund your dd in London?

Some reality: they both move out and find their own flatshares, pay their own rent.

With the money you save you can either get divorced or if you can cohabit happily enough without the children there, you might want to stay together.

My ex was an addict. I spent so much time protecting his own child (my step-child) from him that we lost ourselves in "survival mode". We grew closer through the years because it was him and I against the addict who's anger and needs shadowed the rest of our lives.

I am not calling the OP an addict, but when someone's anger is so great, you go into protection mode. It takes a lot of work and time to be able to relax and open up to another chance. My step-son was 4 when I met him. He is 16 now and no matter what his dad tries, it will never be a good relationship. Scars are too deep I guess.

Because of how his dad was with him through his young years has challenged my step-sons mental health and it will take so much therapy to unravel what has been done. Anger holds people hostage and I don't think a lot of people can fully understand that.

This also reminds me of the "incompetent husband" thread, where the OP initially posted about her "nice but useless" husband. During the course of the thread, it became apparent that he was anything but "nice" & was highly passively aggressive. They ended up separating, but it was a fascinating thread, with the unfolding of it all.

As a last resort, would you consider family therapy, OP?

Or are you a bit beyond that? If so, lawyer up.

So many thoughtful helpful responses - I'm really touched.

NoOneElse you've given me a lot to think about. I think the truth is that DP and I were pretty fucked up individually, when we met. I know that I have damaged my DC's mental well being. The dynamic between DP and me has been fucked a lot of the time - not all the time, but too much of the time. I feel terrible about it. The best thing, most caring parental thing I guess, that I can do now, is grow up myself, take responsibility for being a calmer and happier person, and stop fighting their DF about stupid things.

MoreProsecco yes I read some of that thread. I think my DP is highly passive aggressive, it's weird everyone thinks he is so lovely, and he is. But just tonight, DS has the flu we are recovering from. DP goes to his car, comes back with panadol for DS. 'We have some in the bathroom honey' say I, 'you didn't need to go out to the car'. DP says 'Oh yeah but I can't find anything in the bathroom, it's easier to get the stuff out of the car that I bought so I know what I'm looking for'. Now in our dynamic, that is a loaded response, imo.

DP won't drink tea if I make it, because I don't make it right. Fair enough - some people are particular about their tea. But he won't eat meals I prepare, either. He will say 'I'm sorry Notsclue, you know I'm an old fuss pot' (sad dog face) ; or 'I ate on the way home' (then makes himself beans on toast half an hour later despite there being a perfectly edible veg curry) or 'I'm feeling abit queesy at the moment I might have some later' and never does.

Littlebit yes DP has made himself an ally of DC by being unchallenging, undemanding, setting no boundaries (other than health and safety ones) and being the one who is 'the victim'. Maybe he is - but I also know that he actually has a lot of anger which he denies, as I hear him muttering and swearing eg after ending a telecall with his own DM.

I think there has been no fully developed adult in our family. DP is indirect/machiavellian, and gets what he needs 'under cover of darkness (his own phrase); I'm needy, dependent, and a coward.

Those of you who have said 'go!' have really helped me decide stuff. i have cancelled some pending work on the house which I was set up to pay for, and have booked two trips away later in the year doing stuff I really really really want to do :)

I have connected with a charity that wants people to teach English to young girls in Laos and after I've sorted some stuff out with my business, I will be booking up for that for the autumn.

THose who said, keep the door open with the kids/don't flounce, I hear you! I have talked it through with DP (and I do care for him, he's got some great qualities) and then later this week when we're not all dying of flu, I'll brief the kids along the lines of 'I love you all and want us all to be happy, including me, and you know I've been wanting a big adventure... here's my plans for the summer/autumn, we'll be together therefore for the next 5/6 months. We're each of us going through a big changing point in our life (DP retired last year) and so I want to agree some new ground rules while we carry on living together, to make for as relaxed and happy a home as we can - '

So I feel calmer, less 'engaged' if that makes sense, and definitely more excited about my own future :) Thanks

DP sounds passive aggressively suppressed angry, with regard to refusing your prepared meals etc. Does he bear a grudge - do you have a sex life, do you appear more successful work wise?

Well that does sound positive for you OP. You will have space and time to think things through.

The not ‘eating your food and drinking your tea’ bit raises massive red flags with me. That is an incredibly emotionally abusive way to undermine a partner. Cooking, besides basic sustenance can be a way of nurturing/caring for a loved one and can be a very bonding act. Refusing what you cook is actually quite an insidious, passive-aggressive way to reject and undermine someone. A highly abusive ex of mine started by initially praising my cooking and then very quickly refusing to touch it, citing all sorts of reasons, all designed to unnerve and put me down. He did this to knock my confidence and put me down in front of others. I keep wondering if your anger wasn’t down to being set-up and continually being provoked by him, as well as encouraging your kids to follow suit. When someone plays mind games in such a sly and insidious way, you end up with this rage, seemingly for no reason and then it’s another stick to beat you with. Your whole family dynamic sounds so draining, probably for everyone.

No, don't explain your absence, they would all moan and tell you why you should do what they want/and not go. Book a ticket somewhere nice and leave them a pretty little note:
Dear kids, I hope you have a nice time while I am away. You are in charge of yourselves now. You are adults and I know you can do life without my input, and so this [week/month/year] without me should be easy. You now have this time to sort out your lives/plans. It's time you go find yourselves elsewhere. I will always be here to give advice and at times I will financially help you, but I believe it's time you go out and get your lives sorted. When I get back I want to move back to just living with your Dad again. And I want to see you have have moved on and that you are making great choices to build a long term plan for yourselves. I am always here for you. I believe you are going to have so much fun (and one day you will thank me). Love mum...
And OP stop trying to figure out what you did wrong. Too bad. If you need to go down the line of therapy with your kids some time or support them in that in some way. Fine. Do that later, but stop letting them hold you responsible for their problems. If you don't boot them out now they will always be there. Send them off and watch them thank you. They are no longer children OP and their issues are not your issues. It's time to push them out the nest. And when you get back you need to seriously sort things out with their Dad / your DP - because as you and others noted, what he is doing isn't healthy and definitely not okay. Good luck.

Exciting plans.

I think DP could have a new partner by the time you came back. How would you feel about that ? I would think DCs might be supportive of that as you ‘went off’ and you ‘left them’. Would a six month trial separation be a better idea? You moving out but still having contact with DCs. And keeping tabs on the property.

If you leave I don't think you will be back - might not be your choice

IMHO, They won't move out though, they will draw together in a group & you will not be let back in. Your P will be angry (already is) & won't be happy at all. the DC will be livid that their punching ball is missing.
You say its not your house, you aren't married. You need to find out what if any claim you have on it. (If you want to go that way?)
Also, before leaving, make sure you have removed any precious possessions, valuables/sentimantal photos etc) as it is unlikely you will see them again if they are left behind.
In spite of this, I think you are absolutely right to do what you outline.
I admire your strength

yes, if you can find The "incompetent husband" thread (s?) you should read it & see if it hits any marks for you

We're each of us going through a big changing point in our life (DP retired last year) and so I want to agree some new ground rules while we carry on living together, to make for as relaxed and happy a home as we can

I assume these ‘changes’ include contributing financially?